“No. I can see how you missed it. Who hit you with the softball?”
I glance at Rod, who grimaces.
“Nice boyfriend,” my doctor jokes with a laugh.
“I didn’t mean to,” he grumbles. Poor Rod.
“I had a CAT scan of my stomach. How come that didn’t pick it up then?”
“CT scans are broader in their imaging. Something hidden and small like an ectopic would be extremely hard to find if that isn’t what is being investigated. An ultrasound is best, but even they miss them.”
“So, if I had alcohol, since I didn’t know I was pregnant, that didn’t affect it?”
“No. Nothing you did caused this.”
“Is there anything I can’t do now because I only have one tube?”
“Could you throw webs and swing from building to building?”
I narrow my eyes. “No.”
“Then, no. It just might take you longer to conceive. If after some time you still can’t get pregnant, we can look into fertility drugs or IVF, if need be.”
I scowl and shake my head. “I’m not worried about that. I’m not going to be getting pregnant anytime soon.”
“This pregnancy wasn’t planned?”
Looking down to my legs, I quietly say, “No.”
“I see that you had an appointment with me this week and you wanted to go back on the Pill? Do you still want them?” What’s the point now? I’m not looking to “spreading my legs,” like I was told in my nightmare, anytime soon.
“Not right now. I’m good.” I’ve got to stop saying that. I sound like...
“Okay. Let my office know and I can give you a prescription if you change your mind.” He steps away from the wall and says, “You can try to eat, but only a little at a time until you’re sure you can hold it down. Get plenty of rest and no work for four to six weeks. I’ll sign any FMLA papers you have for me.”
“Thanks.” He leaves and I dully try to understand what all he just told me.
Rod says, “Well, sweetheart, that was informative.”
I snap my eyes to him. “Don’t call me that.” I give him a meaningful look and he takes the hint why.
Sighing, I whisper, “Thanks for stepping up for me. I just didn’t want my doctor to know I was pregnant and dumped.”
He moves closer to me and holds onto the bedrail. “It’s not your fault. That bastard had other…” He stops and fluffs up his hair, looking away from me.
“Priorities? Ambitions? I know. Other things more important than me. That’s probably why he really didn’t want to marry me for three years. He didn’t want anything holding him back.”
Rod puts his hands on his hips and sighs. “I’d say that’s not true, but honestly, I don’t know. I thought I somewhat knew the guy.”
“I thought I knew him better than anyone else.” I blink away the tears forming and whisper, “He was my best friend.”
“I’m sorry, Hadley. I really am. I… I wish I could do something for you.”
The door slowly opens and we both look. From behind the short wall next to the door, a ragged voice asks, “Can I come in?”
“Dad!” He peeks his head around the edge of the wall and just the sight of him has me completely crying. He comes over and gently puts his arms around me, letting me sob in his arms as he kisses the top of my head. He whispers into my hair, “Pumpkin pie, I’m so sorry.”
“I’m so stupid, Dad.”
“Shh. No, you’re not. Don’t even think about him right now.” I know my dad is almost as hurt as I am. I don’t know how much else he knows.
“He’s gone, Dad. He moved to Baltimore. He didn’t want to stay and work it out, or at least try to. He said the baby wasn’t his. I would never cheat like he did! I didn’t want anyone else!”
“I know, baby doll.” I feel him lift his head from mine and I see Rod mouthing something to him. My dad nods against my head and says, “We’re here for you.”
Clinging to him, I cry, “He got me pregnant, cheated on me, and left!” I breathe hard and gasp, “God, it hurts so much!”
He says, “Hadley, you have staples in your stomach. It’s going to hurt when you cry. Shh.”
“My heart hurts more.” He sighs over my head and Rod looks out the window. I must be one pathetic sight.
Dad asked me if I told Bethany, but I said no. She’s busy getting ready to come to Richmond, so she’ll be here in a couple weeks anyway. No need to worry her when I’m on the mend.
Val told my coworkers I was in the hospital for an appendectomy. I was grateful she didn’t lay it all out to them.
I forced Rod to go to the game Saturday. He said it was weird with Drake there, but he found Drake to be a “real fun guy,” or a mushroom, so they seemed to hit it off. Rod said everyone has questions about the change in the coaching staff. Rod only told them our coach transferred. Betsy and Shasta had asked him why he moved abruptly and without me to which Rod said they’d have to ask our former coach that question. He even suggested sending him an email at his new station.
Rod then stated Shasta is now in love with Drake, so he doubts she’ll even remember our former coach by next week.
My hospital stay lasted four days. My dad, Rod, Morgan and Val alternated staying with me in shifts. Morgan actually was the one who I preferred staying with me. She didn’t talk about much and I was glad for once, and being doped up and let down, I wasn’t great for conversation anyway. We watched TV and she painted my nails black. I had been in between colors and she happened to know what I wanted without even having to ask.
Somewhat thoughtful, Shane came to visit me, which was nice at first. He had found out from Ivan of my condition. Thanks a lot, Jethro. He even brought me flowers.
“So, you were pregnant. That explains a lot with your weight loss.”
“I guess.”
“Where’s Wilder?”
“Baltimore.”
“Is he coming back?”
“No.”
“He broke up with you when you were pregnant?”
“No.” Technically, I broke up with him, so I wasn’t lying.
“So, you’re still together?”
“Thanks for the flowers.” Now shut your gaping hole.
Thankfully, he didn’t ask any more questions involving my private life.
When my staples were removed and I was discharged, my dad stayed with me for a couple days, but since he saw I was in good hands with my friends taking care of me, he went back to Annapolis. After he left, Rod took over my couch. He also took time off work to take care of me at my apartment. He said he didn’t have much use for his saved vacation time before, so I was doing him a favor. Rod...
Morgan brought us dinners and we’d all sit on my bed, talking about what Rod and I were missing at work, which wasn’t much, except for Shasta’s nonstop chatter about Drake, much to Rod’s annoyance.
Val would stop by my apartment, bringing Rod and me lunch. The Thursday following my surgery, when Rod is out picking up more pain medication, Val and I sit on the couch eating grilled cheese sandwiches on Texas toast. As I take a bite, she says, “I knew.”
“You knew what?”
She takes a deep breath. “I knew you were pregnant.”
I drop my sandwich and it tumbles off my plate onto the table. I skeptically ask, “What? How’d you know that when I didn’t even know?”
“It was your aura. You and Morgan both had a dominant orange, which I assumed was because you both were hopeful to get married. Yet, Morgan’s was mixed—bright orange with silver. Yours was dark orange and gray. I asked Paloma and she said those colors most likely represent pregnancy. Morgan had it, but then so did you. Unfortunately, gray means that you were either having trouble getting pregnant or you were and…” She drops off, regarding me sadly.
Still cynical, I ask, “You knew I was pregnant just from my aura?”
“It was that, and then I kept having more fish dreams. I keep having them until I acknowledge that som
eone in my life is pregnant. After Morgan told me, the amount of dreams decreased, but some were still reoccurring, so that meant I missed someone. You.” Val sighs. “Also, I noticed you were losing weight, and you looked pale and tired all the time. After I had talked to my sister, I was positive. I wanted to mention my suspicions to you, but I didn’t get a chance to before things took a turn for you after Morgan’s reception. I’m so sorry, babe. I should’ve told you sooner.”
“It’s okay. Wow. You could see I was pregnant? I missed it. I thought I was at one point, but then I got what I assumed was my period, so then I thought I wasn’t.”
“Were you trying to get pregnant?”
I look down to the table. “No, I wasn’t.”
“Oh, babe. It’ll happen for you someday when you find the right man. Maybe I’ll find you one.” I look up to see her smile, and I shake my head.
“I don’t want another man. I had one who I completely trusted, but look what happened. He cheated on me. Just like Max Warren did in high school with my best friend.”
“Not all men are like that. Some aren’t, but do make mistakes. You two were so cute together. I was positive he was going to marry you.”
I scoff, “He didn’t want to marry me or have kids with me. You were right about his green aura. All he cared about was his career. One time he lied and said he’d quit his job for me so he wouldn’t be in the public eye anymore. He never meant that. All he cared about were his fans and ratings.”
“Despite his dominant green, he still was very much in love with you.”
I doubtingly scoff, “Why? Did his aura change or something?”
“As a matter of fact, yes. When a person is in love and is near the object of their affection, their aura will merge with their significant other’s. The energies combine to create a realm of light around the two, even leaving part of their energy with their loved one when they leave.”
I cautiously ask, “Really? He had that for me?”
“Yes. His light is still with you. I see it. That’s why it’s so hard for you.”
“His aura could’ve done that with anyone.”
She shakes her head. “No. It only happened when he was near you. His light only stayed with you.”
“Not Cara?”
“Not even a flare around her. Only with you. His love for you was intense, as you know. Your auras, although different, meshed beautifully”
Looking away from her, I try hard not to lose it. I thought it was intense, but if his love for me was that strong, why did he mutilate me time after time?
Val says, “He left me a message with Rhonda when you were in D.C., but I hesitated calling him back for days. I didn’t know what I was going to say to him, but I wanted to hear what he had to say. When I finally tried calling him back, his number had been changed.”
I’m bewildered. “Why did he call you?”
“I don’t know. Rhonda said he was looking for you, but you had left for the weekend.”
“He was looking for me?”
“Yes. Rhonda said he sounded desperate to find you.”
“He probably had time to think and decided since he is free now, to take that job after all. Maybe he wanted to give me something of mine he found while packing. Whatever it is, I don’t want it.” I wouldn’t have gone with him anyway. I think…
“No. That doesn’t sound like him. That boy had it bad for you.”
I dejectedly frown. “Not in a good way, I guess.”
“Why don’t you go see him when you feel better?”
I immediately shake my head. “No. I don’t want to see him after all he accused me of doing. He was cheating on me for a long time. After he turned down my proposal, I caught him with another woman and then he skipped town. He even denied the baby was his. That’s all I keep thinking about. They’re like a movie running through my mind nonstop.”
Uncertain, she says, “There’s something missing. Something’s not right.”
“I caught him cheating on me, Val. How is that right?”
She sighs. “I don’t know, babe. That’s one thing I can’t fathom. He truly loved you.”
I pick my sandwich back up, but then put it back down, not hungry anymore. “I don’t want to talk about him anymore. He’s gone. He chose to leave.” He chose to start a new life, but how do I do that?
I try to sleep, but I can’t. It’s especially hard trying to sleep in the bed we made love in so many times. I can even smell him on the pillows. I changed the sheets, but he’s still here.
The dreams… The dreams won’t let up, nightmares or otherwise. They’re always about him. The sweet dreams are actually the hardest because that’s how I remember him. He was so loving. So charming. So cocky. So sexy. So playful. So wild.
What’s more, the actual memories are squeezing what’s left of the life out of me.
On his couch as I straddled him while his fingers were inside me, he said over my lips, “Becks, I can’t wait anymore. I need you.”
Impulsively, I said, “I need you more. Make love to me, Finn.”
He gently pushed on my legs and I stood up. As I fixed my jeans, he swept me into his arms, and before I could squeal, his lips were on mine. When he stole his lips from mine to take me into his bedroom, I kissed his neck, sucking along the way. I wanted the world to see Finn Wilder was taken. He was mine.
Setting me down, we kissed as we hurriedly undressed each other, my hands were shaking I wanted him so much. I think his were, too. Before taking his jeans off, he reached into his pocket for his wallet, pulling out a condom. Naked and feeling so self-conscious, I laid down on his bed, more nervous than even my first time having sex. I was anxious about him seeing me completely naked. I had never been in love like I was with him. Unequivocally, this was the man I wanted to marry, so it was going to mean so much more.
With his shirt off, I watched as he pulled down his underwear. I hadn’t seen him totally naked before, either. I was in awe. I don’t know how I waited months to make love to him. Although his body is a beautiful work of art, his soul is what sparked my love for him.
When he was ready, he got on the bed, covering my body with his, and kissed me, not holding back anymore. I loved it. With a hand and a knee, he pushed my legs apart. My heart was beating brutally inside my chest.
“I can’t wait anymore, Finn,” I breathlessly said, robbing what he had said to me, but still intending every word.
He whispered, “Make love to me, Becks.” Nodding, I gripped onto his arms and he firmly drove into me, flipping my world upside down. We both loudly gasped and groaned as we reveled in the first-time feel of each other.
Finn said, “Next to falling in love with you, that was the best thing I’ve ever felt in my life. I love you, baby.” That was the first time he called me that, too. It warmed me. It made me feel treasured.
My fingers went into his hair as I stared into his chocolate brown eyes. “It was for me, too. I’ll forever love you, Finnigan.”
His breathing stuttered and he said, “Fuck. Call me that again.”
“Finnigan.” He growled and kissed me as we vigorously moved in an urgent rhythm, not able to slow down as we clung to each other.
Feverishly sliding in and out of me, he gasped, “Becks! Oh, fuck! I can’t… I’m sorry,” he grunted, but he was sending me to my own end.
“Finn!” I grabbed onto his magical brown hair as we loudly moaned and passionately came together in one of the most powerful moments of my life.
And I still can’t escape it.
My moods are erratic and I’m not even pregnant…anymore. One minute I hate him for everything he did to me, but then the next, I miss him and think of everything we had together. Those times are unbearable. Those are the times I can’t get out of bed, eat, take a shower, or care if the building explodes.
Rod tries to help me, but I don’t want help. I want my life back. I want answers, but I’m not going to get them. I want to go to Baltimore and wait in the parking lot
for him, but facing him after his comments about me getting pregnant by someone else, tears through me. I never would’ve done that to him, unlike how it was so easy for him to find someone else to ease his pain.
The following Saturday when Rod is at a game, I take a drive. I can’t go near the softball field yet, so I drive to another place that I never thought I’d want to be, either. I’m not even sure how I ended up here, but I am.
I get out of my car and walk up to the cinnamon brown building with the gorgeous stained-glass windows. As soon as I step into the main room, the memories flood me. I stand frozen, unsure if I should flee or take a seat.
Gulping, I slide into the very last pew and pull the padded knee bench down. I clasp my hands and lean my forehead down onto them.
I don’t even know where to start with God. Why? That’s my big question. Just…why? Why did he not want me as his wife or mother of his children the time we were together? Why did he cheat on me? Why did I have to walk in on them? Why did I get pregnant when we weren’t trying to? Why did I lose our baby? Why did he leave? Why did he accuse me of cheating? Why wasn’t I enough for him? Why didn’t he love me like I loved him? Why?
Am I being punished for having sex outside of marriage and conceiving a child, or for not being baptized? I have no idea. I’m so lost. I wish I had answers to all my questions.
Sniffing over my folded hands, I realize I’m crying as I question God. I instinctively search for my key to hold, but it’s not there anymore, causing more tears to freely flow. People start to trickle in, but I don’t even care who sees me crying.
Sitting back onto the bench, I peer around to see if people are laughing at me. Strange enough, no one is. And even stranger yet, it doesn’t matter what people think of me. For some reason, it just doesn’t anymore.
The sunlight etches the glass into colors floating over the walls and floor, somewhat lifting my lifeless spirit momentarily. I’m not going to be doing cartwheels anytime soon, but it’s enough that I’m not openly weeping still.
I sit through Mass with tears in my eyes. It’s odd because as hard as it is being here, it’s also comforting. The man I was in love with sat on these benches, praying. He prayed with me once here. For what? Was I in any of his prayers? At least, a mention every now and then?
Igniting the Wild Sparks Page 58
