by N. L. Greene
“Hey Paul, what’s up?” she said casually, while partially shielding me from him. Have I mentioned how wonderful she was?
“Can I talk to Nat privately please?” His voice was faint and he actually looked worried that I might not talk to him. That confused me. I should’ve been the only one hesitant and scared. Why was he? He probably just realized that I wasn’t pretty, and he was ashamed that he’d just had sex with me. Yeah, so maybe that was it.
“Umm, sure. Okay.” Ash gave my hand a squeeze before she moved gingerly around us. I looked questioningly at Paul and he motioned me back into the bathroom. Everyone already knew that we’d just had sex, so what did it matter if we went into the bathroom together now?
I heard the door close but didn’t turn around. I couldn’t look at him! “Why didn’t you tell me?”
His question caught me off guard and had me whirling around. “How did you…?”
“Melanie told me. She said this was your first time. Why didn’t you tell me? I would have made sure you were taken care of, or we could have waited.” He ran a hand through his hair and blew out a frustrated breath.
“How exactly do you tell someone ‘Oh, hey, I’m a virgin!’ in the middle of making out? And it wasn’t Mel’s place to say anything. I’m going to kill her!” My embarrassment was instantly gone, completely overshadowed by blazing anger. Why would she do that to me?
“Okay, you’re right. But are you okay? Did I hurt you?” Paul stepped closer; compassion filling his face as he took me in his arms.
I sagged against him, feeling utterly drained. “No, I’m fine. Thank you for asking, though”
“Listen Natalie, I really do like you and would like to get to know you better. I didn’t mean for things to move so fast between us tonight. You just made me so crazy, and well…” I felt his confused shrug. “Will you give me your number so I can call you or see you again?” He leaned back and looked uncertainly into my eyes.
“Yeah, I’d like that,” I said, and leaned back into him so he couldn’t see the lie in my eyes. I was never talking to this guy again! As sweet as he was, I couldn’t face him after all that had just happened. And as much as he said he really liked me, I was afraid that I’d always be the easy girl who gave it up the first night we’d met. I couldn’t deal with that. Nope - this would be just another dismal regret and failure to go along with the long list I already had.
Paul held me for a minute longer, almost as if he could sense this was the end, and then we exited the bathroom. I got a few furtive glances my way, but thankfully no one said anything directly to me. I darted quickly to Ash’s side, who had already found Mel and was saying our goodbyes for us. Paul walked us to the car and tenderly kissed me goodbye on the cheek, and then we left.
Chapter 19
As soon as we pulled out of the driveway, Mel turned to me with a big megawatt smile on her face.
I didn’t return it. “You fucking bitch,” I said so low that she almost didn’t hear me…almost.
Her eyes widened in innocence. “What’d I do?”
“Why did you have to tell him that? He didn’t know, and he never would have known if you hadn’t opened your big, fat mouth!” I was majorly pissed, and her innocent act wasn’t going to work this time.
“He was worried about you so I told him. He needed to know, Nat. You can’t not tell him that and then keep seeing him.”
“I have no intention of ever seeing him again, and I didn’t even before we had sex! He didn’t need to know, Mel. It wasn’t your place.”
She completely missed my point, on purpose probably, and said, “That’s my girl! Fuck’em and leave’em. I knew you were a slut!”
“Jesus Melanie! Will you just shut the fuck up and leave her alone?” Ash finally cut in.
“What the fuck?” Mel looked at Ash as if she suddenly had two heads. What was so infuriating is that she couldn’t even see what was wrong with the way she was acting.
“Never-mind, okay? It’s over,” I said tiredly, and slumped dejectedly against the back seat. I tried my best to keep more tears from falling, because I honestly didn’t know if there were any more left in me. I felt defiled and knew that I looked awful, and I was so exhausted and felt utterly defeated from everything that had happened that night. I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone, and I definitely didn’t have the energy to fight with Mel about it. I ignored both of them and just shut my eyes; blocking it all out. It didn’t take long for me to fall asleep.
I stirred a little while later when I felt strong arms around me and heard soft murmuring, but it wasn’t enough to wake me completely or alert me who was carrying me. I was placed in a snug bed before someone took off my shoes and pants - Mel or Ash, probably - then a warm body was behind me in the bed. I quickly sank into a deep and dreamless sleep.
I woke up the next morning feeling sore, with a small headache. Thankfully I hadn’t drunk enough to make me sick or give me a massive hangover. On the other hand, the weight of regret and shame was sitting pretty heavily on my chest, making me want to puke. I turned over onto my back and realized with a jolt that I was in J.T.’s bed. I jerked up-right and frantically looked around. No one was in the room with me, but that only made me feel slightly better. Why was I in his bed? And where were my clothes? I jerked the sheet around me tightly, even though no one was there to see me.
I searched the floor frantically for my jeans and flip flops, finding them just beside the bed. I leaned down quickly to snag them, and then pulled on my jeans while still in the bed. Under the covers, just in case.
Once completely clothed again, I jumped out of the bed and ran to Mel’s room. She and Ash were still asleep, both curled up in Mel’s bed. I heard noises in the front of the house, so hoping it was J.T. and looking for an explanation, I quietly made way down the hall.
I turned the corner and froze. Miguel was standing with his back against the counter, feet crossed, eating a bowl of cereal. The only clothing he had on was a pair of basketball shorts that were riding dangerously low on his narrow hips. His hair was still rumpled from sleep and I could see that his eyes weren’t fully open yet, either.
Trying to block out just how sexy he was standing there like that, I took a timid step back. Praying he wouldn’t hear or see me, I carefully took another, but my escape plan didn’t work. My body ran right into someone behind me and I froze again. I could tell that it was J.T. and I closed my eyes, praying and hoping he wouldn’t say anything. Yeah right!
“Morning sunshine!” he said with a booming voice that was way too chipper for that early in the morning. He wrapped his arms around me from behind; hugging me tightly and walking me the rest of the way into the bright kitchen. Miguel had straightened from his relaxed position against the counter and now had his narrowed eyes on me.
J.T. gave me a smacking kiss on the top of my head before letting me go. I heard him mumble to Miguel “Relax man,” low enough that I probably wasn’t supposed to hear it. Miguel glanced at him and then back over at me. He looked me up and down slowly and I felt my cheeks heat. Could he tell by looking at me what I’d done last night? I suddenly felt even worse about what had happened and who I’d done it with. I’d given my virginity to a complete stranger! I was a slut! I was a total whore and an idiot for letting someone make me think it wasn’t a big deal. It was a huge deal, and I had majorly fucked up. Bitter tears stung my eyes again. J.T. turned to look at me for the first time and I saw his eyes narrow in suspicion. I knew that I looked like shit, and they could both tell something wasn’t quite right. I didn’t want to tell either of them what had happened last night, so before either of them could start the inquisition, I turned and fled from the room; tears streaming down my face. I heard Miguel and J.T. both shout for me but I didn’t stop. I turned into Mel’s room, and then slammed and locked the door behind me.
“What the fuck?” Mel stirred and mumbled without opening her eyes. Ash frowned, but then opened her eyes and saw me. She was out of bed and at my si
de instantly.
“What happened? What’s wrong?” She looked me over as if she might be able to physically see what was wrong with me.
I shook my head. “Why was I in J.T.’s bed?” I had a feeling I already knew, but I needed confirmation.
“Umm…well.” Ash sighed. “When we got home last night Miguel was already here, and he could see that you were passed out and that you’d been upset. I wouldn’t tell him why, but he assumed it was because of Mel. He refused to let her near you. He took you straight to bed and stayed with you all night.”
I closed my eyes. I didn’t know whether to be happy or devastated. Miguel did like me! He’d taken care of me and had actually tried to protect me from Mel. That made me want to smile. But when he found out what had really upset me, he wouldn’t want to protect me anymore. That - well, that made me want to cry. So I did.
Ash pulled me to her. “Oh, honey. It’ll be okay.” She tried to soothe me.
“No Ash, it won’t. I fucked up so bad! I let Mel get in my head and make me think all this stupid stuff, I had sex with someone I don’t even know, and now I have to go to the doctor because I was stupid about that too!” I wailed.
“Okay, I know it’s a lot to process, but let’s do it one step at a time. I know where to take you, so we’ll do it right away. Then we’ll talk to Mel and sort that out. One step at a time, okay?”
“Okay,” I answered at the same time there was a knock on the door. “Nat. What’s wrong?” It was Miguel. I looked at Ash helplessly.
“Do you want to talk to him?” she asked softly.
“No, it’s just…” I hesitated, and then there was another knock; softer this time.
“Nat? It’s me,” J.T. said through the door. “Miguel’s gone. Will you open up and talk to me?”
I shook my head no at Ash. I couldn’t talk to J.T. either. He would be so angry and disappointed in me. “I got her, J. We’ll be out in a little while, okay?”
It was quiet for a minute and then J.T. relented. “Okay.” I heard him walk down the hall and I let out a relieved breath.
“What do you want to do, Nat?” Ash asked with another hug.
“Jesus! I can’t fucking sleep with all this melodramatic shit going on!” Mel yelled. “She’s just upset because she whored around last night, fucked some random guy, and then had to see the guy she’s in love with this morning so she feels guilty as hell!” Mel rolled over and forcibly pulled the blanket over her head. “She’ll get over it!”
Tears poured out of my eyes again, but this time in unbridled anger. “You know what, Mel? You. Are. A. Fucking. BITCH!” I screamed at her.
Mel jumped up in the bed, eyes wide, stunned that I’d actually yelled at her like that. Her mouth opened and closed a few times before she finally gained her composure. “Why? Because I told the truth? Because I called you out? Well if that makes me a bitch, then yeah, I’m a bitch.” She shrugged nonchalantly like it wasn’t a big deal.
“You know what? Yeah, you are right! I fucked up! I fucked some random guy last night and now I feel like a complete whore! And as much as I want to blame you for always telling me how much I needed to just do it and get it over with, it’s on me. I knew better, but I fucking listened to my best friend! I trusted you! You lied!” I accused her.
“Oh get over yourself, Natalie! You really think you’re so much better than everyone else? Well you’re not! You aren’t prettier or smarter or better than the rest of us!”
I reared back in astonishment at her words. “What? I’ve never thought I was better than anyone! If anything, I thought everyone else was better than me because you made damn sure I knew it. You’ve always told me how much prettier I could be, and how fat or how stupid I was. I’ve tried for years to live up to what you wanted me to be, and when I did, you just made fun of me for it anyway! I am so sick of you telling me I’m not good enough and that everything I’m doing isn’t a big deal! Last night was a Big. Fucking. Deal. Something that should have been romantic and special and not arranged by you! It should have been when I wanted it, and with someone else who actually meant something to me!”
“Yeah, you’re right. It should have been with me.”
I turned around, wide-eyed to see Miguel standing there in the door way. Although his voice was soft, I could see the pain etched in his eyes and the anger barely contained in his trembling body.
I don’t even know how he managed to unlock the door and open it without me noticing, but I couldn’t think about that right now, nor could I handle another argument with someone else. I was so done. I quickly grabbed my bag and ran headlong out of the house.
Ash pulled up alongside me in her car a few minutes later. By the time she caught up to me, I’d already made it about halfway home, but I was still thankful to see her. I was so exhausted that I didn’t even wait for her to ask me to get in the car. I just did. She didn’t say anything and neither did I, but I noticed a change when she turned around and started to drive in a different direction. I didn’t have to ask where we were going.
We made the trip in silence, which gave me ample time to think. I started replaying the years and years of my friendship with Mel in my head. All the shocking things she’d said to me, the appalling way she continuously made fun of me, the boyfriends of mine that she’d kissed and the hateful words she’d said to me a few minutes ago. Her outburst hadn’t been a coincidence, or even her brand of “tough love”. If it had been, she would be here in the car with me and Ash, supporting me while I went and faced the humiliating consequences of my latest stupid decision.
But she wasn’t here. She didn’t care about me. In fact, I was pretty sure she hated me, and probably always had.
“Why do you let her get to you like that? Why have you let her run your life?” Ash finally asked in the silence of the car.
Tears escaped from my eyes and I shrugged in defeat. “I didn’t even realize she was doing it. She was my best friend. Why would I ever think she was trying to hurt me?”
Chapter 20
After that dismal day, things were pretty rocky. I quickly sank into an even deeper depression, one that made my earlier depression seem like a day at the park. Going to the free clinic that day with Ash was one of the worst things I’d ever had to do in my life. I felt dirty, embarrassed, humiliated, and a multitude of other emotions that I couldn’t even begin to name. I cried the whole time I talked to the lady who worked at the appointment counter. I’d hoped they would just give me a pill and I could leave, but since I was obviously so upset, the doctor insisted on examining me and questioning me thoroughly. She thought there was more to the story than I was telling her, and I guess there was, but it wasn’t as dire as what she thought. No matter how much I blamed her, Mel couldn’t really be held responsible for my shameful stupidity.
I faked being sick for the next week so I could stay home and just avoid the world. I looked so legitimately bad from crying and lack of sleep - even throwing up a few times - that I didn’t have to try too hard to convince my parents. They even discussed taking me to the doctor for a checkup, but somehow I managed to talk them out of it. I was worried that my family doctor would notice my spiraling depression and immediately send me to a shrink. I think my parents knew something was up between me and Mel, which was the only reason they relented. They probably chalked it up to more teen drama and figured it would blow over on its own eventually. But I knew that wasn’t going to happen.
Mel had betrayed me so deeply and I couldn’t bear to think about it at the time, so I stubbornly blocked it out, slept, and tried to focus on getting through each day. However, as the days went by, that proved to be increasingly difficult. Ash called a few times, J.T. too, but I wouldn’t take their calls. Mel didn’t call once…Surprise, surprise. I did ask my sister to pass along a special request to Ash though. My sister confirmed that Ash would do it, making me feel…well, not better, but consoled that there was at least one less thing I had to do. The following week I would have to go to sch
ool and I was relieved to know that I would get there and have my own locker, with my stuff in it, far away from Mel. Ash was truly a lifesaver.
She also told me she would be happy to still give me a ride to and from school, but I knew that either Mel would be there, or that Ash would have to choose between the two of us, and I didn’t want to put her in the middle any more than necessary. Part of me was angry at her, too. I wanted her to automatically side with me and stop being Mel’s friend, but I knew that wasn’t fair either. Mel and Ash had a different kind of friendship; in a weird way, they actually respected each other. It was my own fault for being so gullible and naïve for all those years, and it wasn’t reasonable of me to try to make other people hate her the way I did now.
So as much as I missed Ashley and J.T., I knew they were Mel’s friends now and I had no right to them. And I didn’t want any of my old friends either. It was simply too embarrassing to have them look at me with pity and concern, and amazingly, I still had too much pride for that. I tried to reconnect with Noah at the beginning of my first week back, but it didn’t work. The very first day I was back at school, he stopped me at my locker.
“Hey baby girl! What happened to you? I’ve missed you,” he said as he pulled me into a hug.
The water works started instantly.
“Nat? What’s wrong, baby? Why are you crying?” He pulled back a little to get a better look at my face but didn’t let me go.
I just shook my head, because I didn’t even know how to begin.
“Nat, did something happen? Is that why you’ve been out?” He pulled me close again and spoke softly into my hair. “Whatever it is, you know I’m here for you, right? You’re my friend Nat, and I love you. You can tell me anything and I’ll always listen.”
Hearing him say that broke my heart because he had always been my friend, yet when he tried to tell me about Mel I didn’t listen and I should have. “I’m so sorry, Noah,” I sobbed out into his chest.
