Love Lost (Love's Improbable Possibility)

by Belvin, Love

  “Whatever. Ain’t nobody doing shit to Tiny,” the penguin scoffed.

  “Okay,” my voice remained leveled. I backed away and pulled Michelle into the bathroom to check on her. Before we walked into the bathroom, I asked Britni who came to the club with us to watch Tiny and her girls so they wouldn’t leave before we returned. “We’ll be right back.”

  I hauled Michelle into the bathroom where two other friends, Tonia and April followed. They were all wondering what I had up my sleeve.

  “How is she going to make a threat and then walk away?” one girl, Tonia, murmured thinking I didn’t catch it.

  “I know Rayna is from Jersey and all, but I don’t wanna get into no trouble. I hope Michelle just forgets what happened and we all go right home,” is what April tried whispering as well. For some reason they were reluctant to express those thoughts to me.

  “You alright?” I asked as I closely examined Michelle’s face. I knew she was beside herself in the state of humiliation.

  “I can’t believe that bitch did that! Ooooh! I wish Tommy was here! He would have gone off on her!” Michelle cried sounding as if she was going to hyperventilate.

  “Yeah, well Tommy ain’t here. I am and that bitch is about to catch a beat down. What you think she’s five feet two inches at one hundred eighty five pounds?” I asked while removing my jewelry and finger combing my hair into a ponytail.

  They were looking at me as if I were an animal. Where I come from what happened was a sign of disrespect that was acted out publicly so it should be handled publicly. I thought that if this country bumpkin and her girls got away with this, there would be others testing us in no time. Michelle believed that Tommy should handle that, I believed that Tommy didn’t have a strawberry martini stain on his new shirt so it wasn’t exactly his beef anymore. I knew the girls weren’t habituated to this behavior; it was a culture shock to even see me behave as if the woman had hit me. In my opinion, the only reason people should fight would be because they were hit, anything else was uncivilized. I knew Michelle’s beliefs were identical to the other girls’, but she dare not share them. Michelle knew that as much as I had changed from the first time I’d met her, I was still Rayna and that was a girl from the hood who didn’t take any shit.

  “Michelle, I know that you ain’t no fighter so I’m gonna take this one.” I gazed in Michelle’s fearful eyes that were now emerald green. I knew she’d preferred going right home and bypassing it all but I couldn’t drop it. “The only thing that I ask from you is that if somebody jumps in, ya’ll pick up a stick, rock or whatever and knock them the hell out!” I shot April and Britni an admonitory glance with a “matter-of-fact” glare. “If ya’ll don’t intend on helping, leave. But when I see you, I am busting your ass!”

  The opposing team of girls walked outside and talked amongst themselves, making threats as to what they were going to do. A few of the girls looked as afraid as April and Britni. Tiny yelled out, “So what y’all wanna do?”

  Deep down inside Tiny didn’t think I had the heart to let anything go down. She thought that Michelle’s whole crew was as meek as she was. But she had to offer something before leaving.

  “We ‘bout to bang out…me and you, fam!” I declared to Tiny.

  “Me and you? This your girl beef, not yours.” Tiny brows were knitted. I could tell she really wanted a taste of Michelle, but not if I could help it.

  “She don’t get her nails broke up and dirty. When it’s time to bang out, that’s what I’m here for,” I said with my fists in the air.

  I was ready, too anxious to be scared. It was do or die and I had no intentions on losing that night. Michelle had become to mean a lot to me in those short three years. She was loyal and no matter how much I pushed her away, feeling the need of solitude, she stayed in my face, never bowing down. She made sure I didn’t isolate myself into obscurity. She protected me when her friends challenged my urban style and less than refined mannerisms. She identified and nursed my insecurities with no ulterior motives. She was honest and vulnerable, knew when to push me and call me on my shit. She had become my new family. I knew that I’d always protect her.

  Tiny answered my challenge when she agreed, “A’ight,” and took off her necklace and charged towards me with her hands up. Michelle’s hand rose to her chest. Tiny threw the first punch. When I didn’t hit back right away all three girls gave pronounced gasps and begged me to walk off. I ignored every heeding focusing on the task at hand. With the second punch Tiny threw, it was a wrap. I hit her with two quick blows making sure to hit the center of her face. Tiny began to stumble. That’s when I grabbed her by the hair and kneed her in the face causing blood to splatter everywhere. One of Tiny’s girls, Toya, ran to jump in. I felt her strike me in the back of the head. It didn’t faze me much. With Tiny’s hair still deep in my grip, I forcefully swung her into Toya and they both fell. When another friend of Tiny’s jumped in, Michelle wasn’t too far behind her striking her over the head with her shoe. Tiny, Toya, and the last girl to jump in all got up. Tiny and I started going at it with Tiny being no competition, she was too slow. April and Britni jumped in and began throwing misaimed punches. By this time, the police had arrived and began breaking us apart.

  Thankfully, we were able to go home without being arrested. I had the opportunity to press charges because witnesses saw Tiny throw the first punch, but I declined to do so. That was one the laws of the streets, there was no pressing of charges when two people wanted to battle each other.

  That night back at the dormitory, the girls gathered and discussed the night’s events. It took Michelle to break the ice. The other girls didn’t know what to say. I sat on my bed taking off my shoes and clothes and inventoried my body. I was a little scratched up, but I knew I’d live. Britni and April sat on Michelle’s bed looking nervous, while Michelle kept pacing the room.

  “I bet she won’t be showing up unannounced at his house two in the morning anymore!” Michelle cried as she chewed on her bottom lip.

  “We should have jumped in before we did, Rayna, but we got a little scared and I’m sorry for that,” April pleaded while Britni, still in the state of shock, remained quiet.

  “It’s all right, girls. You played your part. We won this one so there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Truthfully, I thought you two were going to take off running.” I gave a snarl grin. These girls were as flimsy as they came, I had no faith in them.

  “If we would have run, it would have been together. All of us!” added Michelle.

  “You guys did a good job,” I repeated as I walked into the bathroom before I hopped into the shower.

  During my shower, I was blanketed with relief that Michelle wasn’t too angry. That made my third fight since I’d been in North Carolina. I’d promised her no more fighting, but I was tired of hearing about this Tiny girl who kept harassing Michelle. I was ready to put that thing to rest. Michelle didn’t deserve that no matter how good Tommy was in bed. With any luck, the drama was over and Michelle could enjoy the last few weeks of her senior year. Thinking of that reminded me that my best friend would be leaving me soon.

  I honestly didn’t know what I’d do the following year. If it weren’t for Michelle, I didn’t know where I’d be. Michelle offered to stay another year and get an apartment near campus. She knew I could afford my portion of the rent and utilities with the money I’d brought down with me from Jersey, but never touched. It was just sitting in the bank collecting interest. I refused her offer to stay in North Carolina not wanting to impose. I made Michelle swear she’d keep in touch.

  When I got out of the shower, Michelle yelled from the kitchen that some guy named Tyquan called. I made a puzzled gesture while walking into the kitchen.

  “He said that you two just met and you didn’t have his number, so here it is,” Michelle smiled at April thinking how cute it was for a guy to be calling me. I hadn’t seriously dated since I got to school.

  I got the number and went into my bedroom and p
ut on a pair of shorts and a tank top. All I could do was stare at the piece of paper and wonder how this guy had gotten my number. I hesitated in thought for a moment and then decided to dial the number. When someone picked up I heard this intriguing baritone voice speak, “Hello.”

  I couldn’t think for a moment and had to collect my thoughts and finally, “Hi, is Tyquan available?”

  “Holyfield, how are you?” said the voice on the other line heavily laden with a southern drawl.

  “Pardon me?”

  “Holyfield…the heavyweight champion of the world,” he said, trying to explain.

  “Oh! I got you. What’s up and how’d you get my number?”

  “I have very reliable sources. I was wondering if we could finish our conversation.”

  “Well, right now is not the best time. I have some studying to catch up on for my exam tomorrow morning at eight. So why don’t we continue over dinner Friday?”

  It was clear Tyquan was not expecting that, he stumbled over his words. He later told me he’d had his fair share of women during his lifetime and no one “required” a date. He didn’t even take his children’s mothers out for dinner on Mother’s Day.

  “A’ight that’s cool,” he responded.

  “Good. Call me Thursday night to set the time and place.”

  “Alright,” was all I gave him the opportunity to say before we disconnected.

  I went out with Tyquan that Friday night and many thereafter. He attended Michelle’s graduation/going away party for which, I had spent a small fortune on planning. He was a buffer for me after Michelle left although no one could replace my dear friend.

  I eventually lowered my guards with Tyquan and had sex with him. The sex was enjoyable, but to me there was something missing. Although I felt that he could never be more to me than a friend, I genuinely cared for him. We would go out to eat and to campus concerts. I would cook meals for him and take him out for special events like his birthday. I’d even occasionally spend time with his children when they were in town but generally, I made it a point to avoid them. I didn’t want to take on that mom or step-mom role since I had no intentions on taking the relationship any further.

  I continued to live on campus believing that it was a lot less expensive. I was fortunate enough to have scholarships out the wazoo. Even with them, I took out student loans to take care of Akeem’s lawyer fees and maintain his commissary, and then I would use what was necessary for school and bank the balance. The money I’d earned from working would help provide food, clothing, and what small bills I had. I stayed current on my lone credit card understanding the importance of good credit. I was as self-sufficient as possible. Michelle and I would alternate holiday visits making sure not miss a beat in each other’s lives. Almost as soon as Michelle returned home, she began working for her family’s physical therapy practice.

  One day during early spring semester of my senior year, I was at work and decided to call Tyquan. I had a taste for onion rings and hoped he was up to going out. As the telephone rang, I’d begun to hum a song being played on the radio.

  “Hello.”

  “Hey, Tyquan! I wanted to know if you wanted to grab a bite to eat tonight.”

  “Tonight?” He paused. “Ummmm…let me call you back.” His tone and response were awkward.

  “Okay I get off at six. Call me.”

  “A’ight”

  I didn’t like the brevity in his conversation but didn’t address it along with all of the distance he had been creating. If he didn’t pop up with flowers the day before, I would have thought he didn’t want to be bothered. Tyquan never called back while I was at work or that evening. In fact, he didn’t call until after midnight asking to come over. I didn’t mind, I was feeling a little horny, which was another reason I’d called him earlier anyway. So I got up and showered while waiting for him. When he came into my bedroom, I noticed he smelled sort of fresh, like he’d just stepped out of the shower.

  “Where are you coming from?”

  “From down by Red’s.”

  “Oh,” was all I said, not really caring at all but knowing that he lied.

  That night we had sex. I wanted it badly. It had been over two weeks since we had last been together. What was strange was how Tyquan had no condoms. He’d always carried them in the past and though it was unusual, I didn’t question it, but instead consented to unprotected sex believing it would be the first and last time because I’d planned on picking up a box for my stash. As always, we explored several positions. I’d grown to appreciate sex. Tyquan taught me most of what I knew. I quickly understood how he made those two children. Once he had orgasmed, Tyquan turned over as if he was going to sleep and I said, “I can go another round,” hinting over to him that I wanted more.

  He grumbled, “Baby, I’m all out,” and rolled over. I was upset and sauntered into the bathroom to shower again before I dosed off myself.

  I didn’t hear from Tyquan as much after that night and thought it was best. I wanted to end the relationship, I didn’t know if I’d remain in North Carolina after graduation. I didn’t know where I wanted to go but knew it wasn’t Jersey. Once in a while when Tyquan would cross my mind, I felt confused by his behavior and thought of the possibility of him dating someone else. I really didn’t care because I knew that I care for him the way that he preferred. But I did expect him to be honest about his bizarre behavior.

  Less than three weeks later, I found my way in the doctor’s office waiting to be seen. I had vaginal burning and itching and didn’t know why. Lately, my body hadn’t been functioning properly. More specifically, my vagina was out of whack. I had unusual vaginal discharge and sometimes felt a burning sensation when I urinated. It could have been a bladder infection but whenever I got sick, I’d always think of the worst possibility as to what the diagnosis could be, so naturally I thought of an STD, which one, I wasn’t too sure of.

  Leaving the doctor’s office, I thought to myself, I must have a sixth sense. Sure enough, it was an STD, gonorrhea to be exact. I didn’t get upset, I didn’t cry. I took it as a lesson learned and prepared to tell Tyquan goodbye, first I had to find him. The following day I stopped over at his place and was told by his grandmother, Mrs. Carey, that he no longer lived there.

  “Matter of fact, he been gone for three months. Him and Alex got a apartment in town. Let me give you his new address.” His grandmother limped her way to the back of the house while I stayed outside at the front door. She returned with the address scribbled on a piece of paper.

  “Thanks, ma’am.” I offered a warm smile.

  Disappointed and confused, I drove almost a half an hour to the address given by Mrs. Maples, from Cary to Raleigh. It was actually my first time in the capital. I’d heard of the city and how it was progressively becoming populated by African Americans, but never had the opportunity to visit until this unfortunate event. After getting off 401 North like Mrs. Maples advised, I pulled up at the first fast food joint that I could find to ask for further directions.

  Twenty minutes later, I was ringing a doorbell to a semi-kept garden apartment complex. I waited a few seconds before I rang the bell again, eventually hearing footsteps coming towards the door. The door slowly opened and there stood a short brown-skinned woman who obviously was awakened by my arrival. I studied her and could tell that she wasn’t a bad looking woman when cleaned up. She had crust in the corners of her mouth as she asked, “Can I help you?” with a snotty connotation.

  “Hi, I’m looking for Tyquan or an Alex. Are either one of them here?” I tried sounding as friendly and non-authoritative as possible. I understood I was a stranger and could easily be circumvented due to suspicion.

  “Yeah, both of ’em here. Which one do you want?”

  That was easy! “I’d prefer Tyquan.”

  “Who are you?” little Miss Crusty said with an attitude.

  “A friend of his.” I had never established a relationship with Tyquan, he was just a bed warmer or company k
eeper when I needed it. The woman turned around to go get Tyquan.

  She returned saying, “They back there…probably sleep. Go ‘head back there. It’s the one at the end of the hall.”

  I took a deep swallow hoping not to let off just how uncomfortable I was walking into a strange home. I walked down the corridor smelling an awful scent that turned my stomach. I heard all types of noises; babies crying, televisions, radios and people arguing. There had to be at least six rooms down there, all of which seemed to be occupied. What the hell type of place is this…a crack house? I wondered to myself. A small voice told me to turn back around and leave but I just had to see what was up with this dude.

  I knocked on the door but with no answer. I waited a few seconds before knocking again. The television was so loud that I didn’t think my knock could be heard over it, so I decided to open the door and peek in. I reminded myself how the chick at the door told me he was here. After turning the knob, as I slowly opened the door, I saw a woman on the bed naked with her legs opened. Under any circumstances, I would have shut the door in embarrassment but Tyquan was supposedly in this room. I continued to open the door quietly when I realized old girl didn’t even notice me. Sure enough she was getting cunnilingus by, whom I shortly realized was, Tyquan. That’s when I opened the door all the way to announce my presence. My knees gave out on me when I saw that behind Tyquan was a man giving it to him from the back. My last meal suddenly fell all over the floor when bile shot up from my belly.

  “What the fuck…!” the chick yelled.

  “I thought the damn door was locked,” is what the alpha-male shouted.

  Tyquan was frozen with no words until I gathered myself and began out of the house. I maintained a rapid stride down the hallway and busted a right to the door. By the time I hit the corner, Tyquan was running and calling after me.

  “Rayna, wait up! Wait up, girl!” he screamed.

  I turned to see him running with a towel hiding his penis. I played Jackie Joyner and jetted out that bitch like my life depended on it. I missed several steps, jumped off the porch, and hauled ass in my car. By the time I’d turned the key in the ignition, he was at my car banging on the glass.