Love Lost (Love's Improbable Possibility)

by Belvin, Love

  “Oh?” was all I could squeeze out. Now it was my turn to nervously brush the back of my neck. I needed to break the heavy flow of passion that transmitted between us.

  “I’ll put that on my last.” He took another sip of his cognac and a deep pause followed. “Rayna, I have to be honest. Right now, I’m in a transitional period in my life. Now, I’m not saying that I’m ready to get married and have kids, but I would like companionship. In my formative years, I ran the streets so much I damn sure didn’t want a woman chasing behind me cramping my style. But now, there aren’t many places I frequent where she can’t go. I’ve been sizing you up and I’ve noticed how you don’t ask for much of me. I believe much of that is because you don’t know me well enough to trust me but whatever it is—it works for me. And all I can do is fly with it until I see it isn’t working anymore.” I wasn’t expecting that, it was a lot to take in.

  “Speaking of clocking, you didn’t speak in great detail of your previous significant relationship.” I suddenly wanted to know more about him.

  “Neither have you.”

  I blushed feeling like I was busted. “Well, that’s because I don’t have any.”

  “You’ve never had a boyfriend?” he said in disbelief.

  “Believe it or not, I’ve only had one and that was in high school.”

  “So that lasted quite a few years, huhn?” he presumed.

  “Ummm, not exactly,” I said as I shifted in my seat. I heard Raheem hit a high note, which reminded me of where we were. The ambiance was perfect. Too perfect. The conversation was getting touchy. I didn’t want to discuss my past. “That relationship basically ended with high school. I’ve had encounters since then…you know…a friend here and there but nothing that’s materialized anything worthy to speak of.”

  “Has that been by choice?”

  “No. It’s just that I’ve encountered so much bullshit…you know, liar after cheater…after player…after even a wanna-be abuser—that of course didn’t last long because I don’t do too well with people hitting me. So, I just want something real and honest. If that means you being honest and saying you have a girlfriend, or you can’t control your temper, or you can’t tell the truth to save your life, or you like guys just as much as you like women—give me that up front. This way I can make an informative decision as to whether or not I can deal,” I was preaching with conviction.

  “Damn! You had one of those?” Azmir’s mouth twisted into a rueful smile, referring to bisexual men.

  I snorted, “Yeah, man. I’ve encountered them all!” I sighed and we laughed.

  The waitress came back with our food and refills on our drinks not too long after the conversation heated up. Azmir did a little opening up himself. He told me that he had moved around a lot as a child. He’d even lived in Chicago for a few years. I wasn’t expecting him to disclose that he lost his father to the streets in the line of duty. His father was a cop and was killed when Azmir was twelve years old. He didn’t speak much about his mother other than saying she wasn’t in California. He said when things grew out of control in Brooklyn after his father’s passing his mom moved him out to Chi-town. However, out there he started getting into trouble and was incarcerated. So that’s where his rough nature comes from?

  Azmir shared how he spent two years in a juvenile detention center. When he was released he had nowhere to go because his mother left town without notice. He was almost homeless until a friend of his father’s came to help him out. He maintained the bills in Azmir’s mother’s apartment when he was only sixteen and registered him in school. They made a deal; Azmir would get into no trouble and stay under the radar so he wouldn’t need this “guardian” to visit the school. He paid all of Azmir’s expenses and even paid for a top tutoring program to catch him up in his studies.

  Azmir graduated 3rd in his class. The scholarships came pouring in for college. Stanford was one of many options but the one he chose. Azmir said he only completed three years there because the idea of starting his own business was calling his name. He worked dog hours and saved up enough to start throwing local parties. He made enough from that venture to open up his first bodega. After having two in South Central, Azmir set his sights on higher heights and opened up a unisex salon. That venture led to two more salons; one was a barbershop and the other was a beauty salon exclusively for women.

  As we enjoyed our meal, Azmir said he grew hungrier for success by the minute. He had grown up with a few well-known rap artists of today and they put him onto a new means of entrepreneurship. He said these everyday people had made it big and started opening up restaurants and clubs. So he and Petey opened a strip club though that was primarily Petey’s business. He next moved to the club we visited a week or so ago called, “The Joint” and things took off from there.

  Azmir said the amazing thing is that all of his businesses, with the exception of the bodegas, still exists and are thriving today. He even shared when his aspirations for mergers and acquisitions began. Azmir has had an established firm for a few years now that is flourishing. This man was doing the damn thing!

  We listened as Mark got up to give a few words of thanks for everyone attending the reopening of Mahogany. He was an articulate man but with a challenged sense of humor. Mark handed the stage back over to Raheem to continue his romantic serenades. Azmir must have felt the same about Mark’s skewed sense of humor because he commented on it and told me stories about him trying to help his friend with pick-up lines. We laughed endlessly and freely at the worst pick-up lines we’d ever heard. Azmir laughing…wow!

  My mirth slowed before his at some point because I couldn’t ignore the allure of his profile as Azmir’s attention went to his musical instruments that were given as gifts placed there on the table. He closely observed it and read the instructions. Azmir’s cheekbones sat high and curved with strong masculinity. His eyelashes curled wonderfully above his crescent-shaped eyes that were a mesmeric shade of brown with depths below the deepest of seas. His mouth was slender but his full lips spoke endless sensual possibilities. I drank in his low haircut that was always trimmed with precision.

  My heart beat rapidly in my chest and the pulse between my legs pleaded with me to let it be known. I had to have him. I could fool Michelle into my failing mission to take things slow, but that all faded in Azmir’s presence. I saw visions of me on top of him milking him from between my legs and watching his eyes roll back. Hell, I’d even dreamed about it a few times. It was during times like this when I was around him that I lost all restraints. Azmir caught my ogling and his mouth twitched into a smirk sending me into lecherous fury.

  “I want you.”

  Shit! The words slipped from my mouth sans approval from my brain.

  “I know.”

  WHAT?

  “H-how do you know?” I swallowed in an attempt to wet my sudden raspy voice.

  His tantalizing eyes slanted, giving away his thoughts and he craned his neck to whisper in my ear, “Because I can feel the reverberation of you throbbing on the bench.”

  I gasped all of a sudden feeling inundated with shame and need. I grabbed the base of my neck feeling exposed. Looking around our booth I felt exposed, though I knew in all good sense that no one was paying us attention as the show was in full flow. And not to mention we were far out of hearing range for the entire room in the large circular booth, but I felt as bare as being nude.

  I felt my tongue reach the back of my mouth not realizing it was one of Azmir’s tendencies until he said, “No. There’s no need to be embarrassed. It’s perfectly okay to have an intact libido.”

  I felt the pull from deep down and in no time, the pool in my panties pushed me to adjust myself in my seat. I needed to regain control of myself and this conversation.

  “I’m just kidding…being a little too flirtatious.” That was weak, but an attempt nonetheless. And Azmir wasn’t buying it, I could tell from the sleek grin that formed on his beautiful face. I scoffed, “You may not be all that
great in bed anyway. You know what they say, not one person can have it all.” That was delivered more believably. I was desperate for a rebound.

  Azmir gazed deep into my eyes locking them in place. It was the strangest way I’d ever connected with a man. I couldn’t move my gaze, neither could I breathe, I was somehow paralyzed. He scooted over closer and immediately I felt the heat radiating from his proximity, his delicious scent blanketed me, deluding me of all good judgment and awareness of my surroundings. He lowered his mouth to my ear, “Breathe, Brimm. Breathe.”

  “I’m fine,” I managed to mutter over my heaving chest. I could no longer hold in air. He was so close that all I had to do was hiccup and my lips would fall on his.

  “I don’t think you are. And I think I can prove it.” His breath carried a hint of brandy that turned my nipples taut. His warm hands traveled up my hiked dress stripping me of all will. I muffled a groan when his fingers found their way to the bed of my panties, rubbing back and forth over my vaginal lips. Azmir put his fingers to work as he looked me directly in the eyes communicating comfort through his fixated gaze. With total equanimity in play, he was calm as he amorously mangled my brewing body.

  He slowly cocked his head to the side, messaging to my body to relax and his eyes danced with mine telling me that we were further connecting, totally cutting off everything and everyone around us. His fingers worked their way into my panties and started massaging my swollen pearl. My legs gave way and parted in total submission to him. And when they did he gave a slight nod in approval of his will.

  “Goddamn, Brimm, you’re crying down here,” he growled lowly.

  My eyes grew heavy and my mouth collapsed from the total bliss I was experiencing, my body responding to his touch as I creamed in his hand. And I did so unabashed because that’s what I knew he was summoning, he wanted control over me and I couldn’t help but give it to him. My face hardened as I didn’t want to give him total control so easily, the expression of exhilaration that he would have enjoyed. My body may have been giving him what he wanted to feel but my face wouldn’t show him what he wanted to see.

  “Do you want me to stop?” his voice was husky and low in my ear as his teeth grazed it.

  Did I? Hell no! I shook my head slowly and felt the spasms in my face and my bottom lip quiver from the clitoral stimulation. I was ready to burst at the seams. The next thing I felt was his mouth on mine aggressively pulling at my lip and his tongue to entered and devoured me. Possessed me. Our second kiss. He tasted even better than he smelled as he kissed me hungrily disproving my denial of wanting him so desperately…or that he wasn’t a good lover? He slipped two fingers inside me and his thumb circled my pearl sending voltages up my spine as heat surged my body. My hands rose to his to pull him closer to me. No one may have been able to see his sexual assault on my body in the alcove of the booth but I didn’t care if they saw our raptured kiss and assumed we were no more than making out.

  Azmir’s fingers explored my canal until one swipe over a sensitive area ended the search. I moaned into his mouth and he focused on that sweet responsive spot along with my aching pearl, rubbing and massaging relentlessly against the romantic sounds and ambiance of Mahogany. His tongue moved swiftly when he flickered it against my own, mimicking his dexterous movements between my legs. He twisted his fingers inside me around and around while his tongue explored my mouth so sensually. My belly lurched and my head swung back forcefully into the headrest of the bench as my body convulsed in a hard orgasm. Simultaneously, fear crept into the far recesses of my mind as I was melting all in his hand. I couldn’t believe I was having an orgasm in a lounge, in public, and at the ministrations of Azmir Jacobs.

  I opened my mouth, “Azmir!” my cries barely audible.

  “Shhhh…” he urged, pulling at my bottom lip with his mouth.

  And when my moans poured out he covered my mouth with his soft brandy-hinted lips, keeping me from tipping off our neighbors. I felt his protectiveness and appreciated it. It wasn’t for him; it was for me. Azmir would have looked like the proverbial player for fingering a woman in his best friend’s lounge but I would have been the tramp, the cheap date who was just another notch on his belt. Azmir cradled me, working his tongue back in my mouth, pulling me so close into him that I could feel his hard chest against my trembling arm, somehow making me feel so secure and protected while I rode out the longest orgasm I may have ever had up until that point. I couldn’t help but welcome him in hungrily and we continued our oral embrace.

  When I was able to open my eyes, shame threatened again until they met Azmir’s adoring gaze. It was warm and unremorseful and composed.

  “You okay?” he asked with a hidden smirk.

  My head was still against the back of the booth as he slowly withdrew his hand from beneath my dress. I nodded with drunken eyes and out of breath.

  “Are you okay?” I knew he had to be ready to go so that I could return the favor. I wanted him to tell me he needed me.

  I watched in disbelief as I saw him take each finger that was in my sex and raise them to his mouth to suck off my juices. I’d never seen anything so erotic.

  “I am now.” His face was impassive but I knew there was no way that he could be okay. I knew where his mind was. “You’re going to be trouble,” he observed, appraising my juices as his eyes traveled appreciatively from his fingers to me. His tone was pithy and decisive.

  What does that mean?

  “Are you ready to leave?” I felt heat coursing through my veins at the sight of him licking me off him.

  “I’m in no rush. Like I said, Im’ma tap that ass, but now is not the time. We have a show to finish.”

  My breath hitched. I don’t know if I was completely turned on by the anticipation or thrown by the timeline, that he didn’t give.

  “Breathe, Brimm. Breathe,” he murmured. I exhaled not realizing I had so much air built up. I wanted him so badly, even more so now that I knew he could be an exhibitionist. I just sat there imploring him with my eyes as he licked me off his fingers. “I think I better go wash my hands before I get tempted to fuck you in this booth.”

  I grabbed his face pulling him into my mouth and tasted myself on him, something I hated in the past but oddly, I tasted good on Azmir. Too good. He let me devour him ravenously and even let a groan escape. I wanted him to lose restraint just as he had inflicted upon me moments earlier. I let up off him thinking that we would have plenty of time to test his self-control after the show.

  Azmir took to the restrooms to clean up, then I followed suit. When I’d gotten back to the booth his mood of the ultimate gentleman had returned with very little hint of the skilled seducer that had me clawing up the bench earlier.

  We eventually got up to mingle with his friends. Shortly thereafter, I saw Petey and a few men behind him stalking briskly through the crowd of patrons passing right by me. He didn’t speak, which worried me. He stopped at his commander and chief and whispered something in Azmir’s ear. Azmir’s eyes narrowed as he processed the urgent information.

  He then turned to me and said, “There’s been an accident. I’m going to have Ray, my driver, take you home whenever you’re ready.”

  He was very formal, certainly not the man who’d made love to me with his hand a half an hour earlier. I didn’t want to separate from him that night at all, let alone in an emergency situation. I’d had plans for him.

  “Sure. I hope everything is okay…” I uttered trying not to pry but hoping he’d provide some type of explanation. I’d been having such a great time with him, and his friends even.

  “I’ll call you as soon as I can. Ray will be outside waiting.” He kissed my forehead and was led out by his entourage.

  What in the hell happened? He left so abruptly. I didn’t want to stay without him so I went back to the table to gather our favors and the rest of my things and said my goodbyes to Mark and Eric before leaving myself. When I stepped outside, just as Azmir assured, his driver was right there in f
ront waiting.

  Ray smiled and asked, “Where to, Ms. Brimm?”

  I went back to Michelle’s house.

  I didn’t see Azmir for days and when we did speak, it was through text and emails. I tried not to focus on it too much because between work, tending to Michelle and Erin, still settling in the new house and practicing with Jimmie for Azmir’s party I was extremely preoccupied. However, the distance didn’t come without doubt, my last time with Azmir gave reservations about what we had going on. I’d be the first to admit that I had no interest in a full blown relationship, but Azmir was different; different in that I didn’t believe he wanted a full blown relationship either but it was clear he wanted an affair, and hopefully exclusivity.

  Chapter 8

  Rayna

  Before I knew it, June had arrived. Petey called me to confirm my dancing at Azmir’s party. I told him I’d been practicing almost daily for it at that point.

  “Okay! What song you using so I can tell the D.J.?” he asked.

  “My choreographer thought we’d use Jay-Z’s “Hollywood” from the Kingdom Come album.”

  “Oh, word?!” he asked with mirthful amusement. “That shit is funny. Jay gonna be there…they gonna get a kick outta dis’ shit!”

  “Oh, yeah?” I asked in total shock trying to control my voice since I was in my office at work. I didn’t get the joke, but whatever. Was Azmir really that well known to have the reigning king of Hip-Hop at his birthday party? Butterflies suddenly blossomed in my stomach. This can’t be good.

  “Hell yeah! I had Divine’s manager at Cobalt hire dis’ professional party planner and she just faxed me the RSVP’s so far. You know what Im’ma do? Im’ma call Jay and see how we can play dis’ shit out. We gonna make dis’ shit official, ya’ heard me!” he trilled. “I’ll hit you back wit’ dat’ doe.”

  I agreed and we hung up, and not a minute too soon because there was a knock at my door. It was Sharon telling me Azmir was here to see me. From the silhouette of a tall and lean man just beyond her, I could surmise he was standing behind her. Panic interrupted my mood. I hadn’t seen him in days and wasn’t prepared to see him in that moment. I prayed to the dear heavens that I was presentable. She knew the policy was to page me from up front when I had a guest. This led me to believe she’d caught on to our special friendship.