I said hell there may not even be a PTA.
I said but why me?
Dawson looked me squarely in the eye.
He said Purdue you’re our best bet.
He said you’re a patriotic cuss.
He said you work alone.
He said you move quickly and you’re experienced and tough.
He said you’re resourceful and you’re capable of positive action.
He said you’re our man right down the line.
He said providing you can meet a couple of conditions.
I said for twelve hundred a month I’m listening.
Dawson said well for openers you’ll have to close this office.
I said what happens to all my clients?
Dawson brushed a fleck of cigarette ash from his coat sleeve.
He said by God Purdue there’s a sparrow on your window ledge.
I said that’s Winston.
I said what about my lease?
Dawson dismissed the lease with a curt wave of his hand.
He said we’ll take care of the minor matters.
I said what’s the other condition?
Dawson rubbed the side of his nose.
He said I’m afraid it may strike you as being a trifle odd.
I said hey you should hear some of the goofy offers I get.
I said just the other day a guy came in here with an idea.
I said he told me if I would hold up the Dearborn Trust and Savings he would split the money with me.
Dawson said what did you tell him?
I said I told him I don’t have a gun.
Dawson said don’t you?
I said of course not.
I said if I had a gun I might shoot somebody.
I said probably me.
Dawson licked his lips.
He said go on with the story.
I said well this guy offered to loan me his bow and arrow.
I said I sent him over to the Ammson Private Detective Agency.
Dawson said naturally your ingenuity weighed most heavily in our selection.
He took a deep breath and exhaled loudly.
In a little while he said okay Purdue here it comes.
He said we want you to move in with your lady friend.
The only sound in the office was the ticking of my wristwatch.
It was deafening.
I said move in with who?
Dawson said don’t scream like that.
He said the young lady on Kelvin Avenue.
He said that fetching little blonde on the second floor.
He said the one you didn’t have lunch with today.
I thought about it.
I said it is sure as hell a small world.
I said do you know there is just a chance that you are talking about Betsy?
I stood up.
I said well Mr. Dawson it has been simply divine but you must excuse me.
I said I am terribly overdue on something like forty murder cases.
I said not to mention any number of kidnappings.
I said besides I am going to hold up the Dearborn Trust and Savings.
Dawson motioned for me to sit down.
He said Purdue believe me this is the only way it will work.
I said great God man there must be a better way than that.
I said why you are killing the dog to get rid of the fleas.
I said you are feeding the cat to the goddam mice.
I said you are cutting down the goddam trees so you can see the goddam forest.
Dawson’s face had turned brick red.
He banged my desk with his fist.
He said cool it Purdue.
He said this is no goddam time to go into hysterics.
He said now you listen to me.
He said can’t you see that a man shouldn’t go around investigating a crackerjack Soviet organization while operating out of a downtown office?
He said why DADA might blow up the goddam building.
I said well that’s a lot better than getting Betsy’s apartment blown up.
I said Betsy got a nice apartment.
I said she just put up new drapes.
Dawson said Purdue will you stop waving your arms and sit down and shut up?
Winston was fluttering wildly on the window ledge.
Dawson said do it our way and DADA will never suspect.
He said you merely have to pretend that you weren’t doing too well on your own.
I said a man hates to live a lie.
Dawson said we just want you to look domesticated.
He said low profile all the way.
I said do you know what you’re asking?
I said do you know what happens to me if I move in with Betsy?
I said I never get out that’s what happens to me.
I said why don’t you move in with Betsy?
Dawson didn’t reply.
He just sat there looking forlorn.
Finally he said Purdue please sit down.
I sat down.
I said well you see how it is.
Dawson looked up.
His eyes were moist.
His voice quavered.
He said this is for your country Purdue.
I said for Christ’s sake Dawson she’s a whore.
Dawson said isn’t call girl more appropriate?
I said but that goddam telephone.
Dawson placed a white card on the corner of my desk.
He said this is the combination for an Elmwood Park Post Office box.
He said you will pick up your pay and instructions there each Friday.
He said you may also leave word regarding your progress.
I shrugged.
I said breathes there the man with soul so dead.
Dawson had pulled out a big blue bandanna.
He dabbed at his eyes.
He said God bless you Purdue.
He said America needs more men of your caliber.
He gave me a pat on the shoulder.
He went out.
He closed the door softly behind him.
Like they do in hospitals.
And funeral parlors.
I shrugged.
I dug a half-pint of Sunnybrook out of a desk drawer.
Well what the hell.
We all got to go sometime.
33
…onliest trouble with great patriots is we ain’t got none…
Monroe D. Underwood
It was eleven peeyem at Wallace’s.
The Sox had just finished losing to Cleveland 10-1.
I had just wiped out my ninth beer.
One per inning.
I am very good at arithmetic.
Wallace turned off the television set.
He brought me a beer.
Wallace was a big guy.
He was sixty or so.
He had faded red hair.
What there was of it.
He had a sagging belly and saddle-brown eyes and no teeth and flat feet and a perpetual hangover and an excellent business.
Wallace operated the average-guy sort of gin mill.
Twenty stools and six booths.
No pool table.
No pinball machines.
Friendly middle-aged neighborhood traffic.
When the ball game went off so did the television.
Wallace detested soap operas and quiz shows.
He couldn’t tolerate situation comedies and police stuff.
Old movies bored him and new ones disturbed him.
Commercials drove him crazy.
Wallace’s opinion of television was wrapped up in one nasty little word.
Wallace put his elbows on the bar.
He sighed.
He said I am going to sell this firetrap and move to Georgia.
He said I am going to buy a cotton gin.
He said I keep getting these awful Chicago headaches.
He said it’s the air p
ollution and them Sox.
He said them Sox is destroying me.
Old Dad Underwood spoke up.
Speaking up was Old Dad Underwood’s greatest fault.
He said them Sox is only a couple years away.
Wallace said from what?
Old Dad Underwood said well right about now it looks like bankruptcy.
Wallace looked at me.
He shook his head.
He said if your girl friend wasn’t coming through the door I’d kill him on the spot.
Betsy approached with her slightly pigeon-toed panther walk.
She popped onto the stool next to mine.
She said hi Philo.
She winked at Wallace.
Wallace blushed and spilled a glass of beer.
Betsy fished a pack of Kools out of a handbag almost the size of a medicine ball.
She lit up and blew a few smoke rings.
One inside the other.
Betsy is very good at smoke rings.
She said I was in the neighborhood.
I said you still are.
Betsy said so what’s happening?
I shrugged.
I said oh not a hell of a lot.
I said except I am going to move in with you.
Betsy turned slowly on her barstool.
She gave me a very sober look.
She said Chance let us not go around making jokes about matters that are not matters to go around making jokes about.
I said it’s true.
I said I got to live with you for awhile.
I said it has to do with a big investigation I am conducting.
I said it is top-drawer stuff.
I said living with you will be sort of a cover.
I said nothing more than that you understand.
Betsy said oh?
She put her cigarette out.
She lit another.
She was trembling just a bit.
She said now Philo I have tidings for you.
She said big investigation or no big investigation there is one thing you damn well better know before you move in with me.
I said never mind.
I said I already know.
I said I’ll never get out.
Betsy said my love you may go to the head of the class.
I shrugged.
I finished my beer.
I ordered a shot of Sunnybrook.
I drank a toast to freedom.
I ordered another and drank a toast to my country.
Then I toasted George Washington and General Black Jack Pershing and Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Stonewall Jackson.
I toasted Dick Tracy and Babe Ruth and Ulysses S. Grant and Bela Lugosi.
Not necessarily in that order.
I toasted Horatio Alger and John Dillinger.
I said gimme another drink.
I said I think I forgot Ethan Allen.
Betsy called Wallace over.
She said had he been drinking when he got here?
Wallace nodded.
Betsy said and how many have you served him?
Wallace said well if he gets one for Ethan Allen it will be maybe twenty.
Betsy said oh-oh.
She said we got big trouble.
She said that much always shifts him into a patriotic gear.
I said let’s have one for good old Ethan Allen.
Betsy said I have to get him home somehow.
She said time is of the essence.
She said he’s about due to give us The Pledge of Allegiance.
She said have you ever heard him do “Hats Off the Flag Is Passing By”?
Wallace blanched.
I said how about one for Ethan Allen?
Wallace said I better have Old Dad Underwood watch the joint.
He said I’ll drive over to your place and give you a hand.
Betsy said surely goodness and mercy will follow you all the days of your life.
I said just one more for Ethan Allen.
They stuffed me into Betsy’s car.
I said Ethan Allen isn’t going to like this.
Betsy got in and started the engine.
I said hold it.
I said this operation is hereby declared suspended.
I said what about my automobile?
Betsy said we’ll get it later.
I said my Alte Kameraden tape is in there.
Betsy said stick your head out of the window.
She said you don’t look well.
I said be not deceived.
I said I am at the top of my game.
On the way to Betsy’s I sang “America the Beautiful.”
Several times.
Betsy said Chance it’s spacious skies not skacious pies.
I said Betsy who is singing this song me or you?
Wallace and Betsy dragged me up the stairs.
I said I regret that I have but one life to give for my country.
I said shoot if you must this old gray head but spare your country’s flag you rotten bastards.
I said Lafayette we are here so get your blooming ass in gear.
I said damn the torpedoes full speed ahead.
They dumped me onto the bed.
Wallace said he’s really gung ho tonight.
Betsy said what did I tell you?
She said next comes the close-order drill business.
She said hut two three four to the rear march hut two three four.
She said like that.
Wallace said my God.
He said can you get his clothes off?
Betsy said thus far it has never presented a particularly difficult problem.
Wallace said good-night.
I said hut two three four.
I said unfettered I shall rise and fly into the freedom of blue sky.*
Betsy said don’t you bet on it baby.
* * *
* Admiral Yogo Takashita’s poem reprinted courtesy of Kamikaze Veterans’ Digest.
Its remaining lines are:
And there on eager pinion soar
O’er cloud and rainbow evermore;
With Rising Sun to light my way
I’ll bomb Pearl Harbor twice a day.
34
…any old time you see a man what is ahead of a woman you just got to figure he is already a couple laps behind…
Monroe D. Underwood
I woke up somewhere around noon.
I had the granddaddy of all the headaches in history.
Betsy was hanging my blue sports coat in the closet.
I said I thought I was wearing my brown sports coat.
Betsy said you were.
I said but that is my blue sports coat.
I said I believe an explanation is in order.
Betsy said I took your keys and picked up your clothing.
She said Wallace will bring the rest of your things this afternoon.
She said including your wallet and the shoe you left in his tavern.
I said he better be careful with my recording of Alte Kameraden.
I said recordings of Alte Kameraden don’t grow on trees.
I said I hope you didn’t lose anything.
Betsy said nothing but a little black book.
I groaned.
I said how did that happen?
Betsy said it fell into the toilet.
I said by accident of course.
Betsy said of course.
I said and then somebody flushed the toilet.
Betsy said how did you know that?
I said I’m a detective.
Betsy said would you believe it took four times to make all those little pieces go down?
I said where the hell is my automobile?
Betsy said it’s right in front of the building.
I said let me guess what building.
I said the Wrigley Building.
Betsy said Chance your car is right here.
She said you can see
it from the window.
I said how did you bring that off?
Betsy said I took a cab to your car.
She said can you figure it from there?
I said you are a diabolically clever female.
Betsy said oh sweetheart if you only knew.
I said is there a sparrow on the window ledge?
Betsy said yes.
I said that’s Winston.
I went back to sleep.
35
…only govinment man I ever knowed was a meat inspector…got hoof and mouth disease…they had to shoot him…
Monroe D. Underwood
On Friday morning I drove to the Elmwood Park Post Office.
There was an envelope in the box.
It contained six crisp fifty-dollar bills.
Typewritten on a small white card was FIND NIVLEK YSTEB.
36
…living with a woman ain’t so bad providing a man don’t make a habit of it…
Monroe D. Underwood
I drove back to Betsy’s place.
The moment I stepped out of my car Mary Bright’s Airedale broke loose.
I had to go all out to beat him to the door by a length.
Bonzo reared up on the glass.
His eyes were shining.
His tongue was hanging out.
He smiled at me.
So did Mary Bright.
I waved to Mary Bright.
She waved back.
Bonzo barked.
I went upstairs.
Betsy had left a note.
She was out on a call.
I sprawled on the couch and read a story in Eagles magazine.
“Death Birds of the Argonne Skies.”
After that I played a game of chess with myself.
Stalemate.
I watched part of the ball game on television.
The Cubs were getting massacred.
I ate a ham sandwich with horseradish mustard.
I drank two cans of beer.
It was very hot horseradish mustard.
I found my recording of Alte Kameraden.
It sounded great on Betsy’s big set.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes.
I fell asleep on the couch.
It had been an afternoon of utter debauchery.
37
…most dangerous creature on earth is a pretty woman what can cook…
Monroe D. Underwood
Betsy woke me up about five o’clock.
I said that was one hell of a long call.
Betsy said those were three very short calls.
I said is that better?
The Dada Caper Page 5
