I headed for Mama Rosa’s grocery store.
Mama Rosa was beating the Mercury driver over the head with a pepperoni.
The passenger staggered free of the wreckage.
He jumped through what was left of the plate glass window.
Bonzo was in hot pursuit.
A moment later I heard the passenger yelling liberare me abietto bestia.
The driver broke loose from Mama Rosa.
His gray eyes protruded like a grasshopper’s.
He demolished a potato chip display.
He went through the door.
He didn’t open it.
He lit out for the alley.
I started after him.
I tripped and fell.
I bounced to my feet.
I rounded the corner.
I saw Myrtle Culpepper bring him down with a flying tackle.
I stopped.
Sirens wailed in the distance.
72
…big difference between getting married and going to jail is jailhouse coffee ain’t always bad…
Monroe D. Underwood
At the Shakespeare police station Kellis J. Ammson was missing some hair.
His face was scratched.
His lower lip was swollen.
He was waving his wig with one hand.
He was waving his phony moustache with the other.
Bits of potato chips rained to the floor.
Kellis J. Ammson mopped his eyes with his wig.
He said officer we were hired to protect this flaming lunatic.
He said oh great flaming God in flaming heaven can you imagine that?
He said like Little Red flaming Hood being hired to protect the flaming wolf.
He said I got raped to boot.
Kellis J. Ammson said she gave me a flaming dime.
Gino Scarletti said I no even getta dime.
The seat of Gino Scarletti’s pants was missing.
He was picking glass out of his ears.
He tore off his wig.
He ripped at his walrus moustache.
He shrieked with pain.
He said amma forget thatsa mine.
He said to hell with thissa racket.
He said I know where I getta new job.
He said testa parachutes over shark infesta waters.
He said it ain’t good but itsa safer.
I threw my wig and drooping black moustache into a wastebasket.
I shrugged.
I said how could I know it was you guys?
I said you were wearing wigs and moustaches.
I said I thought you were Communists.
I said who hired you?
Kellis J. Ammson said your flaming girl friend the flaming whore.
I grabbed Kellis J. Ammson by the necktie.
I said call girl you ignoramus.
The grizzled old desk sergeant looked up from his crossword puzzle.
He smiled a sad smile.
He said boys it has been just creamy.
He said you have brought sunshine into my drab existence.
He said your antics have warmed my heart.
He said and now you sonsofbitches are going to jail.
He motioned to a couple of cops.
He said throw the happiness boys in the cooler.
He said throw the keys in the lake.
73
…oncet I knowed a feller what got throwed in jail…wouldn’t let his wife bail him out…said he knowed a good thing when he had it…
Monroe D. Underwood
Mama Rosa bailed Gino Scarletti out at eight o’clock.
She took him by the arm.
She said hey kid amma like you fromma start.
Gino Scarletti said somma start.
Mama Rosa said amma gonna give you high-classa posish.
She said needa man arounda store.
She said odda jobs.
She crushed Gino Scarletti to her enormous bosom.
She said anna things.
Gino Scarletti said anna whatta things?
Mama Rosa said hey kid don’t acta dumb.
She led him away.
He went docilely.
Betsy bailed me out at ten o’clock.
That left Kellis J. Ammson.
Kellis J. Ammson rattled his cell door in the manner of a circus gorilla.
He said &@#$%¢*!
The grizzled old desk sergeant said don’t rattle that door and stop saying &@#$%¢*!
He said profanity is the clamoring of the limited intellect.
Kellis J. Ammson said I wish to announce that I am not favorably impressed with the recent flaming course of flaming events.
He said I predict sweeping flaming changes in the immediate flaming future.
I waved to Ammson.
I said I’ll send the flaming Salvation Army band.
I said I’ll have it play “The Myrtle Culpepper Lullaby.”
Kellis J. Ammson said go jump in bed with your flaming whore.
The grizzled old desk sergeant said call girl you flaming barbarian.
Betsy’s car was parked around the corner.
I said what took you so long?
Betsy said I had a call.
I said I didn’t know you serviced the Schenectady area.
Betsy said Chance why don’t you drop this crazy case?
I said how can I drop it?
I said I’m working for the government.
I said I got to find that goddam Nivlek Ysteb.
Betsy sighed.
She said but you aren’t finding Nivlek Ysteb.
She said all you are doing is pounding lumps on Ammson and Scarletti.
I said that don’t make me a bad guy.
I said how come you hired those clowns?
Betsy said I was trying to keep you from getting hurt.
As we drove away Betsy said what are you staring at?
I said I thought I saw Myrtle Culpepper in that doorway across the street.
74
…feller what said every dark cloud got a silver lining didn’t know aluminum foil when he seen it…
Monroe D. Underwood
When we got home the phone was ringing.
Betsy answered it.
She said oh yes just a moment please.
She glanced anxiously in my direction.
She said Chance I’m simply parched.
She said would you get me a bottle of orange soda from the refrigerator?
When I came back Betsy had hung up.
She said sweetie I have a hurry-up appointment.
I shrugged.
I said okay.
I said what the hell.
I said don’t worry about me kiddo.
I said I got to finish a story in Eagles magazine.
I said besides I’m pretty tired.
Betsy said don’t be mad.
I said who’s mad?
I said everything is peaches.
I said life is just a great big bowl of raspberries.
Betsy left without touching her orange soda.
I sat on the couch and smoked a few cigarettes.
I turned the radio on.
I heard “The Myrtle Culpepper Boogie.”
I turned the radio off.
I turned the record player on.
Alte Kameraden didn’t help.
I went to bed.
It was a rotten world.
75
…sex is something you can’t put back where you got it…
Monroe D. Underwood
Betsy came in shortly after four.
I felt her get into bed.
We didn’t touch each other.
After daylight I heard the phone ring a couple of times.
At ten o’clock Betsy shook me awake.
Very gently.
I said what’s up?
Betsy said Old Dad Underwood was tending bar at Wallace’s last night.
I said Betsy did you wake me up to
tell me that?
Betsy said he was raped by Myrtle Culpepper.
She said Myrtle Culpepper left him five hundred dollars.
I said well what’s he bitching about?
I said he had a lot better night than I did.
I said is he all right?
Betsy said oh sure.
She said he has fallen head-over-heels in love with Myrtle Culpepper.
She said he is writing a song about her.
She said he says it will be better than “When the Golden Beer is Foaming in Wyoming.”
I said that’s great.
I said they were made for each other.
I went back to sleep.
76
…oncet I knowed a good whore what went straight…three hunnert fellers had to start sleeping with their wives…it was a most tragic period…
Monroe D. Underwood
I got up at noon.
Betsy said don’t you want something besides a cup of black coffee?
I said in a few minutes.
Betsy said then what?
I said another cup of black coffee.
I was looking at the morning Chicago Sun-Times.
It said that Myrtle Culpepper had raped a veteran desk sergeant at the Shakespeare police station late last night.
It said she had left him a crossword-puzzle book.
It said that the veteran desk sergeant had announced his retirement from the police force effective immediately.
It quoted him as saying &@#$%¢*!
It mentioned that he had been through a lot recently.
It said that he planned to spend his retirement years somewhere south of the South Pole.
I dug a pack of Camels out of my bathrobe pocket.
I gave one to Betsy.
We lit up.
Betsy didn’t blow any smoke rings.
I said you were acting mighty strange last night.
I said do you want to tell me about it?
Betsy nodded in slow motion.
She stared into her coffee cup.
Without looking up she said Chance do you remember what you told me the other evening?
I shrugged.
I said what other evening?
Betsy said the evening of the storm.
I said we were talking about Eagles magazine.
Betsy said now Chance Purdue you just cut that out.
She said you told me you would marry me as soon as you caught up with Nivlek Ysteb.
I said oh that.
Betsy looked up.
She said did you mean it?
I shrugged.
I said I guess.
Betsy said wait a minute.
She said you guess?
I said okay I meant it.
I said of course there is still that minor matter of locating good old Nivlek.
I smiled like a leopard in a canary hatchery.
Betsy winked at me.
She mimicked my smile.
She leaned forward.
She dangled her left hand under my nose.
She said big boy you better know where you can buy a wedding ring in one hell of a hurry.
She winked at me.
She said Chance I can give you Nivlek Ysteb in five minutes.
She winked at me again.
I said I didn’t think you drank this early in the day.
I said that’s probably what is wrong with your eye.
Betsy said so now we will be married at last.
She said it’s about time goddammit.
She clasped her hands and squeezed until her knuckles turned white.
She said oh Chance it will be wonderful.
She said we will enter different professions.
She said we will grow old together you and I.
I said if we enter different professions we will not get a chance to grow old together you and I.
I said this is because we will starve to death together you and I.
Betsy said the hell we will.
I said you seem pretty certain of yourself.
Betsy said you won’t chicken out?
I said I never chicken out.
Betsy gave me a long unblinking look.
She said so be it then.
She got up and marched purposefully out of the kitchen.
When she returned she handed me a sheet of stationery and a ball-point pen.
The pen advertised the Kellis J. Ammson Private Detective Agency.
Betsy’s hands were trembling.
She said well sweetheart here goes the old ball game.
She said what’s my name?
I said I just chickened out.
I said I’m not marrying no broad who got amnesia.
Betsy said print my name on that sheet of paper.
Now print the name of my street.
She said now turn the paper over and hold it to the light.
She said what do you see?
I said I see a whole bunch of upside-down letters.
Betsy said no no no.
She said turn the paper the other way.
She said now what do you see?
I said I see a whole bunch of backwards letters.
Betsy said read as though the letters aren’t backwards.
I did.
I could feel the blood drain from my face.
I dropped the sheet of paper.
It floated to the floor.
I got up and took a can of beer from the refrigerator.
I went into the living room.
The radio was playing “The Myrtle Culpepper Rhapsody.”
I sat on the couch.
There was deathly quiet in the kitchen.
In a few minutes Betsy came in.
She sat beside me.
Her eyes were red.
She said Chance believe me this isn’t as bad as it looks.
She said I wasn’t trying to make a fool of you.
I laughed wildly.
Betsy said I was afraid I was losing you to Candi Yakozi.
She said I had to do something.
I said that’s what the man said after he threw gasoline on the fire.
Betsy said I just wanted you to live with me.
She said I thought I could make you happy.
She said I hoped you might come to like it.
She buried her face in her hands.
She sobbed like a baby.
She said I’ve blown it.
She said &@#$%¢*!
I said stop crying and don’t say &@#$%¢*!
I said I’m not marrying no broad who is always crying and saying &@#$%¢*!
Betsy peeped at me from between her fingers.
She said you’ll still marry me?
I said I guess I better.
I said I got to get you off the market.
I said you pull one like this on some other guy and he will kill you in cold blood.
Betsy said I don’t want some other guy.
She said you’re the only guy I ever wanted.
I said who was that fake government sonofabitch?
Betsy frowned.
She said oh yes.
She said I forget his name now that you bring him to mind.
She said he was sort of expensive as I recall.
She said he was an unemployed TV actor or something.
She said I think he was a doctor in “Heartbreak Hospital” for a short time.
I said if I ever see him again he will be a patient in the Mayo Clinic for a long time.
I said I wonder which half I should send to Mayo.
I said all right let’s get at it.
I said when do you want to get married?
Betsy said right after we buy Wallace’s tavern.
I said I just chickened out again.
I said I’m not marrying no broad who gets hallucinations.
I said Wallace will never sell.
Betsy said honey I met with Wallace last night.
She said do
you want to see an option to buy?
I shrugged.
I said what do we use for money?
Betsy said a wedding gift from Kellis J. Ammson.
I said Ammson wouldn’t come up with a wedding gift for the bride of Frankenstein.
I said even if he was Frankenstein.
I said which is a distinct possibility.
Betsy said I met with Ammson last night too.
She said right after he got out of jail.
She said do you want to see a check?
I shrugged.
Betsy said he even let me keep the ball-point pen.
I said what does Ammson get out of this?
Betsy said absolutely nothing but your sworn statement that you will never practice as a private investigator within thirteen thousand miles of Chicago.
She said it must be written in blood of course.
I said oh certainly.
I said how else?
I said &@#$%¢*!
Betsy said stop saying &@#$%¢*!
She said it isn’t polite.
I said I am going to write a book about this.
I said it will be a mystery.
I said I will call it Nivlek Ysteb Who the Hell are You?
I said or maybe The DADA Caper.
Betsy giggled and dried her eyes.
She said will you employ a nom de plume?
I said no I intend to keep it as clean as possible.
I said but I will use somebody else’s name.
I said maybe I will call myself Ross H. Spencer.
I said he can’t write either.
Betsy shook her head.
She said it won’t work.
She said the average reader will solve it by page 80.
I said oh I don’t know about that.
I said it took me clear to page 184.
I said and I’m a detective.
Betsy said not any longer.
She said you are about to become a tavern proprietor.
Betsy was staring at me with those big pale blue eyes.
Like a kid stares at a new bicycle.
She looked small and helpless and beautiful.
I took her in my arms.
I kissed her.
From the bottom of my heart.
The phone rang.
Betsy said let it ring.
I said not on your life.
I said this is the end of the call girl trail.
Betsy said oh my God for once you didn’t say whore.
I grabbed the phone.
Candi Yakozi said is Betsy there?
I said no.
Candi Yakozi said oh goody goody.
I said I am here with Nivlek Ysteb.
The Dada Caper Page 10
