I waited a few more minutes in the hope I could escape to the hotel without running into any of them. But when I rounded the corner, Jared was still there, holding onto the chain-link fence and staring at the street.
He heard my footsteps and turned, face falling when he saw me. “Maddie…did you hear all that?”
“When you called me a mistake? Yeah, I heard it.” I’d wiped away my tears, but my eyes watered all over again. No, I would not cry in front of him. I refused.
He sighed. “I didn’t mean it like that. And what I said to Ray in there, that was all part of the act, you know that. We both agreed we had to do this.”
“But when will the act end?” I asked. “When the show is over? What about the tour? What if we win? When will I be good enough to not be a secret anymore?”
“It’s not like that! The show—”
“It’s always the show or the band or some other excuse! How am I supposed to believe anything you say? You had no problem lying to your brother and your best friend for weeks. As far as I know, everything you told me is a lie, too, and you just don’t want to give up your infamous player lifestyle!”
He stepped back, like I’d punched him in the chest. “Wow. I thought you saw the real me, but I guess I was wrong. I’ve been with no one else since I met you. No one!”
“So tell everyone right now that you lied, that you do care about me, that we do have something between us. Tell the whole world we’re together, and I’ll believe you.”
He was quiet for a moment and then said, “You know I can’t do that.”
“Then I have nothing else to say to you.” I started to walk away, but he moved to block my path, pleading with his eyes for me to listen.
“Maddie, you don’t understand. This band is my entire life. It’s all I have. If we fail, you and Kyle will go back to school and on to other things, and Hector has his graphic novels and his art. Me? I’m a fucking bartender. Oh, wait, I’m not even that anymore because I quit my job to come on the show. I put everything I have, everything I am, into this band. We have to win, or all of that is for nothing.”
“How can you say the band is all you have? Even if we lose the show, you’re talented, and you have money and connections. You have a brother who would do anything for you, you have a best friend who sticks beside you no matter what…and you have me. Isn’t that enough?”
“That’s not what I meant,” he said, tearing at his hair. “Music is the only thing I’ve ever been good at, and if I don’t succeed at that, I’ll have nothing, I’ll be nothing. I thought you, of all people, would understand that. And if I have to pretend I’m single and that I’ll sleep with every girl in the world to keep people voting for us, to keep them coming to our shows and buying our albums, then that’s what I’ll do.”
I did understand, on some level, because that same passion for music and that same drive to succeed urged me on, too. But Jared’s words made it clear that this would never stop. Not even when the show ended because there would always be something else: the tour, the album, future shows. As long as we were this band, with Jared’s “villain” image, we could never be together.
“I love you, Jared,” I said, my voice breaking. “But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend we’re just friends and sneak around and watch you flirt with other girls. I just can’t. And you’re wrong—people will buy our albums and come to our shows because they like our music, not because of your stupid reputation. But if this is what you think the band needs, then I’m done and this is over.” The words were torn from my chest, burning my throat on the way out, but I couldn’t stop them.
His mouth fell open, but he didn’t answer. I supposed his silence was my answer. I darted around him as the tears burst free. I couldn’t look at him, couldn’t be near him, couldn’t hear another word from his mouth. I’d bared my heart to him, and he had nothing to say in return.
“Maddie, wait!” he called. But it was too late, and I was already through the door. Because that’s what I always did when life got to be too much for me: I ran.
I dashed inside the theater, tearing past the roadies and other bands, heading for the exit so I could return to my hotel room and sob my heart out in private. But before I could get to the door, I bumped into Steve.
“Maddie, everything okay?” he asked.
I wiped at my eyes but couldn’t answer him. No, everything was very much not okay. I’d just lost everything, and I didn’t know what to do now.
“Let’s talk somewhere private.” He led me to his office, with a desk and a computer and a mountain of paperwork. I didn’t know what he wanted, but at least there was no one watching me here.
He sat in his desk chair and gestured for me to sit. “I saw the interview, and I heard the band had a big fight outside. If there’s a problem, I can try to help.”
I sank into one of the chairs. How could he help me? He couldn’t fix things with Jared or the band. God, how was I supposed to face any of the guys again after tonight? They’d already been talking about replacing me. I’d turned out to be exactly what Hector predicted, and even worse, I’d probably destroyed my friendship with Kyle in the process. And Jared…I couldn’t even think about Jared right now.
I dropped my head. “I just…I can’t do this anymore.”
“I completely understand. You’ve been through a lot. This can’t be easy for you.” He folded his hands on the table. “We don’t usually do this, but in light of everything that’s happened, maybe it would be a good idea for you to leave the show.” My eyes widened, and he quickly added, “I’m not saying we’re kicking you off or anything, don’t worry. Just that if you felt you had to leave, we wouldn’t stop you.”
Would they really let me leave? It was tempting, more tempting than I wanted to admit. Being on the show for weeks, trying to keep up a certain image while putting everything into the band and our performances, only to have it all fall apart tonight…. I was just exhausted. I wanted to go home and sleep for the rest of the summer.
“What about the contract? It says I have to stay for the duration of the show.”
“It has a provision that band members can leave in emergency situations. Say, if they’re injured or ill or if a family member passes away, things like that. This doesn’t technically qualify, but I’m willing to bend the rules a tiny bit. We don’t want you to be miserable, after all.”
“But what will happen to the band? Who will play guitar for them?” Even if the guys were mad at me, I didn’t want to screw them over.
“We’ll find someone to fill in for you, don’t worry.” He gave me a sympathetic smile. “Trust me, they’ll be fine. Let me handle everything. And if you change your mind and want to come back, that’s okay, too.”
I didn’t want to leave, but I couldn’t continue in the band either. That was clear after everything Jared and the other guys had said. Maybe the best option was for me to go home. Besides, it sounded like they would be okay without me. They could still win the show, and they could find a new bassist when they were ready, one who wouldn’t sleep with Jared and ruin everything.
I made my decision, and that night I packed my bags and left the hotel for good.
TWENTY-TWO
My apartment was empty when I returned, and the mail had piled up. Julie and Carla must both be out of town again. They’d probably told me at some point, but I’d been a terrible friend to them. We’d barely spoken more than a few words in weeks, and when we had, I’d lied to them.
I’d lost myself in the show, in Jared, in the impossible dream and the beautiful lie. No more. Rock Star Maddie had been a total failure. Time to return to Normal Maddie. I’d been a fool, thinking I could be anything more than that. I’d been perfectly happy with my life and my plans for the future until Jared had invited me to join his band and gotten me off-track. He’d tempted me to want a louder life, one where he and I could be together, but we’d been doomed from the start. That life was over, and now I remembered who I really was: the
geeky piano player who dated safe guys, practiced guitar in secret, and watched from the sidelines while others went after their dreams.
Maybe if I begged the LA Philharmonic, I could get my internship back for the rest of the summer. No, that would be impossible. But there were plenty of other things I could do until school started. I had enough laundry to last a lifetime. I could start applying to graduate schools. I could lie in bed all day and get really, really drunk.
Guess which one of those I did.
The less that’s said of the next few days, the better. I turned off my phone so I wouldn’t have to deal with the outside world at all. I raided our alcohol supply and forgot about personal hygiene entirely. I ate nothing but ramen and ice cream and watched a ton of Netflix.
In my darkest moments, I watched videos of us performing on the show and cried about how I’d never be on stage with the guys again. In my rush to leave the show, I’d left my guitar at Dan’s studio, not that it mattered since it was broken anyway. Besides, it held too many memories now. It would be a long time before I could touch a guitar again.
I tried to watch some of the interviews we’d done, but all I heard were our lies and all I saw was Jared’s fake stage smile. Even worse, someone had recorded the entire fight between the two of us with their phone and posted it online. One of the roadies, it had to be. I watched it over and over, alternating between regretting everything I’d said to Jared and getting angry at him all over again. This time I didn’t read the comments under the video though. I’d learned my lesson on that at least.
But the videos that hurt the most, and the ones I watched a thousand times, were the ones capturing behind-the-scenes moments of all of us. The guys joking around in rehearsal, being silly on our breaks, wrestling and grabbing each other for goofy man-hugs. That time when we’d switched instruments and I’d banged on Hector’s drums. Dan coaching me on my stage presence and my wardrobe.
And Jared—laughing at something Kyle had said or bent over his bass with a look of concentration or practicing the same lyric a hundred different ways to get it right. Those videos were the only ones that showed the genuine Jared, and I couldn’t stop torturing myself with them. I missed the way his true smile lit up his face, the way his real laugh burst out of him like it was a surprise every time. But I doubted I’d ever see that Jared again.
* * *
I heard one of the girls wheel her suitcase into the apartment, but I couldn’t get out of bed. What was the point? Besides, moving sounded like a lot of effort, and my head pounded like someone was kicking me in the skull over and over. Last night I’d discovered a secret stash of vodka in the kitchen and might have gone a little overboard. Not that it mattered, since I had nowhere to be anyway.
“Maddie?” Julie called.
“Here,” I replied. Ow, too loud, so much pain.
“Why are you here? Isn’t there a week of the show left?” Her voice got closer as she moved through the apartment. “Hey, since you’re home, I need you to try on your Harley Quinn costume so I can do the final adjustments. Comic-Con is only in two weeks. Can you believe it?”
I covered my face with a pillow and groaned. I couldn’t wear that costume now; it would only remind me of Jared. Not to mention, I was never getting out of bed again.
“Maddie?” She knocked on my door. “Can I come in?”
I gave a noise that sounded like “unngghh,” and she opened the door and sat beside me on the bed.
“Wow, you reek. Have you been drinking?”
I moaned under the pillow. “I’m never touching vodka ever again.”
“Hang on.” She left and returned a few minutes later with some water and pain meds. “Take these.”
I did as she said and then closed my eyes, leaning back against the headboard. Julie smelled faintly of vanilla, and her familiar scent gave me a small amount of comfort. She’d been my best friend since we were in eighth grade, but I’d barely seen her this summer. I missed hanging out with her. I even missed her getting on my case all the time.
“What’s going on?” she asked.
“Didn’t you see the show?”
“No, I was flying back from Seoul. What happened?”
Oh, right. She’d been visiting her grandparents. I should have remembered that. Further proof I was the worst friend ever.
I sighed. “It’s over. The show. The band. Jared. Everything.”
“What? Tell me.”
I spilled everything, and she listened without judging or interrupting, letting me vent and cry. When it was over and I’d let it all out, she wrapped me in a tight hug. “Maddie, I’m so sorry.”
“I ruined everything,” I said, grabbing a tissue and blowing my nose. “My place in the band, my friendship with Kyle, my relationship—or whatever it was—with Jared, and even things with you and Carla. I’ve ruined it all.”
“Okay, now you’re being silly. You definitely didn’t ruin your friendship with us. We’ll be friends forever, no matter where life takes us, so don’t worry about that. And I’m sure Kyle feels the same, too.”
“I guess.” I pulled my knees up and rested my head on them.
“Maddie, you know I love you, but when things get hard, you always run away. You ran from your mom and her drinking, you ran from Jared when he invited you to join the band, and now you’re running from this, too. Maybe it’s time to stop running and fight for what you want.”
“I don’t know what I want.”
“Don’t give me that. You know exactly what you want.” She stood up and moved to the door. “Think about it. I’m going to unpack, but I’m here if you need me. And take a shower. You’re disgusting.”
She closed the door behind her. I sat there, digesting her words, until my headache faded enough that I could move again. I took Julie’s advice and got in the shower, and the hot water slowly washed off the gloom of the last few days. My god, what was I doing? I’d turned into my mother, staying in bed all day, drowning my life in a bottle, and giving up guitar because a guy had broken my heart. That wasn’t me. I didn’t want to become her. My life didn’t have to be one big repeat of her mistakes.
What did I want? I wanted Jared, but I wasn’t sure I could ever have him the way I wanted. But even if we could never be together, I wanted to be part of the band again. I wanted to be myself again—my true self, the one I’d uncovered these past few weeks, who went after her dreams, who played guitar blindfolded, who fell off the stage and got back up again.
I wanted to fight.
TWENTY-THREE
It was Saturday, which meant the live show was in two days, and if I wanted to perform with the guys, I had to patch things up with them and learn the new songs as soon as possible. I found them rehearsing at Dan’s studio, but I couldn’t face them all yet. I texted Kyle and asked him to meet in the room where The Quiet Battles used to rehearse.
When he walked in, he immediately grabbed me in one of his bear hugs. “Maddie, I’m so glad you came back.”
“I’m sorry, Kyle,” I said into his shoulder, fighting back tears. “For lying, for sneaking around behind your back, for breaking my promise, for quitting the band, for being the worst friend ever. For everything.”
“It’s okay. Did you get my messages?”
“Yeah. Eventually.”
After I’d sobered up, I’d turned on my phone and found both texts and voicemails from Kyle, Hector, and Dan, all begging me to come back. There’d even been one from my mom, asking if I was okay. And four from Jared that I still couldn’t face. I’m not sure I’d ever be able to listen to those. But I’d checked all the others and had slowly come back to the world.
Kyle sighed. “I was really mad at first, at both of you, and I couldn’t believe you just left like that. But I don’t blame you for what happened, and I’m over it now. And since you left, Jared’s been a wreck. He spends every waking moment rehearsing this week’s songs, even long after Hector and I are done for the day. On those rare moments he does take a break
, he just listens to this one My Chemical Romance song over and over.”
I sucked in a breath. I knew exactly which song Kyle meant: the song Jared had sung to me before the audition, the one he still referenced all the time. “Is it ‘I’m Not Okay’?”
“That’s the one, and I swear if I hear it one more time I’ll shoot myself.” He tugged at the gauges in his ear, like he was annoyed.
The door opened and I froze, worried it was Jared, but instead Hector slammed into me. It was like being hugged by a mountain, squeezed between his hard chest and his muscular arms. “Maddie!”
Hector had never hugged me before, except when we’d been celebrating our on-stage victories, not like Kyle and Jared who gave their hugs freely. I held him for a minute, my eyes watering up again. It seemed like the guys had missed me as much as I’d missed them.
He finally let me go. “Thank god you’re back. I’ve been barely keeping this band together without you.”
“It’s true,” Kyle said.
I laughed at the idea of Hector, of all people, keeping them together. “You’re okay with me staying in the band?”
Hector grinned. “Hell yes. We need you.”
My shoulders slumped with relief. “I wasn’t sure after the other night…”
He groaned. “Jared said you heard all that. Listen, I didn’t mean I wanted to replace you. I just assumed you’d leave like Becca did.”
“And you were right.”
“Yeah, but you came back.”
Someone knocked on the door, and Kyle slipped out to talk to whoever it was, leaving me alone with Hector. Was Jared on the other side? I wasn’t sure I could deal with him yet.
“I’m really sorry about everything that happened,” I said.
“Don’t worry about it.” He grabbed a drumstick from the back of his pants and twirled it in his fingers. “You know, I wouldn’t be in this band if not for Jared.”
BANGED: Rock Stars, Bad Boys & Dirty Deeds Page 81
