by Mack Mama
FAMOUS IN MY MIND
Hook:
I’m Famous in my mind. If you tell me I’m not, you’re wasting your time….
I’m famous in my heart. I’m a keep on striving even though it gets hard….
Verse 1:
Never let my spirit’s sink, no matter what they think. I live for the fame, everybody knows my name…..
I’m rising to the top and I’m never gonna’ stop…….
(repeat hook)
Verse2:
Don’t criticize my work, I got what it takes….
My destiny is set, all I need is faith…..
I keep my head held high….
Till I reach the sky…..
(repeat hook)
Verse 3:
I’m a mega superstar, traveling ‘round the world….
Flying very far since a little girl….
My dreams my parachute, I land on my feet…
If you feel the way I feel, sing this song with me….
(repeat hook)
“I’M FAMOUS IN MY MIND. IF YOU TELL ME I’M NOT, YOUR WASTING YOUR TIME…
I’M FAMOUS IN MY HEART. I’M A KEEP ON STRIVING EVEN THOUGH IT GET’S HARD…
When she came back around to do her rounds, I had that song ready for her butt. After I finished singing to her, she got such a kick out of me that every time I saw her, wherever I was in the prison, she would tell me to sing that song for other officers. She couldn’t believe that I wrote that song just because she kept telling me I wasn’t a star. As long as I think it, believe it and feel it, I am “IT”. I am a Star! I encourage everybody to think that way about themselves, no matter what your circumstances are. That type of self-confidence is the only way to achieve success. The measure of success is happiness and being content in your life. That’s all I want. Oh!... And lot’s of MONEY! (*wink)
I used to go outside for my hour of recreation handcuffed, but that didn’t stop me from jogging and rapping simultaneously to build endurance and stamina when I performed. Everything I did was in preparation for my career. I had plenty of time to focus and think about my mistakes, I used all of my solitude to create and plan my future. Everything I said I was going to do once I regained my freedom, I am doing. That is an accomplishment in itself, and I must say I am very proud of myself.
When I came out of Segregation and returned to population, I was ready to go home. I had finally calmed down and had enough. I wanted out! My security level had gone down from a “four” to a “one” and I landed the best job on the compound. I worked off-grounds and was allowed to leave the facility without being hand cuffed. Along with a crew of three other women, I was selected to clean different off-ground sites like the local Fire Department or Camp grounds. The civilians treated us so nice, and I finally felt like I regained my respect. At no time did I feel like a lowly inmate. The C.O. I worked for Ms. Rushford, treated us like real employees. She was a sweetheart and the perks of the job were awesome (real food). I loved it when we went to the Camp Ground. They had a chef on grounds, and we had gourmet lunches. The work was hard but I enjoyed it. It gave me a sense of accomplishment. I would clean four cabins from top to bottom by myself. I would have never imagined working a job like that when I was home. I have always been a boss, and never would have had to clean toilets and scrub floors on my knees. Prison will humble you and make you grateful for the small things in life. I got paid $1.75 a day, which was nothing, but the rewards were great for me. I can clean a bathroom like nobody’s business. lol.
I used to tell my bunkies that I was going home to make it big, and I would perform my songs for them. I threw parties in my dorm and organized talent shows. I always knew how to make people feel good. Nothing makes me feel better than being the center of attention and doing my thing. I made sexy costumes and did my hair and makeup like I was really on stage. With my brush as my microphone, I would strut all over my room, while singing and rapping my heart out. I spent a lot of time working out and encouraging the women that I lived around to work out with me. I didn’t eat any of the junk food that they sold on commissary, nor did I eat red meat, so I survived off of canned food. I thank God that I was blessed my entire bid with money, plus I had all the necessities that I needed to do my time comfortably. I relied on my best friends, Poochie and Queenie, for my steady income. In addition, my grandmother would send me what she could. At that time, my girlfriend who I called Mafia, looked out for me so good that I was able to send my daughter five-hundred for Christmas in 2007. I was truly blessed. I always say when your good to folks, folks are good to you. My sister put all my clothes and belongings in storage and made sure she never missed a payment. I managed to come home to all my possessions, which is practically unheard of after doing a long bid. I am so grateful. My main goal was to keep my body sexy, so I would have the whole package. It’s so important for me to have the talent and the “look”. My image is so natural because I have always been a fly girl. I style myself and do my own hair and makeup, so I don’t have to rely on anyone to create my image. I am Mack Mama from the tip of my nose to the end of my toes. It’s pure mackiness. First and foremost, I am a business woman, so I treat myself as a brand. I promote Mack Mama the product.
My song Dance On was inspired by my sex- sells series, XXX rated mixtape. That is the erotic side of me, my mackalicious personality. It came about because I was too hard-core on my prior mixtapes. I sounded too angry and way too grimey on my underground mixtapes, and actually had guys beg me to lighten it up and spit some sexy lyrics. I thought about it and decided that they were right. I am sexy and pretty. I could easily pull off the XXX Rated thing, but I wasn’t going to talk about the regular, raunchy shit that Lil’ Kim was known to rap about. I ra[ about what a man has to do to and for me. Most guys like to call me a gold digger, but I prefer Mack Mama. I am a female P.I.M.P (Pay Interest on MY P***y) because I refuse to give up my most prized possession for free anymore; especially since I have the worst luck with men. I might as well get paid for the pain and suffering that comes with the relationship. If I sound bitter, I don’t mean to be that way. I’m just speaking from my past horror stories that I have shared with you. I guess that’s why I enjoy being with a woman. I have much better luck with the same sex. It’s as simple as that. Men always tell me they won’t hurt me, and I know that some of them mean well, but I am not ready to take that chance. I’d rather focus on my career and give myself through my music. My male fans love me and think that I’m a total freak because of my XXX Rated mix Cd.
Well the truth is, that is only my mackalicious persona. It lives inside of me, but by no means am I a raving nympho who wants to get laid and paid. I channeled my inner Madame for that entire Cd, and I wanted to have fun and represent all the exotic dancers who sell sex fantasies. Those ladies “get it”. To all the young girls- that includes my own daughter who will read my autobiography when she turns thirteen. Do not sell yourself cheap! So many girls are screwing around without protection, while unable to get a meal out of the guy. Not only are you risking your life, but no man will respect anything that’s not protected. He will go in raw and treat your body like a dumping ground. Leaving a baby, or a disease if he pleases. He certainly won’t treat you like a queen if you’re acting like a whore. I’m going to tell you like this, a man won’t give you anything if he already got it for free. Hold on to your prize and make him earn the privilege of making love to you. I have a six-month rule that will prove if he really likes you. If he will wait and spend his money, trying to get you, while treating you like his Queen, then he is the one. If he can’t wait tell him to SKATE! Or even better than that, virgins ROCK!!! (Velvet that is for you baby, make your mama proud. I want to live vicariously through you. Everything I did wrong, you can do right. I love you, baby.) AND YOU BETTER BE THIRTEEN IF YOU’RE READING THIS. OR ELSE!…
Chapter Twelve
WORK YA
I missed my daughter to the point where I was getting physically ill from thinking about her
so much. I wrote every mother and child halfway house in Connecticut, trying to get any one of them to accept me into their program. I wanted to be with her immediately, and I was sick and tired of prison it had been 3 ½ years and I was ready to go home. Velvet was also very anxious to see me. At the time, she was seven, and I had finally let her see her father. She was happy but wanted both of us back in her life, I knew that would never happen as a family unit, but I was determined to be cordial to her dad so she would be happy. Finally on September 12 2008 I was picked up by the Neon Mother and Child program. I was deliriously happy and couldn’t wait to see my daughter. I had a shrine of her pictures surrounding me the entire time I was incarcerated, and I had only seen her on six visits. I finally gave in and allowed my family to bring her to see me but she lived in Ohio, which was really too far for frequent visits. So, I was hyperventilating from anticipation the thought of finally holding my child again.
The halfway house was an apartment building that held six, two-bedroom apartments, with four girls in each apartment. I had my own room that I shared with my daughter, and there were two other ladies in the apartment with us. Compared to the cell that I had lived in for so long, it felt like a mansion. The funny thing was, there was only one other child in the building, and she was a baby so Velvet had no one to play with. I couldn’t understand why there were so many women sitting in jail, waiting for a mother-and- child program for the purpose of reuniting with their children. Yet, the program was full of women that didn’t even have kids. What a waste! The system never gets it right. Just like there is no program for people that suffer from money addiction like me. They have all types of drug programs that the court recognizes as alternatives to incarceration, but nothing for boosters, check writers, credit card fraud, or people that pick pockets. We have serious problems controlling our addiction, and we relapse and have triggers just like drug addicts and alcoholics. How else can you explain why we keep going to prison for the same thing and can’t stop chasing money? We ruin our lives by our destructive behavior and deserve the same sympathy from the courts as drug addicts. When I get into position to be heard, I swear I am going to fight for a Money Addiction program in every State in the U.S.
My daughter and I spent our days getting to know each other and enjoying each other’s company. It was a struggle at times for me to discipline her whenever she’d done wrong, because she thinks I am her home girl. (Because I’m so cool), however; when it’s time to listen, I demand my respect. I remember I had to teach her a lesson about loyalty. I had snuck a cell phone in my room. We weren’t allowed to have them in the halfway house, but I needed my phone (it was my office). The Internet on the touch-tone phones fascinated me, and I quickly adapted to the new technology. Well, one day my daughter saw me hiding the phone and realized that I shouldn’t have it. So being the Lil’ Mack that she is, she’d decided to use that against me when I reprimanded her about something. She actually said to me, “I’m going downstairs and tell them about your phone.” I was in shock. I was so mad at her, because that was wrong on so many levels. How you going to snitch on your own mama!? She had to get a quick lecture about loyalty. I made her realize that if she was to let her anger make her do something that could get me sent back to prison, she would regret it, but it would be too late. I later realized that by her seeing me hide that cell phone, I was inadvertently teaching her how to be sneaky. I regret that one, but as I always say, I’m a work in progress. One of the things I love about my daughter and my relationship is that I don’t sugar coat anything with her and she understands. She apologized and we discussed our loyalty to each other. Then we pinky-sweared that no matter how mad we got at each other, we would always have each other’s back.
I went through so much drama in that halfway house with the director of the program. She was a hater and didn’t like me. I wasn’t letting her talk to me any kind of way like the other girls did, and wasn’t intimidated by her in the least. I called her out for stealing our supplies and using the money for our groceries for her personal use. She had been doing it for years, and could have continued had she not picked me to mess with. When you do dirt you can’t act like your shit doesn’t stink. She started harassing me as soon as she seen who I really was. Most of the women who come to that program need the secondhand clothes that they provided, because they don’t have any real support from their families. She treated them like derelicts. I was from out of town, so she had no idea who I had in my corner. When my packages started coming every other day and my people started flooding me with money, she got real jealous. It was sad. Instead of being happy to see I had support from the outside, she began to pick at me. Everything was a problem. She claimed that I had too many clothes, too much jewelry, and too much money in my account. The last straw was that she tried to block my daughter from coming to stay with me; simply because I had gave temporary custody of her to my sister while I was incarcerated. I fought hard for my baby to get there and was determined to get the director off of my back. What better way than to expose her for the sneaky, illegal shit she was doing. One thing I’ve learned from going to prison is the pen is mightier than a sword. I used to write up any C.O. who messed with me, and she was no different. As long as you know the correct policy and procedure, while going through the proper chain of command, you will get favorable results (most of the time). She had no idea who she was messing with. As a result of writing her superiors, we had a meeting with all the important people in the Neon Organization. I had her so frazzled that she was actually screaming at me during the meeting. She made herself look so ignorant, while I spoke very eloquently and stated my points clearly and articulately. I was aiming to get her fired, but she managed to cover her tracks in regards to the stealing she was doing. What I got from that meeting was a new level of respect. The entire house knew I had went up against the director of the program and didn’t get sent back to prison. I actually exposed her pilfering ways and got away with it. That was a victory in itself. Needless to say, she left me alone. After that, I was able to go and come in peace. I didn’t want my daughter to feel like she was a prisoner, so one of my issues was being allowed to take her to the mall and the library at will. After that, we were out damn near every day. Most of the counselors there loved me, and I stop by and visit them until this day. I am legendary in that place. I am the only woman that went to bat against the powers that be and got results.
I will never forget that place because I met my angel in there. Kenya “Sparkles” Williams. Coincidently, we have the same last name, so I know it was meant for us to be in each other’s lives. She worked for a government funded program called ATR, which helps inmates with clothing and transportation funds to go job hunting. She would come to the house on a certain day of the week and hold group meetings and do intake on the new girls. When I first met Sparkles , I was fresh off the bus, suited in my gray jail sweatpants. I looked a hot mess, but I still had my New York swag. The girls told me that Kenya was giving out gift cards to go shopping for cosmetics and I wanted in on that. She was so nice to me. When I told her that I was a rapper from New York, that piqued her interest. I wanted to impress her, so I started rapping. Then I gave her my myspace info, so that she could check me out and see that I was official. Thanks to my friend Ndy, I had a myspace page while I was incarcerated. He would pretend he was me, while keeping my music and pictures popping on there. I love him for that. I also love him for bringing my daughter up to see me whenever she came to New York.
Kenya was the flyest person I had seen since I’ve been in Connecticut and I wanted her on my team. I knew that I had stay in Connecticut, since I had a year left on parole. I would need someone who knew the town and could assist me in finding a crib. That way, I could get out of the halfway house. She was a blessing from God. She asked me what I needed and I told her a flat iron. All I wanted was to do my hair nice for my visit. The next day, she brought me two bags full of cosmetics and hair products, along with a nice flat iron. I was impressed that she sp
ent her own money to purchase the stuff. She was a class act. She didn’t know me from Adam, but went all out for me. I was so grateful. It’s hard to find people with that type of giving spirit nowadays, and that is how I am, so I hold on to good finds like that. She became my best friend. She eventually gave up her job when the hating director of the program gave her an ultimatum. She submitted the forms to visit me on her off days, but she was told it was a conflict of interest, so she quit that job. To this day, I think that was the kindest thing someone has ever done for me. Of course, she had other sources of income, but to give up her job just so she could visit me, and make sure I was straight was deep. She made a good investment because I give her my all. She will be straight for as long as I am breathing. Loyalty! I say no more.
She hooked me up with a cute, three-bedroom apartment in her building when it was time for me to leave, so I didn’t have to go through the hassle of looking for a place. Everything just fell into my lap. Queenie sent me a beautiful living room, dining room and bedroom set; therefore, I was straight on the furniture. The day I came home, Sparkles surprised me by arranging all my furniture. She also filled my refrigerator and cabinets with food for me and Velvet. She is a jewel that’s why I call her Sparkles. Those are the types of people I have in my life. I don’t have many friends, but the few that I have are life long and loyal.
I have developed into an antisocial person from being in prison so long. I have a distrust of women due to the jealousy and cattiness I was surrounded by in prison. Those experiences made me look at females in a different light. I never understood why women act like that at times. I compare my mentality to that of a male, because I can’t identify with how the average female thinks. When I see a woman looking nice, I compliment the sister. When I see a lady doing her thing, I salute her for it. I have never been an envious person. If women stopped hating on each other, and used that energy to uplift each other, we would be unstoppable. Look at the state of the females in the Industry. It has been the same names for decades. Why is that? That is because females who are in position to bring other talented sisters in the door just don’t do it. When, I get into a power position, I will make sure that I see my dream of an all-female rap group come to fruition. I want us to be like a female Wutang, but we’ll be reppin’ O.B.G.’s. If I have my way, at least twenty, talented ladies will breathe some much needed estrogen in the music industry. For now, I’m happy that Nicki Minaj is bringing the female emcee back (when she is not a pop singer), I wanted to be the first, but she beat me to it. I’m not mad. I salute her success. She has a different following than I do. Like she said, she’s for the “Youth dem” (in her Trinidadian accent). I am more for the grown and sexy audience, but that’s good, because we need diversity in the game. So many people hate on that girl, but I personally knew that she would blow up. She has the whole package and, without a doubt, she is the future of hip-hop. I paid a tribute to her by making a mix cd called “Mack-N- Minaj”. I figured that two five-star chicks on one Cd would be great, plus it would introduce me to her fan base. I used her underground music (before she switched up her style) combined with my hard-core, underground songs. I love when she spit the songs that I can relate to, because I am definitely not a Barbie. I have certain songs where I am expressive, but I’m more sexy than animated on a track. However, homegirl is talented, and I love watching her. She’s very entertaining. I would love to work with her and do a song together. That would be sexy. People say that she stole Lil’ Kim’s style, but I think she took it and made it better. Besides, Lil’ Kim wasn’t using it anymore. No one gets mad at the pop stars that wear bleached, blonde hair and imitate Marilyn Monroe. It’s typical for females in the industry to go at each other, and I only hope that when I enter the game, nobody comes at me, because I want peace. I did all of my dirt in the streets and paid my dues. I damn sure don’t want to get in the game and beef with individuals, because I know how Mack Murder can get and she is a beast! If someone messes with Mack Mama she will be very upset. I am putting it out there now. I want to do collaborations’s with Nicki Minaj, Eve, Trina, Shawna, Missy, and my all-time favorite emcee Dabrat. I also have my own all-female group called O.B.G’s which consists of Lace Stonze and Bliss Boogie a.k.a Malorie Knox. We are definitely coming! I live for female emcees, and I would rather join forces than divide and conquer.
