by Misty Simon
Bella laughed her big, loud laugh, then hugged me to her. “It’s going to be okay. I promise it’s going to be okay.”
Which led me back to tears.
She sighed, started the car, and released the brake for real this time. “I’ll call Ben and tell him we have about a twenty-minute delay, but you have to get yourself under control or he’ll wonder what the hell is going on.”
“Okay.” I sniffed a few times, then took some deep breaths. “I’m ready.”
“You’re sure?”
I gave a watery smile. “Yeah, I’m sure. And Bella?” I touched her arm and she looked over at me for a second. “Thank you for everything.”
“Are you kidding? I’ve never had a better year in my life. Plus, you can go through this pregnant thing first and tell me all about it so I can be prepared. I think I’m the lucky one.”
We cleared a break with Ben so he wouldn’t be out looking for us, then hightailed it to a store in the next town over. We were both well known enough that the news of a purchased pregnancy test would be all over town before the two-minute wait was up. I still sent Bella into the store, since she was the one with the ring on her left hand.
She ran back out to the car with a little white bag that could hold my whole future in it.
We had decided to go do the test at Bella’s since we might actually be left alone there. And I certainly wanted to be left alone when I had to pee on some stick and wait for it to have one line or two.
Why did I have the feeling this was going to be the longest five minutes of my life?
Once we parked in her driveway, we hopped out, then ducked into the house. She’d made some changes to accommodate a man living there, but it was still very much Bella’s house.
“You know where the bathroom is,” she said, heading into the kitchen. “I’ll get some hot chocolate started for us.”
“Okay.” But it wasn’t really. What if I couldn’t pee? What if it wasn’t enough? What if I peed too much? What if I stopped doubting myself and did this fricking thing before I drove myself crazy?
I won’t go through the whole procedure, since yuck! But suffice it to say I did get the pee in the right place. I capped the little gizmo, then went out in search of Bella. I so would not be able to spend those two minutes by myself.
As I opened the door leading into the hallway, I heard a scream that made my hair stand on end.
I ran into the kitchen as fast as my legs could carry me, yelling all the way. I rounded the corner a little too fast and nearly took off my own head with the overhead cabinets Bella had installed.
When I righted myself and looked into the kitchen, it was to see my pear-shaped nemesis, Jackie Sturder, with her blonde hair a huge rat’s nest and her makeup so smeared she looked like a clown on a bender. She smelled like she’d been on a bender, too. I would have laughed at her complete and utter dishevelment, but it wasn’t very funny when she had a knife stuck under Bella’s chin.
“Oh, my God.”
Jackie turned toward me, looking possessed, and I stumbled back a step.
More than any other time in my life I felt like I might die right now. She had Bella at knifepoint, me paralyzed, and I swear my life flashed before my eyes.
My child would never be born, I wouldn’t be able to raise the little being growing inside me, would never know the joy of being married and fully sharing my life with Ben. I wouldn’t wake up next to him for the next forty or fifty years and bask in the day he had less hair on his head than he had in his ears. We wouldn’t have a golden anniversary. I wouldn’t find out what the hell my dad was up to, or if Bella would end up with a child the same age as mine.
I wouldn’t know if that damn test had one line or two.
I gave a kamikaze yell and went after Jackie like I had never gone after anyone in my life. Normally, I was backing away at this point, trying to deflect the attention from me to keep them talking long enough so help could arrive. But this time it was all up to me. No one was going to come to my rescue. I had no backup plan, and Bella was being held at knife point. This, in case you were wondering, was not acceptable.
So I body-slammed Jackie into the counter behind her, making sure to knock the knife out of her hand as I made contact. We went down in a tumble of arms and legs, punching and kicking and biting.
I tried my best to keep my stomach protected, but I needn’t have worried, as she kept going for my eyes, screaming about bitches and how every single one of her plans had gone totally wrong because of me.
But I guess I had more to lose, because I never let up. I never let go. I would win this by sheer will power, and by the sheer power of my size.
I took a hunk of that shellacked hair and yanked for all I was worth. There was a popping noise and all of a sudden her hair was in my hands. I went stock still for a brief second because who knew Jackie had extensions to fill out her obviously thinning hair?
She sobbed once, making another grab for me, but I sat on her chest hard, pinning her legs with my hands and covering her face with my biggie-sized thighs. She wasn’t going anywhere.
And Bella confirmed this when she dragged a huge sack of dog food over and dropped it on Jackie’s stomach.
“I didn’t know you had a dog,” I said, huffing and puffing from the exertion of keeping the wily Jackie pinned to the floor.
“We don’t. Jared wants one and keeps buying food, hoping I’ll finally give in.”
I laughed despite everything going on, and it felt good. “I think he should get that dog.”
“Do you think if I start buying baby food I’ll get my baby?” She laughed, too, as Jackie struggled under us and the fifty pounds of kibble.
I sobered. “Do you have anything to tie her up with? I think we should call someone to come pick her up.” I cocked an eyebrow. “Of course we can wait a few moments while I find out what the hell she was thinking and what she was babbling about.”
It took five minutes to set up everything the way I wanted. I had decided this was the absolute last time I would be solving a murder, especially if I had a bun in the proverbial oven.
And I did: two lines equaled baby!
I would not let a child of mine grow up without a mother if I could help it. I had turned out okay without mine, but there were times I could have done better if my mom had been able to beat that cancer.
So since this was my last interrogation, I was doing it right. Bring out the rubber hose!
I had cuffed Jackie to a kitchen chair along with tying her hands with some rope. Bella had not wanted the taint on her handcuffs from the bedroom, but I wasn’t sure if simple rope would hold this barracuda.
I also had Bella bring in a big gooseneck lamp I had seen in her study. I pointed it right into Jackie’s eyes, then flicked the switch on. She yowled like a cat. Music to my ears.
“Now what in the living hell were you talking about?” I said to her, choosing another chair and stationing myself in front of the woman who had created such havoc. “And where on earth did you get a slut-o-licious T-shirt?”
It didn’t seem possible, but she actually preened for a moment. “You liked that? Well, I bought the appliqué letters down at the craft store and made that little jewel myself. As for what I was talking about, you’re not getting anything out of me, you donkey’s ass.”
“No need to be redundant.” When she gave me a blank look, I let it pass. “What I meant was now’s your time to shine. Get it all out of your size-extra-large mouth. You won’t have such an understanding crowd when the police get here. This is just between us girls, so spill.”
Really, she had gone around the bend if she thought that was true, but apparently she did. Either that or the alcohol she’d consumed had soaked her brain.
“I’ve been in on every single stupid case you think you’ve solved, bitch.”
I couldn’t have been more shocked if she’d grown a second and third head. And her gleeful smile was more frightening than anything I’d ever seen. Even the pr
ospect of seeing Mr. Hanks in one of his Speedos wouldn’t top it.
She was still talking, so I forced myself to listen.
“I helped Kitty set up the whole poison thing when you first got here. Kitty should have gotten that shop, and in turn I would have been able to take possession of it when she died, too. But, no, your fat ass had to come waltzing into town like some disease, upsetting everything.” She blew breath up toward her bangs, but they didn’t move at all. “When Kitty mentioned you shouldn’t be here, I made some suggestions. We settled on poison, because it meant Kitty did not have to get her stupid hands dirty. And then the dance was here, and we poisoned that champagne.”
Hearing it all laid out like that made my stomach hurt, but she wasn’t done. Obviously, since she had four other murders to explain.
Her eyes took on a sly cast. “I knew it was Janice even if Kitty didn’t. I wanted her gone, too. And that gave me a taste of what I could do. I laughed my butt off when you had no idea you hadn’t gotten all the people involved.” She jerked away from the chair, but my knots weren’t going to give, no matter what, and Bella’s handcuffs weren’t only made for pleasure. I’d made sure of both methods. Jackie continued after a huff.
“And then there was Chrissie, that stupid adult toy party cow, and her precious, philandering sugar daddy. I encouraged her to take out her underling Tarrin, at her own stupid dildo party, to prove she really loved Tarrin’s fiancé Chad, when in fact he was going to get rid of both the sluts to be with me. Then you ruined that, too, despite the fact that you are also a stupid cow. You got lucky when he talked to you, making Chrissie have a freak attack big enough to force her to go after you. That’s when I knew I had to be careful.”
Her smirk made me want to do bodily damage to her. “As for Horace, I bet you didn’t know I had been having some sport with the trumpet player. I was the one who was supposed to get the account books, and Horace was going to leave his bitch of a wife, Doris, for me. I thought you had seen us that day at the bank, but you didn’t know who I was because I had disguised myself. I told Horace not to try to kill you, but he couldn’t resist the idea like I have all this past year.”
Well, there went two of the murders, but what on earth had she had on Bella’s ex-husband? I didn’t have long to wait to find out. I did, however, put a restraining hand on Bella’s arm. No matter what Jackie said, Bella was not going to like it.
Jackie chuckled. “Come on, Bella, don’t look so glum. You lost Jackson years ago. You didn’t even really try to keep him. I could have shown you some of my tricks, but you were always too snooty to talk to me.” Jackie harrumphed, then turned her attention to me. “So when Bella’s ex-husband came back into town, I told him about Trevor’s money from those ridiculous bodice rippers and how we could get it, but the doofus botched the whole thing.” She looked back at Bella speculatively. “Maybe you were smart to get rid of the big dolt. He was useless anyway.”
Bella shook my hand off her arm, raising that same arm with her palm open. A slap might have sounded and felt satisfying, but I didn’t want Bella to get in trouble. I took her hand in mine this time, shaking my head at her. “Not worth it. We’ll get her, no worries.”
Apparently, Jackie found my words hilarious, since she started guffawing. “Still such a stupid cow.”
I almost raised my hand myself. It irked the hell out of me when people likened me to a bovine.
“Oh, stop, Ivy. You aren’t going to hit me. How would you explain it? You won’t get away with this, you know, because it will be my word against yours, and you can’t prove any of it. And you’ve never been smart enough to actually catch me.”
Um, nutso express? Pickup on lane four. But what she said made a funky kind of sense. She had been involved in every single death over the past year. What I really didn’t get then was how she had so many men thinking she was worth killing for.
Ask and ye shall receive. Just be careful what you ask for.
“Oh, you can’t even imagine the things I can do with my mouth and body. Three hours going down on a guy will make them cry hallelujah and do anything your little heart desires.”
Three hours? Three hours! What in the hell could you do for such a long time down there? Not that I really wanted to know, and I certainly wasn’t going to ask the Vacuum Girl. I choked, then snorted and laughed at the same time. Until I heard a car pull up outside and remembered I had left the pregnancy test in a plastic bag on the table after making a quick check on the results. Ben came crashing through the door and ran for me before I could run for it.
Oh, crap.
He skidded to a halt in front of me before I could explain. He looked at the test and the way my hand covered the end, then he looked at me. “Yours?” he asked with a grin already spreading on his face.
“Yes?” Damn lilt at the end of the sentence.
He whooped for joy, then plucked me right off the floor. Jackie started snarling in the back of her throat, and just then Jared made his entrance. I wondered about that part of the story, and why she would have killed Aaron, but those answers could wait for another moment or two while I snuggled into my baby-daddy.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Because it was tradition, and this was the last time I would solve a crime, Bella made breakfast for us all, with Jerry manning the stove next to her. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, was there.
We had to spread out throughout the house to accommodate the whole crowd. And when Ben suggested I stay in bed so as not to hurt the baby, I nearly threw him out of the bedroom. I was not going to be a happy camper if he mother-henned me for the next seven and a half months.
I mingled and mixed, then cornered Debbie and made her answer some very pointed questions.
She answered them straight out for once instead of trying to be all vague and mysterious. “Your girl Jackie had this idea to steal Jerry’s cheesecake recipe so she could win the bake-off. Apparently someone from the Food Network was supposed to be there, and she must have sniffed too many hairspray fumes and thought if she could win with her cheesecake she would get signed on for a show. It didn’t help that Aaron had been seeing her along with the mistress and the fiancée. He’d been trying to get her to loan him money to pay off the debts he’d incurred, thinking he had money coming from the uncle. She took Jerry’s recipes and set them and Aaron on fire after she had already strangled the poor guy. Not that he was completely blameless.” She rolled her eyes but then snuggled into Charlie as he put his arm around her.
“No, it seems our Aaron had three women on the side, as well as a scam or two up his sleeve,” Debbie continued. “He was trying to get old people to invest in this restaurant he was setting up, and I guess he began working for Jerry because he wanted all the recipes Jerry had. Oh, and Jackie used her old key to get into Charlie’s house, where she stole the new shop key. Knocking him out that day served no purpose other than to amuse her. Her beef with Jared? He didn’t think she was worth a three-hour knob polishing.” Debbie grinned a sharky grin. “By the way, she looks very nice in orange—and the black and blue I accidentally gave her.”
Her whole plan was diabolical. And it would have worked, too, except for this meddling kid. I always wanted to say that.
Everyone made merry and had a great time at breakfast. I choked down as much food as I possibly could, since I was now eating for two.
My dad was initially shocked, and then a little disappointed in me, when he found out I was having a child “out of wedlock.” Puh-lease, as Bella liked to say.
But then Ben pulled Stan aside and had a whispered conversation where my dad’s smile grew and grew.
I had a feeling Ben was going to be proposing at any moment.
And then he did, in front of everyone in the house. He got down on one knee and pulled out the velvet box I had dreamed of last night. When he popped it open and popped the question, “Will you?” I was going to play coy. But for one thing, the damn ring caught the light and nearly blinded me with its bril
liance. And for the other thing, I had no desire to say no.
He slipped the ring on my hand. Where I thought I would have felt the weight of responsibility, instead I felt the lightness of knowing I was loved, rolls and quirks and all. I jumped up and hugged him, knocking him to the floor in a classic Ivy move.
We were so having sex after I got rid of everyone.
But apparently that wouldn’t be anytime soon. Ben had another announcement, one I hadn’t been prepared for in the least.
“If I could have all of y’all’s attention.”
I snickered to myself. His country was showing.
But then I wasn’t laughing anymore, because everyone was crammed into the living room—Debbie and Charlie, Bella and Jared, Dad and Martha, Jennifer, Jerry, even Thelma Boden had snuck in at some point.
I felt mashed in the small space but was too happy to care.
“If everyone would follow me outside, I have a surprise for Ivy now that she’s finally agreed to be my wife and make an honest man of me.”
I nudged him with my elbow, then giggled when all the air left his lungs. Score for me.
All our guests trooped out in front of us. I pulled Ben aside to kiss him. “Now tell me what the surprise is before we go outside. You know how I hate to be surprised.”
“Oh, no. You aren’t ruining this one.” He gave me a little shove. “I’ll be right along behind you.”
With those words he gave me another shove and suddenly I was out in the backyard, amidst a throng of people and a ton of twinkling fairy lights. Every tree we had, from the smallest to the tallest, was decorated with the lights and draped with soft white tulle material. A tied bow on the trunk of each tree carried a clutch of red, red roses, enough that they scented the entire area.
I basked in the wonder of it all, hugging my green sweater to my stomach and wondering what in the world my surprise could be, other than the thought of cleaning up this mess after whatever it was had ended. And that was when I saw the man standing down at the end of the yard.
