My effort to blend in with the other cars that are loading and unloading fails once again and the mean fat guy furiously taps his flashlight on my window to tell me to leave. Pulling back into the fray, I once again get lost in my thoughts.
Shortly after Kelly died, I was helping Craig pack up a few of her personal belongings. Don’t EVEN get me started on how heart-wrenching it is to decide which one of your dead best friends belongings get packed up to decay in the attic, get to remain in plain sight, or get donated to Goodwill. There are no words. Anyway, it was during this task that Craig broke down and told me the demands of his job required him to increase Kendall’s hours in daycare. I had to figure something out! There was NO WAY in hell Kelly would’ve had her daughter in daycare all day when she was alive, so there was NO WAY in hell I was going to allow her to be in it all day now that she was dead! So, I worked out an arrangement with Craig where two days a week he’d pick up Kendall at two-fifteen and three days a week I’d pick her up at two-fifteen and keep her until Craig was done with work. I admit, with the workload at the yoga studios, some days it’s a challenge and most days I’m exhausted. But I wouldn’t give up my time with Kendall for anything in the world, and I can’t think of a single person who would ask me to.
It’s only been a few weeks since I said goodbye to my therapist, Dr. Maria, but I already miss her so much. What a weird way to end our time together, with an audio tape of the frantic message I left her after having phone sex with Leo. The thought sends shivers up my spine, and I shake off the mortification of the whole thing by turning the radio louder. I don’t have one second to be sad, embarrassed, or beat myself up, because right now I’m circling the arrival terminal at Oakland International airport looking for Leo and I want to look and feel my very best. He’s been going back and forth from New York since we got back together to tie up some loose ends at work and pack up the apartment that he used to share with his best friend Taddeo. When Leo told him he was moving in with me, I think the words Leo told me he muttered were “fucking idiot.” I’m sure it was worse than that, but since I don’t have the ability to hack into any of his communication devices anymore, I’ll have to take his word for it.
In anticipation of the rush of my Leo drug, I twist the pewter Banana Republic ring that he bought for me in Mill Valley - that I gave back to him in Monterey - that he gave back to me in front of my cottage last month. He told me I can only take it off when he buys me the “real deal.” Not believing I’ll ever need more than I have with him right now, I can’t help but wonder…what does that mean exactly? It’s definitely a thought “old Chrissy” would obsess over. But “new Chrissy” is too satisfied, too busy, too focused on the here-and-now to be consumed with things she can’t control. Besides, when I was trying to control my life, it always got in my way of really living it. From all that I learned from Dr. Maria, Kelly and my own experiences; I plan on living the shit out of my life, and I plan on doing it with the man who just grabbed his luggage off of the conveyer belt and is walking toward my car. With every step, I feel my Leo drug slowly seep in and melt my heart.
Finally
April, 2001
“Baby, over here!”
Forgetting for a minute that I’m in Oakland and there are about twenty people in a five foot radius that would have zero problem jacking my car, motor still running, I jump out of it and attack Leo’s face.
“I missed you so much!”
“Not as much as I’ve missed you.” Pointing to the rolling cart behind him, “Is that cottage of yours prepared to handle this last load?”
Clinging to him tightly, I whisper, “You mean…that cottage of ours.”
After getting my final ear-full from the fat ass wanna-be police officer traffic guy for taking too long to load the car up, we set off for what I hope is a never-ending sex filled night. You see, Leo and I haven’t “been together” since we got back together last month. Crazy as it sounds for two people who used to maul each other, but it’s the truth.
Last month when he showed up on my doorstep and asked me if I was finally ready to be afraid with him, we spent the entire evening talking about, and being sorry for (that would be me) everything that went wrong between us. I’m not sure if it was exhaustion from anticipating his arrival or exhaustion from the last three years of my life that caught up to me, but I fell asleep in his arms on the couch and didn’t even wake up when he left for his early flight back to New York the next day. We never even made it to the bedroom. I woke in the morning to a bunch of wild flowers he picked from the creek below my cottage and a sweet note on the coffee table that said…
“Have to wrap things up in NY. Until I get back home, dream about me.”
Truthfully, if it weren’t for the note, I would’ve thought everything about that night was a dream. Leo was back in my life and I could hardly believe it! Like a modern day Snow White, I cheerfully spent the next few weeks preparing the cottage for his impending move-in day. I cleared everything out of my medicine cabinet that contained the words: wrinkle, itch, zit, rash, and flare up. I disposed of all of my big ol’ period panties, hid my super absorbent tampons and heavy flow maxi pads, and promptly started receiving depo provera injections. Now that sex is on the horizon, I’ve got to protect myself and Lord knows I drink way too much alcohol to be trusted to take a pill every day. No babies, not yet, no thank you. It’s time for me to have some long overdue fun, not change diapers!
Seven days ago when Leo returned from New York with his first load of items to move into the cottage, you can bet your sweet ass I had huge plans for him to see my sweet ass. I was NOT going to fall asleep this time! And I didn’t, and not because I was having constant sex, it was because I had Kendall’s sweet little ass with me. It wasn’t the plan, but Craig had a last minute business trip and his folks weren’t able to help him out. That meant Chrissy, or as Kendall calls me, Ki-Ki, to the rescue. Kendall would be with me for Leo’s entire two-day visit before he had to go back to New York one final time. Suffice it to say, my big plans to handcuff Leo to the bed and do things to him he had better hope to all that’s Holy no woman ever did to him in New York, were squashed.
Kendall was apprehensive about Leo at first. And being a man of few words, he didn’t do much to convince her not to be. The ride from the airport back to my cottage that day was about as odd as odd could be. Just me…driving along in silence with my dead friend’s three-year-old daughter and the twenty-five-year-old guy I’d barely seen in the last year and eight months and just reunited with. AWKWARD! Leo wasn’t trying to be rude on that drive home. In fact, I think it was just as weird for him to be around Kendall as it was for Kendall to be around a big strange guy. You see, this was the first time Leo ever met anyone associated with my old Freakmont days. Not that he doubted it for a minute, but Kendall was the proof that I did have a best friend who died, that my best friend does have a husband who is still horribly grieving, and that her husband has a best friend who happens to be my ex-husband. No shit it was a quiet drive.
And the quiet continued once we got to the cottage. Just as I was about to suggest to Leo it might be best for him to stay at a hotel, he tenderly opened up his carry-on bag and started playing with a bunch of shitty airport gift shop toys. Kid gold! Kendall’s eyes lit up at the mountain of florescent plastic crap that Leo so obviously bought when he got my call about her being with me -just minutes before boarding his plane. I watched from the kitchen as Kendall slowly walked over to the pile. When she got there, Leo said, “My favorite color is blue, what’s yours?” Within an hour, the two of them were on the back deck overlooking the roaring creek with flashlights in hand, hunting for snipes. By the time I tucked Kendall into bed, she made me promise that “Weo” would hunt for the imaginary creatures again with her tomorrow.
That weekend, Leo and I agreed it would be in poor taste to sleep together with Kendall under the same roof, and it was torture watching him play with her, knowing the entire time he wouldn’t be able to play
with me. While he slept on my super pretty, but annoyingly uncomfortable wicker couch, I curled up next to Kendall in my bed and forced myself to forget about the man on the other side of the wall. But you know what? Despite being celibate for more days than I care to count, the three of us had a fantastic time that weekend. We went boating at the Lafayette reservoir, we ate dinner at one of those cook-at-your-table Japanese restaurants that ALL kids love, and, of course, we hunted for snipes. There’s nothing that could’ve made those forty-eight hours any better. Well, maybe one thing, and with Kendall sleeping at her own house tonight, I’m ready to collect.
Knowing tonight was finally going to be the end of my celibacy tour; I wanted everything to be perfect. I waxed nearly every square inch of my body and spent a hundred and seventy-five bucks on lingerie that barely weighs an ounce. Seriously, there’s no point to it other than “Hey look at me, going to all these extremes to turn you on.” I scrubbed every inch of my cottage and my body, set up candles anywhere there was space, and prepared a dinner for us that hopefully wouldn’t come back to haunt me later while trying to bust a compromising move in bed (like in the form of a Chinese-firecracker-type fart). Before I left for the airport to pick up Leo, I put on my lingerie, my cutest jeans, my sexiest shoes, sprayed on the same Carolina Herrera perfume I had on the night we met at Buckley’s, and then I eagerly hit the road. And now, here we are!
Pretending to listen to Leo talk about the new job he’s about to take at Robertson Stephens in San Francisco while he drives my luggage-packed car back to the cottage, I can only hear my own thoughts and they’re saying the same thing over and over again. One year and eight months after the love of my life slammed the door on my face, I’m finally gonna get laid!
May I kiss you
May I kiss you there
Please don't move
It feels so good to me
So beautiful you are…
So beautiful
(Beautiful/Me’Shell Ndegeocello)
Glowing
April, 2001
“Wait outside until I call you in.”
His face is screaming, “Dear God, please don’t tell me you have a husband to hide,” but he’d never say it out loud. He’ll do anything to forget about the fact that I used to have one of those things.
After a kiss that reassures me I’m about to get pounced on, I scurry inside the cottage to light the three thousand candles I set up a few hours ago. Then, hurriedly picking my thong out of my butt while simultaneously applying lip gloss, I give the place one final look-over. Satisfied that everything’s exactly how I envisioned it would be, I yell, “OKAY, LEO! YOU CAN COME IN NOW!”
Not knowing what to expect, he cautiously peeks his head inside. As his whole body enters the shimmering retreat I spent hours constructing, I can visibly see the strain of the last three years of his life (courtesy of me) melt away from his body.
“Wow, Chrissy. This is…incredible.”
And then out of nowhere, nerves hit me. He hasn’t seen my naked body in almost two years! Granted, it’s undergone extensive yoga remodeling, but still…what if it’s not as great as he remembers it to be? Maybe I should’ve consulted with Slutty Co-worker about my plans for tonight. You know…gotten some sex advice, some new moves…something. Hmmmmm, I vaguely remember her talking about sucking on a couple of altoids while giving a guy a blow job, and she said he really liked it…or were they tic-tac’s? I wonder if it matters! Jesus, should Leo wear a condom? I mean, I’m not worried about getting pregnant because I got that depo provera shot the minute we got back together, but do we need to have some kind of “talk” about the sexual relationships we might have had between ours and now? Obviously, I’ve had none, so he’s definitely not going to catch anything from me. But, what if he has? Aw, who am I kidding? My nerves aren’t about getting gonorrhea, Leo always plays it safe. I’m anxious that maybe he screwed around when I didn’t! Dammit, I knew I should’ve forced myself to sleep with that tatted up defense attorney, Mark Wisely, or that Cal Berkeley Quarterback (whose name I totally can’t remember) so I’d have something in my back pocket. I mean, if Leo’s been with other women, I’m going to have to lie about being with other guys! Welp, so much for my vow to be totally and completely honest. But I have no choice! He can’t have the sex leg-up on me, can he? Would I be okay with that? HELLS NO! Son of a bitch, I don’t think I can be with Leo if he’s been with someone else. It’s not in my DNA!
“Baby, you okay?”
But I really, really, really need to have sex, and I need to have it with him. Aside from death and yoga, it’s all I’ve thought about for almost two years. The last time we were together was in this very cottage, and it was as sensual as the first time we were together at his rundown apartment in Moraga. Every time I had sex with Leo it was sensual. But it won’t be sensual with him anymore if I know he’s been with another woman. That mental block will get in the way of any pleasure I’ll ever be able to feel with him. Yep, it’s official. We’re through.
“Chrissy, talk to me. What’s going on in your head?”
“Wine! Want some? I feel like I need a glass.” Or four.
Reaching into the drawer that houses the bottle opener, visions of the night I brought Leo home from The Round Up flash through my mind. Well, the good ones before Kurt started pounding on the door, anyway. I want to feel like I did that night again. But, it’ll never happen if I know he’s face-planted another girl against her kitchen wall and seduced the shit out of her. I NEED WINE, NOW!
“Chrissy, please come back over here. This is the first time we’ve been alone in a long time. I just wanna sit with you for a minute and enjoy that this is really happening.”
Carrying our glasses to the couch and sucking mine entirely down on the way, I settle in next to Leo’s better-than-I-remember-body. He was always in great shape, but the embraces we’ve shared since we got back together tell me there was a helluva lot of working out going on while he lived in New York. His neck is thicker, his forearms are wider and…what the hell is going on under that shirt? Seven little buttons on that thing are all that’s separating me from total paradise. Will I be able to get a peek before my thoughts of him ram-charging another woman from behind get the best of me? Doubtful. Oh, Jesus! I need a distraction!
“Guess what? Kendall called me today and told me she can’t wait to play that snipe hunting thing with you again. You made quite an impression on that little girl.”
He moves even closer to me, and the smell of him is like ten thousand needle pricks of heroin hitting my body at once.
“I’m glad. I can’t wait to see her again too, but I don’t wanna talk about her right now. I wanna talk about you. No, scratch that. I don’t wanna talk at all.”
The lips. They’re strong and hungry and they’re on me. They’re exactly where I’d want them to be if I wasn’t stewing about them being on someone else.
“Leo, I’m sorry! I can’t!”
Pulling away with his hands in the air like he’s afraid he hurt me, “Whoa, what’s going on, Chrissy?”
“Don’t you wanna know if I’ve been with anyone else while we were apart?”
“Okay, one…you should know the thought of that makes me psychotic, so I’m not sure why you’d bring it up. And, two…I know you haven’t.”
There’s that un-cocky confidence that hypnotized me the night we met.
“How do you know that?”
“How could you be with someone else?”
“What do you…but, how could…hold on, can you explain so I can stop having my own psychotic thoughts?”
“Chrissy, you being with another guy makes about as much sense as me being with another girl. It makes no sense. I’m sure you tried, just like I did, to date and put yourself out there, but it’s not how you and I operate to sleep with someone we’re not in love with.”
“But you told me in New York we were done! You made me believe I had to move on! Jesus, Leo, you made me believe you already had! You mig
ht as well have said, ‘Go have sex with other guys, Chrissy, because you’ll never have it with me ever again!’”
“Yeah, and in my mind we were done, but in my heart, it just wasn’t happening.”
I’m looking at him like I ain’t buying what he’s selling.
“Baby, for the last year and a half you’ve been stuck in the middle of my heart, leaving no room for anyone else. And you should know I can’t have sex with a woman when my heart isn’t in it. Haven’t I proven that to you?”
I think back to April, 1998 when he rejected my pleas to come to his apartment. He thought I was engaged at the time and knowing he could never have my whole heart if I was, he couldn’t give me his. So, he rejected me…and my sex.
“Sex with some girl would’ve only tainted what we had together. I’ve never been ready to do that. So, no Chrissy, I don’t think there’s any way you’d be sitting here with me right now if you slept with someone else. I don’t think there’s any way you would’ve tainted what we had.”
“Everything you’re saying makes sense, but you’re a guy, Leo! Isn’t it impossible to, you know…go that long?”
The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) Page 4
