“Omigod, I’m such an asshole. I didn’t mean that AT ALL!”
I give her a kiss and tell her, “She knows.”
“What? That I’m an asshole or I didn’t mean it?”
“Both.”
After a few quiet minutes of my friends processing the fact that I’m Kendall’s legal guardian, I ask them if they’re okay with it.
“We kind of assumed. I mean, she’s been living with you since day one.”
“Yeah, it’s okay, Chrissy. You don’t have to feel bad. We knew Kelly didn’t want Kendall in daycare and that’s where she would’ve ended up if either of us got custody of her. Plus, we know how much you love her. You’re gonna do a great job of raising her.”
“I wish I was as optimistic as you two about this. I’m scared to death I’m gonna screw her up.”
Leaning in to give me a big supportive hug, they chime, “Welcome to motherhood.”
After a much needed pep talk from my experienced mom-friends, I grab two beers, one for me and one for the top of Kelly’s tombstone. But then I suddenly remember, due to Kendall, I don’t drink anymore. I place Kelly’s in its usual spot and pause for a second before I place the other one on Craig’s.
“This is so sickening.”
I couldn’t agree more with Nicole’s claim, and I could talk about how nauseating the scene is until the sun goes down. But, never one to stay in a dismal emotional state for long, Courtney changes the subject to one that only proves dismal for me.
“How did Kurt take the news about Kendall?”
“Not good. Mumbled something about never giving up his visitation and fuck Leo if he thinks he’s gonna raise Kendall.”
“Oh shit. That’s intense.”
“Probably not as intense as what Leo said though, right Chrissy?”
I know Nicole is inquiring because she truly cares about me, but I don’t want to tell her Leo’s real reaction for fear it’ll get back to Kurt and fuel his fire.
“Leo said he loves me. He’ll do anything to make me and Kendall happy.”
In reality, I called Leo when I left the attorney’s office, and while he told me he loves me, he’s one hundred percent NOT happy with the visitation arrangement. In fact, his exact words were, “I’m not sure how much deeper I can dig on this.” The minute I got back to work that day, I cried my eyes out with worry as I told my yoga team the truth about Leo’s frustration. And when I did that, I created a brand new reason to keep my old best friends away from my new great ones. That girl’s night out thing is NEVER happening if I have any say in it.
“That’s surprising.”
“What do you mean?”
“I dunno, with his short fuse and the way he pummeled Kurt…You’d think the guy would freak out if he knew he’d have to engage with him during every Kendall tradeoff.”
Do’h! I hate hearing the truth! I feel defensive Chrissy kicking into gear.
“First of all, Kurt started that fight so it’s not really fair to call him the one with the short fuse, and second of all, Leo knows exactly what he’s getting by marrying me and Kendall. In fact, I can’t think of anyone else strong enough to handle that kind of pressure.”
“Correction, with all of that visitation, he’s kind of marrying you, Kendall, and Kurt.”
Courtney, sensing by my silence that I’m plagued by what Nicole just said, switches the subject to something she thinks is more positive.
“When do you think he’ll be back from New York?”
“The original plan was next month, but it’s now delayed by two months…he thinks.”
“What’s his relationship like with Kendall?”
Aware that she struck an irritated-chord with that question, she’s quick to defend it.
“We know he’s a great guy, adores you, and all of that. It’s hard to just suddenly be a dad, though. Just wondering how he’s handling it.”
“He sends her gifts, calls her all of the time. All of that snipe hunting they used to do went far to win her over. Trust me, that little girl adores him.”
Throwing a potato chip at me, Nicole chimes in with, “You wanna know what I’m worried about?”
“How you’re gonna get that giant stain out of your pants? Seriously, Nic, what is it with you and coffee drinks?”
“Shut up! No, I’m worried about that great big sex life of yours!”
“What the heck are you talking about?”
“Dude, you live in a six hundred square foot box…with a kid!”
“Yeah girl, Nicole’s right. You’re gonna have to get a longer hallway between you two and Kendall. Oh, and you should probably get some locks on the doors.”
I turn my head swiftly back to Nicole who’s apparently got more insight to add to my sexless future.
“Well, that’s only if you have the energy to have sex. The older the kids get, the later they stay up. By the time they konk out, you’re too damn tired to even lay there while he pounds away at you. It’s too much freakin’ work after all of the work you already did that day, half of which you don’t even talk about because…you’re too damn tired!”
My head darts back at Courtney looking for some kind of positive spin on this subject. But there’s none to be found.
She shrugs her shoulders and lets it rip. “There’s always the morning though, you know, at around six when you know for sure the kid is still asleep. Of course, you look like shit and you’re breath smells like ass, but you won’t look at each other anyway. He’ll just pull your pj’s down and stick it in from behind. The good thing about that position though is you can doze off for a few more minutes.”
Nicole laughs and slaps her on the shoulder. “You do that too?”
Horrified, I stare at my friends before I say, “C’mon you guys, it’s not that bad…is it?”
Reaching for another beer, sarcastic Nicole replies, “You were married before. Tell us, did the sex get better as time went on?”
“Well…no! But, with Leo it’s different!”
Looking at me like she ain’t buying what I’m selling, Nicole keeps at it.
“There are those occasional nights though, you know…when you get hammered at a girl’s night out or something. You come home all drunk and crawl into bed and have crazy sex like you used to have before kids.”
“Yeah, but he’s the only one who gets something out of it though, because you’re usually too drunk to feel anything.”
“Damn right about that, Court! And, the other downside to those drunk nights is he just expects it like two nights later when you’re completely sober and all you want to do is watch your TIVO”.
It’s quiet for a minute, and I’m relieved that it looks like we’re going to change the subject. But, they’re not done.
“It’s when you have a brand new baby that you can kiss that sex life goodbye.”
“So true, Nic! So, what do you think? They probably have what…like a year or two of semi-good sex left?”
I heatedly throw my hands in the air to halt the sex--or should I say--NO sex talk.
“A baby? We just got a four-year-old! There won’t be any babies anytime soon!”
“That’s what you think! You can get pretty lazy about birth control once you’re married!”
“Yeah and not to mention how forgetful you can become when you have a four-year-old!”
Rolling my eyes at my friend’s over the top scare tactics, I tell them to shut up.
“Stop worrying about my sex life and start worrying about you own! Sounds like you need to!”
I thought I made it clear we were done with the subject, but Courtney dives in for a little more information.
“Speaking of sex and babies and stuff, what do you and Leo use?”
“For protection? Oh, my last depo shot was…” Counting the months on my fingers, I’m shocked to realize how right Courtney was when she said a four-year-old would make me forgetful. “Wow, it was in September. My next one was supposed to be last month, but crap, I just realized I forgot to get i
t. I’ve been so busy, I guess it just slipped my mind.”
Clapping her hands, Nicole boasts, “Oh girl! I see a baby in your near future!”
Help!
April, 2002
So much has happened in the last few months, and at the same time absolutely nothing has happened. Now that I’m caring for a child, my days are filled with a million seemingly insignificant tasks that make life meagerly fly by.
Before Craig died, I used to wake in the morning to a nice quiet cup of coffee, go for a relaxing run, followed by a very long hot shower. I’d take my time picking out an outfit for the day and leisurely set off to work, arriving un-frazzled and with all sorts of ideas to move the yoga business and my life forward. Sure, sometimes the evenings were challenging if I had to help Craig out by watching Kendall, but there was always an evening in the near future that I looked forward to.
Before Leo left on 9/11 we’d spend our nights cooking dinner together or overtly flirting at a restaurant. If he had to work late, I’d get a pedicure or go out for drinks with the girls from the studio. There were all kinds of options! But, no matter what, the nights always ended with some sort of romance. Even after Leo left for New York, we’d find a way to be intimate on the phone. It seemed that all of my days ended with me feeling satisfied and empowered, professionally and sexually. Now, my days end with me feeling ineffective and scared to death that I forgot to do something important. In order to get Kendall to pre-school on time, I rush out of the cottage in the morning without coffee or a matching outfit, and I usually trip over toys on the way because my cottage isn’t structured to deal with seven thousand of them. During my lunch break, I quickly grocery shop or chaotically browse the Internet searching for advice on how to raise a four-year-old and then at two o’clock I rush back out to pick up Kendall from school. I bring her back to the studio where we place a call to Leo so they can stay connected, and then the rest of the day is spent more on entertaining her than actually working. Instead of having sweaty sex with Leo, my nights now end after giving Kendall a dinner that pretty much consists of only one food group, an hour of Dora the Explorer so I can do the dishes in peace, and a long bath…for her. I tuck her in and then plop on my wicker couch, usually too tired to call Leo. He’d only want me to put my hands down my pants like the good ol’ days and quite frankly I’m so tired I’d have to fake it and the thought of that makes me more sad than not talking to him at all. So, I lay in the dark and let my mind wreak havoc on me. Millions of muddled mommy questions and concerns zip into my head like, did I remember to pack Kendall’s school lunch? Did I RSVP to the four birthday parties she was invited to on Saturday? Did I remember to buy gifts for those four birthday parties? Did I pick the right pre-school for her to attend? Am I wiping her butt the way her parents did? How long until I can stop helping her wipe her butt? Did we remember to say a prayer about her Mommy and Daddy tonight? Nope, forgot. Damn it. I suck at this!
The life I had pre-Kendall was thrilling and productive. Now I just run around like a crazy woman and feel like I have zero to show for it. Yes, the days of my life are very different now that a child is in it and worrying about stupid stuff like pooping in my small cottage while living with Leo is a thing of the past. In fact, I’d give anything to find the time to poop now. Maybe Nicole and Courtney were right. Maybe my steamy romance with Leo can’t survive all of these new challenges. Maybe I’ve been fighting my whole life to have it all-only to realize now, when you have children, you can’t. Maybe that’s what being a grown-up is all about…realizing you can’t have it all.
I guess I’m about to find out. Leo’s supposed to finally move back next month. He reassures me he’s kicking ass and that he’s going to give me and Kendall the life we both deserve. When he talks about our future it gives me butterflies, and when I listen in on the phone conversations he has with Kendall it makes me feel like we really are going to be a family…a fucking weird one, but a family nonetheless. He calms my nerves about struggling with the mom stuff and reassures me that things will be easier when he’s around to lend a hand. I just have to make it to next month and everything will go back to good. It’s after my conversations with him that I feel like I’ll be able to prove Nicole and Courtney wrong and prove to myself that I can have it all. It’s a constant ping-pong game of emotions I play with myself, but I’m determined to win.
But, I’ll tell you what I’m NOT winning at right now…the real estate game! Just like I was shocked when I pulled into the home Kurt shared with Kayla, I’m blown away as I park in his new driveway, located in a charming gated community in Walnut Creek. It’s Kendall’s first official visitation weekend with him.
After greeting Kendall with a balloon and a bunch of color swatches, Kurt tells her to go upstairs and pick out any room she wants and to pick a color to paint it.
Pryingly poking my head inside, “Wow, Kurt, this place is incredible. Tack on another three thousand square feet, a pool, and a tennis court and it could be that house in Orinda.”
“It’ll work. It’s close to Lafayette, and I assumed since the Forever Young headquarters are there, it would make our transfers a little easier.”
“So, you moved here…for me?”
“No, ego, I moved here for Kendall.”
Clearly, he’s still holding some kind of a grudge toward me.
“Right, that’s what meant. I just said it wrong. I meant to say…you moved here to make this easier on us. But, not us meaning me and Leo, us meaning all of the adults. Does that make sense?”
“No. You never make sense to me.” Nudging me out as he closes the door, “I’ll drop her off on Sunday.”
“Hold on!”
Irritated, he cracks the door back open a smidge.
“What?”
“I just realized, you can’t drive her around in the Porsche, there’s no room for the car seat!”
“Noooooo, really? Give me some credit, Chrissy, I sold the Porsche last month and bought a car fit for a kid. How stupid do you think I am?”
“You sold the Porsche?”
“Did I stutter?”
“Well, no, but I thought you loved that car.”
“Not as much as I love Kendall.”
Wow, he’s taking this responsibility to levels I never thought he had in him. Chrissy’s confused.
“Oh…okay.”
As I’m yelling goodbye to Kendall, she comes barreling around the upstairs corner.
“I wuv my room Ki-Ki! I wuv it, I wuv it, I wuv it!”
“That’s great sweetheart. I’ll see you on Su…”
And then she was gone, back to her brand new big room in the brand new big house. Then Kurt said, “See ya” and slammed the door on me. It takes me back to that daunting day in November, 1998 when I moved into my cottage. After Kurt helped me pack up some of the furniture from our old house in Danville, I sat idling in the driveway, hoping he’d see how sad I was. But, he just flashed his million dollar smile and went inside the house, giving me the independence I begged him so hard to have.
My cell phone snaps me away from the memory. It’s the real estate agent in charge of selling Craig and Kelly’s house. She tells me the buyers need to shorten the closing process, which means I have to have everything cleared out-- like, right now! I hang up the phone and literally lose it in my car.
I’m in the process of selling a house that doesn’t even belong to me and I’m in charge of storing away the entire contents of it for future use, and now I’ve just been told that I only have ten days to do it! Childless Chrissy can tackle anything in ten days! But, now that I’m a mom, all I have available are the weekends when Kendall is with Kurt, and that’s not enough time to get the job done, at least on my own anyway. I pick up the phone to call Leo, but then throw it back on the seat. What’s the point? It’s not like he can do anything all the way from New York.
“God fucking dammit! Will life EVER be normal for me?”
I begin to pound on my steering wheel and throw the bi
ggest baby temper tantrum in the world. The much needed moment is rudely interrupted by a slow soft knock on my window.
“Go away, Kurt.”
“Roll down your window.”
“No.”
“Chrissy, roll it down and tell me what’s wrong.”
“No, you’ll just tell me I deserve everything I have coming, flash that stupid half-smile and walk back into your stupid new house.”
Trying hard not to laugh at my drama, he reassures me, “I won’t do that, I promise. Tell me what’s going on.”
“Everything’s wrong! I’m falling behind at work! I haven’t done my laundry in six days! Don’t even get me started on how stinky this tank top is! And you were right about me being a terrible cook-- Kendall won’t even eat the hotdogs I make! I’ve barely had the time to pack up Craig and Kelly’s house and now….I have to do it in ten days! It’s too hard, and I need help, but I’m all alone and no one fucking cares how hard all of this is. Just go away so I can figure it out.”
He taps on my window again, “Roll down the window so I can hear you, please.”
Giving in, because deep down I don’t want to have to figure this out on my own, I roll down my window.
Rather calmly he asks again, “Now, tell me why you’re crying.”
After telling him everything I just said when the window was rolled up, he quickly comes up with a plan to clear out the house.
“Why don’t you head over there now and get started. I’ll pick up where you left off on Monday and work through the week and then-”
“But what about your job?”
“I’m the boss, I can make it happen.”
Blowing my nose as I look at him, “What do you mean, you’re the boss?”
“You’re looking at the new president of Quest Adventure Gear.”
“When the hell did that happen?”
“It doesn’t matter. It just happened.”
“But you fart around too much for something like that to happen.”
“Chrissy, I work in the outdoors industry. All anyone does is fart around. Apparently, I do it the best.”
Well put me to bed and turn out the lights. Never in a million years did I think Kurt had the work ethic to propel himself to such a level. Then again, why am I surprised? He knew where he wanted to work the minute he graduated from college. He started at the bottom of that company and stuck with it all the way to the top. He never quit.
The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) Page 19
