“Do you have to go back?”
“Unfortunately, yes.”
“I guess it’s just for one more month.” Hugging him tightly, “I think I can make it.”
“Chrissy I have something to tell you. I waited until now because I didn’t want to ruin the weekend.”
Pulling back a little, “You’re scaring me.”
“It’s not scary, I promise. It’s just that I have to stay in New York until July to help Taddeo with the Texas deal.”
“What? No!”
“I only need an extra six weeks and I can get what I need done. I promise, I wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t important.”
“But, it’s been so long already and Kendall probably doesn’t even remember what you look like!”
“But she knows what I sound like. We talk on the phone all of the time.”
“It’s not the same! Damn it, Leo, I don’t wanna live like this anymore.”
Pulling me back into him, “It’s hard for me too. But, what I’m doing is for the rest of our lives. We can make it six more weeks, can’t we?”
Just like I remember doing in Dr. Maria’s office so many years ago, I nod my head yes like it’s no biggie, but the hole in my heart that’s flashing a big neon vacancy sign says otherwise.
Onward and Upward
June, 2002
“Thank you for taking care of that.”
“What? All I did was order the food.”
“I’m talking about my clothes. Thanks for not throwing them away. I just know all of that fluorescent stuff will make a comeback one day.”
“Okay…one, you’re totally wrong about that assumption. And, two…how come I never know what you’re talking about anymore, Kelly?”
Giggling, “You don’t know what you’re talking about!”
“Huh?”
“Who’s it gonna be, Chrissy? Just pick already!”
“Who’s who gonna be?”
“You’re gonna have to choose or something will happen that’ll make the choice for you.”
“Are you talking about love?”
“You got it.”
“Will I ever find it?”
“It’s all around you…even about to be inside of you.”
“I’ve always had love inside of me, Kel!”
“But, you’ve never had it growing inside of you.”
I bolt straight up in bed and grab my stomach, which is stupid because unless a phone can impregnate me, I’m in the clear.
There’s no need to jump out of bed because Kendall’s with Kurt, so I slump back down and reflect on my latest confusing dream with Kelly. I know I’m not pregnant, and I know what man I’ve chosen, so what’s the message? Are these dreams some kind of a reflection of my insecurities? But, what insecurities? I know who I am now and I know what I want, so why all of the creepy man/baby talk? Maybe I’ll give Dr. Maria a jingle and chat about it. I’ve wanted to touch base with her since she set me up with Dr. Vikki, but life has done nothing but get in the way of it. Maybe next week. Too much to do today. And first on my list of things to do is to call my gynecologist and get my depo provera shot so I’m ready to go when Leo moves back home. I’ll do anything to avoid another condom nightmare from happening. I swear, if all of my hair hadn’t been waxed off, the friction would’ve started a fire and burned the damn hotel down.
I make my way to the bathroom and like usual, trip over a hundred toys on the way. And, like usual I groan, “Son of a bitch, I can’t live like this anymore.” And it doesn’t look like I’ll have to for much longer! Leo and I had a long talk in Half Moon Bay, and we decided I should get started on looking for a house. It makes more sense to have a home ready and waiting for him upon his return in July, there’s simply no room in the cottage for a suitcase, let alone a man. Both of our businesses are doing extremely well and we’re prepared to spend a pretty penny on a piece of property in Lafayette. It’s where Kendall’s pre-school is and in keeping with the consistency commitment I made to Kelly, I won’t switch her. Not that I would anyway. My inexperienced mom ass got super lucky and picked an amazing school. She loves it there and is totally thriving. So much so that Dr. Vikki only has us on an as needed basis. As of right now, there’s no need to see her in person.
Once Kelly and Craig’s house was sold and all of their things were put in storage, a huge weight got lifted off of me. And, spending two amazing nights with Leo helped to alleviate a lot of stress that had been building up. Almost overnight, my head cleared and I was able to better manage my days. I started setting my alarm clock for an hour earlier to once again enjoy a quiet cup of coffee and a long shower, and I started making larger grocery trips on the weekends so I didn’t have to run around like a crazy woman during the week. I even enrolled Kendall and me in cooking classes and we’re learning what a well-balanced meal is together. I also put her in an after school gymnastics program that gives me an hour more a day in the office. All of the changes have brought a great deal of sanity back into my life and it’s reflected in Kendall’s smile every day. She’s healthy and active and for the most part seems to be enjoying life. I’m sure there are a million other things I could be doing to make her days better and I bet Kelly spelled them all out for me in those videos, but I still can’t bring myself to watch them. Brushing my hand alongside the box that holds them, I mutter, “I just need a little more time, Kel.”
In the shower I wash my body and like always I imagine my hands are Leo’s. I’ve missed the touch of a man like I never thought I would. Sure I’m “mom” tired, but something about being a mom seems to bring out the desire more than when I was without her. Maybe it’s a fear of becoming old…of becoming undesirable. I don’t know, but it’s an insecurity I don’t want to think about right now because I’m happy and I don’t want anything to bring me down. I exit the shower and push aside Leo’s still hard and tousled towel from when he last went back to New York in December after the fight with Kurt. It’s one of the few reminders I have of him in the cottage and I can’t bring myself to alter it.
Now staring at myself in the mirror, I study the fine lines under my eyes and wonder if I look thirty-three. I’ll be turning that old in two months. It’s hard to believe I was only twenty-eight when I met Leo. Its’ even harder for me to believe, given all of the wrenches thrown at us, that the dreams he and I shared the night we met at Buckley’s are about to come true. I can’t believe that I sat down next to a twenty-two-year-old, college attending, rock yard worker and went home destined to spend the rest of my life with him. And now, four years later he’s accomplished his goal of becoming not only an investment banker, but the managing partner of T.L. Capital, his very own business. And I learned to follow my heart and it led me to my very own business, Forever Young, Inc. There have been times when I thought for sure our relationship wouldn’t make it, but it was always our shared dreams that brought us back together, and I know it’s our shared dreams that will keep us together. Dr. Maria so brilliantly made me realize that.
Now in my bedroom putting on my clothes, my thoughts return to my list of things to do today, which starts with the house hunt. Hopefully I’ll find us the perfect one and it’ll close by mid-July, because I have another big thing I have to start planning: our wedding. Leo and I finally talked about it in Half Moon Bay and decided to bail on the idea of Fiji and just have a very small wedding at our new house, like with just the two of us, Kendall and a bunch of snipes. We set the date for September fourteenth. Four months from today.
Heading to my desk to get started on a list of must-haves in the new house, my mind drifts off for a second to the two amazing days with Leo in Half Moon Bay. It makes me remember two very important items to put on the list--long hallways and a lock on the master bedroom door! Come to think of it, we might even want to build in some sound proofing!
Almost
July, 2002
“I’m standing in it right now! It’s ours Leo! I can hardly believe it, but it’s ours!”
Looking out of the kitchen window and into the backyard of my new house, I’m smiling from ear to ear as I watch Kendall run around like a crazy person who just chugged two liters of Coke (which I’d never give her) and ate four cupcakes (which I don’t know how to make).
“We’re officially ready for you, so please come home now!”
As of thirty-one days ago I still hadn’t found the right place to call home and Leo agreed with every listing I faxed to him that none of them felt right. They either didn’t have enough bedrooms, the kitchens were outdated, there wasn’t a pool, or the lot was too small. House after house was disappointing and I was running out of time. After touring twenty-four homes in Lafayette, I was starting to get discouraged that I wouldn’t find the right house before he moved back in July.
And thirty-one days ago I set out on what I thought would be another exhausting house hunt with our agent, but to my surprise I stepped foot into the most perfect home to start our new lives. And today I got the keys! Yep, right now I’m on the phone with Leo and I’m standing in our three thousand square foot totally remodeled rancher. The quintessential California home! It has three spare bedrooms that are all located as far from the master bedroom as they can possibly be! The backyard is humongous and totally loaded with every toy a grown-up (because I’m officially one of those now) could ever want. It’s got a pool, an outdoor kitchen and a fireplace, and it also has the most charming garden that I can already see all of our kids digging around in. Gone are the days when I long to live in Danville again. In fact, Danville can eat me!
When I faxed Leo the listing, he called me right away and said, “That’s it!” So I put in a full price offer and never looked back. Well except once, when I was packing up the cottage and called him crying.
My cottage had become like an old friend to me and the thought of saying goodbye to the kitchen counter where Holy Fucking Shit night took place or the front door that Leo slammed in my face on Lo Siento night or the cozy little living room where I found out Kelly had pancreatic cancer on Duck, Duck, Duck, Goose night, totally depressed me. Sure all of those nights were horrific, but I got through them because I had my tranquil cottage to seek refuge in and I was having a hard time walking away from it. But, as usual, my beautiful Leo had a brilliant idea. He said, “Let’s keep it!” Apparently he’s going to have tons of out of town guests for work and he thinks it’ll be a great place to set them up. After reassuring me that his business is doing better than I could ever imagine and we could afford it, I worked out a deal with the landlord and resigned the lease for another three years. Leo was not kidding AT ALL when he said he’d do anything to make me happy.
“I wish so badly I could come home right now, but I can’t.”
“I figured you couldn’t come early. I guess I’ve waited this long, what’s three more days, right? Besides, it’ll give me time to unpack. I want this place to be perfect for you when you get here.” Catching a glimpse of Kendall blowing bubbles in the garden, “Oh my gosh, Leo, you should see her-”
“I can’t come home in three days.”
All of a sudden my head is spinning.
“I know I didn’t hear what you just said.”
“It’s not that bad, I promise! I just have a few more things to wrap up, so I have to push the date out a little.”
“How little?”
“September.”
“September? We’re getting married in September!”
“And I’ll be there for it, please don’t worry.”
“Leo, do you realize we’ve only seen each other once in…”
“Three months, three days and sixteen hours. Trust me, I know.”
“Then why? Hold on a minute, is that Italian bastard doing this on purpose?”
His laugh is deep and sexy and hearing it makes me madder than ever!
“Leo, I’m serious! This is ridiculous! Kendall doesn’t even know what a fucking snipe is anymore, and I’ve become re-virginized!”
“Well, one of those is a good thing.”
“Stop! This isn’t funny. We were supposed to do this together.”
Pausing for a long time because it hurts him so much that I’m hurting, he finally says, “Believe me, I don’t like this anymore than you, but it’s really important that I stay these extra few days. I promise, Chrissy, I’ll be there on September first and not a day later.”
“Can you at least come for my birthday next month?”
“I don’t think so, baby. I’m supposed to be in Texas.”
Jesus Christ, it feels like I’m Diane Lane all over again and I’m back in that Lifetime made for TV movie. I mean, seriously, what normal person gets custody of her dead best friend’s kid and has a fiancé who’s resurrecting his lucky-to-be-alive best friend’s business all the way across the country?
Staring at Kendall, I let out a big sigh. “What am I supposed to tell the snipe hunter about the delay?”
“The truth. That I’m doing this for you guys. I meant what I said last December. I will honor the memory of Kelly and Craig and be the best father I can be to Kendall. You know I wouldn’t stay these extra few weeks if I didn’t think I was doing that, right?”
“I guess so.”
“You trust me?”
“Of course. You trust me too, right?”
“Are you wearing your ring?”
“Every single day.”
“Quick! How many sapphires are on it?”
Knowing I wouldn’t know the answer unless I actually had it on to count them, I swiftly deliver the answer that I hope, once and for all, puts him at ease.
“Eight.”
“Okay, I trust you. It took four years, but I think we’ve arrived.”
On that note, Leo and I hung up the phone, and I took Kendall back to the cottage where we’ll remain until he arrives. I want our first night in the new house to be together...as a family.
Stupid, Stupid Girl
August, 2002
Leo’s birthday in July came and went without more than a thirty minute conversation. He barely had enough time to talk to me about Kendall and our new house, let alone the fact that he was turning twenty-seven. In fact, he completely forgot it was his birthday until I reminded him. By the time I finally talked to him that day it was nine o’clock in the evening and he still hadn’t been back to the apartment he was sharing with Taddeo to find the cookies I’d sent that Kendall had made all by herself. Clearly he’s scrambling to get everything done before his move back home, and while I appreciate his drive and intensity, I don’t appreciate that he’s forgetting about some pretty important stuff…like my birthday too! In fact, everyone outside of Kendall and girls at the yoga studio forgot today was my birthday.
The day started off with a promising bang that it was going to be great. Kendall woke me up by loudly singing happy birthday and telling me I’m the best Ki-Ki in the world. After that I dropped her at pre-school where she told me she was working on a craft and would surprise me with it after school. Hoping to continue the birthday fun, I checked my messages, but hung up disappointed when there weren’t any. After checking my watch and assuring myself that the day was still young and I’d get calls later in the afternoon, I made my way to Starbucks to treat myself to my favorite, a non-fat vanilla latte. But, by mid-first-sip of my delightful caffeinated creation, it dawned on me that it already is later in the afternoon in New York.
I sauntered into work with an irritated look on my face that took Slutty Co-worker less than five seconds to diagnose. She immediately ushered me into a relaxation class and followed it up with a masseuse that was waiting for me in my office. Once my massage was done, I bounced off of the table and grabbed my cell phone just knowing I’d hear Leo’s voice. There was nothing, and my mood took a nose dive. Luckily, the girls made a lunch reservation at my favorite restaurant where Slutty Co-worker entertained all of us with a re-cap of her date last night which managed to take my mind off Leo for a few hours. From the restaurant I had to rush out to get Ken
dall and then drive to the new house to do the final walk-through with the painters I hired to help me make everything just perfect for Leo’s return. But, being busy throughout the day did nothing to curb the frustration that mounted from not hearing from Leo. From the moment I got off of the massage table, to five o’clock when I dropped Kendall off at Kurt’s house for the weekend, my phone never left my hand…and it also never rang.
I check my phone again when I pull into Kurt’s driveway and try not to sound dejected when I sing the words, “Here we are!” to Kendall. There still aren’t any messages, and not just from Leo, there aren’t any from my best friends either! Walking up to the front door, I mumble, “What the friggin’ hell is wrong with everyone today?” I ring the bell and like usual try to steal a look inside Kurt’s new home as he ushers Kendall inside, but like usual he blocks my view and makes me stay on the porch.
As he’s closing the door on my lonely birthday girl ass, he groans, “I’ll have her back on Sunday. See ya.”
“Oh…okay. Well, you guys have a good…” By the time I got to “time” the door was locked from the inside.
Back in my car I check my phone once again and then throw it on the passenger seat.
“It’s nine o’clock in New York! Where the hell is that man?”
The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) Page 21
