“No! We’re supposed to raise Kendall together. You and me!”
“GIVE ME A BREAK! IT WOULD’VE BEEN YOU, ME AND HIM AND YOU KNOW IT!” After calming down, he continues, “It’s a good thing this happened before I moved back because you know what? I’m not that guy, Chrissy. I’m not someone who can share the scene with your ex-husband. Even though I knew it wasn’t in me, I tried to dig deep and deal with it because we were already engaged and I really like Kendall. But, this break up was unavoidable once I moved back to the Bay Area and we both know it.”
“That’s not true, we-”
“IT IS TRUE! Maybe you didn’t have sex with him this time, but you used to and every time I see his face or hear his name I imagine it and it drives me crazy. I can’t be with you when he’s in the picture and now that you have Kendall he’ll ALWAYS be in the picture.”
“I won’t accept this, Leo! There has to be something I can do!”
Confirming that there will be no more chances at love with him; he looks right through me and coldly says, “There’s nothing.”
He follows my eyes to the clock on the table and recognizes at the same moment as me that I’ve used up my five minutes.
Refusing to accept everything he’s telling me and rejecting the inevitable, I shake my head, “I don’t think I can do this. I can’t walk out of here and never see you again.”
“It’s why you shouldn’t have come.”
To the extent that I was praying for it not to be true, this trip is all about closure.
If roses are meant to be red
And violets to be blue
Why isn't my heart meant for you.
My hands are longing to touch you
But I can barely breathe
Starry eyes that make me melt
Right in front of me
Lost in this world
I even get lost in this song
And when the lights go down
That is where I'll be found
(Lost, Anouk)
Tainted Love
September, 2002
As much as I don’t want to admit it to myself, Leo’s right. It will always be me, him and Kurt raising Kendall, and given the way Leo and I are wired to love, it will never work. If the truly, madly, deeply tables were turned, I’d have to make the same choice as he did and end the relationship.
I shift my gaze from the clock back to Leo and slowly nod my head in defeat. He shakes his in disbelief. Realizing the enormity of a face-to-face goodbye, he suddenly puts his anger aside and speaks to me with his eyes. They’re saying, “We could’ve avoided this pain had you just stayed away.” As much as I know his eyes are right and that I should leave, I cannot willingly quit my drug.
“Please tell me how I’m supposed to walk away from the only person I’ve ever been real with?”
Still, he just continues to shake his head.
“How do I flag down a taxi…sleep in a hotel room twenty minutes from you? Leo, please tell me how I’m supposed to get on a plane tomorrow knowing I’ll never see you again?”
Demanding I help him right back, “How do I tell you to go away when I can barely tell myself to stay away from you?”
All of my past break-ups with Leo were angry and tumultuous. When he told me we were done after my surprise party in 1998, when he told me we were done the night of his college graduation in 1999, when he told me we were done on the snowy streets of Manhattan in 2000, each break-up lacked the love that for the most part we gave so easily to each other and I think it was why, each time, I was never able to move on. I felt like I needed to be faithful to the deep loving connection we shared, and I found it incredibly hard to be with another man. I never felt like those thoughts were something anyone could understand, not even Dr. Maria, so I kept them to myself and I struggled with them. I struggled with them when I traveled to Los Angeles and forced myself to kiss the tatted up attorney, Mark Wiseley. I struggled when I, oh Jesus, dry humped the Cal Berkeley quarterback. I fear if I walk out of here right now with all of the angry feelings Leo just expressed, I’ll be stuck forever. I’ll never be able to move on without him, and I’ll always feel the need to be faithful to him. As if he feels the same way, he walks up to me and leans his forehead against mine.
“I wish I could be the kind of guy who could go along with the set-up you and him have.”
“I know.”
“I wish I could put my jealousies aside and share Kendall with him.”
“I know.”
“I wish I didn’t care about you walking out of here, about you alone in your hotel room or flying home tomorrow…I wish so badly it didn’t have to be this way.” Pulling back to look at me, “I have never loved anyone as much as I love you…but that love fucks me up, Chrissy, and that’s why it has to be this way.”
Knowing my relationship with Kurt can’t go away because of Kendall, I know my relationship with Leo has officially run out of time. But this break-up is so different than all of our others. Whenever we broke up before, I always had the hope we’d get back together and it was that hope that prevented me from officially turning into a Sad Frumpy Lady. My cracking voice wonders out loud, “How do I leave here with no hope?”
“Like I said…how do I tell you how to do something I can’t even do myself?”
Doing what I think I need for closure so that I can hopefully get on with my life, I gently cup his face with my hands and kiss him. It’s a kiss that starts off modestly and without expectation, but almost as quickly as it starts, it grows into something passionate and familiar. Disappointed in himself, Leo pulls away.
“This isn’t a good idea.”
The drug, now boiling in my system, compels me to fight for this kind of closure. I breathlessly beg, “Why? Breaking up the other way never worked for us.”
Unmistakably let down in his lack of self-control, Leo tilts his head back and lets out a deep moan. At first he resists kissing me back, but ultimately the deep connection of our tainted love wins over and he picks me up and carries me to his room.
Knowing that words will get us nowhere at this point, we withdraw into our own thoughts and devour each other knowing it will be the last time. Our approaches to what we’re doing are completely different. Leo, angry at himself, intermittently shakes his head knowing that making love to me is counter-productive to getting over me. While I, knowing it will be my last time with him, move slowly and methodically. I want…No, I need to remember everything.
He removes all of my clothes, gently lays me on the bed, and then takes his self-deprecating time to kiss every inch of my body before he stands in front of me, removes his own clothes and then delicately lies down beside me. Conscious that I’ll have to leave his apartment the minute this is over, I nudge him onto his back. I kiss his chest, then his belly, and work my way down to his pelvis where I take him into my mouth. I never thought it possible prior to meeting him, but his adoration of me has always made this a pleasurable act and I’d do it every single night if he asked me to. His pulsations tell me when to back off and not wanting the moment to end, I do.
“Chrissy, what are we doing?”
“What we’ll never have with anyone else.”
“It’s making things harder.”
Traveling back up to his lips, “How could it be any harder, Leo?”
Feeling like it’s disrespectful to sleep with a woman he’s breaking up with, he feels obliged to defend his principles.
“I want you to know, I wouldn’t be doing this unless I loved you.”
“I wouldn’t let it happen otherwise.”
And then, just like he did the very first time we ever made love, he takes my hand and places it on his heart, the beat as steady and hard as it was that night four years ago. And also just like that night, I do absolutely nothing to stop him as he pulls his body on top of mine. And just like the overwhelming feeling I had the first time this ever happened, like a woman is supposed to love a man, I love him. The only thing different about wha
t’s happening right now and the night we first made love is that back then he said, “Once this happens, I’m not letting you out of my life.” Right now, all I can hear in my head is, “When this is over, you have to be out of my life.” But, it doesn’t matter. Our relationship started with a deep loving connection and I need it to end with one. And when Leo enters my body that’s all I can feel. I hold on to him as tightly as possible to hang on to the feeling for as long as possible.
He held me in his arms when the moment was over, and as long as he did I wasn’t going anywhere. But when he dozed off, that’s when I knew it was now or never. To stay with him until the morning would only result in another sad conversation with the same sad outcome. With Kurt a part of Kendall’s life, it will always be constant torment for Leo. I have to release him from the torment.
As soon as I hear the soft purr of Leo’s sleepy breath, I slip out from under his grasp and stand by the edge of the bed, staring at him until I hear Taddeo enter the apartment, see my shoes in the hallway and say “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” before closing his own bedroom door. After quietly gathering my clothes and putting them on, I slip my beautiful engagement ring off of my finger and gently set it on his nightstand. Then, I mentally yank the Leo syringe out of my vein that’s been stuck there from the moment I met him, walk out of his fancy New York apartment, and away from the man who taught me what real love is supposed to be like…because he asked me to.
Vomit
October, 2002
“You look like shit.”
“You look like shit!”
“No I don’t! Look at my rosy cheeks!”
Kelly’s right. Ever since last March she’s looked amazingly refreshed and it bugs the crap out of me. I should really ask her what spa she’s been going to.
Giggling, “You wanna know why?”
“Why what?”
“Why you look like shit.”
“I already know why! I’ve been working my butt off opening that new studio in…in… Jesus, my memory is for shit these days! I can’t even remember where the damn place is!”
“I know why your memory is bad too, and boy oh boy is it ever gonna freak you out.”
Our food arrives, and the minute it lands in front of me I push it away.
“Not hungry?”
“Not at all. And the smell…it makes me nauseous!”
Kelly flicks a French fry at me and worriedly insists, “Chrissy I think you need to get your head out of your ass and wake up.”
“I’m trying!”
Grabbing my wrists, she shakes them and yells, “NO, REALLY WAKE UP! IT’S COMING! IT’S COMING!”
I snap out of my dream just in time to run to the bathroom and throw up.
After wiping up the mess, I check on Kendall to make sure I didn’t wake her with the ghastly noise, before heading to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Steeping my bag, I softly glide my hand across the countertop that Leo placed me on during Holy Fucking Shit night. That night was one of a million exciting firsts I shared with him. My hopes were high so many times during our relationship that we would make it. And so many times I managed to royally screw everything up. I numbly sip my tea. Then, I do what I do every morning…count the days since I last saw the man who was the love of my life.
It’s been over a month since I left his New York apartment. Remarkably, I was able to hail a cab without melting down, lay in my hotel bed without wanting to kill myself, and I flew home looking about as normal as anyone else on the plane (which isn’t saying much because most New Yorkers look like walking zombies). Because of the little girl in the other room I had no choice but to stay calm and persevere, so that’s what I did. Of course, it doesn’t mean that every single day since I left him hasn’t hurt like a mother fucker.
I think the hardest part about coming home was telling Kendall that Leo and I decided to go our separate ways. After I explained that he wouldn’t be moving in with us, she got her snipe-hunting night vision goggles that he sent her a few months back, handed them to me and said, “I guess I don’t need these anymore,” and then somberly walked back into her room. I definitely won’t be winning any ‘guardian-of-dead-best-friend’s-daughter-mother of the year’ awards any time soon.
The second hardest part about coming home has been deciding what to do about the new house in Lafayette. With the money I still have saved from the sale of my Danville house and what I earn at Forever Young, Inc. I can easily buy out Leo’s half of the down payment. But, it’s the monthly overhead of the place that scares me. I’d have to kiss things goodbye like facials, fancy restaurants, and flashy shoes, and I just don’t think I’m ready to do that. Even so, Kendall and I are crawling all over each other in the cottage and something needs to be done. I asked the real estate agent if I could have until December to decide what to do, and after running it by Leo, she told me it would be fine. A thought suddenly occurs to me and I slam my tea cup down. That real estate agent is cute and single! What if she’s flirting with him now that she knows I’m out of the picture? Oh my God, I’ll kill her! Dammit! How come I don’t know Leo’s voicemail code? No! Calm down, Chrissy! It’s for the better. Life will be better for you if you don’t know about his love life….something he’s bound to have again one day. If you had his code, you’d just go back to being a psycho and dial in ten times a day looking for status updates. It would break you down…it would DESTROY YOU! Yep, Leo’s voicemail, while it was a less stimulating drug than the actual physical Leo, it was a drug nonetheless and my life is better without it.
And with thoughts of Leo doing to my real estate agent what he did to me on Holy Fucking Shit night, I slam my tea cup down on the counter one more time and run to the bathroom to throw up again.
SAY WHAT?
October, 2002
“You look like shit.”
“Wow…First Kelly, now you?”
“Huh?”
“Never mind.”
Holding Kendall’s hand, I brush past Slutty Co-worker and walk to Megan’s little office. It’s crammed with boxes.
“Seriously, Megan? I mean, you’ve got to either ship this crap to the Nepanese people or donate it to Goodwill. I can barely find you in here.”
“It’s Nepalese, Chrissy.”
“I don’t care what the…” Looking down at Kendall who’s looking up at me with wide eyes, expecting a bad word, I rethink my approach.
“I don’t care what the bleep it is. It’s making me crazy!”
“Is that what you came in here to tell me?”
Now trying my best to be sweet, “Actually, no…Can you drop Kendall off at school? Pretty please? I feel like…”
Knowing the S word is about to explode from my mouth, Kendall tugs my hand and disapprovingly shakes her head. “I feel like pooh-pooh.” Looking back down at Kendall, “Is that better?”
“Yep!”
“And, yep, I can take her to school! Come on Kendall, hop on my back!”
The second they’re gone I slide down the wall and hang my head between my legs.
“Been hittin’ the bottle again, hunny?”
I pull my head up and glare at Slutty Co-worker, “Very funny. Must be the flu or something.”
Barbara, who just walked in with a sassy new cut and color, takes one look at me and says, “That’s not the flu, sweetie pie…you’re pregnant.”
In unison, Slutty and I let out a whopping, “SAY WHAT?”
“Yep, I know that look, and I bet you my next paycheck, there’s a baby in that belly!”
Almost not wanting it to be true as much as me, Slutty Co-worker starts rambling off a million questions. I immediately throw my hands in the air to stop the annoyance.
“WHOA, hold on! No one’s pregnant! It’s just the flu!”
Barbara, who’s now laughing, kneels down beside me. “Is that why you fell asleep at your desk twice last week? Is it why, all of a sudden, you run out of the building when you smell my food heating up in the microwave?”
/> “Okay, first of all, helloooooo, I’m raising a child…I’m tired! And, second of all, that Berkeley Indian food cart shit smells like…shit! If you haven’t noticed, everyone runs out of the building!”
The new and improved Barbara stands, waves me off, and walks down the hallway singing, “Somebody’s gonna have a baaaaaby!”
Slutty Co-worker looks down at my clearly puzzled face.
“You wanna talk this out?”
Scrambling to my feet, “Let’s go find a calendar.”
Settling at her desk with our day-timers in front of us, I start shuffling through the pages.
“That day! Look, it’s in black and white! I got my last depo provera shot on July nineteenth! See, there’s no way I can be pregnant!”
“Hold on there, fertile Franny. Are you sure? Because according to my calendar, you took half of that day off to get the keys to your new house, and before you left to do that you were here the whole time.”
“What? Let me see that.” I nervously grab at her calendar as she moves to look at her computer screen.
“Yep, and see right here? Here’s an email I sent to Megan on that day bitching about how much time your house hunting had taken and that I was glad you went to get the keys, and it was finally over.”
“You guys talk shit about me?”
“All the time…but stay on point, this is serious! Do you think that maybe in the excitement of getting the keys to the house you forgot to go to the doctor?”
Like a shot of lightening…No scratch that. Like baby kicking in the womb, all of a sudden I remember exactly what happened.
“Oh shiiiiiiiiiiit.”
“What did you do, doll?”
“Ohhhhhh, no, no, no, no, no. This is not good.”
“Oh boy, what’s not good?”
“It’s coming back to me now.”
“Spill it.”
“I was supposed to get it after I got the keys, but when I called Leo from the new house and he told me the news about postponing his arrival until September, I remember thinking, ‘Heck, I guess I don’t have to get that shot today,’ and I decided to stay at the house and play with Kendall in the backyard.”
The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) Page 26
