by A. S. Kelly
“You’re a beautiful woman, Ciara. I’m sorry about what I said and for having taken advantage of you. You were vulnerable and upset. I should not have done that.”
I hear her frustrated sigh and see her disappointment at my refusal, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I have to stop all of this before it’s too late, before both of us can regret what we’ve done.
“We’ve known each other forever. We’ve always been friends, and you are like a sister for me.” I’m repeating this mantra and trying to sound convincing.
Not for her benefit, for mine.
Because I don’t believe a single word that I’m saying. My mouth is pronouncing this load of crap while my head is screaming at me to knock it off and talk about something else.
“Sometimes things can change,” she tries to reason, and the hope in her eyes destroys a little part of me. That same part I thought I had put down forever.
“That’s not how it is here, let me assure you. And I am certain that it is not what you really wanted.”
“You can’t know what I want, Aaron.”
“It’s better like this, for both of us.”
She lowers her glance and steps away from my touch. Her distancing herself from me hurts that little bit of pride that was left in me, but I’m sure I’m doing the right thing for me and for her.
Especially for her.
“I don’t know what happened to me. Try to forgive me. I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”
Friendship? I don’t believe it either.
“It was nothing,” she says, walking away from me decisively and looking for her clothes on the bed. “It was stupid, impulsive… like you said. We’re friends. You don’t have to worry. Everything’s fine.”
I don’t believe her words either, but I pretend to because that’s what I’ve learned to do best over the years. Pretend that everything is fine, that I’m fine, even if I’d like to scream on the inside and slam my head against the wall until all of my thoughts turn to dust. Pretend that it costs me nothing to distance myself from the only person who is able to make me feel something again.
“I’ll wait for you downstairs, I’ll take you to the pub,” I say, turning and going to the door.
I go down the stairs quickly to get away from her, from her deep eyes and her fabulous body, which will probably be the only thing I will be able to think about from this point forward.
7
CIARA
When I get to the pub the party is already underway. Erin is the picture of happiness: she’s laughing, drinking and dancing around the pub with a tiara, a veil and a pink T-shirt that says Bride on it.
“Ciara! Where the hell have you been?”
“Sorry,” I say, hugging her, and she slips a drink in my hand which is the same shade of pink as her T-shirt. “I was late at school and I needed to take a shower and get changed.”
I’m wearing jeans because I didn’t want anyone to see what shape my knees are in. They’re swelling and hurt like heck. I have two bruises that look very much like eggplants in size and color. Topping off my outfit is a black tank top and one of my plaid shirts, but this time in rose hues, just to keep in theme with the party, as requested by Erin.
I made myself up as I always do, perhaps even more: lots of dark eyeliner and even more mascara. I couldn’t leave out one of my bright red lipsticks to pull it all together. Maybe I’ve exaggerated a bit, but I don’t know, I needed a mask tonight to hide away all of my disappointment.
Aaron didn’t want me. He kissed me, and I felt the explosion within him to have me, but then he reconsidered, taking back every gesture and regretting it bitterly.
All I really feel like doing now is getting under the covers and snuggling down with a tub of ice cream and watching a tearjerker film that would only make me feel even worse. And here I am instead at Erin’s hen party. Erin, who in three days is going to marry my brother.
“I thought we were going to go out,” I say, looking at the others having fun dancing around the pub.
“Oh, but this is just the beginning, and anyway the drinks are free here,” Erin says with a wink. “Come dance?” She tries to pull me to the center of the floor.
“In a bit,” I say, indicating the drink I’ve still got in my hand. I’ll need to have two or three before I forget Aaron’s lips on mine.
I sit at the girls’ table trying to push away the idea of his hands on me with the help of a little alcohol, but Patrick is right there to chastise me.
“Hey, what the heck happened to you and Aaron? I was starting to get worried.”
I feel a drop of sweat run down my back.
“I, uh, I was running late at school.”
“Take it easy with that stuff,” he continues, making reference to the glass of booze I just downed in half a gulp, burning my throat and confusing my thoughts, but not doing enough yet to stop me feeling his eyes on my body, undressing me. Seeing through my mask and imagining me without my clothes.
“Is this a party or isn’t it?” I say. “Nobody’s driving tonight. Don’t we have a car with a driver just for us?”
“Yes, you do, as asked for by my old lady,” Patrick says with a smile.
“When did it happen, Patrick?”
“When did what happen?”
“When did you become so perfect?”
He breaks out laughing heartily.
“Hey, I’m far from it.”
“And yet it seems like you’ve become a dream guy. A real Prince Charming.”
“What, me? Nah… it’s just… look at her, Ciara,” he says, indicating Erin.
Seeing the way Patrick looks at Erin I can’t help but smile, aware of how huge their feelings for each other are.
Then, from the corner of my eye, I see Aaron watching the same scene but I don’t see a trace of tenderness or happiness in his eyes. All I find there is detachment, disquietude even, as if he is unable to let himself really feel the emotions, as if the scene playing out before him isn’t real.
As if he doesn’t believe in love.
And I ask myself why, where all this cynicism is coming from? This constant striving to avoid getting involved emotionally. I wish I could understand and help him somehow, but he doesn’t want me around.
He was very clear in telling me that what happened between us was as a result of a weakness, that it should never have occurred. He clearly doesn’t feel anything for me, apart from a fraternal sentiment which I have no use for.
“Hey Patrick!” Liam calls Patrick to the stage. “Let’s go play a few songs. Waddaya say?”
It seems they feel like playing tonight, so apparently we’ve got the full-service package.
The others come back to the table, eager to hear the boys’ performance. As if they didn’t hear them play every damned day.
They start the first song and I don’t pay it any attention. I’m lost in my thoughts and I don’t feel like looking at the stage because I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to hide what I’m feeling right now.
And then something happens.
If I’m so wrong (so wrong, so wrong) … How can you listen all night long? (night long, night long) … Now will it matter after I’m gone? … Because you never learn a goddamned thing.
And I turn to look at the stage just to see him looking at me, and the determination I see in his eyes shoots down every hope I had inside.
You’re just a sad song with nothing to say.
God, Aaron, is that what you really think?
So, go-go away, just go, run away.
Where am I supposed to go? I’ve been here waiting my whole life.
If you had any idea how much I’ve waited during these years, how often I’ve thought of your lips, your hands, and dreamt about you holding me in your arms. Just me.
How much I wished you would look at me just one damn time like you did tonight and not just like a girl whom you regard as a little sister. How many times have I compared you to others, looking for some little gest
ure in them that I recognize in you: a smile, a look… How many times I’ve taken a pass with those others because there is just no comparison with you.
If you only knew what I feel for you.
If only you could see what I’ve got in this damned heart of mine which has never really been able to be completely free and truly love anyone.
No one but you.
—
AARON
“What was that?”
Liam approaches me as soon as we step off the stage.
“Huh?”
“You understood me.”
“What the fuck are you saying? Just spit it out.”
Liam pulls my arm and drags me behind the bar counter, making a gesture for the others to clear out.
“What the hell do you want, Liam?”
“I want to know what you’re doing.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Aaron… I love you, you know that?”
And from the first words, I’m fearing the worst. When Liam starts up with emotional stuff there’s no escaping.
“What were you doing on the stage?”
“Playing music?”
“Okay. The problem is who you were playing for.”
“You’re drunk.”
“Dude, I’ve been through this myself. Have you forgotten?”
Jesus. I can’t be this transparent.
“Friend, sister…”
And yet, I am.
“What? What are you…”
“You’re gonna lie to me now? You wanna look me in the face and lie to me without scruples like we haven’t been through thick and thin together all these years?”
Perfect. Now he’s going to wield the word friendship.
“There’s nothing to lie about because there’s nothing to talk about.”
“What happened with her?”
“Her?” My eyes flash wide and a panic attack is knocking on my door.
“I’m starting to lose my patience here. I’m not a jackass. What’s the problem? Is it that she’s his sister?”
Holy God, how did we get to this point?
“There is no problem because there is absolutely nothing going on.”
“Okay. The other night, at dinner. You disappeared for hours, and so did she. And today you were really late and when you finally got here the distance between you seemed unnatural. Now, Patrick’s got his head completely into Erin and the others have their heads somewhere else too.”
“But not you, eh?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You don’t have your thoughts elsewhere just like they do?”
“Not so much that I couldn’t see what’s going on around me. She was with you the other night, wasn’t she?”
I nod and pour something really strong into my glass.
“And tonight?”
“What is this, the inquisition?”
“He made you swear too, isn’t that right?”
I snap my head up to look at him.
“‘Never with one of my sisters’, he told us. That was just some stupid bullshit between kids, Aaron. We’re grown up now. We’re all adults.”
“She isn’t.” I let it out and immediately regret it.
“She’s grown,” he insists. “In which case, you more than anyone should know that a sister is safe in the arms of a real friend.”
“Okay, that’s enough. There’s nothing going on between us, okay? Nothing.”
“If you say so… But I can see the way she’s looking at you and it’s not like a brother.”
And so saying, he points to the table where the girls are sitting, and I can see Ciara looking at me with her big eyes from behind her glass.
“It certainly didn’t start here tonight, my friend. We all know that Ciara has had a crush on you for years and that you enjoy having her around…”
“Stop it right now! She was just a little girl!”
“But she’s not a little girl anymore, Aaron. Now I know you do think about it.”
“No. No, I don’t think about it at all. I’m too old and screwed up. And she is young and… free.”
“As opposed to what?”
“As opposed to me! I’m a disaster. I’m a bit too old to be playing happy couple, for romance, for—”
“You’ve resolved everyone else’s problems and you’ve never thought about yourself in all of these years. Don’t you think the time has come to do so now? If your hesitation is about Rain, rest assured. I will never leave her. She is everything to me.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Well, break it down for me then.”
“It’s that I don’t think about it.”
“About what? About her?”
“About women in general,” I say through my teeth, giving him a furtive glance.
“Well then, Patrick was right! And I thought he was just trying to wind you up! Aaron, I can understand it if you’re attracted to men…”
I shake my head.
“For goodness’ sake, I’m not attracted to men. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have a hard time saying it. Honestly, I’ve never thought about having anyone, of having any kind of a relationship. These things aren’t for me.”
“But it seems like you’re getting the hang of it, though, aren’t you?”
Once again, my head snaps up to look at him. Am I seriously thinking about it? How the hell could this happen? When you realize that a person you’ve always had around you as a friend could be thought of in an entirely new way?”
“Can I ask you something?” I say.
“Shoot,” he says confidently, pouring himself a drink too.
“When did you understand that Rain was… When did you understand that she was the one?”
I’m not sure I really want to hear the answer, because this is my sister we’re talking about. But Liam is always discreet when he talks about their relationship, while still being sincere about it.
Liam shoots Rain a loving glance and a wink before answering me.
“I’ll tell you the truth, friend, I’ve always known—from the first time I saw her. But I was certain about it one day when I looked at her and my legs went weak. And from that moment I wasn’t able to look at anyone else in the same way, for no one else has the same effect on me. I don’t know if you can understand me…”
Huh. I wish I didn’t, I think, turning to look at her, and I have to grab onto the bar in order not to fall over.
When did all of this happen? How did it happen? Why am I realizing it only now? Where was I before?
Busy, weighed down, or too engaged in breaking down all chances for my personal happiness. And it’s not as if I feel much differently now.
My life is such a train wreck that sometimes it’s really difficult for me to make it through to the end of the day. I am always thinking about a million different things, weighed down by negative thoughts and the burden of the responsibility that I carry.
How could I ever give myself to someone? What do I have to offer another person? I’m not able to open up, to say how I feel, to talk about love or the future.
No, it’s not for me. I would ruin it all. Every hope, every dream.
I can’t do that to another person. I never would. I couldn’t drag another person into this disaster that I call my life.
No one.
Especially not her.
8
CIARA
We got home really late, all I know is that the first rays of light are already out and a bed is the only thing that could hold me up right now.
We all fall onto Erin and Patrick’s bed, completely wiped out. We drank like fish, or more accurately, Erin and I did, while Rain and Alex did not.
We did a pub crawl and ate the worst junk, did away with our coordinated outfits and gave Erin some sexy gifts. She laughed like crazy before giving us the full lowdown on how she planned to use each one of them.
It’s not like this kind of thing i
s shocking to me, but knowing she’s going to use these sex aids with my brother… yikes! I wonder how Aaron is able to live under the same roof with Liam and Rain.
Aaron.
Despite all the alcohol that replaced the blood in my veins tonight, I’m not able to forget his eyes and the solitude in his soul. Because I saw the loneliness in his eyes and he seemed so lost, so far off, that I wonder how he’s going to find his way back.
“Someone is pensive tonight,” Erin says, making fun of me. “Wanna let us in on it?”
“I have nothing to talk about. I don’t have a full sex life like you do.” I let the bitterness slip out and regret it immediately.
“Ah-ha! I knew there was someone on your radar!”
“Erin, nowadays you see love in every word,” Alex says, laughing.
“You don’t, then? All of you?” Erin kneels on the bed and then leans back, resting on the headboard and hugging a pillow.
“Oh, I’m exhausted, but not too tired to listen to a little spicy dirt.”
“There’s nothing spicy!” I huff a little too aggressively. “There’s not even any vanilla dirt to go with it!”
“Unrequited love?” Rain asks, laying down on her stomach with her head in her hands. “Tell us about it…”
“Have you ganged up against me?”
“Ciara, what are you saying? Of course not!” Alex interrupts, for she’s the politest of all of them. “You don’t have to tell us anything if you don’t feel like it, isn’t that right girls?” she admonishes.
“Of course,” Rain adds quickly with a guilty expression. “But if… uh, she wanted some advice—”
“Rain!” Alex cries.
“What? We’re all friends here, we’re all women, alone and prepared to gossip all night. Where’s the harm in that? Aren’t we your friends, Ciara?” she asks me with big doe eyes.
Friends, of course we’re friends. Oh God, it’s not like I pour my heart out to all of them, just with Erin, but Rain and Alex are good girls, and I feel comfortable around them.
“There isn’t much to say,” I start with hesitation. My thoughts are clouded and my mind foggy with alcohol. “He’s not interested. That’s it.”
