by A. S. Kelly
Aaron grabs my arm, forcing me to turn around and look at him. His touch burns my skin and lights every emotion that I’ve willfully tried to repress.
We look at each other for an eternal moment before his gaze transforms into something other than rage. I’ve already seen this expression and so far it hasn’t brought me any pleasure.
He jerks me back inside the bathroom and shuts the door behind us.
I shake my head because I’m confused and a bit frightened by his behavior. Aaron must have understood that he’s crossed a line because he gently lets go of his grip on my arm. He leans his back against the door and slowly slides down to the floor. He takes his head in his hands and closes his eyes, breathing with difficulty.
I kneel down next to him and try to free him from the vice-like grip of his own hands. He resists me at first but then lets himself go without much effort and I can see that he’s afraid, just like he was that night on the roof.
“Everything is fine,” I whisper to him, caressing his beard as he continues to take in deep breaths, which only appear to make the situation worse.
“It’s just a panic attack,” I tell him. “It will pass in a few minutes.”
“My heart…” he pants, touching his chest.
“It’s not your heart.” I smile at him, covering his hand with my own.
“It seems like it’s going to jump out of my ribcage.”
“It’s just anxiety, it’s almost over. Keep breathing.”
He tries but it seems like he’s not able to. His face becomes pale and from the look in his eyes I can see that he’s losing his ability to focus.
I caress his nape sweetly and I invite him to lean against me, on my chest, on my heart, which seems to be going just as crazy as his is, if not more so.
He let’s himself go to me and I relax in the kneeling position. We stay like that in silence for a few minutes and the only sound that can be heard is that of our own hearts and labored breathing, even if each of us has different reasons for our distress. I can hear distorted noises coming from the bar in the background but pay them no attention.
Aaron cuddles between my shoulder and my neck, his breath tickles my skin as it slowly begins to return to normal. His forehead is covered in sweat but his body is trembling as if he’s cold.
I squeeze him in my arms with a bit of difficulty, given his imposing stature, and I start to cuddle him sweetly, hoping it will be enough to calm him.
He lifts his gaze at the same time as I lower mine in time to see that his eyes are finally going back to a calm normality.
Our lips almost graze one another.
One more breath would be enough, just one more.
I try to fill in that shiver of excitement that I feel instead of throwing myself at him like I did in the car the other night. I also have a little bit of dignity and I don’t want to make myself seem ridiculous in his eyes.
“I don’t understand what’s happening to me,” Aaron says, crushing this moment.
“It’s just anxiety. Perhaps you are really stressed out for some reason at the moment and your body is sending you some alarm signals.”
He moves away from me and leans his back once again against the door.
“I’m sorry that you always catch me in my worst moments.”
I smile at him.
“Ciara… first of all—”
“You don’t have to say anything.”
“I don’t know what came over me. I saw that guy there with you and I lost control.”
“Aaron—”
“Come on, have you seen that guy? He’s a puppet, a fucking jackass… What are you doing with a guy like that?”
“He’s a friend.”
“A friend? Judging by how he was eating you with his eyes I wouldn’t say he shares your opinion of the situation.”
“Even if you were right, Aaron, it wouldn’t be any of your business. I am none of your business.”
The effect of his words on me has been like a cold shower and I get to my feet and turn away, resting my hands on the sink. Aaron jumps up too, just a step behind me.
“Ciara—”
“Don’t do it. If you really don’t want me, then don’t do it. Don’t play around with me.”
“I’m not playing. I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing, believe me.”
“Whatever it is, you need to knock it off right away.”
Aaron lowers his head and stands silently behind me as I watch his reflection in the mirror. I sigh and turn around to face him with the intention of leaving and this time he doesn’t stop me. When I open the door I can hear him mutter in such a low voice that it barely registers: “I can’t have you, but I don’t want you to have anyone else. What I’m saying doesn’t make any sense, I realize that, but the very idea that someone else could even touch you drives me out of my mind, Ciara.”
“Well, that’s not my problem,” I reply drily, without turning around and biting my lip to avoid the tears.
His words and his actions are fighting it out between themselves. It’s dragging me down into a spiral of heavy sighs, sleepless nights and days spent dreaming with open eyes.
But I’m not a little girl anymore and I can’t allow myself to be pulled down into this senseless vortex.
I have to make a clean break from this shit, right now.
I have to bury this feeling I have by any means necessary before he drowns me.
—
AARON
Ciara takes off, leaving me alone in the bathroom. I’ve put up a hell of a scene. I spoke to her like a possessive, jealous idiot, as if I had some say over her actions, as if she is an important part of my life.
No. It can’t be like this.
I can’t have gone this crazy.
And as if that weren’t enough, I had another breakdown. A panic attack, she says. Maybe that’s really what it is. I am too stressed out and perhaps this is why I am completely out of control. I need to calm down before I really do some damage, before I keep trampling all over her heart without caring.
I leave the bathroom after a few minutes but I’m not able to go back out there. I can’t face seeing her with him.
And what if he kisses her? What if he touches her? My God, what if he takes her home with him?
The idea of her with him or any other damn jackass sends me right back into the same panic, so much so that I have to hold myself up against the wall because my legs will not support me at this point.
“Hey,” Jay says, coming towards me. “What’s happened to you?”
“I’m fine.”
“Doesn’t look like it, my friend.”
“Get off my ass, Jay!”
“Don’t take it out on me, now. You created this trouble for yourself.”
“There you guys are! We’re ready to go.” Patrick’s voice interrupts us.
Go? Crap, I forgot. This godforsaken stag party.
“I’ll wait for you guys outside,” I say, heading out the back door.
I could never walk across the room and face seeing them together again because this time, I wouldn’t be able to limit myself to sneering and threatening words. This time I would throw her over my shoulder like a damned caveman and I’d bring her away with me, in my house, in my room, in my bed.
And I wouldn’t let her leave again.
•••
Just to shake things up, we’ve decided to go to a pub. Okay, it’s not a dive like ours is, it’s a club in the city around Temple Bar, where they play live music all night.
“Don’t you think we’re exaggerating?” Jay says with a raised eyebrow.
“Wasn’t this the whole point?”
I’m not in the mood to celebrate anything, to give Patrick a heartfelt slap on the back or make fun of him because he’s going to be tied down. My morale is in the toilet right now and my head is full of dark, distorted thoughts and I have a heart that won’t stop pounding against my ribs.
I need something to shake me up, somethin
g strong and mind-boggling, but all the alcohol in this world wouldn’t be enough to erase that scene from my mind. The same holds true for all the drugs in this world put together.
And I hope you’re thinking of me… As you lay down on your side… Now the drugs don’t work… They just make you worse… But I know I’ll see your face again.
I break out laughing, one of those hysterical, senseless outbursts. I laugh at the song which is making fun of me, I laugh at my own obsession, I laugh at my own weak heart.
It’s amazing how music always has the ability to shadow your mood. There’s a perfect song for every moment in life.
This is mine.
Fucking band, I hope they burn in hell.
Now the drugs don’t work… They just make you worse… But I know I’ll see your face again.
The only thing I wanted to do tonight was to fall into a drunken stupor and possibly lose my senses, but it seems that I’m getting just the opposite experience. Instead of forgetting about her, it feels like I’ve got her right here, in front of my eyes.
I see her painting with her whole body. I see her laughing till it hurts. I see her as she’s dancing in the pub or hitting out at her brother to knock some sense into him. I see her as she watches me, and while hiding herself she blushes at my words. I can see her the moment before her lips touch mine… I see her and I can almost feel her too—to feel that light and delicate touch that awakes every emotion and desire in me.
“Somebody’s pensive tonight,” Patrick says, making fun of me and the only reason I don’t punch him on the nose is because he has to marry Erin and she’d be upset about it. “I was just thinking… By now, you’re the only one of us left.”
I look at him sideways.
“Well, yeah… you need to find a woman.”
A woman? He doesn’t even know what he’s talking about.
My God, if only he did know.
“How long has it been since you’ve—”
“It’s none of your fucking business.” I stop him short.
“Oh, come on, it’s just us, you can tell me.”
“Maybe I just don’t feel like it.”
“Have you at least… uh, you know, improved things in the last few weeks?”
Weeks? Jesus, he has no idea of the situation I’m going through.
“We haven’t seen anyone hanging around lately.”
“Well that doesn’t mean that there hasn’t been anyone.”
“Well then, has there? Do you have someone?” he persists.
“Why don’t you concentrate on the fact that you’ll be getting married in a few hours and you’ll never sleep with another woman again?”
By this point, I’m slurring.
“Who told you that’s a bad thing? I’ve found the best woman in the world, so I couldn’t even think about being with someone else.”
Oh, that’s perfect. Just what I needed, a lesson about eternal love.
“How long?” Jay asks, suddenly interested in our conversation.
“How long, what?”
“How long has it been since you’ve been with someone.”
“You all know that I don’t have relationships.”
“What Jay the Puritan is trying to ascertain is how long it’s been since you’ve been laid,” Patrick helps to clarify things.
How long has it been since I’ve been with a woman?
I choke on my own saliva.
“Gather up your courage and spit it out, my friend. What is it, a few weeks?” Patrick asks.
I don’t look at them, I’m not able to.
“Months?” Liam dares.
I keep on looking at my empty glass in a silence that falls over us and exposes me at the table as the odd one out.
“Not years?” Patrick blurts. He jumps to his feet. “You haven’t been laid in a year?” he yells so loudly that people at the other tables can hear.
I don’t answer, lowering my head to shoulders.
“Aaron…” Liam says, lowering his voice. “How long?”
“Is this really important?” I ask with my head down. “Is my sex life really this important?”
Liam puts a hand on my arm. “We’re just worried about you, Buddy.”
“Worried because I don’t sleep around?”
“No, pal, we’re worried because you are alone.”
His words slam the doors in my mind like a sharp wind.
Alone.
I’m alone.
I’ve always been alone.
I order another round and when the waiter arrives with our beer I down mine in one gulp.
They are all still watching me.
I gather up my courage.
“More or less.”
“More or less, what?” Patrick asks with narrow eyes.
“More or less a year since I’ve been with a woman, alright?”
There, I said it. Happy now?
I haven’t had any kind of relationship with a woman in about a year. Haven’t met anyone new. No dates. No sex. No contact.
Have I had a choice? I think I have. It wasn’t like I had a plan to become chaste, I just wanted to keep my distance from having a relationship. I didn’t feel like I was able to face something so uncertain and potentially destructive. There was the car accident and all of the care and therapy that went into it after that, taking care of the pub. Yes, I have allowed myself to flirt at times, short coming-togethers, but then everything came to a halt.
“But why, Aaron?” Jay asks.
I shrug. “I’ve been busy.”
“So busy you couldn’t even pull off a one-night stand?” Patrick enquires.
“Well, I guess not everyone is like you, okay? I wasn’t interested in that kind of thing.”
I thought my friends would have gone to town making fun of me, that there would have been howls of laughter and jokes in poor taste. Instead, the only thing I see right now are worried looks.
“Come on, don’t look at me like that. It’s not a big deal.”
“We’re just worried about you.”
“No need, Liam, I’m fine.”
I was fine.
I had forgotten what it meant to hold someone in my arms and to breathe her in. I forgot what just touching a woman can do to your insides. I had forgotten that my heart was there first and that she set out to find it insistently. I had forgotten what it feels like to love or to be loved. I forgot about everything and it suited me just fine until she brought it all back to me, making me want those things that I can’t have.
She has brought light to my darkness and now I don’t know that I’ll be able to go back to living in the night. I don’t know if I want to.
And this thing is killing me slowly.
12
CIARA
The wedding will be tomorrow and today everyone is rushing around because we all have so much to take care of. The pub will be closed for three days, which is quite a rarity, I’d say, because they usually never close, not even at holiday time. But this is a family wedding and we’re all involved in it and it will do both the boys and the girls good to unplug for a few days to concentrate on this event and for the pleasure of being together.
Last night after the pub closed, we girls went home and passed out after a hard day of work. Aaron didn’t come home to sleep, Jay is the one on duty and I barely saw him. He spent the whole night locked away with Alex and how could I blame him for that?
Rain, Erin and I divided up the bride’s room, dreaming with her about her big day and living in the reflection of her happiness.
Lily, Erin’s daughter, stayed at home with Erin’s mother, who is taking care of her for these next few days and will continue to do so during their short honeymoon. They have allowed themselves just five days in Spain. They aren’t able to pull themselves away from her for any longer than that. Then, they say, they might have another trip in the summer time with the baby.
This morning we’ve got the last fitting. I go to the little room that’s been se
t aside for me to try on my bridesmaid dress. It’s a pink floor-length, sleeveless satin dress without much pomp, but it’s elegant in its simplicity. I have to hand it to Erin, she’s got good taste.
And wow, what can I say about her dress? When she comes out of the changing room and looks at herself in the mirror, Rain and Alex break out crying, watching her with dreamy eyes. I am too, not that I’m considering marriage, I’m too young for that. But some day… Who knows?
Erin is stunning, but then again, she always has been. She’s got some sophisticated and at the same time natural, traits. She’s both proud and confident as she turns her shoulders to look from behind, which totally exposes her back.
She’s able to pull off elegant, simple and sexy all together and she has that light in her eyes, that happiness that radiates from every look and movement she makes.
Good grief, I hope my brother realizes how lucky he is.
“Darling, you’re beautiful. Breathtaking!” Erin tells me, observing me carefully.
“You’re beautiful, Erin. Patrick’s gonna go nuts when he sees you.” And knowing him, I doubt he’ll be able to make it to the reception without putting his hands on her first.
“And someone will go crazy when he sees you,” Rain says, winking at me.
I turn to the mirror to take another look. It’s true, I look pretty good. The dress drapes well over my body, caressing my shape and highlighting it in all the right places. And with my hair pulled back, as planned, I’ll have a sort of regal and more mature appearance, despite being striped. I know Erin doesn’t approve of my hot pink highlights, but I wouldn’t give them up even for my own wedding.
“You’ll be beautiful, you always are,” Alex says, smiling from behind me. “It won’t be possible for him to avoid noticing you,” she whispers discreetly in my ear and I sure hope she’s right.
You know, a little bit.
Aaron and I haven’t spoken since our encounter at the pub. After what happened with Mark there I don’t think he’ll get close to me ever again, with the obvious exception of the wedding tomorrow. He’ll be the one walking me down the aisle.
I don’t know if I should fake a contagious disease or sob like a baby and beg Erin to switch me with someone else.
