Lost Days (Four Days Book 4)

by A. S. Kelly

  I kiss her cheek chastely, provoking a spasm in my chest because it’s in conflict with what I’d like to do: which is to throw myself on her lips and bite them until she begs me for mercy.

  I would like to avoid this damned wedding, take her in my arms and bring her to my room and make love to her. All day and all night. Love her with my whole self, to give her everything I have in my power, and keep her with me forever because I do not believe that I could feel this way for any other person.

  What I feel now… is love.

  Fuck.

  Love has blinded me and made me fall. It’s found me and although I tried to take a few punches it’s gotten the better of me.

  I don’t know that I have the strength to fight it, if I’ll be able to avoid falling too far to save both of us from this disaster.

  Because she is looking at me and I know that she can read me like a book.

  I know that she has understood.

  She’s understood that I am hopelessly crazy about her.

  14

  CIARA

  We get into the car in silent embarrassment. Aaron helps me in, offering his hand and adjusting my dress. I smile at him in thanks but I’m not able to say anything.

  Then we spend thirty minutes in the car without saying a word, almost without breathing, in fear that any sounds in doing so would reveal the emotions each of us is trying to hide away from ourselves.

  I saw it in his eyes. It was there. It wasn’t just in response to the way I looked: my gown, the hair… It was something more than that, deeper, more intimate and utterly undeniable.

  And he must have seen in me all of the thoughts that torment my mind and my heart because I don’t think I’m able to hide it that well. I realize of course that I’m going to have to try because everyone will be there, all of the families and friends and I wouldn’t want to create a diplomatic scene at my brother’s wedding.

  We park in a spot that has been reserved for us. It’s a beautiful place. There’s a hotel immersed in the green hillside of Meath, far from the city, and the chaos of the world. We are surrounded by green manicured gardens and trees in bloom festooned with long heavy branches where the light struggles to pass through. Let it struggle, I think, for it never normally has the courage to come out, but today is different. I’m sure the sunlight came out for Erin, certainly not for that jerk of a brother of mine.

  Liam accompanies me to the room on the first floor where Erin is waiting for her moment to make her entrance. Rain and Alex are in a sea of tears while Erin is smiling excitedly.

  I go to her and she takes my hands in hers. She studies them a moment and when she realizes there’s still a dab of paint-stain there she lets out a little smile. I turn red and lower my head but she grabs my chin with her fingers and lifts it.

  “Don’t do that, Ciara. Don’t ever lower your head. You are beautiful and one of a kind, and don’t you forget it.”

  “You’re the one who is one of a kind, Erin,” I tell her with tears that threaten to spill over and ruin my make-up. “How do you manage it? How are you so calm when we’re all freaking out here? Why are you not in a panic?”

  She smiles. “I always wanted to have a big family, you know. And Patrick is making all of my dreams come true. Now I’ve got these people around me and they love me, and it’s all due to him. I’m just happy.”

  She hugs me affectionately before someone interrupts us.

  “Are you ready?” her father asks sweetly.

  She takes a breath and nods.

  We adjust her dress and we look ourselves over and precede her downstairs.

  The ceremony will be outside in the garden of the hotel under a special marquee that’s been put up for the occasion. A white carpet delineates the path we will walk before arriving at an arch covered in pink flowers, where the celebrant is anxiously waiting.

  Patrick is already there next to him. He keeps running his hand nervously over his shaved head, overwhelmed with emotion. Liam, Jay and Aaron are waiting at the beginning of the walk to lead us to the altar.

  Liam and Rain go first. The guests, who are seated on white chairs with pink ribbons, come to their feet ecstatically to admire them: they make a splendid couple.

  Alex and Jay follow close behind them. Alex is even more emotional than Rain is. She’s very sensitive and she’s happy for the bride and groom. Jay leans over and kisses her face, concerned and loving as always and my heart feels a pang.

  “Ready?” Aaron smiles at me, and I can tell he’s a bit shaky too. He hasn’t stopped fidgeting with his tie for one second.

  I take the hand that he keeps touching his throat with and I squeeze it in mine. He looks at me in surprise and I smile and say, “Relax, it’s going to go well.”

  He inhales and nods gratefully then takes my arm and we begin walking.

  I smile at my mother who is shedding tears like a fountain and who is next to Erin’s mother with Lily on her lap. The child is adorable in her matching pink dress.

  As we stand before the altar Aaron takes my hand and kisses it lightly, burning my skin. He looks at me with such vividness that it’s hard for me to break away and take my place with the other girls.

  When Erin makes her entrance, there is an audible level of murmuring and crying and all eyes are on her, her smile and her pride. I, on the other hand, look at my brother, who is crying like I’ve never seen a man cry in my life and Aaron keeps a soothing hand on his shoulder.

  I’m able to follow very little of the actual ceremony, as I am enraptured by the sight of Erin and Patrick, who look each other in the eyes and promise one another eternal love and I believe it because they do love each other truly and completely and nothing could make them doubt what they feel for each other.

  I let my eyes slide over Aaron for a minute in time to catch him looking at me and something inside me turns on. He’s looking at me like he never has done before. It’s not anxiety, nor anguish or even desire. It’s something more, something that comes from his soul and that pulls me in like a hurricane, leaving me breathless and with nowhere to go.

  I return his gaze and maintain that unexpected contact that I’ve dreamt of. Neither of us is able to break away. No one wants to renounce their need to stay just as we are.

  And I understand that all this man needs is someone to love him and protect him, just as he’s always done with everyone else.

  Someone who loves him, heart and soul, who will not ever abandon him. Because he is a lost man, drifting and fighting a battle against himself and against his own desire to just live what he’s feeling.

  —

  AARON

  I sit alone at the table for the groomsmen. The others have gone off to dance. Patrick is uncontainable—he’s got an energy and a will to live sprouting from his every movement, his every look.

  He’s incredibly happy and I’m damned desperate.

  I take the tie off finally and throw it away with a wave of irritation. By now, everyone is high on drink and happiness and no one takes any notice of me.

  The ceremony was long and heartbreaking, full of words of love and promises, all promises that I’ll never make and that no one will ever make to me.

  I saw the guys filled with emotion and the girls on the verge of an unprecedented emotional crisis.

  I saw her.

  I felt like I was dying.

  Dying from this sentiment that I can’t approve of and that won’t lead to anything good.

  She also looked at me and I’m sure she read me and knows just what I’m feeling, yet I should not be. I fell for it again, I let myself look at her and let myself get wrapped up again in that light that I now recognize I will be hopelessly lost without. But I know that it’s the right thing to do, to deny myself.

  Dinner was a nightmare. I know I shouldn’t say that. After all it’s a wedding and I should be positive, but I just can’t pull it off. Looking at her in front of me as she chats with the girls, making fun of her brother, while she was simply being
herself. It was slow agony that dragged me by the scalp towards the madness.

  Because I want her desperately.

  Now.

  And I can’t find the strength to renounce her.

  Ciara is dancing with one of her brothers. Everyone is dancing all around her but, Jesus, she’s able to blur out anything and anyone within a fifty-meter radius.

  How in God’s name, have I managed to get myself into this situation?

  Jay comes back to the table to get another drink. Everyone’s drinking tonight and the majority of the guests will sleep here, but not me. I’ll be going home, alone, as usual.

  “Not dancing?” Jay asks.

  “No thank you.”

  He sits next to me and sighs. One of those sighs that is a preamble to a paternal speech.

  “Can I tell you what I think?”

  “Don’t you always?”

  He nods and takes another sip from his glass before hitting me with it.

  “You know what I see?”

  “Illuminate me,” I reply sarcastically.

  “I see everyone happy. For once, for one fucking time, all of them are happy.”

  “Good for them.”

  “Why can’t you be?”

  “Are you asking me for a list of reasons?”

  “Can’t you just allow yourself to let go of what you’ve got a death grip on?”

  “And what if I really did? What would happen? If I lower my guard, if—”

  “Whatever happens, Aaron, you know that we’ll make it. Together. But you, my friend, are alone, and you…”

  “What? What, Jay?”

  “You have a desperate need to be loved.”

  “I have you.”

  “You are intentionally misunderstanding me.”

  “No one… No one is able to love someone like me.”

  “How come? What’s so terrible about you?”

  “That train has already left the station for me.”

  “If you are referring to—”

  “Don’t say her name.”

  “Alright, if it makes you feel better, I won’t. But hiding isn’t going to help you.”

  I look at him sideways as he starts down a winding path full of potholes. I could bury him there if he doesn’t stop digging up the past.

  “Years have passed.”

  “The situation hasn’t changed. Or rather, it has changed, for the worse.”

  “She’s not like the others. She would never go away.”

  “Do you think I don’t know that?” I yell, getting to my feet. “Do you think it hasn’t dawned on me? I’ve known her forever, I’m fully aware of how wonderful she is and that’s just the reason that she should keep away from me.”

  “Aaron—”

  “No, Jay. I don’t have anything else to add.”

  “Give yourself this chance.”

  “I can’t,” I whisper. “I can’t do that to her.”

  “You’re not doing it to her, my friend. You’re doing it to yourself. The only person you’re making suffer is yourself.”

  “It’s better like that. I can take it.”

  “No one can.”

  “I don’t have any other choice,” I conclude before walking away from the table, from Jay and his words that only serve to dig up what shouldn’t be brought to light.

  I am alone. I have been left alone. I must remain alone. I don’t have the courage or the energy to risk it all.

  To lose it all.

  I can’t bear losing her.

  15

  CIARA

  After having danced for hours with every male guest present at this event, I go back to the table with the girls and the happiest bride on God’s green earth.

  The guys have taken the stage and it appears Patrick wants to dedicate a song to his Erin.

  I have a drink to cool myself off and also to swirl my mind a little because when Aaron goes on stage it’s with great effort that I’m able to anchor my thoughts to reality.

  Patrick takes the mic, clears his throat and addresses Erin:

  “I cannot believe that you’ve really done it, Erin. That you’ve become my wife today and that you’ve given me the greatest gift that life could offer: little Lily. I was a man who didn’t know how to love, that would not have recognized love if it had punched him on the nose. And yet, it was enough just having you nearby, living for your smile, to understand that I was wrong about everything before that, that the only thing that I really needed was just that: love. To love and to be loved, was all that I wanted. Thank you for believing that there was something else inside of me, thank you for your smiles that you give me every day and thank you most of all for having become that person for me.”

  Rain, sitting next to me, quickly wipes away at her eyes, Alex smiles, moved by the speech, and Erin sends Patrick a kiss from the table. I sigh with emotion and happiness for them and refocus my attention on the stage.

  Aaron is seated at the drum kit. He’s taken off his tie, his vest and the jacket and has his sleeves rolled up, exposing his tense, muscular forearms as he holds the sticks in his hands. He does not look up, he just stares at the drumsticks until the music begins and lets himself be transported by the emotion that the music brings. I can see that song is able to calm him, to bring him someplace where he feels safe and is able to be himself, with his vulnerability and insecurities.

  Even if Patrick chose this song to dedicate to Erin, and even though Liam is the one singing because he’s the only competent singer in the band, I can feel the words run over my skin, taking possession of every part of me.

  All I want is nothing more… To hear you knocking at my door… ’Cause if I could see your face once more… I could die a happy man I’m sure.

  I allow myself to look at him, I allow myself to get lost in him and let myself be pulled into the darkness and solitude of his heart that only needs a bit of warming and to be kept in safe keeping.

  All I want is… And all I need is… To find somebody… I’ll find somebody like you.

  If only he wanted to, if only he would give me a sign, even a small one, I could be that person for him. I know I could. I’m sure of it. And I’m also sure that deep down, he knows it too because of the way he looks at me with sad, lost eyes—I understand that he’d like to be with me, that he wants it with all of his heart, but that he won’t allow himself a chance at happiness.

  I could make him happy.

  I’m young, it’s true, but I would know how to support him and stand by him.

  I’d know how to love him.

  So you brought out the best of me… A part of me I’ve never seen.

  I’ve seen that part of him many times. I know it’s in there alright, scared and hidden, but I can bring it to the light, I can breathe new life into it.

  If only he would allow me the possibility of getting close to his heart.

  —

  AARON

  After having accompanied Patrick in his personal dedication to Erin I feel even emptier and more desperate. I couldn’t help looking at Ciara because I felt the words running through me as if I had written them myself.

  For her.

  I lean against the wall and massage my temples with my fingers: my head feels like it’s going to explode, my thoughts will not give me peace and the image of her walking down the staircase is hitting me hard, repeatedly without mercy.

  “Hey, you’re here!” Erin comes happily towards me with Patrick in tow. “We’re gathering up all the bridesmaids and groomsmen for a dance.”

  A dance? With her? No way.

  “You know I don’t dance.”

  “You are going to tell a bride no on the most important day of her life?” She looks accusingly at me with a raised eyebrow.

  I’m completely fucked.

  “Of course not,” I concede. I can’t reason with Erin under normal circumstances, let alone deal with special wedding-day blackmail.

  “Come on, Ciara’s waiting for you,” she says and gives me
a wink, smiling at me with satisfaction. I sure as hell hope that she’s not…

  Oh Jesus, is this already in the public arena?

  “And keep your hands where I can see ’em!” Patrick says, pointing a finger at me. And even though I know he’s joking it takes off five, maybe seven years of my life maintaining eye contact with him and digging up some semblance of a smile.

  I cross the floor where an embarrassed Ciara is nervously waiting for her prince. She’s biting her lip and I give her a forced smile, and make a silent appeal to my self control not to abandon me and to not let me fall into another panic attack right now, because that’s what it feels like is going to happen.

  I touch her hand and bring it to my shoulder while the other gently squeezes her waist, drawing her slightly closer to me.

  I keep my eyes downcast because if I were to look at her now I swear I wouldn’t be able to do anything else for the rest of my life.

  Look at her, admire her and… love her.

  Wherever you are… Well, know that I adore you.

  My God, I’ve never asked you for anything and I’ve publicly declared on more than one occasion that I do not believe in you. Let this be the moment you make me eat it—please show me that I was wrong.

  And if ever you need someone… Well, not that you need helping… But if ever you want someone… I know that I am willing.

  I breathe.

  I look up.

  And give in.

  Oh, and I don’t want to change you… I don’t want to change you… I don’t want to change your mind.

  Ciara is simply marvelous, so sincere and utterly transparent that I can read everything in those big eyes of hers. I recognize the sentiment because I feel it too, on my skin and in my heart.

  For her.

  Because she’s wonderful and I ask myself how I didn’t realize it before now.

  Unaware, I hold her waist tighter and draw her closer to me, resting my forehead against hers and her warm breath is like a caress on my lips, which I bite to avoid total collapse, to not rush towards her mouth right here in front of everyone and starting a civil war at this wedding party.