by A. S. Kelly
I close my eyes and forget about the world.
I don’t think about Patrick who could choke me any second. I don’t think about the people who are no longer with us. I don’t think about the one who abandoned me. I don’t think about family problems.
I close my eyes and let myself go.
To her.
I give myself this moment, for me, and for her. This nearness, this sweetness.
I close my eyes and allow myself to dream, just for three minutes—the duration of this song—that she and I could have a future together, that this love that I feel is healthy and right, that it won’t lead to our mutual destruction and inevitable harm that we will cause each other.
I permit myself this little fantasy, just one, cradled in the music and her breath that infuses with mine.
I can dream.
Just this once.
16
CIARA
When he grabs me tighter, pulling me closer to his hot body, I lose myself completely in him.
I lift my eyes and meet his and I swear I can read it all. His eyes are wide, alive and… dreamy.
He is dreaming about me.
Then he closes them and rests his forehead against mine, sighing right in my face. It’s a heartbreaking, sigh full of suffering and it makes me realize how hard he is fighting between his desire to let himself go with me and the one to distance himself from me forever.
And, by the way he’s holding me, sweet and at the same time desperate, I understand that he feels everything, everything that’s swirling around his heart. I know he’s just a step away from giving in and letting me in.
He bites his lip forcefully as if he is trying to hold back with all his might, as if he is fighting against something bigger than him that is struggling to make its way to the light of day. It’s something that terrorizes him to death and that he’s not used to dealing with. Something he’s not able to control and Aaron doesn’t like feeling that way, being a slave to his emotions.
The song ends, three intense minutes suffered on the dance floor, where hope returns to take me for a spin, this hope that is insistent and ingenuous; but the second the last note sounds and everyone stops playing, Aaron steps away from me, immediately, as if my presence provoked an unbearable pain in him, very similar to the one I feel as he turns his back on me and walks away from the dance floor, leaving me alone and vulnerable with my nerves bare and raw and feeling as if I have an incurable wound on my skin.
I watch him walk away quickly and I lower my head, afraid of showing my pain to the others which I am unable to hide now. I walk away too with my head down, feeling short of breath and I sit down at our table. Rain comes to me, discreetly as she usually does, and sits close by, taking my hand and lovingly squeezing my fingers. I lift my eyes just slightly and smile at her, thankful for her compassion.
“You have to understand him,” she whispers, resting her head next to mine. “He’s not good at these things. He feels like a fish out of water. He hadn’t planned on that.”
“What hadn’t he planned on?”
“You,” she says, smiling tenderly.
I look at her doubtfully.
“You weren’t in his plans, Ciara. Aaron isn’t good with things that upset the balance, change the cards on the table. Unpredictability. He is used to everything being calculated, all detailed and he’s not used to being out of control. He’s not ready.”
“I guess he never will be,” I say, drinking a sip of wine to relax.
“Don’t be so sure. Put your faith in him and you’ll see he’ll come around.”
I’m not sure at all about that and I’m not sure I want to go on waiting. My heart certainly doesn’t want to give him up.
I turn my head and see Erin and Patrick still entwined on the dance floor and I sigh in resignation.
I wish I could have what they have, to feel the love of someone next to me, to feel loved even half as much as the way Patrick loves Erin.
But I’m starting to think that Aaron really will never be ready to take the leap and this sentiment I insist that I see in his eyes is just the fruit of my imagination.
Just another one of my dreams.
Even if I’m not ready to wake up yet.
—
AARON
I get in the car after the reception, which seems like it went on forever. The other guys are sleeping in a hotel. They want a night out, and who could blame them. I don’t have a reason to stay out and no one to share this night with.
Not tonight, not ever.
I turn the car’s engine on ready to leave the car par when the passenger side door opens and Ciara gets in and sits down beside me and shuts it.
“What are you doing here?” I ask her.
“I need a lift.”
Absolutely not. No, no, no.
“What are you trying to do, Ciara?”
“We came here together, remember?”
“That doesn’t mean that we’re leaving together.”
“Abandoned at the end of the night by the person charged with accompanying me. Huh, that’s never happened before.”
“You should go home with your family.”
“The car’s full.”
“Fine. Then I’ll take you to them.”
“Aaron—”
“You are not coming home with me.”
“I am my brother’s guest.”
“And he won’t be home tonight. No one is sleeping at home tonight, just me.”
“It’s not a problem for me.”
“Well it is for me.”
Ciara whips round to look me in the eyes. Her face is covered in disappointment and suffering. I’ve hurt her again but it’s all I can do. Hurt her, humiliate her if necessary. I have to do anything so as not to let her get close.
“All my stuff is there.”
“You can do without it for one night.”
“Why are you being so tough with me? Are you punishing me, by any chance?”
My God, am I?
“No Ciara.” I exhale tightly, gripping the steering wheel. “I didn’t want to hurt you, I’m sorry. I’m just trying to—”
“Keep your distance from me, I got it. I’m not a jackass.”
“I never thought you were.”
“Well, of course not. You just think I’m a little girl.”
“You know I didn’t mean it when I said that. I was just trying to keep you safe.”
“Safe? From what?”
I sigh before gathering my courage to look at her and tell her what I feel, because she deserves the truth and not these flimsy excuses.
“From me. I’m trying to protect you from me.”
I turn to face her completely and take one of her hands in mine. I understand immediately that I should not have done that—just making contact with her skin weakens my resolve, something that I really need right now.
“You can’t come into my life. You can’t feel certain things for me.”
“Because I’m young and immature?”
“No, not for that reason. You are young and that’s a fact. You have your whole life ahead of you. I’m thirty-four and have reached a point of no return. I am empty, depressed and harmful. I’m harmful for you.”
“Aaron…” She tries to touch my face but I pull back. She is frozen with her hand in midair before closing it into a fist and letting it fall to her lap.
“I am not good for you, don’t you understand that?” I go on desperately. “I’m a mess, my life is a total failure and you… you can’t have a part of this. Not now, not in the future.”
All I hear after my words is the sound of the car door slamming and the scream of my heart begging the love of my life to come back and not to abandon me.
17
CIARA
I close the car door behind me and walk away quickly. All that I feel, other than a big pain in my chest, are the tears that fall, burning my face.
I go back to the hotel to ask them to call me a taxi to go back t
o my family’s house. No one is left hanging around and I don’t want to bother anyone to ask for a ride. I’ll get my things tomorrow, or maybe I’ll just forget about them.
The wait is short, less than ten minutes. I get in the car and tell the driver the address and flop in the back seat with profound sadness. I look out the window as we drive away from this dream place that bore witness to so much love and happiness today. I think back to their smiles and the way they looked at each other, I think back to that song:
All I want is nothing more… To hear you knocking at my door…
I sit up straight in the seat.
I cannot throw in the towel like this.
He needs me.
I will not abandon him.
•••
The taxi driver leaves me in front of their gate before the house. They always leave it open.
I go to the door, hesitating and terrorized because I don’t know how he’s going to take my just showing up here. All the lights are off, even the ones in his room. I knock at the door. I have Erin’s keys with me but I put them in my purse before leaving and I don’t want to use them. I don’t want to invade his privacy and impose my presence if he really doesn’t want me here.
I knock again. I keep my ear to the door and all I hear is a big fat silence.
I’m about to turn around and go when I hear something, like a cry, a sob.
Shit.
I dig in my purse for the key. I slide it in the door and open it briskly. The darkness swallows me, as does a sensation of desolation and solitude. I enter the kitchen and go around the worktop to find him curled up on the floor with a bottle in his hands and a bunch of pills all over the floor.
I approach him calmly even if I’m terrified inside. I kneel down and start to pick up the pills strewn on the floor. I put them back in the bottle and read the label: sedatives.
“I didn’t take any, in case you were wondering,” he says in a whisper.
I let my breath go and relax a bit.
“You shouldn’t be here. This is the last place you should be, Ciara.”
“This is the only place I want to be,” I say with decision.
He looks at me for a second before returning his gaze to the emptiness before him.
“You were so beautiful today,” he whispers.
“What’s that?”
“I would have told you right away, as soon as I saw you on the stairs but I lost my nerve because that’s what happens when you’re around me. I lose control. You were the prettiest of all of them. And you know why? Because you shine. And the light you emit is so marvelous that I’m almost afraid to touch it. But I, Ciara, am not afraid to touch it. My only fear is not to be able to do without it once I have. Can you understand me?”
I caress his face and this time he doesn’t flinch. Rather, he closes his eyes as if he were trying to commit to memory what this touch feels like.
“You know, once upon a time, I used to be a musician, but you already knew that.” He smiles bitterly. “I had fantastic friends, a sister I adored, my music and a woman.”
I swallow hard.
“I’m not like your brother, I’ve never looked for easy sex, distractions and the like. My music and my friends and her… that was enough for me. But then there was the car accident. We lost everything and Rain needed me. And I… I let her go. She wanted everything. Me, a family, our own house, a life together.”
“Aaron…”
“And I had nothing to offer her. None of what she wanted. I should have put her in first place. She should have come before everything. I should have made her the center of my world, but my world was really crowded.”
I’m confused. I’m unsettled and perhaps a bit mentally unstable.
“I couldn’t think about myself, about us. I had to think about Rain and all of the implications of the accident. I told her that I wouldn’t be able to give her anything more than what she already had. Half a man, divided by his love for his family and his love for her. She fell in love with someone else. A good guy. They got married and have a child. She’s happy and far from me. It’s like they ripped my heart straight out of my chest. Love comes and goes, Ciara, and when it goes… it leaves you weak and wishing for death. After her, I decided not to allow myself the luxury of discovering at my own expense what happens to a man when he loses everything. I was left alone. I had Rain, the guys and the pub… I stopped thinking about myself. No woman approached me and I did nothing to change the situation.”
“They don’t know what they missed out on.” I smile at him even if he refuses to look at me.
“Or perhaps they knew full well what they were going up against. I’m not an easy guy to get along with, you know. I have responsibilities, obligations. I have a weight on my shoulders that would crush anyone standing next to me. I’m not a romantic person, I would not give you flowers and chocolates, I would not take you out and hold the door open for you. I would not give you compliments and write love songs for you. I’m not that guy. I’m not what you’re looking for and what you deserve. I’ve set myself and my heart on the sidelines. I’ve completely forgotten about myself and I thought I was doing the right thing, that no one would get hurt.”
And he lifts his eyes to finally look at me.
“And then you noticed me, shaking up my little screwed-up way of life.”
“I have always noticed you, Aaron. When you were still a boy, when you were a musician, when you took care of Rain and when you were helping the guys. I’ve always seen you for what you are.”
“And what’s that?” He smiles bitterly. “A hopeless disaster?”
“I’ve always seen a man to love, Aaron. Fascinating, sexy with a big heart. I’ve always considered you the only man to love. The only man I could love.”
He shakes his head and backs away from me.
“You’re only twenty-two, Ciara. Twelve years younger than me. You’ve got your whole life to fall in love, to be happy and to dream about a future that you deserve. You do deserve the Prince Charming you’re looking for and I can tell you, he’s not me.”
He looks at me and I feel a spasm in my heart because I have a man in front of me who no longer believes in anything, he is without hope.
“Let me stay beside you.”
He shakes his head again as he contracts his jaw to control his emotions.
“I can do that, can’t I?”
“I know you can, I’m the one who can’t let you. Don’t screw your life up by getting mixed up with me, Ciara, because it’ll leave us both shattered. I would destroy your dreams and destroy you right along with them. I can’t be party to your downfall. It’s something I wouldn’t ever be able to forgive myself for.”
—
AARON
After everything I said to her, she hasn’t batted an eyelid. And she’s still here. How come she’s not running like crazy? Anybody else would have. Instead, she got up, smoothed out her dress and took me by the arm, inviting me to do the same.
“You need to relax. It’s been a long, hard day full of emotions.”
She drags me by the arm, forcing me to follow her up the stairs towards my room. She opens the door and helps me sit on the bed. She goes to help me unbutton my shirt but I block her, grabbing her wrists. She looks at me, startled.
“If you want to stay here, you have to make me a promise,” I tell her in my tough-guy voice. “You have to promise me that you’ll go to another room, any room, I don’t care which and lock yourself in there and don’t open the door even if I beg you on my knees to let me in.”
“Aaron, you’re exaggerating—”
“Promise me or I’ll be forced to kick you out. You can’t allow me to take advantage of you.”
“You won’t.”
“Oh, I will.” I whisper as I draw closer to her and I hold her waist. “I can’t help it… I want you so badly, Ciara…”
She caresses my hair gently, before kissing my forehead.
I don’t have the strength
to push her away. I am unable to keep her away from me because deep down, I’m selfish and I’d like her to help me escape the obscurity of my own life.
She pushes me back delicately as I rest my hands on the mattress. She unbuttons my shirt as I hold my breath and fight my impulse to grab her and throw her down on the bed and consume every inch of her body with my lips.
She lets the shirt fall from my shoulders and gently caresses my skin and a shiver runs down my spine. She takes it off and throws it on the floor. Then she gets lower down and takes my shoes and socks off before asking me to get up to take the pants off too. She takes me by the hand and brings me to the bathroom in my room. She turns on the water in the shower and waits for it to be the right temperature, then slides my boxers down. When they get to my feet, I kick them off. She makes me get into the shower and then asks me to wait a minute.
I stand there, naked, uncovered and vulnerable as I watch her do these gestures with infinite sweetness and I ask myself if it could be pity that moves her so.
I must seem pathetic to her.
As the water runs over me and helps clear my thoughts, Ciara unzips her dress, letting it slide to the floor. Under it, she’s only wearing a thong which is tiny and transparent and I’m forced to swallow hard this desire to have her here in the shower. To love her perfect body and that immense heart tonight and all the nights of my life to come.
She slips off the thong and lets her hair down letting colorful waves fall over her nude shoulders. Then, full of confidence, she walks over to the stereo that’s been gathering dust and she grabs a CD from the pile and leaves the volume on low. It’s a sweet melody like a lullaby to cradle us in this tender, delicate moment, even if we are both completely naked, even if she comes into my shower, touching her body to mine, making me risk coming just because of all this heat.
Even if my desire for her is painful and heartbreaking, this moment right now has nothing to do with sex or passion. This moment is only ours and no one can ever take it away.
The moment when Ciara rubs her soapy hands over my muscles, my chest. The moment she massages my head and helps me relax and feel lighter, makes me feel loved.
