by A. S. Kelly
Swallowing her tears and gathering her pride that I’ve just strewn about the room, Ciara opens the door and walks out, leaving alone me like the asshole that I am.
20
CIARA
The bus ride to get back to my parents’ house lasted an eternity. After leaving Aaron’s room, I went to gather my things and left that house in a hurry and did not look back. Aaron did nothing to stop me and I should have anticipated it but the disappointment burns every single part of my body and my heart, and I can’t stop shaking.
What was I thinking of? That he would have seriously just been made aware of me and that he’d want to love me and stay with me forever?
Because that’s what I want and I have to be honest about it. I’m not looking for an adventure, or sex or friendship.
I want him and the happily ever after.
I want everything that Aaron doesn’t want.
Then I get off the bus and walk the couple of hundred meters that separate my house from the bus stop ignoring the rain and not worrying about, covering myself. At least I won’t have to work hard hiding my tears.
I open the door and find my mother in the living room, sitting on the couch still in her pyjamas having a cup of coffee.
“Hey sweetheart. Home already?” She welcomes me with a tired smile. We all had a long busy day yesterday.
“I thought you woulda been out until this evening with the day we had! Everyone here is still asleep, but I wasn’t able to close my eyes. I’m still choked up, you know? I can’t believe Patrick married that girl. I’m the happiest mother on earth.”
“Um-hmm,” I offer in a hurry, trying to make off up the stairs but I’m not fast enough or clever enough to hide what’s going on right now.
“Ah, darling, come and sit down. I’ll pour you a cup.”
I nod and, head bowed, follow her instructions.
I sit on the couch while she goes to the kitchen to prepare a cup for me too then comes back to sit down, handing me the coffee and wrapping an arm around me.
“What’s happened?”
“Nothing mama. I’m just tired.”
“Meaning that I have to guess what it is?”
I can’t get one past her. How does she do it?
“It’s complicated,” I say vaguely, taking a page out of Aaron’s book.
“What’s complicated?”
I shrug a shoulder and close up like a porcupine.
“Is it still him?”
I snap my head up to look at her with weary eyes.
“Don’t look at me like that, I’m your mother.”
“Are you also a seer?” I ask with raised brows.
“I’ve known you for twenty-two years and I’ve known him for at least thirty.”
“Ma, I don’t think—”
“You used to follow Patrick like a shadow, wherever he went. At first I thought you did it because he was the oldest child and that you followed him like some kind of idol but after awhile I noticed how your eyes would light up when they were around. And it wasn’t because of admiration for your brother.”
I look away and bite the inside of my cheek, hoping not to cry.
“I wasn’t worried about it in the beginning,” my mom goes on. “I knew him, knew that he was a good guy and that he never would have taken advantage of the situation. But then you grew up and became a beautiful woman and he… Well, he became the morose, buttoned-up man that we all know, the man who gave everything to his family.”
“He is so alone, Mom,” I whisper as the first teardrops start to fall.
“I know,” she says, squeezing me tighter. “He’s taken care of everyone, his family and friends, but he’s never taken care of himself. Neither has anyone else. That guy worries me, I hate to see him get lost like this.”
“He’s already lost, Mom, completely lost. And I don’t know how to help him.”
“Ah, my sweet baby,” she says, kissing my head and rubbing my shoulders. “I won’t sit here telling you what to do, you’re an adult now and have to make your own decisions. But, darling, being an adult means understanding when to let go and when to hold on tighter.”
I cuddle up to her neck and shoulder and let my tears fall unchecked.
My mom is right, of course. I keep hurting myself, hoping and waiting. Maybe it’s time to really give up and open my eyes, even though I know it will hurt like hell.
I have to accept that Aaron will never love me. I have to forget about the night I just passed in his arms, his heat and his lips on my skin. I have to forget his eyes and his smile, his unkempt beard and perfect body.
Maybe the time has really come to let him go.
—
AARON
I go downstairs as soon as I see Ciara from my bedroom window. She’s hurrying off into the distance in the rain.
I have to stop my impulse to run after her, to beg forgiveness on bended knee if necessary and to tell her that I’ve once again acted like a useless asshole. To confess that she has given me the most beautiful and emotional night of my life, and the reason why is not because I’ve been starved of sex for a year.
I get dressed quickly, cursing myself, my stupid weakness and my fucked-up sense of control that abandoned me right when I needed them most.
What the hell was my head telling me?
I couldn’t go on resisting, refusing that touch that now seems like the only thing that’ll help me go on breathing.
I get to the dining room and my stomach contracts and a strange agitation quickly rises in me, ready to seal my throat closed and cut off my oxygen supply. I go to the kitchen with the intention of making myself a cup of coffee and to gather my thoughts but when I see Liam and Jay sitting at the counter I understand that this day is not going to end well for me.
“Aaron,” Jay begins.
“This is not the moment for one of your homilies, Jay.”
“Well, I think we need to talk about what happened Last night.”
Last night.
Ciara under me. Over me. Around me. Inside of me.
I shake my head violently to try to forget the sensation of her hot skin touching mine.
“Don’t misunderstand me, I’m glad your period of abstinence is over and that you’ve decided to resume relations with the opposite sex, although I don’t think I can ever look at Ciara again after having seen… Oh God, I can’t even look at you. I have to wash my eyes with acid! You were… naked!”
“Don’t provoke me,” I growl.
“Jesus, Aaron! Why did you have to have your fun with Patrick’s sister?” Liam interrupts.
“I didn’t… I…”
“You?”
“It wasn’t my intention to fool around. Not with her.”
“Well then, what the hell happened?”
“I don’t know,” I say, messing my hair with my hands. “I was having a panic attack.” I sit down and Liam passes me a cup of coffee.
“So, it wasn’t just a night of sex,” he asks me, on edge.
I look at him sideways before taking in a sip of the dark liquid.
“Jesus, Mary and Joseph,” Liam says, looking at me very seriously. “You’ve found something that’s made you weak at the knees, haven’t you?”
“His knees? What does that mean?” Jay asks for an explanation.
“Have I got it right?” Liam adds.
“My knees haven’t been weak… it’s more like my legs have been cut off at the knees, making me fall flat on my face.”
That’s the effect she’s had on me. I’m not sure I’ll be able to get up and walk again. Not after her invasion.
That girl—that woman—has overturned my entire cursed existence and now I don’t even know what color it used to be before she stuck her fingers in the pail and started coloring its walls with her infinite shades.
“And now what?” Jay asks. “She didn’t look too happy as she was hauling ass away from the house this morning.”
“I fucked it up. I told her it couldn’t work out between us, th
at I’m not right for her.”
“And why the hell did you say such a thing?”
“Because it was the right thing to do.”
“Right for who?”
“For the both of us.”
“Aaron…”
“I’m confused, alright? I need a moment to put it all into place.”
“Don’t take too long,” he says with unnerving calmness. “Or you’re really going to lose her.”
Why does this guy always have to be such a know-it-all?
I jump off the stool and leave the kitchen without another word, I go up the stairs to head to my room where I lean my back against the door and slide down it. I look at the unmade bed in front of me and an acute pain pushes against my chest.
I cannot believe what happened in this room, between these sheets, in my shower. A woman’s body, her body… I had forgotten what it felt like, I’d removed every crumb of emotion and had set aside my heart.
And now, after having opened this Pandora’s box, after having allowed it to come out of its cave and grab a breath of fresh air, it doesn’t want to go back down into the darkness.
I don’t want to go back there.
I can no longer go without the delicate perfume of her soft skin, to imagine her hands caressing me, to dream… me, dreaming. I can’t believe the thoughts that are running through my own head.
I had given up on everything and now the only thing I am sure about, is that I absolutely cannot give up on her.
21
CIARA
Five days have now passed and we’re finally recovering from the wedding. My mother is in seventh heaven because Patrick and Erin are coming home tonight and she can’t wait to get her arms around them.
I haven’t had news from Aaron. He hasn’t shown up, I haven’t gone to the pub despite the fact that Rain has invited me more than once to join them. I need to stay away from that place, from him and all the rest of them. At least until this wound on my heart hurts a little less.
Mom and Carl are going over tonight to welcome back Patrick and Erin and I’ve decided to stay at home alone and will certainly be glad to see them on a different occasion when they pass this way.
I used the excuse that I had some stuff to finish up for school. I know my mom didn’t fall for it. I saw the comprehension in her eyes and I appreciated that she didn’t ask a lot of questions or make a fuss about it.
I gather my things and head towards the exit. After a long day at school with my thoughts obstinately on him the whole time, all I want to do is go home, lock myself in my studio and paint until I pass out on the canvas.
As I open the external door of the building, I realize it’s raining and that, surprise surpise, I don’t have an umbrella or a jacket.
With a sigh, I go out of the main doors of Trinity College, stepping up my pace to avoid getting drenched to the bone but after a few meters I no longer hear the sound of water tapping on my head. I turn around and am surprised to see Mark’s smiling face behind me.
“I saw you make off without a coat and thought I could help out.”
I smile slightly.
“May I walk you?” he asks.
“It’s not necessary, I just live a few blocks from here.”
“I insist,” he adds, as his smile becomes less bright.
“Really, I’d like to be alone.”
I don’t want company, I don’t feel like making conversation and I don’t feel like being subject to another attack. It’s clear to me by now that Mark is trying to start a relationship with me and I’m not able to be diplomatic right now.
My heart is in a million pieces.
“As you prefer, Ciara,” he says, his face going dark. “It’s clear that you don’t appreciate company. Or maybe it’s just me you want to avoid.”
“What? It’s not like that, I assure you. I just need some time on my own right now.”
He sighs in frustration, runs a hand through his hair and then looks at me again.
“There is someone, isn’t there?” he asks, hurt. “Some guy?”
It’s useless to lie and give him false hopes.
“Listen, you’re a nice guy but—”
“But you think of me as just a friend. I’ve heard that line before.”
I give him a forced smile.
“The fact is, I’m in love with someone else,” I confess in a low voice. “I’m sorry, but there’s just no more room in my heart for anyone else. Not now, and not in the future.”
I was rough, but I’m only telling the truth. Despite the delicate and impossible situation, I know for sure that Aaron will always be my ‘one’ even if my feelings are not reciprocated.
Mark’s eyes go even darker and I can see his jaw set at my words. I’ve hurt him, but there’s nothing I can do about it.
I’ve been in love with Aaron forever and I will continue to be in love with him for the rest of my life.
“I’ll see you around,” I conclude, distancing myself from him and making my way towards home before my tears start falling.
Mark doesn’t protest, he lets me go without adding another word and I am grateful to him for it.
—
AARON
“Hey, Family!” Patrick bursts into the pub with a dazzling smile and a face that you’d like to slap, holding Erin’s hand.
It seems like she’s been able to resist until now. I feel sorry for the girl.
Rain runs from behind the counter to embrace her friend while Patrick walks towards me with a big toothy grin. I’d like to smash each one of those teeth in and wipe that smile off his face.
“How’s it going?”
How’s it going? Okay Patrick, same old, same old. Ah yes, I remember now. I fucked your sister and then broke her heart.
Patrick exchanges a few jokes with some of the people in the pub before Jay and Liam join in. Everyone meets around a big table giving him pats on the back, laughing and basking in their happiness while all I can do is think of her eyes and her tears as her profile became smaller as she walked away from me in the rain.
“My family is going to be stopping by,” are the words it takes to snap me out of my stupor.
“Your family?” I ask, letting the anxiety close up my throat.
“Yeah, sure. They couldn’t keep away from me another day.”
“Oh right. Away from your wife you mean?” Rain says, making fun of him.
While everyone laughs for no reason that I can figure out, I feel that familiar sensation of anguish starts to fall over me, forcing me to distance myself from the situation.
I take refuge in the back room, sitting on a case of beer and I open one of them, rubbing the can on my forehead, hoping to provide a little relief to the hammering in my head that will not give me peace.
I haven’t seen her in five days, since she left my house after I walked all over her feelings. I haven’t looked for her, I haven’t called, haven’t thought about her at all.
Bullshit.
I’ve thought of her every damned second of every damned day.
“Hey buddy,” Jay says, popping his head around the door cautiously. “Whatcha doing here?”
“What does it look like, you jackass?” I shoot lightning at him.
“Looks to me like you’re hiding.”
“Wouldn’t you?”
“She’s not out there.”
I jump to my feet.
“She stayed at home.”
I swallow hard to regulate my breathing and my heartbeat. I should feel relieved, calm… free. I’m safe, in the sense that she’s not here. I don’t have to look at her and pretend nothing’s going on. To try and fake it in front of Patrick and everyone else. To try and fool myself that it’s not important to me.
And instead it feels like I can’t breathe, like they’ve locked me in some dark, squalid cellar where the light cannot reach me.
I feel alone and useless.
Lost.
I didn’t want to ruin everything, our relations
hip, me… her. I didn’t want to shoot it all to hell. Yet look what I’ve succeeded in doing.
I have destroyed her dreams. I’ve shot myself in the foot because I am no longer able to look at my face in the mirror after what I’ve done. I won’t be able to look at Patrick either or ever look at her again without feeling this terrible biting in my chest that is bringing me down.
What in God’s name have I done? And what the hell am I still doing sitting here?
Love isn’t a weakness nor is it a stupid distraction or the end of all assurances, safety and security.
Love is warmth, light and dreams.
Love is everything.
And she… she is love.
22
CIARA
I’ve hunkered down in the basement all night painting with the music at the max and a desperate need to drown this pain the only way I know how: getting lost in my colors.
Usually, I use all of the different shades, from the lightest and most delicate tones to the bolder hues: I like mixing the different gradations to find the perfect shade for my state of mind but today I’m only able to make use of the darker tones and what is taking shape on the canvas is a perfect reflection of my state of mind.
All I see is gray—an infinite string of clouds that run angrily through the heavens, threatening to pour their vengeance out in a violent tempest.
I let myself fall back onto the stool next to the wall and set my brush down with a sigh of sadness. Everyone is all together by this point, celebrating Patrick and Erin’s return, laughing and enjoying that warmth life provides in these moments while I’m here alone, hiding out from the world, from this absurd pain and from him.
I stare at the canvas blankly, almost absently coming to the realization that this is not who I am. I do not let myself be battered down in this manner. I don’t lose faith in the future and embrace hopelessness.
And what’s more, I hate gray, in all of its shades!
I don’t want to feel it now, it’s oppressive, it’s an emotional vampire sucking all of my energy and leaving me hollow inside.
