by A. S. Kelly
Because the sight of her squashed up against the wall by his body is something I will never be able to erase from my mind.
The pain, crude and splitting as it is, is eating my heart and mind in one sole bite.
He wriggles under me as I hold him in place, squeezing my legs around his hips. He tries to hit me back, to scratch me to escape. But he won’t succeed.
I will not let him go until he’s dead.
24
CIARA
Mark presses me against the wall with his body, drawing his mouth to mine, stealing a kiss that is both avid and possessive and almost causing me to vomit.
He continues asking me to let myself submit to him but his words are like ice in my veins and make me understand there’s no escape for me. He slides a hand over my body and I shiver in terror.
“Now you’re mine and no one will be able to separate us ever again.”
I close my eyes and cease to exist, swallowing my dignity, my future and my whole life. Because it’s ending now, right here in this basement and it’s all my fault.
Suddenly the weight that was pressing against me is removed and I am able to breathe in fully.
I don’t hear anything other than the dull thud of fists against flesh. I gather up my courage and shake myself awake from the confusion and terror I feel, then I turn and blink a few times because what I see must be a hallucination or maybe I’m already dead and I haven’t realized it yet.
Aaron is kneeling over Mark as he hits, punch after punch, hitting him in the stomach, the face. He punches him repeatedly and there’s nothing Mark can do to stop him.
Aaron is strong, furious and desperate.
And nothing can compete with desperation.
I stand watching the scene as I slide to the ground, hugging my knees and leaning against the wall.
I don’t know how long this goes on for, if Aaron has killed him or if Mark’s still breathing. I can’t feel anything but cold and I’ve got a paralyzing sensation that I’ve lost something forever. Then my sobs break though the unnatural silence, waking Aaron from his fury. He freezes with an arm raised over Mark, who is senseless on the floor, and he runs across to me.
Instinctively, I back away from him, trembling and staring at his bruised and bloodied hands. He looks down and tries to clean them as best he can on his jeans.
Then he tries again to approach me. He stretches his arm towards me and caresses my chin and when he realizes that I won’t withdraw again, he rubs my shoulder with the other hand, drawing me to him.
And when my head touches his heaving chest, I close my eyes and let myself go in his arms that are squeezing me as though my salvation depended on it.
I keep crying in his strong arms that I feel shaking around my body. He buries his head in that space between my shoulder and my face and lets go of his own silent tears that open my chest in two.
He’s crying.
For me.
We are sitting on the floor of the basement next to Mark’s lifeless body nurturing this pain, the fear and tears that we are both spilling. I’ve never felt so grateful and fortunate in my life.
And so loved. In a desperate and complete manner. And I know with certainty that I’ll never feel this way again.
Aaron moves over slightly and after an intense, heartbreaking moment, he looks at me with red eyes and in a broken voice tries, “Did he?… Did he?”
I shake my head. No.
He doesn’t have the courage to ask and I don’t have enough to answer. His sigh of relief shatters the remaining shards of heart that I had.
Then he looks over at Mark and says cautiously: “I have to call someone.”
I nod because the words won’t come out. I’m terrified of what’s about to happen.
Aaron takes his cell phone from his pocket and calls one of the guys, I presume Liam, because Rain’s name comes up; then he calls the police to briefly explain what happened and they will take care of calling an ambulance.
His eyes come back to me and in a whisper he says: “Ciara, I don’t know what’s going to happen now, but I will promise you on my life that I will never allow anything bad to happen to you.”
And I believe him.
I believe in the wetness of his eyes that are still full of fear.
I believe in the tremor of his voice broken with emotion.
I believe in his hands which continue to sweetly caress my face.
I believe in his love that I can see now in all of its uncertainty and fear, but with all of its blinding light.
I believe in this man, the man I love who saved me from losing myself forever.
—
AARON
Her sobs hit me like lead balloons, ripping me back to reality. I stop with my fist in midair and climb off this piece of shit. I turn my head towards the corner where Ciara is hunched down in tears.
I get up and run to her but as soon as I get too close, she retracts.
She’s afraid.
Of me.
Her eyes are transfixed on my hands which are covered in blood, so I clean them the best I can on my jeans and try again to move closer. I am cautious, careful and fucking terrorized.
I touch her chin and the confusion I see in her eyes breaks away a piece of my heart. I reach out to her with the other hand to draw her towards me. I need to hold her, to feel that she is alright, that she’s here and nothing is going to happen to her from this point onwards. There is not going to be a day, an hour, a second in my life that I am not going to take care of her.
Because she is the love I cannot renounce.
I hold her and she relaxes into my embrace. She’s crying and shaking and I can’t avoid crying myself. I tuck my head into the nook of her shoulder. I cry in silence but the fear of losing her opens my eyes, my mind and my heart and it is as obvious as a lightning strike from heaven that all I want in my life is this woman.
Then, I break away from her. I have to ask her, even if I don’t have the strength to sustain an affirmation.
“Did he?… Did he?”
She denies it with her head.
Sweet Jesus, thank you.
The only thing that matters is that she’s alright, that he didn’t hurt her and that I can continue living after this. But I’ve really made a mess of things here. I hit that guy hard while I was in a furious rage. I’ll have to answer for it and I guess I’d better get started now.
I grab my cell phone from my pocket and tell her I have to call someone because I have to deal with this crisis I’ve just created.
I dial the number of the only person able to help me right now.
“I need you,” I tell him without mincing words. “I’m at Ciara’s house and I’m in trouble. I need you to come here right now and bring Rain with you because they might lock me up and I don’t want Ciara to be alone.”
I don’t need to add anything else. Liam hangs up without a word and without further questions.
In our family, that’s how it works.
We’re there. That’s it.
Then I call the police, giving them a bit of the background to what’s happened, but they will be here shortly and there will be an ambulance arriving at the same time.
I’ll have to accept my responsibility. There will be loads of problems. They’ll take me away and maybe take her too, and I don’t want her to face this trouble alone. I need Rain to stay with her and support her now because I already know I won’t be able to do it.
Patrick will discover everything that’s happened and very probably he will also end up in jail after having killed me. There will be trouble for everyone but the only thing I’m worried about is her, how she’s going to take all of this and how she’ll get over it.
This is what I’m really afraid of.
I return to her because I need to tell her right this second and I need to hear myself say it out loud. So, with fear in my voice and still very much shaken by what’s just happened, I tell her: “I don’t know what’s going to happen, Ci
ara. But I swear to you on my life that I will not permit anything bad to happen to you.”
And it’s a promise that will be kept.
Forever.
I don’t believe in anything. Not destiny, not the future or the world.
In God.
A big fat fucking zero.
But I do believe what my heart is telling me right now.
I believe in this sentiment that’s beating in my chest.
I believe in the innate need I have to protect her and take care of her.
I believe in her goodness, her light and her smile.
I believe what she transmits to me in her eyes, with her words and her entire body.
I believe in the immense love that I feel for this woman and also believe, more than ever, that she is all I need in my life.
25
CIARA
The police are the first to arrive at the scene. Two officers knock on the door with such force that I jump in Aaron’s arms. He kisses my forehead and looks at me intensely in the eyes before telling me: “Don’t worry, everything is going to be fine.”
I nod unconvinced and shoot a glance at Mark lying inert on the floor.
Aaron opens the door, letting the officers in. He tries to explain what happened in a calm manner as the sound of ambulance sirens gets louder.
The paramedics enter and begin attending to Mark immediately. When I hear one of them say that he’s regaining consciousness, Aaron and I exchange an intense look of mutual understanding, gratitude and relief. It serves to partly calm my tense nerves.
One of the policemen approaches me to confirm Aaron’s statement and then tells us that we’ll need to follow them to the station to give them our official statement. He asks me if I also need a doctor, if Mark hurt me physically, if he touched me, but I deny it with a head shake.
He didn’t hurt me, at least physically but that’s only because Aaron was here.
The officer calls for another driver because they will take us away in separate cars and because one of them needs to go with Mark in the ambulance.
Seeing the panic in my eyes, Aaron tries to come close to me but the policeman will not allow it, telling him to stay still and keep his distance from me.
Aaron doesn’t understand and starts raising his voice and gesticulating, explaining that I need him but the officer will not listen to reason.
Aaron is getting too heated up and the officer threatens him with handcuffs, but then a car pulls up outside and Rain comes towards us in tears.
The policeman stops her right away and does not allow her to step through the doorway as Liam joins her and tries to speak with the officer. Aaron is agitated and out of control, Liam is raising his voice and Rain is sobbing, begging the officer to let her pass.
I feel overwhelmed by the events and the resulting chaos around me. I begin to lose lucidity: all of my senses fog over and I feel my energy slowly abandon me as the darkness encloses me and I fall into it.
•••
I wake up in Rain’s arms after what I believe is a brief moment of unconsciousness. We are on the floor and my head is wedged between her legs. Rain smiles, trying to calm me but I get up, searching for Aaron.
“They took him to the station,” she tells me, suffocating the tears.
I try to get a grip and Liam helps by extending an arm for me to steady myself on.
“Everything’s going to be alright, Ciara.”
“He… He saved me,” I whisper before the tears crack my voice.
“I know.” He smiles sadly. “He is salvation. Salvation for all of us.”
I nod while Rain accompanies me to the police car that is waiting for me outside.
“They won’t allow me to go with you, honey, but we’re going to follow you there.”
She squeezes my hand in hers before giving me a kiss on the cheek and getting into the car with Liam. I get into the police car and an officer informs me that my family are on their way.
I close my eyes and swallow hard, thinking back on the last few minutes of my life, scared of a terrible premonition.
—
AARON
When Ciara faints in the arms of the officer I’m trying to talk to, I wriggle out of the other officer’s grasp and go to her. Someone screams for me to stop, to stay where I am, but I am not able to. All I care about is her.
The other policeman I just got away from grabs my arm and orders me to stay calm, but I can’t and we struggle until we fall all the way down to where her body is laid out on the ground in Rain’s arms.
“Do not resist!” the officer yells as I free myself from him with force and kneel down next to Ciara. I touch her cheek, holding back the blind rage that is returning to take possession of me.
“Friend, I beg you, calm down or you’re going to make the situation worse than it is,” Liam suggests before two officers throw themselves on me and hold me down on the floor.
“Let’s go, you idiot, you just got yourself in some serious trouble!” one of the policemen tells me but I’m not listening. I can’t hear anything outside my heartbeat that’s pushing out of my ribcage.
“Please, Aaron, do what they tell you to,” Rain begs in tears and there’s nothing left for me to do but nod, lower my head and get in the car with them, handcuffed like a criminal.
•••
They throw me in a holding cell as soon as we get to the station. Here there are three other men who are drunk and playing card games on the benches.
I sit down and put my head in my hands.
I almost killed a man tonight. With my hands. And I don’t regret it.
Mark put his hands on her, he tried to… I can’t even say it. Just the thought of it brings me to the bars and makes me want to shake them with force if necessary. I would do anything to know how she is, to see her and to know that everything is okay, that she’s alright and that nothing is wrong with her, nothing beyond repair.
They leave me sitting here for I don’t know how long, I’m not able to judge, as I am being eaten alive by rage, guilt and remorse for being the jackass that I am for having left her alone. If I hadn’t acted the way I did, she would be in my arms right now, the only place she should have ever been in the first place.
After an infinity in which I feel I’ve shed every tear that is possible for a man to cry, an officer comes to open the cell door and asks me to follow him.
We enter an interview room where a man in a jacket and tie is waiting for me.
“Sit down Aaron. I’m Malcolm, your lawyer,” he says in a serious tone.
“I haven’t called any lawyer.”
“Yes, you’re very lucky someone else called on your behalf.”
Liam, I think. Only he would have done this.
“She—”
“The girl has been taken to her family’s house and is doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances.”
I nod, grateful to know that she’s in the arms of her loved ones.
“As far as you’re concerned, Aaron, I’m not going to lie to you, you’re in some hot water. You almost killed a man. What was going on in your head?”
“He tried to—”
“Yes, we know that, the girl has confirmed it, but that does not absolve you from your crimes, which are aggravated assault and resisting arrest. You risk also being accused of attempted homicide. You could be sent to jail. Thank God that the man isn’t dead because if he was I wouldn’t be able to get you out on bail tonight.”
“Bail?”
“It’s already been paid. You can go home, but don’t pull any shenanigans please. Stay far away from potential trouble and wait for me tomorrow. We’ve got a lot of things to discuss.”
He offers me his hand and then leaves me alone before a policeman comes to let me know that I’m free to go and escorts me to the door.
I leave the building and hug myself in my sweatshirt, taking in the cold night air that reactivates all of my neurons. I look for a cigarette in my pocket and lig
ht one, looking around to see if anyone is waiting for me or if I can get a cab.
When I think that no one is here for me I see a figure leaning against a car door.
It’s the last person I was expecting to see here.
I go to him with my head down and an anxiety that is strangling me, ready for a punch in the face. But when I get close to him, he throws his arms around me in desperation.
I let him hug me, confused and disoriented, before he lets up his grip on me, and grab my shoulders and looking me in the eye Patrick says: “I owe you everything, brother.”
And I melt into tears, falling into his arms.
26
CIARA
After having spoken with two officers for over an hour, only made tolerable by the close presence of Rain, they finally let me leave the interview room and take me to the waiting room where my mother is waiting for me with Patrick and Erin.
I run to her and let myself be comforted in her arms. Patrick and Erin join the embrace around us while Rain and Liam stay to the side, speaking in a whisper.
“They’re keeping him in a cell, they won’t allow me to see him,” she says between sobs.
“I’m so sorry Rain, it’s my fault,” I say.
“I don’t want to hear you say that even as a joke. I’m glad Aaron found you before…” and it would appear that she also can’t say the words aloud.
“Lets go home now, dear. Carl and your brothers are waiting for you.”
“I’m going to take her home and I’m going to stay there tonight,” Patrick says to Erin, who nods in support.
“I can’t… I can’t go back home,” I whisper. “I can’t do it. Not now.”
“Of course, dear. I understand.”
“You can come to our house,” Erin suggests. “You’ll be safe there for sure.” She smiles lovingly.
I nod, looking at my mother.
“I’d like to stay with you too, if I may.”
“You don’t have to ask, Sarah.”
We head outside but Patrick doesn’t follow us. We turn to ask why as he chats with Liam and Rain.
