Lost Days (Four Days Book 4)

by A. S. Kelly

  I laugh between my tears and mess my hair.

  “Alright, I get it, we’re all a bit sentimental right now.” Patrick stands up and approaches the group.

  “What the fuck?” he says. “Is it possible that everything has to end in tears around this damned house?”

  We all laugh and his harshness helps break the tension.

  “Okay, I guess it’s my turn. What can I say, Aaron? You’ve always taken care of me, you helped me build a future, you kicked my ass when I needed it and offered me a shoulder when that was what I needed most. You took Erin on at the pub and Jesus, I should thank you every day for that alone. So friend, my sister and you… I cannot get my head around it yet and it’s probably going to take a while to accept things. But I am sure that she will always be safe with you, that you will respect her and there won’t be a day that passes where she doesn’t feel loved.”

  “You’ve always gotta go one better than everyone else, haven’t you?” Jay says, making fun of him as Patrick joins the pack.

  Chaos reigns in my heart and bumping into each other like this makes it difficult for me to find the right thing to say to everyone.

  I’d like to thank my entire family for what they are and for always being there for me and for the love I’m presently basking in.

  But then I tell myself that even a silence dense with significance speaks where words aren’t needed because this is what counts.

  This hug, this intense desire and need to always be here for one another.

  28

  CIARA

  I wake up after a few hours of restless sleep full of nightmares, blood, and cold lacerating words that reverberate in my head and won’t lessen their grip on me.

  Then I allow myself a purifying shower to wash away his touch and his presence that towers over me, making me feel tiny, insignificant and useless. I cry under the tepid water, running my hands over my face repeatedly, hoping to cancel out these memories and sense of guilt for having been so stupid as to let him get near me and pretend that he had some right over me that no one ever could have, no one other than him.

  I turn off the tap and step out of the shower, wrapping myself in a towel. I dry myself and dry my hair and look in Erin’s closet for something that might fit me. I find a pair of leggings and a large T-shirt, put them on and pull up my still-wet hair. Then I take a deep breath and decide to go downstairs and face what ever it is that awaits me there.

  I tiptoe down the stairs and hear voices coming from the kitchen. I peek in without being noticed, just when Aaron is speaking.

  “And now all I feel is love and it’s devastating, because I don’t know what could happen and I can’t stand the idea of having to separate from her, not to be able to be close to her…” His voice cracks with tears.

  I lean around a little more to see Patrick bending over him with a hand on his back and a serious expression on his face.

  “We’re here, Aaron. We are your family and this is how we handle things, isn’t it? If something should happen, we’re here for you both, for her and for you.”

  “I can’t lose her… Not now that I’ve finally understood what an idiot I’ve been—that I’ve been stumbling around in the dark for so long trying to push her away from me, hurting her in doing so without her knowing what I really feel for her.”

  I’m too late in raising my hand to my mouth after an audible sob escapes me. Everyone turns around to face me as I’m hanging onto the doorframe with my fingernails, trying to contain this cyclone of contrasting emotions that won’t allow me to think rationally.

  Love, fear, pain… I’m not able to distinguish them right now. I can’t think clearly or absorb his words and make them mine.

  Aaron jumps to his feet to meet me but I step backwards, scared and confused, running to the second floor and taking refuge in the bedroom because I’m not able to deal with all this at once. I can’t taste his love, I can’t feel it on my skin because it’s still burning, ever since someone else touched me.

  I close the door behind me and fall on the bed, hiding my head under the pillow. Someone comes in without knocking and sits down next to me.

  “Ciara…” Patrick says, gently rubbing my back. “Please look at me.”

  I look up a bit and see his eyes full of pity and I throw myself into his arms, which hug me like only a brother’s arms can.

  “I’m sorry,” I murmur onto his shoulder.

  “Sorry? What for?”

  “For all of this, for the problems I’ve caused you and for what I’m doing with him.”

  “The only guilty part here is that bastard Mark.”

  “I let him get close to me, I led him on. I made him believe—”

  “Enough of that bullshit!” Patrick pushes me away from him and grabs my shoulders firmly. “That guy is a maniac that deserves to burn in hell. No way did you lead him on, he’s playing with your mind, trying to make you think that. He’s a manipulating bastard.”

  “A bastard that I provoked. With my way of being, with my way of—”

  “Knock it off.”

  “I’m a stupid girl.”

  “No! You are an honest, demonstrative woman, beautiful and sunny, sweet and kind and he’s a piece of lying shit. You’re perfect just as you are. Ciara, I beg you, don’t think that you’ve done something to lead him on, because I know that’s nonsense. It’s his twisted lies that you’re believing.”

  “And Aaron?”

  “Aaron’s got big shoulders, don’t worry about him.”

  I lower my gaze and pull away from him.

  “That man loves you, Ciara.”

  I blush at the idea of Patrick telling me these things.

  “He’d do anything for you.”

  “And you?”

  “And me, what?”

  “You’re not mad at him?”

  I look at him with my heart in my throat.

  “Are you being serious?” He smiles at me. “He’s down there going crazy thinking that he’s lost you.”

  I bite my lip in agitation.

  “I’m afraid… Afraid that I’m not really what he wants and that I may not be able to be myself again.”

  “Because of what happened?”

  I nod.

  “Feel like talking about it?”

  I tell Patrick all of the details of the night before, about how Mark came through the garage door and found me, how he touched me and how he spoke to me. About how I’ve accidentally let him get close to me in these months, and about how he followed me that night a few weeks ago when Aaron saved me—Mark attacked me from behind then, hiding his face, I had no idea it was him at the time. How Aaron had defended me last night, fighting Mark off as if his life depended on it. About how he held me to him after he feared the worst. About what I read in his eyes, his face and words and in all of himself.

  And as I tell him, as I tell my brother everything that was in my mind, I suddenly feel lighter and less confused. The words flow without pause and are accompanied by a few stray tears, but I’m able to clear my mind and to regain, slowly, control over myself and my feelings.

  And they make me understand that I can’t lose him.

  Not now.

  And he absolutely can’t lose me.

  —

  AARON

  Ciara ran away.

  From me.

  She’s afraid of me.

  Patrick follows her into the bedroom, telling me it’ll be fine, but I’m not so sure.

  I go to my room asking to be left alone, I go to the window and look at the roof, the place I first allowed her to get close to me. I rest my forehead on the wet window and give in to my discomfort and desperation.

  I just found her and I’ve already lost her.

  This is my fault. If I had allowed myself a bit of love right away, if I had permitted this feeling to shake me up the first time I felt it, none of this would be happening.

  I slide to me knees and fall to the floor. The pain I feel in my chest is too muc
h, it’s unbearable, it takes everything with it, every heartbeat, every caress, every phrase whispered from her lips. Every look and every emotion.

  Ciara will forget, lost and alone in the confusion of contrasting emotions, what she’s going through now and there’s nothing I can do to avoid that fact.

  Jay interrupts my thought flow, calling from behind closed doors that the lawyer has arrived.

  I dry my eyes with my T-shirt and get up, ready to face the music. But one thing I’ll never be ready for is losing her.

  •••

  “Good morning Aaron,” says the lawyer. “I’ve got good news and bad news. Mark has decided not to press charges against you.”

  “Sounds like great news to me,” Liam adds.

  “Go on with the bad news then,” I encourage him because I’ve got this strange premonition that is eating away at my self control in one big bite.

  “He won’t press charges against you so long as Ciara retracts her allegations that he attacked her.”

  I squeeze my eyes tight shut and inhale slowly. I’m about to make one of those altruistic decisions: the kind I make for the benefit of those around me, rather than myself.

  I have to choose between her welfare and my own, so there’s no contest.

  “Not a chance in hell.”

  “Aaron, be reasonable—”

  “What your asking me to agree to doesn’t and could not exist, in this world or any other. That bastard must pay, and he will.”

  “I’ll ask for a restraining order.”

  “I said no.”

  “We could ask the girl.”

  “You cannot approach her.”

  “If you insist on handling it this way there is nothing I can do for you. I could have helped if you hadn’t beaten him so savagely, repeatedly. If you hadn’t gone apeshit on him like you did. A punch, maybe two… Okay, it’s reasonable force, to defend the girl it would have been justifiable. But we’re really risking trouble in this situation. I wish you’d think it through a bit more.”

  I get up, in a sign meant to indicate this conversation is over for me. There’s no need to add anything else. I will not allow something like that to happen.

  “What is the risk if we proceed as things are?” Jay asks, looking worried.

  “There’ll be a charge of aggravated assault, with a supportive statement from the girl, plus resisting arrest. You’ll get maybe not more than eighteen months in jail. Everything depends on the judge, for he would have the discretion to convert the sentence into probation or a community service order. But there is a big risk and you all should be aware of it.”

  “I have to speak with my family,” I say, thanking him and promising to call later on.

  Then I go to the living room and sit on the couch as I wait for Jay and the others. I specifically asked Ciara not to be a part of this conversation and that she should stay upstairs with her mother because I do not want her to feel in any way responsible for me and what I’m going up against.

  When everyone is gathered in the living room, I collect my courage and announce my decision.

  “I’m not going to dance around it. You know I’m not good at this, so let’s get right to the point. I could end up behind bars.”

  My speech is interrupted by Rain’s crying.

  “Eighteen months if we’re lucky. It’s also possible for me to avoid jail time if the judge recognizes my actions as the use of reasonable force, but there’s not too much hope there because I wasn’t the victim.”

  Jay adds: “The lawyer also said that if Ciara withdrew the accusation—”

  “Jay!” I interrupt. “No!”

  “You said you wanted to talk about it with your family and we need to be completely honest.”

  “I’ve already made my decision.”

  “What are we talking about here?” Patrick asks, joining us.

  I shoot Jay with a lightning glare but he goes on:

  “If Ciara retracts her accusation against Mark—”

  “Which she will not!” I say angrily.

  “—He will not press charges against Aaron. But he’s already made his decision.”

  I stand up and address everyone:

  “I will not permit that to happen. Mark must pay for what he did and whatever he gets he will never pay enough. Now I’m asking you to understand my decision and support me in it as you always have. I need you to stay united in my absence, keep the pub running, and the house, and the family. I want to make sure that you always take care of one another and her especially, as if she were a part of us. Because she is the woman I love and I would do anything for her and I need my family to be close to her when I can’t be.”

  “It’s not necessary to ask us that, Aaron. Ciara is already part of the family.” Jay hugs me.

  “Whatever happens, we’re always together.”

  “You need to stay calm, Aaron,” Liam adds, coming close to us. I’m here with Rain, you don’t have to worry about leaving her alone, okay?”

  I nod, swallowing hard the knot in my throat, realizing that Liam has understood my biggest fear.

  “And now, if you’ll permit me, I’ve got a business to run,” I say, leaving them and climbing the stairs, then closing myself up in my room.

  I need a shower to gain some self control and to dedicate myself to doing what I do best: taking care of them, at least for as long as I’m able to.

  29

  CIARA

  “How do you feel, dear?”

  I feel born again in Patrick and Erin’s room. I’ve practically taken it over. We’ve been here for four days, me, my mom and Carl, who comes to visit us every night.

  “I’m good, Mom, really. You should go home with the others.”

  “I don’t want to leave you alone.”

  “Why, do you get the impression that I’m alone here?” I smile and she returns the gesture.

  After having spoken with my brother, I feel better. My memories of that terrible night are always present, invading my thoughts, and I’m trying to keep it together the best I can.

  The problem is I still don’t feel ready to face the outside world. For the time being, I’m fine where I am, holed up here in this room with my mama and the loving attention from Erin, Rain and Alex, the only ones who pop in to see how I’m doing and if I need anything.

  I haven’t seen Aaron in the last few days. I’m keeping him at bay and he’s not intruding on my space. I feel really terrible about it but I’m not ready to accept him being close to me.

  “You can’t allow this thing to mark you forever, Ciara. You have been through some terrible things here, you risked being a lot worse off, but what’s important is that Aaron got there in time and that you’re okay.”

  Aaron.

  Aaron saved my life, Aaron loves me, and I’ve kept him away from me. I’ve hurt him, I’ve refused him. I know how it feels, because I’ve played the starring role, more than once, and I can’t stand the idea of him suffering.

  “Where is he?”

  “He and the guys are at the pub, but Patrick is downstairs. He doesn’t want to leave you.”

  “I don’t need someone to be with me at all times, Mom.”

  “Yes, I know that. He’s just worried about you. They all are, honey. They all love you a lot.”

  I smile because I know it’s true. These guys are part of the family and I always feel safe and at home with them.

  I get up and decide to go downstairs to drink something. I haven’t eaten all day and a cup of tea would hit the spot, at least as far as my nerves are concerned. When I get to the ground floor I find Patrick and Erin sitting at the kitchen table.

  “Ciara? What? How?”

  “I’m fine.” I relieve Patrick from his embarrassment.

  “Sorry, I don’t know what to say.”

  “You don’t have to say anything.”

  Erin squeezes his arm before getting up and going to the kettle, saying, “Can I make you a cup of tea?”

  “Tha
nk you.”

  “The others are all at the pub,” Patrick starts off uncertainly.

  “Yeah, Mom told me.”

  “I wanted you to know in case you felt like dropping by.”

  “Patrick!” Erin chastises. “Do you really think that’s a great idea?”

  “All I’m saying is if she wants to get out, I could take her.”

  “You think she wants to hang around that group of drunkards?”

  “I thought she might want to see Aaron.”

  “Don’t get mixed up in this, Patrick, keep out.” Erin threatens.

  “It’s nothing, it’s okay, really.”

  “I’m not trying to mind your business, I just want to do the right thing. How come nobody ever listens to me?” Patrick says, getting up. “I don’t want to pressure you, but that man is completely beaten, Ciara. He’s in pieces. I can’t stand seeing him like that. I don’t want you to lose each other after having made it this far.”

  “I don’t feel up to it,” I whisper. “I’m not ready.”

  “I can understand that, but I just want to say don’t let someone else, some bastard who tried to hurt you, have any influence in your life now. He won’t do anything to you again because Aaron is going to make sure of it.”

  “What are you trying to tell me?”

  Patrick shoots Erin a quick glance and she nods, lowering her gaze.

  “That guy Mark will not press charges against Aaron if you don’t accuse him of attacking you.”

  I sit on the stool because my legs aren’t strong enough to support me.

  “Aaron asked us not to tell you, but I am telling you anyway, because that’s how I am. I don’t like keeping quiet, especially where my sister and my best friend are involved. That man is ready to go to jail in order to protect you. And he’s not telling you about it because he doesn’t want you to withdraw your account of events. I’m telling you this because I want you to understand how big that guy’s heart is. Aaron was there for you on the worst day of your life and now I’m asking you as a friend and as a brother, to stand by him in his darkest hour. Because he stands to lose his freedom and part of his life and the woman he loves.”