Awakened Desires

by Rissa Blakeley

  Quinn headed straight for the door, but Eve stepped in front of her. “I don’t think so.”

  “Get out of my way.” Quinn was angry that Eve would even try to stop her.

  “Gunther wants you to rest, so you should rest,” Eve said. “I don’t want to endure his wrath if something happens to you.”

  “I have to do something! I can’t just sit here and worry!” Quinn grabbed Eve’s arm and pulled her away from the door.

  Eve threw her arms up. “She’s all yours, Josie.”

  Quinn stormed outside. “Great,” Josie said unenthusiastically. She dreaded the moment Gunther would roll up out front and see Quinn doing whatever she felt like in order not to think about the possible impending doom lingering in the air.

  When Josie went out the door, she saw Quinn picking up twigs and fallen branches. They already had plenty of wood for the fireplace but, like she said, she needed something to do. Before Josie could say a word, Quinn barked, “Don’t even try it, Josie!”

  “I wasn’t,” Josie muttered, an air of annoyance in her voice. “I was coming out here to get some fresh air, as well.” Josie sat down at the base of the tree near where Quinn was wandering around.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t take my worry out on you.” Quinn decided to sit down next to her. She was exhausted and had a pretty significant headache, but she didn’t want Josie to know that.

  “It’s okay. I understand that you’re worried.” Josie was pulling up long strands of grass, mindlessly weaving them in and out of her tiny fingers.

  “I can’t help but worry, Josie. There is so much I need to worry about. Between keeping Gunther healthy and keeping him mentally in check, I almost wonder if I have bitten off more than I can chew.” She slapped her hand over her mouth, shocked at her own words.

  They lingered in her mind, dancing in dizzying circles, making her pull in a hard breath. It was a confession she did not expect to make, then Quinn put her face in her hands.

  “Momma Quinn, please don’t do this to yourself.” Josie wrapped her arm around her shoulders.

  “Have you ever truly been in love, Josie?”

  “I can’t say that I have. I have had one relationship, but he moved away after only a few months.” Josie was worried she would regret what she was about to ask, but Quinn’s confession made her feel it was necessary. “Do you regret getting involved with Gunther?”

  “I don’t know what to think anymore.”

  “The entire time we’ve been together, this is the most emotional I have seen you. You are always so strong and resilient. Now you seem like you can barely hold it together.”

  Quinn was silent for several minutes. “You are wise beyond your years.” There was another long pause, then Quinn decided to confess everything. She was young, but she seemed to be able to discuss issues in a mature manner. She inhaled. “James and I lived separate lives. He worked all the time and was hardly home during waking hours. The last couple of years, I resented him for it. When we first were dating, the way Gunther is with me now was how it was with James. He doted on me, all his attention was on me. He treated me like I was the only thing that mattered in his life. Then we married. I desperately wanted a child right away, but it took a few years.

  “While we were trying to get pregnant, he started a new job. He quickly moved up through the ranks, and by the time Carrie was two, he was the CEO. I learned to live as Carrie and me—not James, Carrie, and me.” She paused again. Quinn needed to take a breath or two to push down her emotions.

  Seeing how upset the confession was making her, Josie reached out and held her hand. “We don’t have to talk about this because it’s making you upset. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

  “No. I need to get it out. It has been eating at me for years.” She cleared her throat. “Carrie and I did everything alone. James never attended Carrie’s recitals or soccer games or even her performances at school. I will readily admit, the paycheck he brought home was nice and he was never stingy with it. We had everything we needed and then some. To the outside world, it was a grand life—nice home, nice cars. We looked successful but, deep down, I was so lonely. I would try to get James to take a vacation, but he couldn’t or wouldn’t. He was married to that job more than he was married to me.

  “I missed the days when he made me feel like I was the most important thing in the world. Gunther makes me feel that way. He has been trying to make me his far longer than you originally noticed. At first, I was completely against it. He was just a guy who saved me. James had to be coming back. I always thought he would come back to us…to me,” she whispered. “I noticed Gunther was looking at me more and talking to me more. He wanted to talk about things and life, not just the issues with this virus. He laughed with me and he was so gentle when he touched me. His touch makes me feel alive again, like I am deserving and worthy of being touched. And it’s not just because I’m there next to him in bed. It’s because he wants to, not because he has to.”

  “Are you in love with the idea of having someone who would do those things and make you feel good again, or are you in love with him?”

  Quinn didn’t even need to think about it. “With him.” Her voice hitched. “I’m so in love with him, Josie. I love the man he is becoming, not the scared little boy that is trapped in a man’s body. He isn’t who he’s programmed to be. He is vulnerable, delicate, loving, protective… Sometimes a little over-protective.” Quinn smiled shyly and rubbed her head where it had hit the stone fireplace.

  “How can you say he’s delicate?” Josie sounded a little angry with Quinn’s statement. “Have you forgotten all that he has done to you and everyone else?”

  “That wasn’t him. You have to understand. All the things he has done wasn’t him. He doesn’t show you what he shows me. You remember the day he tore out of the shack? That’s the real him. Remorseful, full of dread and sorrow for what he did. It’s the program that was beaten into him with fists and fear. If you strip all of that away, he is so loving, docile, and gentle. And incredibly hot.”

  Josie chose to ignore her last admission. “Do you think he will ever be deprogrammed?”

  “I don’t know. His entire life has been about the program. He was, literally, bred for it. It’s so sad. He never had a proper upbringing. He never had proper parents. He has never had or felt proper love until now, and it scares the hell out of him. Imagine being in your forties and the only emotions you’ve ever felt were fear and sadness. Then you discover yourself and realize that you can feel and give a variety of emotions. It’s obviously overwhelming for him. The only ‘love’ he ever experienced was all of his one-night stands and that was just plain old fucking.” Josie turned beet red. “Sorry, but it’s true. He has never had a woman, until now, who wants nothing more than to spend time with him. They only ever wanted the money in his pocket, or what was in his pants.” Quinn blushed at her own statement. “Every person that ever placed themselves in his life all had purpose, but only for themselves. No one was ever interested in the man. They were only interested in what he could do for them or give them. He has been used and abused his entire life. It’s so sad. He is so broken, Josie. So very broken.”

  “I know,” she whispered sadly. “You have said a lot, but you haven’t said whether or not you regret this relationship. I’m just going to ask straight out. Are you with him because you want to take care of him and try to fix him?”

  “I want to take care of him and I want to fix him, but I understand he will always be broken no matter what. I want what he has offered me so far. He has so much potential and so much to give. It’s not going to be easy seeing as he’s sick and in this world right now… Who knows what’s going to happen.”

  As if on cue, a plane flew over their heads, the earth shaking from the first explosion. Quinn and Josie jumped up and ran to the door just as Levi was opening it to investigate. “Was that a plane and…and a bomb?” he asked in a drawn out voice.

  “Yes!” Quinn yell
ed.

  Another plane went over and another explosion shook them to the core. The shack felt like it shifted on its already unstable foundation. They could smell something burning, and could see the plumes of smoke rolling up into the atmosphere. The planes and explosions continued for the next several minutes.

  All any of them could think about was were the men okay?

  Quinn had taken vigil at the grimy window draped with moth-eaten curtains. Time seemed to have stopped. Every bomb pushed Quinn closer and closer to the edge of insanity. She chewed on her thumbnail mindlessly. Her knees where trembling and her breath was catching at every pull in her throat. She felt gentle hands on both her arms.

  “I’m thinking we should pack up and leave,” Eve said.

  Quinn turned around. “Are you out of your goddamned mind?”

  “We seem to be in the impact zone, Quinn!”

  “What are we supposed to do? Walk out there and hope for the best? I am not going anywhere until Gunther walks back in through that door!” She aggressively pointed at the sorry excuse for a front door.

  “My husband, not some little egotistical fuck toy, is out there, too!”

  Quinn’s eyes nearly popped out of her head. “You have some fucking nerve,” she growled as she stepped up to Eve, nose-to-nose. “He’s much more to me than you would or could ever understand seeing as your husband is a gutless pig!”

  “Don’t you think I know who he is? I’m not pleased with his behavior, but I love him dearly. I’m not just getting boned by him on a daily basis for a little tension release in this fucked up life we now live!”

  Just a day ago, Eve was wondering why she was even married to such swine, but now that she realized he may be in danger or dead, her heart ached for his presence by her side.

  “You have no idea what our relationship is about! He is much more to me than an amazing lay. So shut your goddamned mouth before I shut it for you. If you want to leave, no one is stopping you. I would rather die here waiting for Gunther than go out there and walk into a herd!”

  “We are in danger here!”

  “As we are everywhere else! Open your goddamned eyes, you idiot!” Quinn had a point and she knew it was a point well-taken because Eve shut her mouth and walked away.

  Shannon, Janny, and Levi were huddled in the corner. The fear was radiating off of them. They feared the explosions happening outside and the explosions happening inside.

  “I don’t understand this.” Josie’s voice was shaking. “How are there so many planes? We only heard the one before. There must be government or military in place somewhere. Why wouldn’t they be looking for survivors?”

  “Wake up, Josie! They don’t fucking care!” Eve yelled. “They’re just going to bomb everything until there is nothing left but ashes. We are on our own.”

  “Don’t you dare yell at her!” Quinn came to her defense. She was wound up tightly and wasn’t going to allow Eve to take anything out on Josie. “If you have yelling to do, you direct it at me.”

  “It’s okay.” Josie grabbed Quinn’s hand. “I can handle it.”

  “She has no right yelling at you.”

  “I’m sorry,” Eve surrendered, taking a deep breath. “I’m just worried.”

  Quinn was on the verge of responding when she heard the truck pull up and skid to a stop. “Gunther…” She ran to the window. She saw him laying back in the driver’s seat. “Gunther!” She threw open the door and ran out to the truck, Shannon and Eve following.

  Mitch jumped out and ran to Eve. Quinn grabbed the handle of the driver’s door and yanked it open. Gunther looked completely spent. Shannon ran around the truck, looking for Reid.

  Chapter 34

  “Reid! Where’s Reid?!” Shannon yelled.

  I slipped out of the truck, barely able to stand or breathe. I grabbed Quinn’s face and kissed her. “I almost…thought I was going to…break my promise.” I bent over with my hands on my knees.

  “Reid!” Shannon screamed. She grabbed me and almost pulled me down to the ground. “I don’t see him. Where is he?” She had to know already, but wanted me to tell her differently.

  “I’m sorry.” I was full of remorse and grief. “I tried.”

  “What do you mean you’re sorry and you tried?” Shannon’s tears were pouring down her face.

  “He died.” I touched Shannon’s pale face. “I’m so sorry.” She was stunned. No words or sounds were escaping her mouth. I turned back to Quinn, looking for help, but I wanted to explain what had happened. “The planes…” I coughed hoarsely. “They were bombing all around us. I think they were bombing the highway and missed a couple times. They took out the road we were on. I tried, Quinn. I fucking tried.” My voice cracked as I coughed a few more times. Quinn grabbed me and held me. “I tried to save him, but I couldn’t. I worked my way through the dust and debris. There were undead body parts everywhere. I finally came up on him and he was missing a leg and had a huge hole in his abdomen. He was still alive, but pleading with me to end his pain. He begged me, and I couldn’t say no. I know how it feels, Quinn.” She rubbed my face with her hand. I turned and faced Shannon again. “He wanted me to tell you he loved you.”

  Shannon collapsed and I caught her before she hit the ground. Eve left Mitch standing alone and ran to her. She was crying so hard, there was no sound coming from her. It tore me up. I needed to get away from it all.

  Eve was trying to calm her, but her efforts were useless. The sounds eventually found their way out of her throat. Her cries were so full of heartache and pain. The only word I could make out was “Reid”. She cried out his name over and over again. It was a crushing feeling in my chest.

  Levi and Janny had been standing quietly. Then Levi said, “Eve, let’s take her inside.” Levi knelt down and Shannon wrapped herself around him. He hoisted her up and carried her inside.

  Mitch, Janny, Quinn, Josie, and I stayed outside. I was leaning against the truck, my head in my hands. My entire body was covered in dust and dirt, and I was still coughing. “Are you okay?” Quinn asked tenderly. She wiped off what dirt remained around my mouth and nose.

  “He inhaled a lot while he was in the dust cloud, looking for Reid. I ended up running in myself and dragging him out of there because he was in it too long. I met him halfway in and he was near throwing up from coughing so hard.”

  “Thank you,” Quinn said. I was thankful to Mitch, as much as I didn’t want to admit it. It didn’t matter that he shot me and tried to kill her just a short time ago. “We should have Levi check you out.”

  “I’ll be fine. Let’s get the truck unloaded so I can sit down and figure out what the fuck we are going to do since the road we were planning to take is gone.” I pulled myself away from the truck and walked around to the back. Opening the gate, the supplies fell out all over the ground. I ran my bloodstained hands over my dusty clothes while I stood looking at the mess all over the ground. “Sorry. We were in a rush and I kind of drove like a maniac trying to get back here to you. I had to make sure you were okay.”

  “I’m fine. It’s fine. You did great.” Quinn was obviously a little overwhelmed by everything she was seeing: clothes, shoes, food, books, medical supplies, and even wine. I knew she felt terrible about what happened to Reid and it seemed a bit shallow, but the smile on her face at the sight of a clean pair of pants gave me a brief moment of happiness.

  We unloaded the truck and went inside to just sit and think for a moment about how we were going to get out of the area. Shannon was still sobbing. I couldn’t bear witness to it for another moment. I got up and stalked off to the bedroom, slamming the door.

  The sound of Shannon’s sobs were drowned out by a sickening roar from Gunther, followed by the sound of his fist slamming into the wall. Quinn wasn’t sure if she should leave him be for a moment, or if she should rush in there and console him. She knew how explosive he was when he was emotional.

  She opted to leave him be for a few moments to allow him to try and work thro
ugh his extreme emotions. It was what was best for both of them. He tended to get extraordinarily violent when he stepped over the edge. She rubbed her head where it still ached, reminding her of his temperamental behavior.

  For some reason, it never occurred to Quinn that one of the others could be lost in the scavenging trip because she only focused on losing Gunther. She felt guilty for ignoring that fact.

  It could very easily have been Gunther who was lost. She glanced back at the supplies again. There were so many things they needed, but she almost didn’t want to touch them. She felt they were tainted with death and despair.

  The bedroom door opened behind her.

  “Quinn…,” I coughed out.

  She rushed to me. I grabbed her hand and pulled her into the bedroom, closing the door behind us. I sat down on the edge of the bed and scrubbed my face with my dirty hands.

  “I’ve seen a lot of terrible things and I’ve done even more horrific things. I’ve killed a lot of undeads and people. But I have never felt as guilty and sick to my stomach as I do right now.” She grabbed my hand and sat down beside me. I didn’t know how to sort out my feelings between necessity, grief, and guilt.

  “Please, don’t blame yourself. I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling right now…having to be put in such an awful position.” She chose her words carefully and tenderly.

  “You don’t understand. It’s my fault.”

  “Gunther…” Quinn grabbed my face, and my eyes must have been bright because they nearly took her breath away. She knew I drank Reid’s blood. I looked away, full of shame. “You tried to save him.”

  “We were parked in front of what looked like a tourist trap that’s down the road, adjacent to the highway. We looted the general store, then the clothing store next door. As we came out, a plane went overhead. Then we saw a herd of undeads staggering toward us. It was mental. I grabbed the rifle and was picking them off, until I ran out of ammo.” I stopped speaking for a moment. “I didn’t check the guns before we left. If I had, I wouldn’t have run out. I wouldn’t have run toward the herd and began picking them off with my handgun. If I would have checked them earlier, I wouldn’t have run out of ammo in my handgun and Reid…wouldn’t have tried to be the hero. He told me to get back to the truck. I was heading back and another plane flew over, dropping another bomb close to where he was standing. The concussion and debris knocked me and Mitch to the ground. I got up and ran into the debris cloud to go find Reid.”