My eyes were bogged down with tears. God damn me. Because of my role and Carly, there was so much guilt that I was living with already, but adding Reid on top of the mess was really weighing on me.
“I just about fell into the crater the bomb made in the road. The air was thick with dirt, dust, and smoke. I was calling for him. Then I heard Reid call back. Quinn…” She pulled me into an embrace. “After all the things I have seen and done, I have never had someone beg me to kill them. I had to help him. I felt it was the right thing to do.”
“You did the right thing for him. More than likely, he wouldn’t have even survived the trip back here.”
“I feel guilty that I…you know.”
Quinn nodded. “I understand.”
“How do I get past it? How?”
“I don’t know, lover. I wish I had an answer for you.”
A hoarse cough ripped from my chest. She stood up and went to the door. “Where are you going?” Quinn didn’t answer. She opened the door and asked Levi to come in and check me out. “No, Quinn. Please. I’m fine.” She ignored me. Levi came to the door, bag in hand.
“Can you listen to his lungs? He keeps coughing.”
“Of course,” Levi said. Quinn waved him in.
Levi listened to my breathing for what seemed like an eternity and declared, obviously, that my coughing was due to an irritation from the dust and smoke. But without an x-ray, he couldn’t be sure.
He also said I should be getting more oxygen, but that couldn’t happen, either. I was more than willing to accept my diagnosis and move forward, but Quinn was still worried. Levi quietly left the room, closing the door behind him.
She sat back down beside me and brushed at my clothing. “We should probably get you cleaned up, Gun. Then we can try to figure out how we will get out of here. Come on. I’ll help wash you up.” Quinn grabbed my cool hand and took me back out into the common area.
She grabbed what I needed: soap, a beach towel we found in the store, and a fresh pair of pants. Clean pants. I shook my head, thinking about the things I used to take for granted prior to the outbreak. Like spending thousands on suits, jeans, and nice shoes. Now I was happy for a clean, cheap pair of cargos. I reloaded my gun and we headed outside to the well pump.
I primed the well and handed my gun to Quinn. It was bloody cold outside, but I stripped down to my birthday suit anyway. I swear J.T. headed north, hunting down a warmer place to relax…like my liver.
“You want me to hold up the towel so you’re shielded?”
“I couldn’t care less. I just want to get this shit off of me.”
I spent the next two minutes washing and rinsing with the frigid water. My bollocks were fighting J.T. for purchase near my diaphragm. Shivering, I dried off, then pulled on the starched cargo pants, throwing the towel over my shoulder.
We walked into the house and saw that Levi had stoked the fire. I sat right in front of it, still shirtless. Quinn was looking through the clothes. “Gun, you want long sleeves?”
“Yeah.” My voice sounded a little scratchy coming out of my throat that was, apparently, still full of glass shards and gravel. She brought over a long-sleeved t-shirt for me to put on. I coughed a few more times. “I’m pretty sure I grabbed a couple boxes of tea.” I looked up at her. “Would you mind? Might help my throat.”
“Of course not. All you have to do is tell me what you need.” She ran her hand over my head as she walked back to find the tea, the pot, and a mug.
Good woman…a damn good woman. She was in her element. She was enjoying taking care of me, and I was enjoying the care I was receiving.
She sat down next to me on the floor. Wrapping my strong arms around her, she rested her head on my shoulder, snuggling into me. I felt relieved that I kept my promise. My fear was if I didn’t, she would have died on the inside. Having already hurt her heart enough, I couldn’t bring her any more pain.
Chapter 35
My coughing and breathing had improved greatly over the course of the following week. Quinn was feeling much better, as well. I was so thankful for that. However, Shannon was still filled with grief, guilt, and sorrow. She kept saying how guilty she felt about her and Reid’s relationship issues they have had. They had many differences, caused mostly by Shannon’s lack of self-control. Big shocker.
Hearing bombing off in the distance was the norm. It was nerve-wracking for everyone. I was staring at maps constantly, trying to plan out different directions that Quinn, Josie, and I could travel. But I wasn’t sure if there was any highway left that wasn’t full of craters. I would pace back and forth for hours—in the shack or out front. It was beginning to drive everyone crazy, including myself.
I would start by sitting on the floor with several maps surrounding me, mumbling to myself. Quinn watched and worried over me because I was obsessing over it. I had gone outside and was sitting on the dilapidated stairs. She gave me a little time to sort myself out, then decided she would join me. “Hey,” Quinn said in a quiet purr, wrapping her arms around me. I was staring blankly off into the woods across the way. “Why don’t you take a break and rest for a few minutes?”
“I don’t have time to rest. We need to get out of here.”
“I understand that, but you can’t keep doing this to yourself.”
Finally, I confessed, “Quinn…I don’t know what to do.” This had to be a startling reality for her because I always had an answer for everything, with the exception of emotional bullshit. She knew I was struggling with it, but just didn’t know how much. “I’m afraid once we leave, we will get stuck somewhere. I wasn’t prepared for this.” I rubbed my temples and my eyes. According to her, when we got up that morning, they were a lighter shade of green, and the dark circles under my eyes screamed excessive fatigue.
Quinn was well aware I hadn’t been sleeping, either. She would wake up several times during the night and I would be sitting on the edge of the bed, my head in my hands. A few times, she found me crying, trying to let my guilt out. She would try to console me…unsuccessfully.
“Come on. I want you to lie down and rest.” I was so exhausted, I gave into her and dragged my arse into the bedroom.
“You’re in need?” she asked me with a quirked brow, watching me rub my temples as I lay down on the bed.
“Yeah,” I muttered in disgust.
Quinn grabbed my pack from under the bed and sat back against the headboard. I hooked her up for a draw, and, of course, some tosser had to knock on the door. Quinn panicked. We had been doing well at keeping my secret under wraps. I pulled my shirt off, trying to make it look like I was getting ready to lay down, and went to the door.
If I only cracked the door open, I was large enough to block Quinn from view. Quinn eased herself under the covers, trying not to hurt herself with the needle. Nodding to her, I opened the door.
Eve was standing there, trying to peek around me. “Is Quinn up?”
“No, she’s lying down with me. Neither one of us have slept for a few days.” I had my arm high on the doorjamb, hoping she was out of sight.
“Right. Okay.” Eve leaned into me. When she could feel my cool breath on her face, she shivered. She furrowed her brows for a brief moment before she whispered, “I need help with Shannon. I don’t know what else to do.”
“Look. I did everything I could to save him. I nearly died myself. And, as odd as this sounds, Mitch saved my arse. I don’t want to sound cold,” Eve shivered again, “but she needs to move forward. They were divorcing.”
“I know. She is just guilt-ridden.” I shrugged, and she narrowed her eyes at me. “She lost her husband,” she growled.
“What do you want me to do? We’ve all lost people, Eve. We all have had to move forward. Quinn lost her husband, daughter, and grandson. Josie lost her parents and brother. The losses are piling up around us. That doesn’t mean it isn’t tragic, but we are in survival mode here. And now, with someone bombing the shit out of everything, who the fuck knows what will hap
pen an hour from now…let alone tomorrow. She needs to thank her lucky stars that she is alive and can move on. We cannot dwell on what was. We have to live in the moment.”
What I said was the damn truth, but it was so very cold. I needed someone to break up the heated discussion before I flipped out again. I needed to get Quinn unhooked. She had to have just about filled three vials.
“Gunther?” she asked in a purposely scratchy, tired voice.
“I have to go.” I slammed the door in Eve’s face. I growled under my breath, the muscles on the sides of my face twitching.
“Can you…?” Quinn pointed at her arm.
“Yes, sorry.” I unhooked her and dumped back the vials. She watched my whole body relax. I threw my head back and lay on the end of the bed, my arms behind my head.
Quinn reached down and traced the angles of my face with her fingertips. I smiled, but my eyes remained closed. “Come up here and cuddle with me.” She didn’t have to ask me twice. I opened my emerald eyes and was greeted by Quinn’s sultry brown eyes. So fucking beautiful.
“Hey,” I said with a bit of a sexy edge.
“Come on,” she said. I crawled my way up the bed and spooned with her. No matter what was happening, I wanted her to feel secure with my body wrapped around hers. As much as I wanted to fuck her brains out, I was exhausted and needed to sleep for a bit.
My rhythmic, chilly breath brushed along her cheek as I nestled my face next to her ear. She settled in comfortably and fell asleep beside me. I could only hope I made her feel as amazing as she made me feel.
Later that day, Josie, Levi, and I went out to collect more wood for the fireplace. We had to travel further and further each time to find wood that was useable. We walked close to a half-mile before anybody said anything. “When do you think you will be taking off?” Levi asked.
“I was thinking about making a test run to see if there are areas we can get through, but I don’t want to waste the gas. The further north we go, the colder it will be. I can’t risk running out of gas anywhere.”
“Is this a first for you?” Confused, I looked at him. “The first time you didn’t know what to do?”
Jesus Christ, was he reading my mind? Maybe he heard Quinn and me talking earlier. “Yeah, pretty much,” I unwillingly admitted. I didn’t like admitting that to Quinn, let alone someone who was a stranger.
“You seem well-trained and knowledgeable about all of this.”
Levi was getting a little too curious about me, which made me uncomfortable. I almost felt like he was about to interrogate me, which wouldn’t turn out well for him. “Let’s just say I have been through a lot. My life hasn’t exactly been a house with white picket fence, and a loving mummy and daddy.” I continued to walk and pick up wood.
“Were you abused?” I stopped dead in my tracks. I chewed on my cheek for a moment, trying to decide what I was going to say.
Josie touched my shoulder. “Why don’t we head back? I’m getting chilly.” I still hadn’t moved, wondering if the scarring from my past was visible. Maybe my secrets weren’t hidden as well as I thought. I knew Quinn or Josie would never say anything to them.
I met Levi’s eyes and started to walk again. “My life was in shambles until I met Quinn. She helped turn me around. I’d rather not talk about it. It’s too deep and personal.”
“When are you going to come clean with us?” I stopped again and Josie’s breathing stalled. That was it; the jig was up. The good doctor figured me out. Josie swallowed hard and braced herself for the storm that was about to come through.
I cocked my head to one side. “Clean about what?”
“Your involvement… You know too much. You just seem more knowledgeable than the average Joe.”
“Know too much about what?” I was working the playing dumb angle seemingly well. At least I thought so.
“You have a destination. You knew everything there was to know about all of the weapons we brought with us. You’re secretive. You three spend a hell of a lot of time together by yourselves. I just feel like you’re up to something. Keep in mind that these are just observations, not accusations.”
“I want to find someone who lives there. Family, you know? I’m hoping they’re still alive. I know about those weapons because I have been military trained.” I shook my head at him with some disbelief thrown in. I hoped my act was believable.
“Right.” His response was short.
“I worked for the government in a special forces unit, much like your CIA here. So I was a ghost. And, as for us, we spend a lot of time together because the three of us are family. Quinn might as well be my wife and Josie my daughter. I’m all either one of them have left. And they’re all I have.” Christ, wasn’t that the bloody truth.
“Why are you so secretive? Always going off by yourselves? What do you know?”
My body went rigid. Josie could see I was about to go off. Levi was always so passive and reserved, so he questioning me was a bit alarming. She decided to interject before things went bad. “Maybe we should be heading back.” I was standing in front of Levi, seething with anger. “Gunther, come on.” Josie pulled on my arm, but I was like a marble statue, staring Levi down. Hopefully, he wasn’t stupid enough to make a move on me because I was pretty sure I could annihilate him in seconds.
“Do you really want to know what I am doing in that bedroom?” I growled.
“Gunther, don’t. Let’s just go back.” When she saw I was unresponsive, she tried another angle. “Quinn will be worried.”
I pushed Josie off my arm. “I’m fucking Quinn. When I’m not fucking Quinn, Josie’s in there planning or hanging with us because we are a family. Is that what you want to hear? That Quinn and I are fucking? Look out, everyone. The big secret it out! The good doctor figured it out!” I threw the wood down and started flailing my arms up in the air. “Whew…I am so relieved everyone knows that Quinn and I are fucking now. The weight has been lifted off my shoulders!” Then I took one step closer to Levi’s face and jammed my finger into his chest repeatedly. “I don’t recall that what my family and I are doing behind a closed door is any of your damn business.”
“Is that why she started sleeping in the common area?” He pointed to Josie.
“I am standing right here and I am certain I can speak for myself,” she snipped. “And yes, I started sleeping in the common area so they could have time alone. I was tired of the constant insinuations of their sexual relationship. Is there anything else you need to know, or are we good?” Good job, lass.
“I just want to know what he’s keeping to himself. If it’s information that would help us all, he should share it.”
Josie grabbed my arm again. “Come on. Let’s go.” She glared at Levi. “You should keep your mouth shut before he…”
“Before he what? Beats me like he did Mitch, or kill me like he did Reid?”
“You motherfucker!” I shoved Levi and he fell to the ground.
“Gunther! No!” Josie latched her waif self onto my arm. I tried to shake her off, but she wasn’t having it.
I was spitting mad. “Mitch deserved what he got! If my memory serves, I am sure you agreed he did! And I didn’t do anything to Reid that he didn’t beg for! He was dying, missing a leg, and his entire abdomen looked like ground meat. Try living with that fucking picture in your head every goddamn day. Every time I close my eyes, I see him; every time I try to sleep, I hear him begging me to end the pain. I have been struggling with whether or not I made the right decision every day since. But I don’t need to justify my actions to you. And don’t you fucking judge me for the decisions I have made.”
Josie continued to pull on my arm. “Come on. Quinn will be worried. Let’s go.” Josie bent down and started picking up the wood I threw to the ground. “Gunther, come on.” I was still glowering at Levi, who was nearly wetting himself.
“Go fuck yourself, Levi.” I stalked off toward the shack, Josie right on my tail. I grabbed the wood from her as we headed bac
k. Levi got up and walked a short distance behind us.
We made it back to the shack quite a bit faster than it took us to walk all the way out. I yanked open the door and dropped the wood by the fireplace, sending a thunderous rattle through the shack. I stormed into the bedroom and slammed the door.
Quinn was standing at the kitchenette nursing a bottle of water when she locked eyes with Josie. Levi came in shortly after, looking self-conscious. “What happened?” Quinn wasn’t sure that she wanted an answer to her question.
“He and Levi had a…minor disagreement.”
Quinn looked up at the ceiling and threw her arms up in the air. “What now?” she yelled.
“Levi was acting accusatory and it pissed him off. Levi even accused him of killing Reid instead of helping him.”
“What?!” Mitch asked as he stood up.
“Levi accused Gunther of killing Reid.”
“Wow. I’m pretty sure he didn’t do anything Reid didn’t ask him to do. You didn’t see him when I drug him out of there. He was a mess.”
Mitch was supporting Gunther, which made Levi wary. It was a change in the dynamic of the group. Levi almost thought that Mitch’s fear of Gunther was what made him jump to his immediate defense.
“He would never hurt anyone unless there was just cause.” Quinn was firm in her statement. “How dare you, Levi? What possessed you to say those things to him?” She knew Gunther better than anyone else. Probably better than he knew himself. “I can’t believe you would accuse him of that! You, of all people! You have no idea how torn up he is on the inside. He is tortured. He has cried many nights over whether or not he made the right choice.” Her voice cracked.
Awakened Desires Page 39
