Awakened Desires

by Rissa Blakeley

  A starchy whisper filled the room as Nick reached down and grasped the rough sheet between his fingers, slowly pulling it up, pausing at Willow’s face. “I love you, my sweet baby girl,” he murmured as he pulled the sheet up over Willow. He looked up and pulled the sheet up over Claire’s face, neatly tucking it around her. He let out a loud exhale and wiped his face with the backs of his hands.

  Nick paced around the room for a few minutes, trying to gather himself enough to be able to open the door and let everyone know he was ready to bury the love of his life and the daughter they made out of that love.

  He wasn’t ready. How could he be?

  Every fiber in his body told him to put a bullet in his head so he could be with them, but he couldn’t do that to Elaina. She needed him. He turned and looked at the door, taking the three steps toward it. Nick laid his hand on the knob and looked back one last time at Claire and his daughter.

  Henry and Thomas walked back from the cafeteria, and Henry stepped right up to Elaina, wrapping his arms around her once again. “Where did Nick go?”

  “He said he wanted to see her again.”

  Henry pursed his lips. “I’m sorry you lost them, love,” he said roughly.

  “Please, don’t. I can’t handle that right now.” The door to the clinic creaked opened, and Nick locked eyes with Elaina. He looked awful. “Nick…” She rushed to his side and wrapped her arms around him.

  “She’s gone, Elaina. They’re gone,” he whispered. He cried into her hair. She held him while he fell apart. “I love them so much.”

  “I know. I know you do.”

  “I won’t ever stop.”

  “No one said that you have to. She would never stop loving you.”

  He pulled away from Elaina and looked at Henry. “I’m ready.”

  “All right. Do you want me to carry her?” Henry offered.

  “No. I want to,” Nick murmured, shaking his head.

  “Thomas, come on. We’ll lower her in.” Thomas nodded and they both headed outside.

  Nick opened the clinic door and padded up to Claire and Willow. Elaina stood there for a moment, watching him debate on how he wanted to pick them up.

  As he fiddled with the sheet wrapped around them, he cleared his throat. “They wrapped another sheet around her upper body with Willow resting on her chest and Claire’s arms wrapped around her.”

  “Oh god,” Elaina choked. She slapped her hands over her face, then felt Nick’s arms wrap around her.

  “It was very touching and I’m glad they did.”

  Elaina nodded into his shoulder. “Me, too,” she croaked out.

  Nick pulled away from her and went back to the cot. He closed his eyes for a brief second, taking a deep breath. He opened his eyes and pushed one arm under her upper body, one under her knees. With tender movements, he picked up his two loves.

  Nick turned toward Elaina, who opened the door. He stepped out with her following behind him. She looked down the hall, seeing Josie and Cora standing there with the kids, and pursed her lips, acknowledging them. Elaina turned around and walked past Nick.

  It was the longest walk of their lives.

  She opened the door and allowed Nick to pass through. Just as Elaina was closing the door, she saw Quinn and Gunther leaning against the school. Quinn gave her a nod, and Elaina could see the distress across Gunther’s face. She was pleased to see he was feeling a little of her pain.

  Chapter 43

  I watched Nick carry Claire and his baby off toward the grave behind the school, Elaina right by his side. Stepping to the corner of the building, I watched them as they made it to the burial site. Henry and Thomas jumped into the grave—Henry at the head, Thomas at the foot.

  It was obvious that Elaina didn’t want to, but she took Claire’s legs, Nick shifting around to her upper body. A shudder ran rampant through Elaina’s body. I could only think that the chill of Claire’s body reminded her of Henry’s. They stepped up to the grave, squatted, and Henry and Thomas took the bodies from them.

  With kid gloves, they lowered them into the grave, taking extra care to lay them down gently. Henry hoisted himself out of the grave and held his hand out to Thomas, helping him up. He walked around behind Elaina and placed his hands on her shoulders. When he inhaled, his body rejected his breath, causing him to shudder. He was trying not to cry, trying to be strong for Elaina. They all stood there for a few long minutes, wiping the tears off their cheeks and sniffling.

  “Do you want to pay your respects?” Quinn murmured in my ear.

  I turned and looked at her. “They wouldn’t want me to. I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

  The side door opened and Cora, Josie, and the kids came out.

  “Come on, all of us. We will stand a short distance away and give them their space, but show our support,” she said as she rubbed my ear with her fingers.

  After several moments of trying to find the right words to refuse, I relented and took her hand. The seven of us headed toward the grave. Elaina heard us approach and when she glanced back, she was surprised to see us standing not far from them. It was plainly obvious from the look on her face she didn’t want me there, but she wasn’t about to make a scene.

  Henry stepped around Elaina and walked up to the head of the grave. He cleared his throat. “Before we bury Claire and Willow, I would like to say a few things.”

  Oh fuck. I had to keep myself together. My knees were turning into jelly. Knowing that I was losing it, Quinn wrapped her arm around my waist. The guilt was tearing me to bits. I glanced over at Elaina and it looked as if she was going to fall apart. Her hands shook, along with the rest of her body. She reached over and took Nick’s hand.

  “I loved Claire like a sister. She was family…one of my only family members. She always treated me with respect, even when I didn’t deserve it, and put me in my place when I needed it. And, without a doubt, I absolutely needed it at times. Two times, she punched me…once when this whole thing started, and once when she knocked out a tooth with a fantastic right hook.” He smiled while rubbing his jaw, and they all chuckled through their tears. “I brought a lot of hardship into her life but, despite that, she showed me such compassion. Especially when things were heading in such the wrong direction and I couldn’t see past my own nose. I am privileged to have known her and truly full of sorrow for not being able to watch her raise little Willow.” He reached down to his left and grabbed a fistful of dirt. Then he choked out, “May you and your beautiful baby girl rest in peace.”

  Together, we all whispered, “Amen.”

  Henry tossed the fistful of dirt into the grave and headed back, stopping at Thomas. “You want to say anything, mate?” Thomas shook his head as he wiped tears from his cheeks. “I understand.” Henry patted him on the shoulder and stepped to Elaina. “How about you, love?” She swallowed hard and nodded, working to keep herself together. Leaving Henry standing with Nick and Thomas, she slowly walked to the head of the grave.

  Elaina looked into my guilty eyes for several long moments with so much unfeigned strength, I had to look away. “As you know, Claire has been in our lives for years and years. She was a sister to me—a twin sister. She was my strength when I was weak, which was more often than I care to admit. She was my better half, I suppose. Always proper and ready to shut me down when I was about to make some sort of stupid comment that, in her eyes, wouldn’t be appropriate.” She smirked, as did the rest of their group. “I was the devious twin, but no matter how awful I was acting, she would be there to straighten me out and make me do what I needed to do. Her encouragement was what got me through all of Henry’s and my issues. Without her here, I’m not sure how I will get through this. I need her.”

  She lost it. Henry went rushing forward as Elaina started falling to the ground. He caught her just as she crashed to her knees. She tried so fucking hard to be strong, but she couldn’t hold the front anymore.

  Seeing Elaina like that crippled me. I didn’t know her, but it wa
s damn obvious that watching Claire die affected her on a deep level. Knowing that real people were feeling this way wasn’t nearly as potent as seeing it with my own two eyes. I had witnessed breakdowns, but nothing held a candle to what was going on at that gravesite.

  Henry pulled Elaina to her feet and ushered her off to the side, holding her tight in his arms. Nick walked past them and patted Elaina on the back. I wasn’t sure I would be able to handle him speaking his true emotions because it was already affecting me on a level I couldn’t grasp. My chest was aching and I wanted it to stop. I wanted to be able to take back what I did and get tortured for not obeying orders. I would’ve happily turned completely undead if I had known the future held the sorrow that was before me.

  “My Claire…” Nick cleared his throat. “What can I say about her? Once I realized she was truly what I needed, I became so wrapped up with her. I’m such a fool for not paying attention earlier in our lives to her efforts to make me hers. I would have had a lot more time with her than I had. When we realized she was pregnant, I was scared as hell, but I stayed as strong as I could for her. I feared the unknown as much as she did, but I couldn’t imagine making the journey with anyone else. Once we worked through it, we couldn’t have been happier knowing what we had made from our love. My Claire, so beautiful…” He choked out as he pressed his fist to his mouth, biting down on his knuckle. “I love you so much, and I am so proud to have called you mine. You will forever be mine and forever be in my heart. Without a doubt, I will forever be lost without you.”

  His words were so powerful, everyone was crying…including me. He took a few moments to choke back his own sobs before he continued, “My little Willow…” He hung his head. Fuck me. All I thought about was Carly and the baby. “Jesus…what can I say about my baby girl? I am so sorry that I’m unable to raise you…hold you….rock you…be there for you…kick your first boyfriend’s ass.” A low chuckle broke through their group. “But you have the best Momma in the world. She is going to love you and nurture you until we meet again.” Nick reached down and picked up one handful of dirt. “Rest in peace, Claire—my beautiful love. You will no longer have to face another worry or sleepless night.” After he tossed the dirt into the grave, he reached down and grabbed another handful. “Rest in peace, Willow—my beautiful baby girl. I can’t wait to see you again.”

  He tossed that handful of dirt into the grave and we all whispered another “amen”. As Elaina sobbed, Henry guided her to the ground, then he and Thomas grabbed the shovels. As they put shovelful after shovelful of dirt into the grave, Nick sat down next to his sister and they huddled together.

  Nick and Elaina sat by the grave for hours. Every now and then, Henry would check on them but, for the most part, he left them alone, allowing them to grieve together. It was truly a moving sight.

  Chapter 44

  The dreary day and somber air rattled me to the core. To witness such raw emotion made hatred for myself burn through my body more than ever before. Jesus Christ, I was so fucking sorry for all I did. The guilt was overwhelming and exhausting. I wished it was me who died so I wouldn’t have to face it for another minute. How selfish was I?

  I had to live for Quinn. I caused her too much pain and despair to die on her. Nervous, energy-filled hands mindlessly tracked through my hair and over my face time and time again.

  “I’m going to go talk to Henry about our situation.”

  My head snapped in her direction and I grabbed Quinn’s arm just as she tried to step away. “The fuck you are,” I growled.

  “Don’t you dare start this with me. We are in a tight spot right now and I’m going to get it taken care of.”

  “You don’t think I can handle that?” I was really angry that she didn’t have any faith in me.

  “Actually, I don’t,” she said and my eyes grew huge. Her voice softened. “Gunther, you have so much anger built up inside of you over him. You two would come to blows before you could talk something out. You know I’m right. Now, I’m going to go talk to him and try to work something out. Besides, he needs someone with a little more gentle tone right now.” She was fucking right, as usual, but I didn’t have to like it.

  “I don’t like this at all,” I muttered under my breath.

  “You don’t have to. Stay put. Do you understand me?” I nodded and worried about what I had just agreed to. Only she could put me in my place like that.

  Slowly, Quinn approached Henry. He was watching Elaina and Nick from a distance. “May I speak with you?” Quinn asked. With cold and unforgiving eyes, he glared at her. I observed the exchange while leaning against Henry’s truck.

  I was still surprised he had left my hands untied. They needed another set of hands to help dig Claire and Willow’s grave, but he didn’t trust me and I got the feeling he wasn’t finished with me yet. He must not have thought I would be going anywhere. That was the truth. Where the fuck were we going to go? With next to no gas and no shelter, we were at his mercy—a tight spot, as Quinn said.

  “I suppose.” Henry glanced over, keeping track of me. Likewise, motherfucker. I was practically snarling, seeing him in such close proximity to my Quinn. One false move and there would be another grave to dig.

  They began chatting. Frustration washed over me because I couldn’t hear a bloody word they were saying. I had to trust Quinn that she knew what she was doing, but it didn’t stop me from worrying.

  “First, I would like to apologize for what has happened with Claire and her baby. It’s a tremendous loss for your family, and I just want to let you know, on behalf of my group, that we are truly sorry. I wish we could have done more to help.”

  Henry folded his arms tenaciously in front of his chest as if he squeezed hard enough, his emotions wouldn’t spill out all around them. “I appreciate that.” His voice cracked just enough to warrant more sympathy from Quinn. “I loved Claire like a sister.” He kicked at a rock with the toe of his dust-covered black boot.

  “I can tell.” She paused, sucking in a deep breath, feeling bad for what she was about to do. It wasn’t the right time, but she was out of options. What she was about to ask would cause anger, especially during Henry’s time of sorrow. “I also want to ask you to have mercy on my Gunther.” As the words fell from her lips, she felt a trickle of relief run down her spine.

  Henry looked at her questionably, then laughed. “Why would I grant you such a ridiculous gesture?!” he rumbled. “You do realize what he did? You do know, right?”

  Quinn’s face shifted from strong to an intense emotional state. She was struggling. Henry sensed her love for Gunther and knew she was about to put up the fight of her life.

  “The person who he really is has made me forgive the person he was programmed to be. You only know Roger’s Gunther. You don’t know him.” She paused and gazed at Gunther, who was still watching every breath and every muscle twitch. Quinn knew he was ready to pounce.

  Henry cleared his throat, a whiff of booze slapping her across the face. “I know him plenty, thank you very much.” He pulled down the neck of his shirt. “You see these?” Letting his shirt go, he pointed to the heavy scar on his lip. “How about this?” He ran his fingers over the smaller scars across his face. “Maybe these?” A swift yank of his sleeve and he exposed the thick scar on the underside of his left forearm. “Maybe this will help you understand how much I fucking know him.” He then pointed to his temple. “Or this…”

  “You know he was abused as much as you were.”

  Henry leaned closer. The booze on his breath kicked in her face. “He did this to me.” She wasn’t sure exactly what he was insinuating, but she was going to make the assumption that he was blaming his alcoholism on Gunther, as well.

  “It wasn’t him. He only did what he was directed to do because of the terroristic measures that were used against him. You of all people should know and understand that!” Henry stared at her, the muscle at his jaw ticking away. “He knows what he did was wrong, and he has to live with tha
t every single day of his life…or sort of life.” She shook her head.

  “He could have walked away, exactly as I did,” Henry snarled.

  “You are much stronger than he is. He was scared. He still is. He’s damn terrified of Roger. He didn’t want to be abused anymore. You can understand that, can’t you?”

  Henry scoffed. “Like I wanted to endure any more myself. Leaving England was my out, until that fucknut over there decided to come pay me a visit. Fucking his way through the streets of New York, destroying what semblance of life I built for myself. He fucked up our lives and that will go without forgiveness from me.”

  Quinn wiped the tears from her cheeks. “He nearly killed himself because of this. I’m sure that thought has crossed your mind a few times.” She was digging deep and fast for Gunther.

  “Yeah, it has,” he muttered quietly, as if he didn’t want to admit that suicide was top on his list of options to get out of his abhorrent life. Henry dug the toe of his boot into the dirt.

  “Once he realized he could love, have and receive feelings, it scared the hell out of him. I think you understand what I’m saying.” Quinn was trying to get through to Henry with the same emotions that she was certain he had himself.

  “I do.” He lifted his ball cap, which he had pulled down tight to hide his barren eyes and himself. He pushed his hand through his disheveled locks. She noted his gray irises and the bloodshot whites. He looked sick and fatigued. The dark circles that laid heavy under his eyes spoke clearly of his vivid account of life. He looked like an empty soul. Nothing more than a walking, vapid shell of a man.