by Tara Kelly
She said it so calmly, too calmly, like she was trying to convince herself.
“You know that girl who got murdered?” Jenika cut in. “She was missing a week, and she was alive—right up until the morning they found her body.”
I winced at her words, both in anticipation of Cindy’s reaction…and the reality of it. When Amber went missing, she disappeared into the night, just like Alex.
“I know that,” Cindy said. “The police have been here twice to question him. You’d think he was a suspect.”
Twice? That was news to me… I looked over at Megan, but her eyes were fixed on the ground, her hair wound tight around her fingers.
“I told him to clean up his act or this kind of thing would happen,” Cindy continued, her gaze resting on Megan. “You two already have enough to overcome.”
Megan lifted her head. “He’s missing,” she said between her teeth. “We should fucking do something about it.”
Cindy lifted her finger, her mouth dropping open. “You don’t—”
“There are people who want to hurt him!” Megan yelled over her.
“Who? Why?” Cindy ran her fingers over the dry skin on her elbow, her cheeks a few shades paler than they were a minute go.
“Some rich kids,” I said. “They’re the ones who messed up the El Camino.”
Cindy’s face scrunched up, and she turned her back to us, picking up a towel and wiping off her hands. “I need to talk to Megan,” she said. “I’m going to have to ask the two of you to leave.”
Megan held her hand up and gave me a nod, saying it was okay.
“If she doesn’t report this, you need to do it,” I told her, not caring that Cindy was well within earshot.
Then I left, letting the door slam shut behind me.
We stood in front of Jenika’s house, taking in the damage in the light of day. Yellow tape that said Fire Line Do Not Cross blocked off the entrance. Scorch marks reached outward from the window like sun rays, and the air reeked of melted plastic and burned fingernails, the kind of smell that embedded itself deep in your nostrils. I couldn’t see inside the window; it resembled a cave, black and infinite. It went with the stillness of the day. The dread in the pit of stomach. The anger gouging at my throat.
I pulled my mom’s emergency phone out of my pocket and dialed Zach’s cell number. Like I expected, he didn’t pick up.
“I have video of you breaking into my room last night,” I said to his voicemail. “Meet me at Vista Pizza by noon or I’m taking it to the cops.”
“That’s real fucking intimidating,” Jenika said when I hung up. “Meet me at Vista Pizza by noon,” she imitated me in a low voice. “We’ll chow down and catch up.”
“It’s open, and it’s public. That’s all I care about.”
“We’ll get a lot more out of him if you have him meet you at the creek, and I call some people.”
“What are you, the mob? He has his own people he can call. A public place tells him he’s safe. He’s a lot more likely to come alone. And I want him alone.”
She shook her head. “He’s not going to tell you dick.”
“If you and your friends want to try to lure him out to some deserted place afterward, go for it. I wish you luck with that.”
“No, moron.” She moved in front of me. “The key is having you set it up. He won’t know we’re there until it’s too late.”
“If I tell Zach I’m waiting in the woods all by myself, he’ll know something’s up and he’ll bring company. Maybe it’ll just be Christian. Maybe it’ll be five of them. We don’t know. Are you guys going to have my back if you’re outnumbered?”
Jenika stared up at me, her dark eyes showing no signs of backing down.
“I didn’t think so,” I said, before turning and walking away.
“I didn’t say no,” she called after me.
I kept going.
Mom called as I waited inside Vista Pizza. I’d picked a booth by the window, so I could see Zach approaching and anyone who might be with him.
“I’m okay,” I said, before telling her that Alex was still missing.
“Are you going home soon?”
“Just grabbing some pizza. Jenika got hungry,” I threw in. Mom knew me well enough to know I’d have zero appetite right now. I’d only been here a minute, and the thick smell of canned tomatoes, cheap pepperoni, and Parmesan was already making my stomach turn.
“I still think he’ll turn up soon,” Mom said. “It’s not the first time he’s wandered off for a while, you know?”
Yeah, people said that about Amber too. If it were me, she would’ve already assumed the worst and called the cops hours ago. But she was going to try to reassure me right up until the moment she couldn’t anymore.
Zach’s green Mustang pulled up along side the curb. He was alone in the car, at least.
“I have to go,” I told Mom. “Call me right away if you hear from Megan.”
Zach took his time getting out of the car, and I could tell, as he ambled toward the entrance, he hadn’t been to sleep yet. Last night’s T-shirt and jeans were loose and rumpled, and his hair looked dry and frizzy.
A jolt shot up my spine, springing my mind into action. I put my shaking hands in my lap, lacing my fingers together. If he saw me flinch, it was over. He’d know he had the upper hand.
As he approached, I took in his bloodshot eyes and hollow cheeks. I hadn’t noticed it last night, but he’d lost weight—at least five pounds. When he slid into the booth, I could tell he’d put on fresh deodorant, but it didn’t cover the scent of old sweat and last night’s booze.
He stared at his fingers, his breaths faster than they should’ve been. “Is there really a video?”
“I installed cameras—one above my room, one above the entrance. But I guess you’re not very observant.”
A server approached us, the forced smile on her face all too familiar. “Can I get you guys something to drink?”
“Lemonade,” I said, not taking my gaze off Zach.
He ordered coffee, still without looking up.
“Why didn’t you call the cops?” he asked, running his fingers back and forth across the table. Dirt was embedded under all of his nails, as if he’d been digging in the mud.
“Where’s Alex?” I asked.
He finally looked up with a squint. “What?”
“You heard me.”
“How the hell would I know?” His eyes were like dark pools of nothing right now. I couldn’t tell what he was feeling, if he was feeling anything.
We sat there for a good minute, staring each other down. He’d violated my trust. My privacy. I hoped every ounce of hate I felt was showing on my face.
The server came back with our drinks, eyeing us warily. She set the glasses gently in front of us and then scampered away.
“I know it was you leaving me those ridiculous letters,” I said.
“You mean the ones piled up next to your bed, like some kind of shrine?” He said it in a low, intimate voice, the way he used to talk to me when we were alone.
I squeezed my fingers together in my lap and kept my chin up, reminding myself not to falter. He was still Zach, spineless. “Why’d you write them?”
“Because, at the time, I meant it. I don’t anymore.”
“Your girlfriend was missing. And you still kept it up.”
His lips moved, but his words were inaudible.
A figure moving in my peripheral vision caught my eye. Jenika, appearing out of seemingly nowhere, slid in next to Zach, forcing him to scoot toward the window.
“How’s it going?” she asked him.
Zach straightened, his eyes darting between the two of us. “Why is she here?”
I shrugged.
“Tell me what you want,” he pressed.
“You’re the one stalking me,” I said. “What do you want?”
He studied me, his face scrunching up in disgust. “Did you enjoy it?”
“What kind of questio
n is that?” Jenika asked.
His words made my heart pound. I knew what he was asking, and it wasn’t as if I enjoyed being stalked. What happened between Alex and me last night was one of the most intense things I’d ever experienced. The kind of moment you kept in a lockbox inside your head because it wasn’t meant to exist anywhere else. It wasn’t anyone else’s business.
“You’re legally an adult now,” I said. “You think you’re going to get a slap on the wrist for breaking into my room?”
Zach’s chest rose and fell, but he didn’t blink. He glared at me, like he was trying to burn a hole between my eyes.
“I didn’t touch you,” he said, finally. “If that’s what you’re thinking.”
If he’d laid a hand on me, I would’ve woken up—that I knew for sure. But that wasn’t what I wanted to know. “You were in there for eleven minutes. You could’ve done anything.”
“I was going to talk to you, all right?” he said. “But then I saw him leave. And I saw you…” He looked out the window, his nose wrinkling. “You know what I saw…”
Jenika leaned toward him, her fingers tracing circles on the table near his elbow. “Where’s your master?” She craned her neck to view more of the sidewalk outside. “I know he can’t be far.”
“If you mean Christian, I don’t know. Nobody does.” He turned to face me. “Maybe he’s wherever Alex is.”
“He’s missing?” I asked, a shiver running down my neck.
“He was supposed to meet up with our friend Ben at midtide this morning. He didn’t show, and he’s not answering his phone.”
My gaze went to Jenika, but she didn’t even flinch. “Arson is tiring,” she said. “He’s probably passed out somewhere.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Zach’s voice rang out, loud enough to get the attention of a family sitting several booths down.
Jenika leaned even closer, her mouth inches from his ear. “You know. You were probably there.”
“Where?” he shouted again.
“Lower your voice,” I said. “You want everyone to know your business?”
His lips curved up, showing his teeth, but his eyes were rabid and vacant at the same time, the look I imagined addicts had when they couldn’t get their next fix. “Everyone already does.” He leaned toward me, his fingers digging into the table. “They’ve interrogated me. My family. Turned my house upside down. Took my things. My fingerprints. My spit. I couldn’t even mourn my girlfriend’s death”—his fist hit the table—“because I was too busy convincing people I didn’t kill her.”
“They’d need a warrant to take those things,” I said.
“They asked. I let them.”
“Then you can’t really complain, can you?” Jenika said. “They have to rule you out somehow.”
Zach’s breaths were getting shakier, and his fingers were curled into fists. “Why can’t you see it?” he asked me, his voice low and tense. “Even his own sister is afraid of him.”
Sweat was forming down my back, making an unreachable place under my shoulder blade itch.
Zach stared at me, shaking his head. It felt like minutes passed, but it was probably more like five seconds. “He left you a note.”
“I know. I want it back.”
“I burned it.”
I considered shoving this table right into his chest. “Then I guess I’ll have to go to the cops.”
“Do it,” he whispered. “I don’t give a fuck anymore.”
In a flash of movement, Jenika grabbed his hand, bent it back at an awkward angle, and used her other hand to pull his pinkie to the side, away from the rest of his fingers. “What about now?”
Zach winced, sucking in his breath. He pried at her death grip with his other hand, but she bent his pinkie more.
“The more you fight, the more it’s gonna hurt,” she said.
I looked around the restaurant, seeing if we had any witnesses. Luckily the only server in the place was busy talking to the cook. The family a few booths down had left.
“Go ahead,” Zach said. “Break it.” He let his arm and hand go limp, a dare in his eyes. “Do it in front of everyone.”
The server’s face turned in our direction. I leaned over, like I was picking something off Jenika’s shirt.
“We have an audience,” I whispered.
Jenika dropped his hand, and Zach rubbed at his pinkie, his brow crinkling when he tried to move it. She got up then, letting him out of the booth.
As he stood, she grabbed his arm and whispered, “Just remember. I know where you live, too.”
He tore his arm from her grasp and walked out, shoving the door open. Seconds later, his Mustang jerked away from the curb, the tires squealing down the street.
Sunday, July 6
I don’t understand people who are afraid to die. To me, life is a cage. You’re stuck in your body, in the limits of your own mind. No matter how fast you run or where you go, you can’t escape the noise. You can’t escape them. You can’t escape yourself.
Death is a journey. One day, those doors will open and you can be whoever you want. Go wherever you want. The options are endless. But you have to walk into the unknown, or you’ll be stuck here forever, as yourself. I may choose my time. I may not. But when it comes, I will go willingly, with my head held high. I hope you come with me.
Chapter Nineteen
The sirens in my head jolted me awake, dozens of them, like the morning they found Amber. My skin was covered in sweat, and my heart felt as if it were coming out of my chest. Only when I focused on the dim light glowing behind my curtains, the sirens kept going, getting louder until it seemed as if they were turning down my street. But they didn’t. They passed by on the main street and kept going for another ten seconds before their wails cut off, leaving only the sound of a bird’s laugh-like call.
I tore my covers off and threw on a pair of jeans and the first sweater I could grab. As I shut my bedroom door quietly behind me, Jenika emerged from the living room, where she’d decided to sleep, fully dressed.
“You heard them, too?” she whispered.
I nodded.
“Where do you think they went?” she asked.
I tiptoed toward the front door, motioning for her to come with me. It was just after 6:00 a.m. Mom would be up any minute, since we both had the opening shift.
The fog was thick this morning, so thick I couldn’t see the houses across the street. I hated fog as a kid, the way it would swallow up and mute everything around me. Sometimes I’d cry because I was terrified that, one of these times, the world would stay gone. And I would be alone.
That was how I felt as Jenika and I ran down my street. No matter how fast I went or how out of breath I got, it seemed like I was going nowhere. I’d never find a way out.
But the fog wasn’t as dense on Seal Point, the main road. The flashing blue and red lights were able to cut through, illuminating the pavement a couple blocks down. I knew where they were. Rainbow Creek Park.
It wasn’t until we got closer that I saw Neahkahnie County sheriff cars, at least three unmarked cop cars, and a white van that resembled an ambulance…but it wasn’t an ambulance. Coroner was painted on the side in blue lettering.
Nausea came on sharp and hard, and the muscles in my legs got weak. It felt like the world was growing dimmer.
Somehow my legs kept going.
Crime scene tape was already blocking off the entrance, and Officer Bube and Officer Mackey stood just behind it, facing each other. There were only a few onlookers gathered around. A woman in a jogging suit, her arms pressed in tight to her sides, one hand over her mouth. Mr. Kruse, who lived a couple doors down from us, gripping his dog’s leash. A transient couple with dirt-stained clothes and tired eyes who were probably sleeping in the park.
We couldn’t see much past the entrance, since the trail curved and went through a bunch of trees before reaching the creek.
“Let’s try getting in another way,” Jenika whispered
, her eyes wide and searching our surroundings.
The only other way was taking the Neahkahnie Mountain Trail, which had an entrance over five miles from here. And this was clearly a suspicious death scene—they had every good way in blocked off.
“We’ll never get close enough,” I said. I tapped Mr. Kruse on the shoulder, making him jump and his dog growl.
“Oh, you scared me, Nova.” He put a hand on his chest. “Did the sirens wake you up?”
I nodded. “Do you know what happened?”
“No, I was on my way over here… Glad I didn’t make it.” He motioned toward the woman in the jogging suit, lowering his voice. “I think she’s the one who called it in.”
I heard Jenika asking the young transient couple if they saw anything.
“No,” the girl said. “We were out on the trail. This cop came running at us—I thought we were getting busted.”
I turned, facing them. “Did you see anyone—before, I mean?”
“What are you guys, like, junior detectives?” The guy let out a nervous laugh. “Nah, we were comin’ from the hills.” He shook his head, running his fingers through his scraggly blond beard. “This is some fucked-up shit. If we’d come down any earlier…”
“We didn’t,” his girlfriend said, resting her head against his arm. “That’s what matters.”
A couple guys wearing plain clothes emerged from the trail, one of them carrying what looked like an iPad. Detectives, most likely.
I approached the woman in the jogging suit, who was standing away from the rest of us. She was still huddled up, her arms folded tight, so I spoke in a soft voice.
“Ma’am?”
She dabbed a Kleenex under her eye with quivering fingers. “Yes?”
“Did you see the body?” I hadn’t meant for it to come out like that, but my thoughts were a jumbled mess.
She eyed me up and down, her mouth open, like I’d just asked her to hand over her purse. “A young man was killed.”
My breathing stopped. “A young man? Like a teenager?”
“Leave me alone,” she said.
