by Ward, Quinn
Brandon locked his phone and stuffed it into his pocket. Still, he didn't say a word. He watched the trees and fields go by, glancing over at me every once in a while. It took a solid five minutes before I couldn’t take it any longer.
“I'm gay, okay? And I fucking hated myself for a long time because I didn’t want to be gay.” I was shouting, but Brandon’s face fluctuated between impassive and sad. Now that I’d started, I couldn’t stop talking. “I don't know if I’ll ever be cool with it, but I'm starting to realize I can't change who I’m attracted to, no matter how much I wish I could. It would be so much easier if I could be normal.”
I pursed my lips, waiting for Brandon to say something—anything. I slowed down as we passed through a podunk town, then slammed on the gas as soon as the speed limit went back up. My heart was racing hard enough, I was worried it might explode. My hands were cold and clammy on the steering wheel. And still, Brandon said nothing.
Fuck. This couldn’t be good at all. Brandon probably regretted suggesting I take a drive to clear my head because that meant he was stuck with me, now that he knew what a hypocritical sack of shit I was. Not only that, but I’d basically implied there was something wrong with being gay and he was very happily in love with a man.
I was a fucking mess.
“It's good that you understand you can't change who you are,” he said quietly, long after I’d given up on him responding at all. “For your sake, I hope you will eventually find peace and let someone in.”
I gripped the wheel tighter, wishing I could blurt out that I had already found not just one person but two. And for some unknown fucking reason, neither of them were scared off by my hot and cold bullshit, or the fact I’d kept them hidden away like a dirty little secret. They swore they understood and weren’t going to force me to come out until I was ready, but dammit, that didn't mean I didn't feel like absolute crap every time our roommates were curled up in the living room and we had to pretend like nothing had changed between us. After tonight, maybe I could start opening up about that, too.
Except, even if they all miraculously threw me a parade to welcome me into the queer club, I didn’t see any way I could be fully open. There was a big difference between everyone accepting that I was more like them than I’d let on, and Chase accepting that I dreamed about his brother shoving me against the nearest surface while he speared me with that terrifyingly thick cock.
“That's all you have to say?” It couldn't possibly be that simple. But, then again, this was Brandon. He was pretty easy-going most of the time.
“You think you're the first guy who's ever raged against everyone who had what he convinced himself he never could?” Brandon let out a sardonic bark of laughter. “Don't take this the wrong way, man, but you're not that special.”
That's not what Daniel says, I thought to myself. But again, I couldn't tell Brandon about the fact I’d fooled around with my roommate and a suitemate without first talking to them.
“I guess you're right, but that doesn't excuse how I treated Chase. Or the crap I gave you and Matt when you guys hooked up. Or how much of a dick I’ve been any time you guys are all sappy and cuddling when I come in at night.” I could probably keep listing all the ways I’d been an asshole until my car ran out of gas but, even then, I would have only listed a fraction of my offenses.
“Then I guess it's lucky for you there's time to make things right.” He shrugged, tapping his fingers on his knee. “We’ve probably all known someone like you, or at least known of someone who lashed out the longer he felt trapped. Talk to the guys. Apologize and speak your truth. They’ll probably surprise you.”
“That's sort of what I was hoping to do,” I admitted. “That's why I want to hang out with everyone tonight. It’s killing me to keep this a secret now that I’ve admitted it to myself. I don’t want to feel like I’m still hiding, even though I’m scared of how everyone will react.”
“And you figured it would make things easier if the fridge was fully stocked?” His guess was right on the money.
“Pretty much,” I confirmed. “I figured that either we could all hang out after I tell the rest of the guys, or y'all can enjoy a few beers on me after Jayden beats me to a pulp.”
“He's not going to hit you,” Brandon scoffed.
“I wouldn't be so sure about that,” I countered. “You weren't there the night I said some pretty disgusting shit to him about Chase.”
“That's true, but I know he's not holding so much of a grudge that he’ll resort to physical violence,” he reassured me. “If he had that much of a problem with you, he would have said something about it by now.”
I took the next exit and turned around, heading back toward Annandale. Now that my secret was out to one more person, it was time to stock up and tell the rest of the guys.
* * *
The suite smelled fucking awesome by the time Brandon and I got back from the liquor store. I started loading beer into the fridge while he checked on dinner.
“I'm curious about something,” he mused as he layered the meat sauce with noodles and cheese into a baking dish. Most college kids lived on ramen and take out, but not us. Whenever Brandon was home, we were treated to the best damn food I'd had in my life. Hell, the guy even made his sauce from scratch.
“Not sure if I'll have an answer, but I'll try. Remember, this is all still new to me.”
“That's what I'm wondering about. Is there a reason you're telling everyone now? Are we going to have to invest in earplugs because you're going to be bringing dudes home every night of the week?” He smiled to make sure I knew he wasn’t serious, but I knew it had bugged them when I was trying to fuck the gay away last spring. Unfortunately, there’d been a few girls who were a bit too vocal. And the night I wasn’t so drunk I couldn’t get it up, but tipsy enough to focus on Daniel’s voice while the girl between us sucked me off. That had been a mind fuck and a half, but it was also one of the few times it hadn’t been a struggle to stay hard until we were done.
“I was never that bad,” I argued. “You make it sound like I had a revolving door on my bedroom. I thought if I found the right person, I’d be able to act straight until the urges went away.”
“No, but you were close. So, is that it? You have a boyfriend you want to bring home to meet the family.” I threw an empty cardboard box at Brandon's head and he caught it without missing a beat on his food prep.
“You're not going to have to put up with strange men in and out of the suite every weekend,” I reassured him. At least that much was the truth. The earplugs were still a very definite possibility, but as long as Colin’s roommate stayed MIA, we could always escape to his room and put a bit of distance between us and the rest of the guys. “Besides, it's not like you and Matt are exactly quiet.”
“That’s all Matt,” Brandon insisted, then cringed, like he really had been oblivious to how much noise they were making. I was polite enough I didn’t point out there were two very distinct voices coming from the other side of the wall. “I didn't realize he was loud enough to disturb you guys.”
“Are you kidding me?” I threw my head back and laughed, happy I wasn’t the only one uncomfortable now. If he needed to believe I’d only heard Matt begging Brandon to fuck him hard and fast, I could still work with that. “He's such a screamer I'm pretty sure he disrupts people trying to study at the library across campus.”
“Come on, man, he's not that bad,” Brandon scoffed.
“No, I guess he's not really. And he's never woken me from a dead sleep, so I guess I still win the prize on that one.”
“Good thing we aren’t keeping score.” The front door of the suite opened and closed. I paused, waiting to see where the footsteps would stop. Noticing my discomfort, Brandon stepped up beside me.
“It's going to be fine,” he reassured me. “If anyone tries to give you shit, know that I'm on your side.” He finished putting dinner together and set it in the oven. He paused on his way out of the kitchen and wo
rried his bottom lip. “If you haven't mentioned this to Daniel yet, maybe give him a head’s up first. I… He should know what’s going on.”
That was not what Brandon had been about to say. It almost seemed like he knew something he wasn’t telling me.
“Oh, he knows.” I stifled my laughter as I thought about just how well he knew I enjoyed making another man come. A few times, I’d begged him to let me suck him off before we went to sleep but he always refused, promising the day we’d spent together hadn’t been a fluke and telling me to go to sleep. If he hadn't sounded so damn sincere, I might have worried he was no longer interested. When I snapped out of my memories, Brandon's jaw was nearly on the floor.
“Holy shit.” He grabbed onto the doorway as if it was the only thing keeping him from falling over. “Somebody needs to warn Colin and Justice.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I didn't even believe myself with that non-denial. But all I could think of was Colin telling us he’d step back if we decided we were better off as a couple than a threesome. Jealousy boiled in my gut. I didn't even want to think about him and Justice together.
“Seriously, think about it. First, Jayden starts hooking up with his roommate. Then, Matt and I pulled our heads out of our asses, and now, you and Daniel? It's too damn perfect. The way things are going around here, it's only going to be a matter of months before Colin’s hooking up with Justice.” I let out a low growl. That wasn't fucking happening. Brandon's eyes grew even wider. “Oh hell. Don't tell me you're doing Chase's little brother. Is that why you're so worried about how Jayden and Chase are going to react? If so, I may need to amend my previous answer. Jayden won't kick the shit out of you for what you said to Chase months ago, but he might take issue with you fucking Colin.”
“Nobody's fucking anyone,” I informed him. That was half the damn problem, I added in my head.
“Then why would you have a problem if Colin and Justice got together? They're both good-looking guys. I’m head over heels for Matt, and even I can admit the two of them together would be hot as hell.” He reached down and adjusted his dick. I wasn’t sure if that was for effect, or if he was getting hard thinking about our newest roommates.
“Who are we imagining all naked and sweaty together?” Matt asked as he appeared from the other end of the suite.
“Colin and Justice,” Brandon told him as I let out a frustrated groan and stormed away.
“Oh, come on, Zach. I know it's tough being the token straight guy around here, but I promise you, none of us are going to sneak into your room at night and pop your butt cherry,” Matt scoffed.
Brandon choked on his water. “Is there any filter, at all, between your brain and your mouth?”
Matt pretended to think for a second. “No. I think I had one once upon a time, but it broke. Never heard you complain about that lack of filter when I'm begging you to fuck me harder.”
“And on that note, I'm out.” I popped the top off, what was likely to be, the first of many beers for the night as I edged my way past the two lovebirds.
Brandon leaned close and said something to Matt. His eyes widened as he looked at me.
“Hey, I’m sorry if I was a dick to you,” he apologized.
“No worries.” I waved him off. “We’ve lived together long enough I’m used to you saying the first thing that pops in your head.”
“Yeah, but that was really rude of me.” He kept looking to Brandon, which was weird, but whatever. Not much shocked me around here anymore.
“Like I said, I'm used to it.” I wanted to go hide out in my room for a bit and work up the courage to talk to everyone tonight. “Let me know when dinner is ready,” I said to Brandon. Then, I turned to Matt. “Seriously, no harm, no foul.”
I even surprised the hell out of him by pulling him in for a quick hug. See, I could do this whole getting in touch with my more civilized side thing. As I disappeared around the corner, I heard Matt's stunned reaction. “Dude, did you see that? Zach just hugged me. I wonder if he's terminally ill.”
“You are such an ass,” Brandon scolded him. “Now, set the table before you earn yourself a punishment.”
“Maybe I want to be punished, Daddy.” I stumbled over my feet, barreling into my bedroom door. Nope, there were definitely some things I didn't need to hear.
Ever since the night the three of us had gotten together, my room felt lonely when Daniel wasn't around. It never felt more so than when I walked into the room, anxious to tell him about my talk with Brandon, only to find a note sitting on the desk. I picked it up, quickly scanning over the words.
I might be late tonight. Have a study group after class. Why don’t you see if Colin wants to keep you company until I get there?
I groaned, crumpling the note and tossing it toward the wastebasket. Of course, tonight wasn't going to go as planned. Yes, I wanted to talk to everyone while Daniel was busy, but now I wanted him beside me.
I reminded myself that it would be easier to tell the guys if I wasn't trying to hide how I felt about Daniel from them as I spoke. But that meant not having his arms to fall into when it was over, and I needed some reassurance.
I no longer cared if it made me seem needy or weak. I couldn't wait to tell someone about my day. But who? Daniel was in class then had his study group after, and Colin had picked up a long shift because it was his light class day. He’d be home by nine, and if Daniel wanted me to see if I could hang out with Colin, that meant he’d be even later.
I pulled out my laptop and got to work on a few assignments that were due later in the week, trying to keep my mind off how badly I missed them. That couldn't be normal. I dated in the past and knew what it felt like to have someone constantly texting me, interrupting whatever I was doing. I didn't want to turn into that guy.
Within the hour, I lost the battle with myself. I picked up the phone, insisting that I wouldn't be upset if no one responded. I opened up the group chat message Colin had suggested we keep going for when everyone needed to communicate with one another. He was really big on that shit. Which was probably another sign that this thing between us had an expiration date. Communication and I had never been friends. Talking was highly overrated.
So, I might have told Brandon I'm gay.
I flipped the phone over in my hands, waiting for one of them to acknowledge me. So much for swearing I didn't need a response. It was Daniel's message that came through first. Proud of you, babe. I know that wasn't easy. You could've waited until we were home.
No. This is something I need to do on my own. I appreciate you wanting to take care of me, but I'm a big boy.
Yeah, you are. Colin’s response was punctuated with a series of lewd emojis. A minute later, another reply followed. Seriously though, I'm proud of you, too. What do you plan to do next?
Leave it to Colin to feel the need to strategize.
Talking to the rest of the guys tonight, I responded. I preened a bit because I knew me actually having a plan would knock him on his ass.
You don't have to jump out of the closet all at once, Daniel reminded me.
Actually, I kind of do, I responded. I was sick of pretending. I knew what I needed to ask them next, but this felt just as hard as admitting my truth to Brandon. I didn't want either of them taking what I needed to say the wrong way. Brandon asked if Daniel and I are together now.
What did you tell him? Colin responded immediately.
I sort of evaded the question, I admitted. And then he asked if I’m fucking Colin because, I guess he believed that I'm not sleeping with you, Daniel.
Oh shit. Their identical messages came in at the same time.
The one thing all three of us agreed on was we weren't ready for Chase to know what we were doing. Until he and I were on more solid ground, we felt it was for the best that certain parts of our lives remain private.
Exactly. But I don't want to keep lying to everybody, either.
So, tell them about you and Daniel, Colin suggested. That'll
be enough for now.
But I don't want to make you feel like you're not important, too.
I kept waiting for Daniel to respond, but he was annoyingly silent.
We all knew this was going to be hard, Colin responded a few minutes later. When the time is right, we can tell them about us. I promise I'm not upset.
He might not be, but I sure as shit was. None of this would have happened without Daniel and Colin. The three of us were a team. As if he'd read my thoughts, Daniel finally chimed in. For now, think of Colin like silent business partner. He's no less important, but there are reasons to keep his identity a secret.
But not forever, right?
No, sweetheart. Not forever. GTG things are getting crazy around here. Be home soon as I can.
I don't know what the hell possessed me to do it, but I responded to Colin’s message with a series of X's and O's. When Daniel didn't say anything else, I assumed he was headed to his study group and decided it was past time for me to hit the books, too. I'd never be the smartest one of our trio but flunking out with one semester to go was no longer an option.
12
Zach
I was fooling myself if I thought I was going to get the damn thing done with the prospect of coming out, to four guys I’d basically been lying to forever, hanging over my head. I kept reading the same assignment, hoping eventually it would make sense. By the fourth or fifth read-through, the words began swimming around the screen, and I slammed the lid of my laptop closed.
Fuck this. I knew I wasn't doing myself any favors, but it was past time to lay all my shit out. I stomped out of my room and knocked on Jayden and Chase's door. Jayden poked his head out, carefully blocking me from entering.
