by Ward, Quinn
“I’d like that, but won’t your mom be upset?” Colin worried his bottom lip, trying to hide his smile. “I guess we’re always going to have to juggle the holidays from now on, huh?”
“We’ll figure it out,” I reassured him. “And my mom’s usually picking up extra shifts at Christmas, so it shouldn’t be an issue.”
“Then it sounds like I’d better tell my folks to set a couple extra places next month.” Jayden threatened to leave Colin behind if he didn’t get his ass in the car, so Colin gave me a quick kiss goodbye.
Zach and I waved to them as they pulled out of the student parking lot, not getting into his car until they were out of sight.
* * *
The closer we got to Zach’s house, the tighter he gripped the steering wheel. I attempted, multiple times, to get him talking about anything that would keep his mind off his worries about seeing his dad for the first time after a few months of freedom, but quickly took the hint from his one word answers that he wasn't interested in talking.
His anxiety was this nearly palpable presence in the car between us. Every time I so much as shifted in my seat, he'd tense like he was worried I might be trying to reach out to comfort him. Don't get me wrong, if I had a thing for being rejected, I definitely would have tried promising him everything would be okay.
“I don't like the man I am when I'm home.” Zach twisted his hands around the steering wheel, staring straight ahead. I sat up straighter, my own hands folded neatly in my lap, well away from him. “I need you to promise me you won't listen to anything he says. And that you'll try to forgive me if I screw up.”
“I can't say I understand what growing up in that house was like for you, but I'll promise I will never forget the man you are when we’re together.” I picked at a loose thread on my jeans while I tried to tamp down my irritation. He was doing so well at school. Not just with being in a relationship, but also academically. It was as if not having to hide himself in the back of the closet had freed him to start looking into his future. It would've been selfish and unfair for me to tell him I believed he was strong enough to stand up for himself. He absolutely was, but he needed to realize that for himself.
“Just…don't hate me, okay?” His voice cracked at the end of his request.
This time, I didn't give a damn if he tried jerking away from me; I placed my hand on his thigh. “I don't think I could ever hate you, Zach. You're a part of me now. I promise I won't let anything that happens, while we’re at your dad's, change how I feel about you, but you need to do me a favor, too.”
Zach's jaw clenched and he didn't answer right away. I gave his leg a gentle squeeze, silently reminding him I was still waiting for his response. He glanced over, the corner of his mouth lifting in a sad smile. “I can't promise much.”
“I get that,” I reassured him. “But no matter what happens, no matter what he tries saying to you, I want you to remember that you have two men who couldn't stop themselves from falling in love with you, and a suite full of friends who will always have your back no matter what.”
Things had never gotten back to how they'd been before Zach started lashing out, but once he'd come out to them, we'd all gotten back to a good place. Then again, maybe part of that had to do with the fact that we were no longer kids, fresh out of high school, on our own for the first time.
In less than a year, our original crew would all graduate and move on with our lives. Who knew where Matt and Brandon might wind up, but the rest of us would likely stick close. Jayden and Chase because of Jayden's family, and Zach and me so we could say with Colin. We were more than buddies at this point, we were family. As long as Zach remembered that, he'd never have to be alone again, regardless of how his dad took the news whenever Zach finally came out to him.
The car lurched as we rolled into town. It wasn't a mechanical issue but a bad case of nerves. Zach was nearly vibrating with dread and stomped on the brake pedal a bit too hard. I pulled one of his hands off the wheel. “Relax. If you go in there anticipating the fight, odds are good you're going to get one. Remember, I'm just the roommate you took pity on, so I didn't have to be home alone for the holiday. Your dad doesn't need to know anything more than that.”
“I can't keep doing this.” I turned my head so quickly to gape at him, that I felt a pinch in my neck. My stomach started to roll, and I thought I might be sick. On some level, I knew I was overreacting, but those felt like the words leading up to the breakup.
“Can't keep doing what?” I pressed my lips together, reminding myself I needed to give Zach time to think before he spoke. We repeatedly told him he didn't have to do anything he wasn't ready for. Now, I felt like agreeing to come home with him for Thanksgiving had been a huge mistake. At the time, he'd meant well, but it was obvious from the way his face paled that he was having second thoughts as we wound our way through town.
He pulled over to the curb and turned off the car. His body sagged against the steering wheel, with his arms folded against the dashboard. “I'm so damn tired, Daniel. Every time I make this drive, I feel like I'm losing a little more of myself. I keep trying to be the son he wants.” He let out an unamused huff of laughter. “You know, the son he would have wanted if having kids had never been something he actually thought about. But I think I'm starting to see that no matter what I do, it'll never be enough for him.”
I unbuckled my seatbelt so I could get closer. It was a statement to how distraught he was, when Zach immediately twisted in his own seat, throwing his arms around my midsection. “Baby, if he can't see what an amazing guy you are, he doesn't deserve to have a relationship with you. Even with everything he put you through, you found a way to be true to yourself. He should be proud of that.”
“But he never will be,” Zach sobbed. “And I think it took bringing you home to fully understand that. All I know is I can't walk in there and keep lying to him, trying to make his life easier. Not if that means lying about how much you mean to me. And I hate that Colin isn't here with us. I don't want him feeling like he's not as important as you are.”
“He doesn't think that,” I reassured him. “Colin needed to be with his family. He knows you care.”
“But does he? Really?”
“Yeah, baby. He does.”
Zach straightened in his seat, wiping some dampness away from his cheeks. “I want to tell him the truth, but I don't want him taking it out on you.”
“Don't worry about me at all,” I insisted. “I’ll follow your lead. If we get to your dad's house and you decide you're not ready, then you're not ready. This is a life changing revelation for both of you, and I won't be upset if you need time to figure out what you're going to say. But know that if you do want to tell him, I'll be here for you for whatever you need.”
Zach slipped his hands around the nape of my neck, drawing me in for a chaste kiss. That was surprising because, typically, he waited for somebody else to initiate any sort of intimate contact.
But I wasn't about to complain. I rested a hand over his chest.
He pulled away and, for the first time since we left Annandale, his smile brightened his entire face. “I love you, Daniel. I probably won't ever say it that much, but you and Colin are the first people I’ve felt this way about and you deserve to keep hearing it.”
“We love you, too,” I reminded him. “Now, let’s get to your dad’s so we can start counting down the hours until we go home. We still have to find a way to thank Colin for making us see what we were both trying to ignore.”
“Yeah, sorry about that,” Zach apologized. “I know we said we were going to tell him later, but I couldn’t wait. It felt important for him to know.”
“Baby, you don’t need to apologize,” I reassured him. “Telling him when you did was the perfect time because it was spontaneous. Now, quit stalling.”
“Yes, Sir,” Zach teased. My dick stirred. That sentence held a very different meaning when we weren’t on our way to the gallows.
21
&nb
sp; Colin
I had never looked forward to going home less than I did today. That probably made me the shittiest child in our family, but I would have given my left nut to be crammed into the backseat of Zach's car on our way to the world's most uncomfortable Thanksgiving, rather than heading home to a family that would smother me in love before unleashing their criticism about whatever the hell they found lacking today.
“Why are you even here?” Jayden asked as he whizzed down the highway. “We all know you're going to be a miserable pain in the ass all weekend because you'd rather be with your boys.”
Even though he didn’t fully accept our relationship, I liked hearing them referred to as my boys. We hadn’t put any real labels on that side of what we did, and they’d never be my boys the same way my brother was Jayden’s, but it sounded right. That they belonged to me—with me.
But they weren’t with me. We’d passed the exit for Zach’s hometown almost an hour ago. Best case scenario, they had already made the introductions and Zach’s dad was on his best behavior in front of company. Worst case, Zach had opened his big mouth and they were in the middle of a verbal sparring match that would lead to Zach digging himself a deeper hole and possibly pulling away from us. As much as I wanted to believe that he loved us as much as he said this morning, there was a shadow of doubt in my mind that he’d leave us if it was the only way to hold on to his dad’s love.
“Yeah, well, I wasn't exactly invited,” I spat out. My chest tightened, and I didn’t realize I’d clenched my jaw until it started to ache. I couldn't have easily backed out of going home for the holiday anyway, but I didn't like feeling like the outsider. If shit went south, I had no doubt Daniel would take care of Zach, but it felt wrong not being with them.
“Did you ever think maybe they assumed you would say no if they'd invited you? Face it, they know from me complaining that it’s not easy to get out of holidays with Mom and Dad. If they’d asked, you would have been put in a bad spot because you want to take care of them, but you also don’t want to let down our parents. It can’t be easy.” Chase turned in the passenger seat to face me. “You know they're probably missing you as much as you're missing them. And as ridiculous as it is, you’d be happier with them than worrying about Zach all weekend.”
“Why in hell did you say it that way?” I glared at him and he just shook his head.
“Little brother, you have no clue how weird it is that you're dating my roommates.” He shuddered. “Seriously, it’s messed up that I have to think about what you’re doing with them at the other end of the suite.”
“Then maybe don’t think about my sex life, you weirdo,” I teased. “And technically, you’re dating my roommate, too. And I guarantee I’m able to block out whatever the two of you get up to in your room. Hell, even when it leaks out into the public areas, I try to not think about it.”
“That's totally different. We were already together before you were even out of high school.” Chase smirked like he’d just shut me down. Not by a long shot. When the corners of his mouth tipped up, I realized he was trying to get my mind off the anxiety and panic.
“Semantic difference,” I argued. “But I get it. It's probably weird to everybody on multiple levels, but as long as you're not trying to talk me out of being with them, I'll deal with whatever you want to say about our relationship.”
“So, if I told you I think you're making a huge mistake, you'd dump them?” Jayden tested me.
I let out a low growl and muttered under my breath exactly what I thought of that idea.
“Yeah, I thought so.” He chuckled. “Bear in mind, none of us expect you to dump them, even though it’s weird as fuck. Maybe eventually it won't be so weird, but you have to give us time to get used to it.”
“Why?” I challenged him. “What the hell does it matter, as long as the three of us are happy? Did you give everyone time to get used to the fact that the two of you were screwing around?”
I seriously regretted my choice to come home for Thanksgiving, the longer I was stuck in the car with Jayden. He still held a serious grudge for the way Zach had treated Chase, and I wasn't going to put up with it forever. Everybody made mistakes. I was pretty sure that I could find someone who would be all too happy to spill the tea about Jayden's imperfections. But I didn't because he made my brother happy and that was all that mattered.
Zach fucked up big time; no one was disputing that. But he’d apologized and really was trying to prove that he wasn’t all talk. Eventually, Jayden had to let this shit go.
“You really like them, don't you,” Jayden mused.
“Yeah, I do. More than that, I’m in love with them. Both of them,” I clarified before either my brother or his boyfriend could question me. “I know it doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but this works for us. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything because being with them feels right. I’m lucky I didn't have to spend half my time in college with random hookups. I found two amazing men who love me just as much as I love them.”
“But what happens next year? You can't tell me things aren't going to be different when you're still in college and they've graduated.”
“Are you trying to make me doubt my feelings?” I would have jumped out of the car if we weren't speeding down the interstate at seventy-five miles an hour. “Seriously, Jayden. Give it a rest. I love them and they love me, and that's all we really need to know. We don't owe you any more explanation than that.”
“All I'm saying is, you need to be realistic about this, Colin. They're in a different place than you are,” Jayden explained in a supremely patronizing tone. “I know right now everything is awesome and you’re finally getting to explore your sexuality, but I don't want to see you get hurt, either. I’m not bringing this up just to be a dick to you.”
“What's to say we’ll even be together that long?” My stomach clenched at the very thought of not being with them, but it was a very real possibility. “Couples split up all the time. Like you said, I'm young. If this proves to be nothing more than a scorching hot college memory, then so be it. But I'm not going to back off just because there's uncertainty in the future. Hell, I could ask you the same question. What would you do if Chase got a job offer on one side of the country and you’re offered a job here? I know you're not looking to leave Annandale, but the reality is, he's going to have companies wanting him to come work for them.”
“That's totally different,” Jayden countered.
“How? How is it any different?” I clenched my hands into fists and shoved them under my thighs. Decking the driver wouldn’t be a smart idea, no matter how much he had it coming. “You and Chase are in college just like the three of us are. None of us have really started our lives yet, and yet it's okay for the two of you, or for Matt and Brandon, to have a relationship, but all of a sudden when I find people who make me happy, it's suddenly an issue?”
“I never said that. I just… I don't want to see you get hurt. And I know what Zach said about trying to make up for his past, but he’s still a wildcard. It's going to take a long time before I trust him,” Jayden explained, his voice softer now, like he was trying to soothe the anger he’d churned up in me.
“Then I guess, until then, you'll just have to trust me. Last summer you were all about making sure Mom and Dad knew that I was old enough to make my own choices. I wasn't sure about you at first, either,” I admitted. “But the more time I spent watching you and Chase together, the more I understood that I didn't need to have any sort of opinion about your relationship, as long as you made him happy. All I'm asking is that you offer us the same courtesy.”
“We can do that,” Chase promised, placing his hand on my leg. “But seriously, if they mean that much to you, why are you here with us?”
“I already told you, they didn't invite me to join them,” I repeated through gritted teeth.
“And do you suppose that's because they don't want you there or because they are just as scared of rejection as you are?” Cha
se pressed. “Or that they didn’t want you to feel like you had to choose them or the family. It’s a no-win situation, Colin.”
“What the hell would they have to be scared about?”
“Like Jayden said, this is all really new for Zach. I can't imagine how difficult it's going to be for him, spending the weekend listening to his dad's bullshit. They need you, Colin.” He gave my leg a squeeze. “If you’d told them you were still coming home with us, he would have assumed it was because you didn’t want to spend the holiday with him. Right or wrong, I’m pretty sure that’s just how his brain is wired at this point.”
“You know, the two of you have really shitty timing,” I grumbled, wishing we weren’t almost home. At this point, there was nothing I could do about the decision I’d made. “You could have said something about any of this before we left. Now, what the hell am I supposed to do?”
“Well, for starters, why don't you text Daniel and check in? See how things are going,” Jayden suggested. “Even if you can’t be there, you can make sure they know you’re thinking about them. And if you text Zach, he’ll feel like you’re checking up on him.”
“Yeah, that's his great fucking idea,” I quipped. “Because then, if shit’s already hit the fan, I'll be stranded at Mom and Dad’s while I worry about them. And you know Mom will pick up on that shit and grill me about it.”
“That's only because she loves you,” Chase scolded me. “I know it chaps your ass, but nagging is her love language. You just have to deal with it.”
“No, it's because she doesn't trust me to take care of myself,” I countered.
“And what do you think she'd say if she knew that you had a guy you are stupidly in love with and you're not taking care of him the way you should?” Chase quirked an eyebrow.
I flipped him off and slumped back in my seat. I was screwed no matter what I did.
