by Ward, Quinn
“You want me to come with you?” I was surprised Daniel offered rather than insisting I not be alone with my dad. Part of me wished he had been more forceful. As much as I didn’t want them thinking I was incapable of taking care of myself, I also wanted someone close to remind me I was worthy of love.
“No, I think this is something I need to do on my own,” I insisted. “Will you wait for me?”
I wasn’t only talking about today or the rest of the week. I didn’t know when I’d have the strength to be completely honest about my life, but when that time came, I needed to know Daniel and Colin would be there beside me.
“As long as it takes,” Daniel promised. He didn’t let go of my hand until we stood in front of the door. Daniel cupped my face, tracing his thumb along my cheekbone. “I meant what I said. I love you, Zach, and I’m not going to let someone like him scare me off. Colin and I knew what we were getting into with you, and we’ll be here for you however you need us.”
“Thank you.” I swallowed hard as I turned the doorknob. My knees wobbled, and I wasn’t sure how to walk away from him, even for however long it took for my dad to say his piece. “Tell me again?”
“I love you,” Daniel whispered. He leaned in, brushing his lips over my ear. “We love you, Zach. Not just for today, this week, or this month, but for as long as you’ll have us.”
“And I love you,” I said as I stepped out of the door. The promise of forever was added silently as I approached the stairs.
“Care to tell me what's going on?” Dad asked before I even made my way into the kitchen. He lifted the lid off the pot of chili simmering on the stove. Most of the time, I couldn't stand the thick soup that was a staple on our kitchen table, but my stomach growled. He might not be the best cook, and we may not have a healthy relationship, but the smell of tomatoes, peppers, and garlic would always be home to me.
“I don't know what you're talking about,” I responded. No way in hell was I saying a word until I knew how much he'd figured out on his own.
“I know I'm not as worldly as those city folk you hang around with now, but give me a little credit. That boy ain't just a friend, is he?” It should have been a relief that he didn’t sound disgusted, but that only ratcheted my anxiety higher.
I stilled, not even breathing. This was the moment of truth. I could be honest with him and face his wrath, or I could lie. The latter might keep me safe for a while, but there was no telling how he'd react when he found out I'd deceived him. And he would find out. For all of his faults, my dad could be incredibly perceptive when he wanted to be.
“No, Dad, he's not just a roommate,” I confirmed. “He's one of my best friends.”
“That it?” He quirked an eyebrow, staring at me as if he could read the truth in my facial expressions.
“I don't know what you want me to say.” I fisted my fingers in my hair and doubled over, letting out a frustrated cry. “No matter what I say, you're never going to be okay with it.”
“How about you let me be the judge of that.” I jumped when the knife dad had been holding clattered against the counter. “Dammit, son, I know I haven't been there for you the way you need me to. Now, I’m wondering if I was an even worse parent than I realized.”
“Don't say that,” I scolded him. Sure, I'd thought exactly the same, more times than I could count, but he had done the best for me he could.
“What kind of father am I, if my own kid had to hide something like this from me?” He let out an exhausted sigh and gripped the edge of the counter. His back heaved and I wondered what in the hell was going on. “I’m sorry I let you down.”
My mouth fell open as Dad apologized to me. In my entire life, I couldn't remember a time he'd so freely admitted his mistakes.
“You don't have to tell me anything if you're not ready. But when you are, I’d like it if you realize you can come to me with anything.” Now I was the one reaching out for something to steady me. My knees felt weak and my head spun. This was not how he was supposed to react when he found out. “Can't say I’ll understand everything, but I'll do my best. For whatever that's worth.”
If he and I had been having this conversation six months ago, it likely would have gone very differently. I was so set on blaming him for my shitty behavior. I don't know that I could have trusted his acceptance of me. Of us, I quickly amended in my mind. Because he wasn't only accepting me. He was trying, in his own way, to let me know that my boyfriend was welcome here.
Except, that still left one huge secret between us. And even if he accepted that I had a boyfriend, that didn't mean he suddenly be okay with two.
“Tell me what's on your mind.” I was so lost in my own world, I jumped when I dad squeezed my shoulder. And then the old man fucking laughed. The sound was rusty and foreign, but there was no mistaking the genuine amusement. “This might be the first time in your life you've been speechless.”
“It's just… It's a lot, Dad,” I admitted. “I wasn't sure you'd still love me once you knew. And as much as I didn't want to upset you, they mean everything to me.”
Dad went motionless. Eventually, he blinked a few times and scratched his head. “They? I heard about that. You mean to tell me that boy—no… What do you kids call it? I heard about people like him. Them.”
I couldn't control my laughter. “Dad! Stop. No, it's nothing like that. Daniel is one hundred percent man.”
“But you said they,” he pointed out. I felt the flush of embarrassment creeping up my face. This felt like walking through a field of landmines. I'd gotten past the first one without any casualties, but there were still more to deal with.
He said I didn’t have to tell him if I wasn’t ready. Except, I did. I couldn't hide anything. I needed to know, right now, and he could accept all of me.
“Yeah dad, they,” I confirmed. “Daniel isn't the only man I’m with.”
“You know, people don't usually bring home casual partners, right?”
“There's nothing casual about us,” I promised. My cheeks burned, and I had to bury my face in my hands. I couldn't believe I was talking about my sex life to my dad, even if it was in a roundabout way. He wasn’t supposed to give me tips on who I should be bringing home. He was supposed to scream at me that no son of his would fuck men as he threw me out of the house.
“I don't get it.” Dad picked up his knife and started cutting again. At least now, I didn't have to worry that he was going to chase us out of the house using that blade. You say it’s not casual with Daniel, but what, you’re fooling around on him?”
“God, Dad, no! There is another guy,” I explained. “He's actually the reason all of us are together.”
“This isn't some older pervert who pushed you boys into something, is it? You're safe?” His nostrils flared as he took deep breaths, trying to stay calm.
“Yes, dad, we're safe,” I quickly reassured him. “Colin is the new guy in our suite. His brother, Chase, moved in last year. And Daniel and I have been roommates since freshman year. Colin helped the two of us get our heads out of our asses, and now he’s with us.”
“Probably doesn't say much about me that you're going to graduate soon, and I don't even know your friends, does it?”
“I know you’ve been busy with the shop,” I said, trying to let him off the hook. “And I know it might make me a bad person, but I'm not sure I was ready to have you in my space.”
“Can't say as I much blame you,” Dad grumbled. “I really did a crap job on this whole raisin’ you thing, didn't I?”
“Maybe, but let's face it, neither of us asked to be here.” I hadn't done it in a hell of a long time, but I couldn't resist the urge to give my old man a hug. Seeing that he was trying, even if he struggled with the idea of me having two boyfriends, I felt like an asshole for assuming he'd react poorly.
“You're really okay with all this? I thought for sure, you would boot my ass out if you found out about me.”
“Zachary, I couldn't do that.” There was no hes
itation in my old man's response. His shoulders slumped forward, and he wiped at his eyes. Fuck, all the feels were coming out now and I wasn’t sure I liked it. He wasn’t supposed to be this emotional. “I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive myself for letting you think otherwise. It means I failed you even more than I thought I had.”
Dad poured two cups of coffee and nodded toward the den. The formal living room at the front of the house went mostly unused, other than storage for random crap. Dad always said he felt like he was on display in there. His den, with the dark paneled walls and slightly musty scent, soothed me in a way they never had before.
“I never planned on having kids,” Dad admitted as if he was revealing a huge secret, which he totally wasn’t. Even though he was being far more chill than I’d prepared myself for, it would take a long time to get over my resentment and the shitty things he’d said to me over the years.
He stared into the distance over the top of his coffee mug. Was it coincidence that he'd grabbed the mug I cheekily bought him one year for Father's Day, declaring him as a pretty okay dad? “Your mom and I, we were like oil and water in most ways. But the two of us had our similarities, too. It was why we were drawn to one another in the closed-minded town where we grew up. There were…certain expectations of young people. Being different wasn't an option. I was supposed to meet a nice girl, get her to agree to marry me, and start a family, and the same for her. Anyone who didn't want that, they tried to fix.”
My blood went cold. I couldn’t breathe around the lump in my throat, and my chest hammered against my ribs. He might have screwed me up in more ways than I could count, but if I wasn’t mistaken, he’d done me a huge favor by running away from that place. No wonder we didn’t go back. “By fix, you mean…”
“It was a small town in the South.” My dad closed his eyes and shook his head. Deep lines of pain were etched across his forehead. “I can't say I didn't love your mama, but it was never the way love was supposed to be. Times were changing, but by then, you were on the way. I knew she wasn't going to stick around, and I accepted that. I told her to leave you with me, promised I’d figure out how to raise you on my own.”
Dad's cup nearly fell off the edge of the end table as he tried setting it down. I tried to ignore the way his hand shook. He pinched the bridge of his nose, doubling over, resting his elbows on his knees. “I wanted you, once I knew you were coming, but it wasn’t easy. People pressed even harder for me to find you a stepmom. Said kids needed two parents. Even when things got tough, I refused to let anyone help because they’d think I was weak. I swore I would be better than I had as a kid, but now I can’t help but feel like I did you wrong. You'd think a man like me would've known. I should have known and done better by you. But I couldn't get over my hate. How much I hated others, and how much I hated myself.”
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Or, should I say, what I wasn't hearing. He still hadn't admitted to anything, but it seemed pretty easy to read between the lines. I wanted to hate him even more now, for being such a hard ass, for making me think there was something wrong with guys like me. But I couldn't. The only thing I felt was sorrow for the life he could have had if he'd been raised in a different time.
“It's okay, Dad.” I set down my mug of coffee and kneeled in front of him, curling my hands around his calves. “You did the best you could. Like you said, neither of us asked to be here on our own. There is no handbook. And if you're not ready to say more, I understand. But if you are, know that I'm here for you.”
It was only fair to give him the same invitation he’d extended to me. We needed to get our heads out of our asses if we were to heal.
I nearly toppled to the floor when my dad threw his arms around my back, sobbing into my neck. “I'm sorry, son. If I had it to do all over—”
“No. None of that,” I insisted. One important lesson Daniel and Colin had taught me in the past few months was that you couldn't live your life in the past. All you could do was learn from your mistakes and move forward. “I don't want you regretting anything. Yeah, it gave me a rocky start, but maybe, in the end, I'll be a better man for it. Does that mean I don't have to worry about Daniel using the sleeping bag?”
Dad smirked and let out a huff of laughter. “That boy was way too quick to figure out a way to share a room with you. That was the clincher for me. I can't imagine anyone who ain't in love with you, willingly spending the night in the same room with your noisy ass. I thought about going along with that so you could come out your own time, but it didn't sit right with me. As I started working on dinner, all I could think about was how I wished there’d been someone in my family who loved me no matter what, and I knew I needed to be that person for you.”
“I was having the same problem upstairs,” I admitted. “I didn't want to lie to you, but I wasn't sure how to tell you the truth.”
“Look at me, Zachary,” Dad insisted. When I looked up, he curled his fingers around the back of my neck, forcing me to hold his gaze. “I can't say I'm going to turn into the perfect father overnight but know that I'm here for you. Something's changed about you and I'd like to get to know this grown-up version of you better. That boyfriend of yours, too.”
“And Colin?” Maybe I was pushing my luck, but now that I knew I didn't have to hide, I didn't want to hide any part of myself.
“You never could be satisfied, could you?” Dad teased. “One boyfriend isn't enough?”
“No,” I responded firmly. I knew I wore a dopey smile, but I couldn't help it. “And when you meet Colin, you'll understand why. Without him, we don't work. We’re like that three-legged stool you have behind the counter at the store. If one of us wasn’t there, we’d fall over.”
“Then I can't wait to meet him,” Dad responded softly.
“Neither can I.” Instead of rushing back upstairs to tell Daniel about this Twilight Zone we’d walked into, I stayed in the kitchen, helping Dad make dinner. A warmth settled in my chest as I thought about how the guys would react if I had him write down the recipe so I could make a batch of chili for dinner some night.
Dad was right. Something had changed in me, and for possibly the first time in my life, I liked the guy I’d see when I looked in the mirror.
23
Colin
I started second-guessing my decision to surprise the guys before too long. If things were already tense with Zach's dad, the last thing I wanted to do was add to the stress.
“Maybe this wasn't such a good idea,” I said to no one in particular. Jayden groaned and Chase glared at me.
“Are you kidding me right now? You need to make a decision and go with it. We’re not spending the entire afternoon driving back and forth on the same stretch of road because you can't make up your damn mind.” My brother’s outburst made me flinch. He was usually the more easy-going of the two of them. If he was sick of my shit, I could only imagine how Jayden felt.
“Easy there, killer,” Jayden said, patting Chase’s knee. “This is a big decision. It's normal that he’s worried about fucking up. You know how Zach can be sometimes.”
“Yeah, but my butt is starting to go numb from sitting in the car all day,” Chase whined. I couldn’t see his face, but I imagined he was doing that sickeningly cute pouting thing that matched his little voice. It was weird seeing him straddle the line between little and big, but I was proud of him for feeling secure enough to let both sides out around me.
“Don't worry, I'll take care of that for you later,” Jayden promised.
“Gross,” I protested. “That's my brother.”
“You're not going to change the subject.” Chase twisted around in his seat. “Where is this coming from? I thought you said you wanted to take care of them.”
“I do,” I insisted. “But what if this isn't the way I'm supposed to do it? I don't want to make things worse for Zach. He was already nervous about how this visit was going to go. He gets really testy when he thinks either of us are trying to save him.”
&n
bsp; “There’s a difference between saving and supporting,” Chase argued. “And that's exactly why you need to be there for them. Listen, I know you're still new to things, but if you want to explore any sort of power exchange with them, you need to get your shit together.”
“Chase, go easy on him. You need to remember, not everyone falls into it as comfortably as you did.” Having Jayden be the one on my side felt strange, yet I was grateful for his support. “The bigger problem is, the three of you have been trying to figure things out naturally. While that can work for some things, Chase is right; if you seriously want to earn their submission, they need to know they can look to you for support. It might be time to actually learn what is expected of you so you’re able to do it. The internet isn’t going to give you that.”
“That's what I'm trying to do. And I do want this. When things are going well, it's the best feeling in the world. I love knowing that, even though I'm younger than them, I can be the one they turned to when they need something.” I didn’t tell them that the deeper our relationship grew, the more I felt like a fraud. Like maybe the idea of having someone submit to me was all about my ego and desire to be the one in control for a change.
But then, Zach would turn to me for guidance or support and it was the best feeling in the world. It wasn’t about power; it was about knowing that he trusted me. Jayden was right; I needed to get my shit together, so Zach and Daniel didn’t lose that faith.
“Then hang onto that,” Jayden suggested. “Don’t jump into things without thinking them through, but also trust your gut. And when we get home, you should come down to the club and talk to my uncle.”
“Yeah, because that won't be weird at all,” I scoffed.
“Believe me, I get it. But if I had to get over my shit to ask my uncle for relationship advice, then you can do the same. You have no idea how weird it is knowing that he knows about my relationship, but also that we’ve become friends with his partner because we’re into the same things.” Jayden visibly shuddered and Chase laughed. “Basically, you just need to figure out if those guys are worth it to you.”
