Lily and Dolores spent that afternoon strolling through Rolling Ridge Mall, with Lily trying on dresses and shoes along the way. They chatted and laughed, and stopped to share a soft pretzel and a Coke. Lily loved the way Dolores made her feel; she was a cross between a mother, a best friend, and a favorite teacher. Lily knew too well how a single person’s thoughtlessness or cruelty could make life seem hard and sad, but being with Dolores was like looking through a kaleidoscope and seeing a completely different arrangement of crystals with just a touch, filling your view with light and color and wonder.
“This is fun, isn’t it?” said Dolores.
“Yes - and I usually can’t stand shopping,” replied Lily.
“Why don’t you like to shop?”
“I don’t know. I guess it’s because I don’t even know what I would buy. All of my clothes have mostly come from Iris - either I got them when she was done with them or I’ve borrowed clothes from her. Shopping confuses me. And I guess I don’t really care too much about it.”
“I know exactly what you mean. All of my clothes were hand-me-downs that were bought especially for Felicia by our mother. I never liked very many of them and they never looked right on me. I always felt ill at ease in them, like I was a poor imitation of the ‘good’ daughter.” Dolores was staring off into the distance. “Dressing me up like Felicia didn’t help much. It was still just me underneath.”
Eager to change the subject and to reignite the spark in Dolores’ eyes, Lily replied, “But look at you now - you have such lovely things and you always look so beautiful.”
“Well, my husband - I mean my ex-husband - made a good living, and he was always being invited to parties and dinners and that sort of thing. It was important for his career that I portray a certain level of style. I learned to dress like a wealthy optometrist’s wife. Now I’m stuck with the wardrobe.”
Lily took a sip of the Coke, unsure of what to say.
Dolores drew in a quick breath, exhaled, and straightened her body. “But you, my dear, are a beautiful flower and you should learn to dress in a way that expresses your beauty to the world and is true for you, instead of what others want for you.” Dolores placed her hand on Lily’s thigh, and leaned in closer. “Don’t ever lie to yourself in order to be what someone else wants you to be - especially a man. Speaking of which... how are things going with James?”
“OK.” Lily tore off a piece of pretzel and popped it into her mouth.
“Just OK?”
“Oh, Dolores,” she said with a sigh, “I am soooo in love with him - he’s so cute and I love the way he kisses, and he’s smart and gentle...”
“All good things,” said Dolores. “Try this.” She held out a small plastic cup of mustard.
“Mustard? I don’t like mustard.”
“It’s great on a pretzel. Just give it a try.”
Lily tore off a piece of pretzel and dipped it in.
“But we’ve been seeing each other for over a year and I still don’t know how he feels about me.”
“Does he know how you feel about him?”
“He must,” said Lily.
“Have you told him?” Dolores asked.
“Well, no...”
“Why not?”
“I always thought the boy was supposed to say it first,” said Lily. “Plus, what if I tell him I love him and he doesn’t say it back?”
“Lily,” said Dolores, taking her hand. “That young man should be thanking his lucky stars that a girl like you would even give him the time of day.”
“Oh, Dolores, that’s not true,” said Lily dipping another piece of pretzel into the mustard with her free hand.
“That’s your problem,” said Dolores. “You don’t realize how wonderful you are. And that’s the difference between you and Iris. And between me and Felicia. Iris and Felicia know they’re special, and you and I treat ourselves like bargain basement seconds. In order to get what you want in this world, Lily, you have to expect it. If that young man isn’t ready to make a commitment to you, then you’re better off without him.” Dolores took a sip of Coke. “You know what they say: ‘Shit or get off the pot’!”
“Dolores!” Lily laughed.
“Sorry to be so crude,” said Dolores, “but there’s some truth to that. If he can’t appreciate you, don’t waste any more of your time on him. Tell him how you feel, and if he can’t reciprocate, tell him you can’t see him anymore. Nothing will change his mind faster about how he feels than thinking he’s going to lose you.” Dolores absently raised her right hand and touched her left ring finger, as if to make sure it was still bare.
“Just the thought of telling James that I love him gives me a stomach ache.” Lily pushed the rest of the pretzel aside.
“I’m telling you,” said Dolores. “That’s the best way to get what you want from him.”
Lily took a long draw on the straw, draining the Coke with a loud slurp. At least the way things now stood, she still had a relationship with James. Even if it was confusing and frustrating.
“It’s scary,” said Lily, gathering up their trash from the table.
“The best things always are,” replied Dolores. She added quietly, as if to herself, “So are the worst things.”
“Hey, Iris - Can I wear your blue smock top?”
Iris lay on the bed on her back, with legs bent and feet flat on the mattress. She propped her latest novel up against her long thighs. Without taking her eyes from her reading, she replied, “Promise you’ll hang it up when you’re done, and not throw it on the floor?”
“Yes,” replied Lily, playfully irritated at how well her sister knew her.
“Then OK.”
“I like this top because it makes my boobs look bigger.” Lily looked into the mirror and with one hand on each breast, she hoisted them.
“That’s why I bought it,” said Iris. “Not that you need any help.” Iris looked at Lily’s reflection in the bureau mirror and rolled her eyes. “Don’t stretch it out.”
As the girls approached womanhood, they’d developed into two distinctly different body types. Iris’ tall, slender build was a gift from the Whitacre side, but she seemed ill at ease in her model’s figure, an attitude that was evidenced by the slight hunch she kept in her shoulders, a practice that didn’t really make her any shorter, but perhaps made her at least feel a little less conspicuous.
Lily’s form was Capotosti through and through, complete with broad shoulders, a hint of bow-leggedness due to a family hip defect, and ample breasts that didn’t exactly rival Auntie Rosa’s, but on Lily’s five-foot-three-inch frame were big enough to get noticed.
“Hey, Iris, can I use your - “
“You know where it is... “
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Lily opened the top drawer of Iris’ side of the dresser and retrieved the American Teen Beauty makeup kit that Iris had secretly ordered through the mail.
“I’m gonna do it tonight, Iris,” Lily announced.
Iris immediately put down the book and looked up at Lily. “Do what, exactly?”
“I’m going to tell James I love him.”
“What made you decide to do that, all of the sudden?”
“Dolores says that if I want him to treat me like I’m something special, I have to act like it. And that means not letting him string me along anymore. If he can’t make a commitment to me then I’m going to tell him I can’t see him anymore.”
“No offense, Lily,” said Iris. “But I’m not sure Dolores is the best person to be taking relationship advice from.”
Lily didn’t expect Iris to understand; Auntie Rosa had been telling her she was special her whole life. She couldn’t know what it was like to think you were just ordinary.
“Anyway,” said Lily. “What did you think I was talking about when I said I was gonna ‘do it’ tonight?”
“You know...” Iris formed a ring with the index finger and thumb of her left hand and then inserted the index finger of her right hand into the ring,
pushing it in and out.
“Iris!!” Lily picked up Iris’ pink stuffed kitten from the dresser, and pitched it at her. Iris caught it mid-air and pitched it back. The kitten hit the mirror and landed back on the dresser.
“I can’t believe you!” said Lily. “I would never do that!” Turning back toward the mirror, she added, “Not until I’m married.”
Iris picked her book up again. Under her breath, she replied, “Whatever floats your boat.”
“Aren’t you going out tonight?” Lily applied mascara first to her right eyelashes, then to her left.
“Yea - later. Debbie is coming to pick me up after she gets out of work.”
Iris was always being invited somewhere. She was likable and sweet and kind - traits that had attracted a steady stream of friends into their life - they were usually girls that Lily knew, and she borrowed Iris’ friendships the way she borrowed her clothes: they fit well enough and they filled the need of the moment. But lately Iris was hanging out with girls who Lily didn’t know, girls who worked jobs and had paychecks, drove after dark, smoked cigarettes, and could get into R-rated movies. Iris’ friends were becoming exclusively hers, and Lily began to notice that her own social life had shrunken into near non-existence, especially since Kiki wasn’t speaking to her at all these days. But no matter. Dolores kept her busy with coaching and rehearsals and planning for college auditions, which helped keep Lily’s mind off of missing her mother. Dolores certainly couldn’t replace her mother, but life was a little easier now with something to look forward to. Anyway, she still had Iris and after tonight, maybe she would finally have James.
“Did you like the movie?” James asked.
“Yes, I did,” Lily replied. She removed her Styrofoam cup of hot chocolate from the dashboard, and cracked open the sip hole. A ribbon of steam escaped. Lily blew on her drink, and watched out the window as the snow gently fell, floating in the brightness of a single lamp in the auto shop parking lot.
“Are you sure? You didn’t say two words the whole time. You seem really distracted tonight.”
“I do have something on my mind,” she said.
“What is it?”
Lily looked at James, the words roiling in her gut, her fingers playing with the lid of her hot chocolate until it popped off and splashed the scalding liquid onto her coat. James reached across her lap, opened the glove box, removed a paper napkin, and dabbed at the spill. With his face inches from hers, he looked into her eyes, and said, “I won’t bite; I promise.” He smiled.
Lily closed her eyes and pushed the words out from her heart and into her throat.
“James, I love you.”
Lily’s nerves instantly settled, closely followed by the dreaded realization that the car had grown completely silent. She was sure that when she opened her eyes again she would find the snowflakes all suspended, frozen in place, along with the breath she was holding in her chest. When she finally did open them, she discovered that it was no longer snowing at all. The hot chocolate had caused a spot of condensation to form on the inside of the windshield, and James had returned to his place behind the wheel, with his left elbow on the arm rest and his left thumbnail clenched in his front teeth. He reminded Lily of that Thinker sculpture they’d learned about in Art Appreciation class.
James finally broke the silence. “The thing is, I’m just not going to be around next year, you know?”
“What does that mean?” Lily choked back tears.
“It means that I’m going to college. You know that.”
“I’m not asking you about your plans,” said Lily. Just tell me you love me. Please. Just say it.
“What do you see when you look at that building right there?” asked James.
“What? The auto shop?”
“Right. You see an auto shop. I see a prison. A prison where you pound out dents and change air filters in order to pay the mortgage and the dentist and buy groceries.”
“I don’t really understand what you’re talking about,” said Lily. “I’m just saying that I love you. Are you saying that you don’t love me?”
“I just can’t end up inside that building for the rest of my life,” said James. “I’m saying that it doesn’t matter how I feel.”
“It matters to me.”
James reached over and unbuttoned Lily’s coat, slipping it from her shoulders. He leaned over and kissed her. If he couldn’t commit to her, she was going to tell him she couldn’t see him anymore. That was the plan. James pulled Lily towards him, and kissed her deeply. She wanted to object, to pull back. She deserved better, that’s what Dolores said. Lily forgot what she was supposed to say next and she couldn’t find the sense of indignation that Dolores had so readily aroused in her earlier. They were not done talking yet, and he had not answered her question. Lily and James tangled themselves into a knot of breath and hands and feet, fogging up the windows, but never moving to the back seat. They wrangled with their passion, with their youth, and with the steering wheel, abandoning conversation. She wanted to want to stop, but this felt an awful lot like love.
Lily arrived home before Iris, who regularly came in hours after curfew and miraculously never got caught doing it. The scent of James’ Pierre Cardin cologne was still on Lily’s hands. She raised them to her face, and inhaled deeply. James hadn’t said he loved her, but he hadn’t said he didn’t either. Maybe now, though, he’ll really think about it. Maybe he would tell Lily he loved her when they went to his Senior Ball. He’d give her a corsage of miniature roses, apologize for making her wait, and tell her he loved her. Loves her. He loves me. I know he does. I can wait enough for both of us.
Lily looked out the window, anxiously waiting for Iris to get dropped off. She wondered what her mother was doing now, and wished she were downstairs in bed, wished she were home again. She tried to pretend that she was there, sleeping, but Lily’s imagination was no match for the emptiness that hung heavy in the house, which felt spoiled now. It smelled spoiled. It was spoiled. Lily longed for something to feel right, for something to be normal tonight. She went out to the hallway, picked up the phone and dialed Dolores’ number.
“Hullo?”
“Dolores?” Lily hardly recognized the raspy, weak voice on the other end of the line.
“Lily!” shouted Dolores. “Whatre you doin’ Lily of the Valley? Dijou have a good time shoppin yesserday? I had a good time shoppin wi’ you. You’re great!”
“Are you OK Dolores? Why are you talking like that?”
Lily heard a loud thud on the other end of the line.
“Oh, shit!” cried Dolores. “Dijou see that, Rosa?! I fell off the bed - izznt that crazy?!” Dolores burst into laughter. Lily couldn’t hear what Auntie Rosa was saying, but she recognized the restrained anger in her voice - she’d heard it many times as a child whenever Auntie Rosa had tried to get an uncooperative Grandma Capotosti to use the commode in the middle of the night, in the hopes she might be spared the chore of changing soiled sheets the next morning.
“But iz my beoo-ful Tiger Lily!” called Dolores.
“Lily?” said Auntie Rosa into the receiver.
“Hi, Auntie Rosa.”
“Lily, it’s late. Dolores will call you back tomorrow, OK?”
“What’s going on?”
Without reply, Auntie Rosa hung up the phone.
Lily returned to her room, turned off the light, and crawled into bed, covered with the vague sense of uneasiness in her life created by words left unspoken.
The following Monday, Lily stepped off the school bus, walked through the diesel fumes, and headed straight for James’ locker, fighting to banish the memory of the weekend, hoping that James would also be willing to just forget about the whole embarrassing thing, and that they could just go back to the way things were. So what if he couldn’t tell her how he really felt? She knew, and he knew, deep inside. She could be patient. With time, she would help him overcome his fears about love and when he did finally admit to her his true feelings
, he would be so grateful to her for her patience, and for showing him what it really meant to love someone. In the meantime, she decided, it was better to have half his heart than not have him at all.
As Lily approached James, she noticed two girls standing with him, chatting. One of them - a chubby blonde - handed him a small piece of paper, which he tucked into his shirt pocket. The girls turned and walked away, heading in Lily’s direction.
“Better luck next time,” said the chubby blonde to Lily as they passed. She and her friend smirked at Lily, assaulting her with their heavy cloud of Tabu cologne.
Lily turned to look at them as they continued down the hall, with a sense of just having been insulted in a way she didn’t quite understand. In unison, the girls looked back over their shoulders at Lily, and the chubby one leaned over to whisper something to her friend. They both burst out laughing as they disappeared into the sea of students pouring into the school.
“What was that all about?” Lily asked James.
“What was what all about?”
“That girl you were just talking to... she said to me, ‘Better luck next time,’ and then they laughed.”
“Well, that wasn’t very nice.” said James, selecting a book from the top shelf of his locker.
“Who is she?”
“Her name is Paula. Paula Wilson.” James shut his locker door, and spun the wheel on his combination lock.
Lily paused, waiting for further explanation. “What was she talking about?”
“Well, she’s a senior this year. And she doesn’t have a date to the Ball. So I asked her.”
“What do you mean?” asked Lily. “You asked her what?”
“To go with me. To the Ball.” James looked at the floor. He looked up at the stream of faces passing, waving and nodding to his friends as they went by.
Lily wanted to scream, as the truth of what he was saying dawned on her, but all that came out was, “Oh.”
“If I don’t take her, she probably won’t get to go at all. Everyone should get the chance to go to their Senior Ball. I knew you would understand.”
The Complete Series Page 41
