by Karen Ferry
I narrow my eyes at him, wishing that the room would stop spinning like mad.
“You’re the one who wanted to get to know me,” I make air quotes on the get to know me part. “You asked for it.”
“I did. So I gather that offer stated that she should give you up for adoption, and that they’d bring you up instead of your biological mother?”
“Yep. And that they’d provide her with a steady income by transferring a certain amount every month until I turned eighteen.”
Silence descends on us, and I can feel that I’m starting to drift off, so I start talking again. I want to get everything out now that I’ve started.
“Okay, after that, I went kind of nuts, threatening my mother that I’d hurt her if she didn’t give me my real mother’s full name and social security number. And what do you know? In walks my father, spitting mad. He goes right up to me and slaps me for speaking that way to her.”
“He fucking what?!” Garrett roars and jumps from his seat. I tilt my head and take in his curled fists and the furious glint in his eyes. Warmth fills me for some inane reason, seeing him like this…because of me. He looks ready to rip my father a new asshole for slapping me.
Wow. He looks so hot.
“You know,” I muse and try to sit up, pushing Rufus away. When the room spins even more, I twitch and lie down again. “Never mind. I’m too drunk to finish that thought. I don’t even know why I’m still talking.”
“Just…give me a minute,” he growls. I close my eyes.
I’m unaware of how much time passes, but it can’t be long since I avoid falling asleep on him.
“Alright,” he breathes and I can feel his arms wrap around my shoulders and underneath my knees. “You’re completely wasted, Suzy-Q. My apologies. I didn’t know you were such a lightweight.”
He lifts me, and I wrap my arms around his neck and tuck my face underneath his chin. His scent is comforting, familiar…
“I want to wear your scent as my perfume,” I whisper. He stops briefly and chuckles at me.
“You don’t know what you’re saying…”
“Yes, I do…you feel like home to me.”
I’m so far gone that I don’t notice the way his body freezes up, or that his breath comes out on a long whoosh.
“Sleep, waif,” he murmurs softly. I can feel my bed at my back as he puts me down, tucking me in as if I were a child. “Just let everything go. Rest that busy head of yours.”
I open my eyes as he takes off my pants, and I reach out my hand to him.
“Please stay with me,” I plead, hoping against hope that he’ll do as I ask.
He hesitates, a torn look in his eyes.
“I haven’t forgotten what you told me, Garrett. Our arrangement still stands. But…tonight, please hold me until I fall asleep. Please? I need to know…” I stop and drowsiness overtakes me at last.
The mattress dips down beside me, and I scoot closer as I feel Garrett’s comforting body beside me. I put my arm over his stomach and, in a bold move, let my my legs tangle with his. I sigh, finally able to relax properly for the first time in the past hour.
“What do you need to know?” he whispers, voice hoarse and uncertain.
“I need to know that while I’ll never mean much to you…” I yawn and start to drift off. “That I still matter, just a little.”
I’m no longer completely conscious, and I don’t catch his reply. I only vaguely take in the lingering kiss on my forehead, and I fall asleep with a smile on my face.
Suzy’s adorable snoring keeps me awake most of the night.
Or…that’s what I try to trick myself to believe.
I know it’s not that. I know her warm body lying close to mine is the reason.
Her last words before she fell asleep haunt me, running over and over again in my head like a broken record. That and the tale she told me, that is.
I want to wring her father’s neck and to shake some sense into her mother.
Suzy stirs in her sleep, and when she snuggles closer on a soft sigh, my heart trips in my chest. I tilt my head to take in her sleeping form, and the need to give in, to wrap her more in my arms, and to fall asunder is crushing me.
“What are you doing to me, waif?” I whisper so softly that I won’t risk waking her. “In what universe would I ever be allowed to have you in my life?”
Sighing, I shift on the bed and try to find some rest.
But it won’t come, and I lie awake all night, pondering my next move.
A SOFT KISS ON my forehead wakes me up. A warm hand caresses my cheek, and I hold my breath as the arm I’m resting on slides free from underneath me. The bed sinks, and even though I keep my eyes closed, I feel it the instant that Garrett leaves my side. A sense of loss fills me as I hear his footsteps walk away, and I sigh softly.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that he won’t stay with me, but it still stings a bit.
Strangely enough, I don’t feel any pounding in my head, just a dull throbbing from my excessive drinking last night. Images of my sorry sob story about life with my parents and the look of Garrett’s gaze when I told him about my dad slapping my cheek flitter through my mind. I roll to my back, an arm resting over my eyes.
“Suzy,” Garrett’s voice calls to me. When I hear the softness instead of the usual demanding roughness that I’ve come to expect, my eyes pop open, and I look down the length of the bed until my eyes find him. His hands are in his pockets, and while his stance seems to be relaxed, I can’t help but notice that his jaw is clenched.
“Good morning,” I yawn and stretch languidly. I blink the sleep away from the corners of my eyes and focus on him.
“How are you feeling?” he asks me as he sits down, one foot on the floor, his body turned sideways towards me.
“Fine,” I squeak and clear my throat. “I mean, I’m very embarrassed about blurting everything out like that, and I know it must have been tedious, and seemed like no big deal, and –” I babble like a lunatic.
“Stop,” he orders, but his voice is still gentle. The corners of his eyes crinkle, and warmth fills his eyes.
I could get lost in those eyes.
“There’s no need to be embarrassed, and it wasn’t tedious at all,” he reassures me, and then looks down in his lap.
“Growing up, I…” he stops, and I bite my lip, waiting with bated breath for him to continue. I have a feeling he’s about to reveal more of himself, to let his mask slip a little bit further. I’m eager for more of him.
“Well, I never doubted the affection of my parents,” he starts, and stops again. “Our home was always filled with noise and laughter. Not to say that we never argued. We did; but we couldn’t hold grudges, not back then.” His voice trails off, and he scrubs a hand over his beard before meeting my eyes again. The vulnerability I see in them takes my breath away, and I long to wrap my arms around him. But he wouldn’t like that, so instead, I sit up and cross my legs, eager to hear more.
“Go on, please,” I whisper, afraid that if I raise my voice the moment will be lost and he’ll shut down on me.
He surprises me by shifting closer towards me, so he sits cross-legged opposite me.
“My dad, Robert, was, and still is a successful lawyer. He practices criminal law – and while he usually worked late, he would always come in and say goodnight to me and my brothers when he got home. He would listen to our troubles, or just smile as we relayed our days. And he would try to keep his weekends clear so we could go to the park and play baseball. My mama, Sophia, didn’t work – she said she had enough on her plate with running the household and making sure us rascals didn’t tear down the house.”
He grins, and I can’t help but laugh a little with the images he paints me of his past.
“How many brothers do you have?” I ask him.
The grin disappears rapidly, and he scowls, tension overtaking his features.
“Only one left.”
“What?”
He stands abruptly. “Let
it go, Suzy,” he grunts and then walks away from me. He whistles at Rufus who, I now notice, is lying on the couch. The dog jumps down and trots closer to Garrett.
Disappointment mingled with sadness tears through my heart, and I scramble off the bed.
“Garrett, I’m sorry…”
“Just – just let it go, alright?” He pulls on a hooded sweatshirt, his movements quick and to the point. Rufus starts jumping around when Garrett takes the leash from the peg behind the door, but he sits down, body vibrating with eagerness when Garrett bends to put it on him.
“I’m going running,” he mutters.
I take a step further towards him.
“Garrett, please…”
“Don’t!” he snaps. I flinch at the harshness in his voice. He’s breathing hard, and his jaw is clenched so tight I can almost hear him grinding his teeth.
“I’ll be back later,” he whispers, before he walks away, Rufus trotting happily beside him.
My heart is heavy, and suppressed tears fill my eyes. The lump in my throat grows bigger as I watch his retreating back; pain pierces my heart when the door slams shut.
Why? Why, Garrett? Let me in…
My feelings are all over the place. How can even the simplest questions exert such a transformation in him? I’m confused and hurt; but most of all, I’m enraged.
“You stupid man!” I yell at the door even though it’s futile. I don’t expect Garrett to storm back inside, having had a change of heart all of a sudden, and to give me all the answers to his secrets. But as if I’m not in control of my own limbs, I run to the door, wrench it open and take off running after him, not caring in the least that I’m barefoot and barely dressed. He’s entering the elevator as I tear after him.
“You are one fucking arsehole!” I shout.
His head snaps up and his hand lashes out to prevent the doors from closing.
Breath heaving, I stop in front of him.
“How dare you?” I seethe, the full force of my adrenaline rush hitting me. “I mean, how fucking dare you to keep shutting me down like that? Last night, I revealed a part of my life that hurts me deeply, and do you think that was easy? Opening myself up to you like that?”
Tears course down my cheeks, but I wipe them away. His shuttered gaze holds mine, and I refuse to let him leave before I’ve given him a peace of my mind.
“No! It bloody well wasn’t, Garrett, but do you know what? For some inane reason, I trust you with everything that I am, and that’s why I told you.” I laugh, but there’s no joy in the sound. “I guess that makes me one hell of a fool, doesn’t it? Believing that I was finally getting somewhere with you. Ha! What a lark.”
The fight leaves my body as quickly as it took over, and I shake my head at him.
“If you’d only trust me,” I whisper, “I’d give you the world. But you won’t, will you?”
The pain screaming at me from his eyes almost makes my resolve grow weak; but as he remains silent as usual, I refuse to give in. Not this time.
“I see that silence is the only answer you are willing to give me.”
“It’s the only thing I can give you, waif.”
His broken whisper makes my knees buckle, and my breath hitches.
Inhaling a shaky breath, I straighten my back.
“Goodbye, Garrett.”
My heart is splintering in my chest, a thousand fragments exploding into the air.
“Wait, please,” he calls out as I turn my back on him. I only walk faster away from him.
“Goddammit, Suzy!” he yells. I can hear Rufus whining as the distance grows between us.
“My brother, Vincent, died, alright?”
Shocked to my very core, I stop in front of our apartment, and I squeeze my eyes shut. I can feel Garrett’s presence behind me, the warmth from his body pressing in on me. His breathing is rushed, hard, and I rest my forehead on the door.
“He was my twin, Suzy,” he whispers, and the agony in his voice pierces my heart. “He was my other half – the same voice, the same eyes, the same smile…but not the same person,” Garrett continues.
I feel him lean down on my left side to whisper in my ear.
“Do you know what it’s like to miss a piece of your soul, waif?”
I shake my head slowly. “You know I don’t.”
He sighs heavily, his chin resting on my shoulder and I lift my head and tilt it to the side, trying to comfort him even in some small way.
“Do you know what it feels like to hate, Suzy?” he asks me.
My breath falters.
“No.”
“I hope with all that I am that you’ll never find out.” His voice is no longer weak, and I shiver from hearing the harsh, unforgiving, and determined vow so close to my ear.
He rests an arm above my head, and I don’t know how long we remain standing like this in our own little world, oblivious to anyone who might find us. The moment is intimate, but not in a sexual way. I can sense how much Garrett longs to be comforted, but at the same time, he keeps holding back.
Stubborn man.
“What happened, Garrett?” I venture to ask and open my eyes to take in his stance beside me.
He squeezes his eyes shut and his other arm snakes its way across my right hip to my stomach as he shakes his head.
“Please tell me,” I beg. “Please let me help you…”
He plasters his front to my back, and I reach up to entwine our fingers, silently trying to tell him that I’m strong enough to hear his story.
“What is it about you that makes my walls crumble?”
I hope he doesn’t expect me to answer that.
“How can you come into my life like this, like a flame burning bright, tearing down my resolve to remain unattached?” he goes on.
My broken heart is starting to warm from hearing his words, but it will take more than sweet declarations like this to let him in completely again.
“Garrett –” I start, but he interrupts me.
“I killed him. I killed Vincent, and my fiancée, and our unborn child.”
“What?” I gasp, horrified.
“You heard me. I killed them.”
Head reeling, I try to get in control of my body that has begun to shake.
“Everyone said it was an accident,” he muses, not seeming to take in the shock that has overcome me. “The road that night might have been like ice from the snow, and the man driving the truck that came screeching towards us might have been drunk, but…I know better. I killed them.”
My breath comes out in huffs, and I feel lightheaded, as if I’m about to faint for the first time in my life.
Garrett was engaged?
He was meant to be a dad?
There was an accident?
“I should never have given in to your charms, waif. Look at us now; you’re trembling from fear, and I’m falling further and further…until I hit the bottom and can’t fall anymore.”
He makes a pained sound, one that starts a cacophony of pinpricks in my entire being.
“I’m not afraid of you, Garrett,” I try to reassure him. The tremble in my lips makes me doubt the truth of my words.
He chuckles darkly. “Oh, but you are, my sweet waif.”
Biting my lip, I tighten my hold on his hand.
“I can’t be afraid of you when you haven’t told me the whole story.”
He doesn’t give me an answer for the longest time. Rufus starts traipsing beside us, whining and fidgeting, and I begin to let the real world in again.
We can’t keep standing here.
“I’ll never be able to give you what you want, Suzy,” Garrett’s strangled voice breathes into my ear.
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want the ugliness of my past to taint your innocence.”
I open my mouth to protest, but before I know it, he’s wrenched his hand free from mine. I turn around to watch him leave.
Only this time, I don’t follow him as he enters the eleva
tor with his faithful dog. Rufus looks back at me a couple of times, and the sadness in his eyes makes mine well up again.
I need time to sort out the mess in my head before I see Garrett again.
Before I make up my mind about him, once and for all.
I vow to myself that wherever I go from here, I will stand by my decision. I will listen, both to my head and my heart. Whatever the two decide, I will follow.
Tap, tap, tap.
I’m running at a steady pace but my heart is in turmoil. The rhythm of my feet hitting the gravel around Central Park should ease the darkness like it always does, but it’s not doing the trick this time. I glance down at Rufus who seems to have picked up on my mood; instead of holding his head high, tongue lolling, and sniffing the air like he usually does, his head hangs low and there’s no spring in his step.
Breath heaving, I slow down until we come to a stop. I lift my head and close my eyes, letting the soft rain wash away my sweat for a minute as I relay the scene with Suzy.
“What the fuck is she doing to me?” I ask Rufus, bending in my knees to scratch his ears. Doleful, he lets me pet him, but he doesn’t answer me.
Well, obviously not.
“Great, now I’m talking to my dog as if I’d get an answer back,” I grumble, annoyed with myself.
I sigh as I straighten back up and go to the nearest tree to stretch my sore limbs before we head home again. I’m interrupted by my cell ringing, and I wipe the rain from my eyes before checking the caller-ID.
“Now’s not a good time, Colin,” I grumble, voice rough when I answer.
He chuckles in my ear. “It’s never a good time for you these days.”
Annoyed, I jump a bit on the spot, keeping my limbs warm and loose.
“Anyway, I don’t care, Garrett. It’s time to return to the living for good.”
I stop and stare down at Rufus, who seems to be grinning at me now.
“What do you mean by that?” I ask him, suspicious of what he could have in mind.
“Only that you need to show your investors that you’re still running the restaurant – that you haven’t lost your touch.”
I groan, but I know he’s right. Three months in rehab won’t have left a very good impression of me, and I need to cement that I’ve changed.
