by Ava Ashley
“Don’t mind if I do,” she said, in a way that struck me as a little odd, and stepped into my apartment. She walked straight into the living room and sat right down on the couch, without bothering to wait for me to invite her. I couldn’t help but get the impression that she knew the layout of my apartment pretty well, for never having been here before. “I like what you’ve done with the place,” she said.
“Thanks,” I said, ignoring the weirdness of the comment and still hoping this was nothing more than an innocent visit. “Can I get you anything?”
“No thanks,” she said. “I won’t be here long, I don’t think.”
“All right,” I said, finding my suspicion of the situation growing harder and harder to ignore. “So, what can I do for you?”
“Oh, nothing,” she said, pulling out a manila envelope from her purse that looked sickeningly familiar. It was not as if manila envelopes were such rare items or anything, but I didn’t think I liked where this was going. “As a matter of fact, I’m here to do something for you.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“Check it out,” she said, shoving the envelope in my direction even as I declined to take it from her. “I know I could have just shown you a few snapshots and it would have done the trick, but I’m pretty proud of my work here. I’ve got a birth certificate, baptism certificate, a really darling birth announcement that I think you’ll find—”
“What birth announcement?” I said, interrupting her.
“Well, take a look why don’t you,” she said, once again pushing the envelope toward me.
I wasn’t sure I really wanted to look inside, but I didn’t think I had any other choice. I crossed over to the countertop, not wanting Trina to be too close to me when I saw whatever it was she wanted me to see. I opened the envelope and took out the contents.
It was filled with baby pictures. A really, truly adorable little baby girl. There were pictures of her as a newborn, and then more as she got older and stronger. In the most recent ones, it looked like she had learned to walk. A knot was tightening in my stomach, and then I came across the birth certificate.
Her name was Jane Marie Finn. I didn’t have to look at the line for the father’s name to know what it said. Jane was Hunter’s grandmother’s name, and he had always wanted to name a daughter after her. And although I could hardly believe my eyes, it looked like he had already gotten his chance.
“All right,” I said, turning to Trina and somehow miraculously keeping my cool. “So you’re the one who found that videotape of Hunter and his wife, aren’t you?”
“Yup!” Trina exclaimed. “That was pretty lucky. I was snooping around in Hunter’s video collection and there were only a few that didn’t have labels. I took them all home with me. The others were just tapes of cage fighting matches and things like that. But that one! Pure gold.”
“Why are you doing this?” I asked. “What’s in it for you?”
“Mostly just some money,” she said. “But honestly, after I met you and Hunter, I started to enjoy it. You’ve got that sickly sweet, everything is perfect kind of attitude that just drives me nuts.”
“So this is what you do?” I said, my voice rising. “You go out of your way to fuck with people? What is wrong with you?”
“Because everything isn’t perfect,” she went on. “And anyone who thinks so has her head up her ass. So I have enjoyed showing you that—”
“You’ve made your point,” I said. “Now get out of my house.”
“OK, OK,” she said, getting up and heading to the door. “Oh, there’s just one more thing I thought you’d like to know. That you might find interesting—”
“I am not interested in anything else you have to say,” I said, and started to push Trina. I wanted her out of my house, and if I had to get physical, then I would. “Get out!”
“All right!” she said, throwing her hands up. “I know you pack a mean punch, so I’ll go. I don’t want to end up like my brother.”
“Your brother?” I asked, unable to hide my incredulity even though I knew that was exactly what Trina wanted. “Nate is your brother?”
“That’s right!” she cried in delight. “See? And you wouldn’t let me tell you—”
Before she could finish, or before I really did start to get crazy mad again and punch her lights out, I slammed the door in her face. I turned around, and my empty apartment stared back at me, desolate and utterly depressing. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t believe that Hunter had a daughter. That he had lied to me, kept something so huge from me. How could he? Was he really not who I thought he was at all?
I flopped down on the couch, still in complete shock. I was trying to keep my thoughts from turning bitter, but it was hard to stop myself.
So that’s what I get, I thought. I get exactly twenty-four hours of feeling all right, of feeling free and easy for the first time since I got cancer. And now, it’s over. It’s all over.
I didn’t have too long to dwell on my bitterness, though, because in a few minutes I heard the sound of a motorcycle pulling up outside, and then an impatient knocking on the door. So Hunter had found out about Trina, and was now rushing here in a panic to try to smooth things over with me. Well, this would not be smoothed over. I sat on the couch for a while, not sure if I should even let him in.
After all, he had been unbelievably deceitful. He had had a daughter this whole time, and not told me. That meant all those times he was going to San Diego, he must have been going to see her. How could he keep something like that from me?
Then again, considering this news, this might be the last time I’d ever see him. If I didn’t open the door, I’d never know what he had to say about the whole situation. I didn’t think there was any way I could forgive him for this. How could I ever trust him again?
He knocked again, harder.
“Anna!” he called. “Are you home?”
I sighed, and willed my heart not to break, not just yet. I knew it was coming. I knew the sorrow of losing him and every hope of happiness I thought I’d gotten back would hit me soon, and it was going to hit hard. But I hoped I could put it off at least until after he and I had this conversation. After he left, then I could really break down. For now, I had to be strong. I got up and opened the door.
Hunter took one look at my face and knew exactly what had happened.
“Oh no,” he said. “She already got to you, didn’t she.”
I nodded.
“Can I come in?” he asked.
“I guess so,” I said. “Just for a little while. And then you have to go.”
“OK,” he said.
I braced myself, not sure I would be able to say the words that I knew I had to say, afraid that my voice would fail me and I wouldn’t be able to get them out.
“And then you can’t come back,” I told him. “Ever.”
Chapter Thirty
Hunter
“No, Anna,” I said. “Please don’t say that. Please at least hear me out first.”
“I’ll hear what you have to say,” she told me. “But then that’s it, Hunter. I don’t think I will ever be able to trust you again.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, my heart breaking at her words. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am. And I understand that that’s how you would feel, but please, I swear to you, I didn’t want to deceive you.”
“Then why didn’t you just tell me?” she asked. “Why did you lie to me? All those times you were going to San Diego, it was to see her, wasn’t it?”
“Yes,” I admitted. “It was. Please, Anna,” I said, reaching for her hand. She snatched it away.
“Please don’t touch me, Hunter,” she said quietly. “It’s too much.”
“I’m so sorry, Anna,” I said. “I can’t say it enough. I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you so badly. But I didn’t know how. Every time I was with Jane, all I could think about was how much I wanted you to be a part of her life. How good I thought you’d
be with her.”
“Then why didn’t you just tell me?” she asked. “What could have been so hard about that? I found out you had a wife, and we made it through that. Now this? How am I supposed to get through this, Hunter?”
“I don’t know,” I pleaded. “But we have to try.”
“I can’t, Hunter,” she told me. “I’m sorry, but that’s the answer. I can’t get through this.”
“I tried to tell you,” I said. “Every time I brought up how I thought you’d be a good mother, that’s what I wanted to tell you. But then you always shut down. And of course after that I found out why that made you shut down. But before, I didn’t know. I didn’t understand.”
“I see,” Anna said, her voice tiny and sad.
“And then of course when I found out about your cancer, and that you couldn’t have kids, I didn’t have the heart to tell you I already had a child of my own,” I told her. “I thought it would break your heart.”
“The truth is, Hunter, it does break my heart,” she said, tears springing to her eyes as she turned away from me. “The truth is, even if I thought I could trust you again, I’m not sure I could be with you. I am not sure I can deal with my jealousy over the fact that you had a child with someone else, and that you can never, ever have one with me.”
“Anna, I understand that,” I said. “But please, can we try to make it work? I want you to be part of Jane’s life. I want us to be a family.”
“I wish that I could,” she said. “But I don’t think I’m that strong. Hunter, I love you, but this is too much. It’s just too much for me. Please, you have to leave.”
“Anna, I—”
“Please,” she begged, her voice hardly a whisper.
“All right,” I said, my voice breaking. “I’ll go. But please, if you ever change your mind, if you ever want to see me or just to talk, please call me.”
“OK,” she said. “But please just know that I don’t think that’s going to be happening. I think it is going to be best for me to just try to forget about you.”
Those were the saddest, most painful words I had ever heard in my life, and at that moment I honestly didn’t know if I could take it. I wasn’t sure that I would be strong enough to turn around and walk out the door. But somehow, I did it. Somehow, I managed to walk outside and away from Anna, away from the only woman I’d ever loved, or, I was certain, ever would love.
That’s when things got really bad. All I could see in front of me was a big, black, empty void. I wasn’t thinking straight. I didn’t even know how to think. Thinking, as a matter of fact, was exactly what I didn’t want to do. Thinking was only going to make the big, black empty void get blacker and blacker. So, I didn’t think.
I picked up my helmet, got on my bike, and started to drive like a total madman through Santa Monica, then up Route One and finally into the Santa Monica Nature Reserve. Out in the tree-lined, winding roads of the reserve, I let loose. I wanted to go so fast that I could leave my problems and my stupid decisions behind me.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t just a stupid hare-brained idea: you really can go that fast. You can go so fast that you lose control and smash your body into the pavement, and if you’re going fast enough that’s the end of your problems. Because dead men don’t have problems.
Of course, in my case I was throwing away more than just my problems. I was throwing away the good things in my life too. After all, though I’d lost Anna, I still had Jane. But by the time I realized that, it was too late. My bike skidded and slipped out from under me, and soon I was flying through the air and directly into the hard, unforgiving pavement.
Chapter Thirty-One
Anna
After Hunter left, I was a little bit afraid to be alone with my thoughts. I was feeling angry, and increasingly bitter. Those were two feelings I didn’t often let myself feel, even back when I was dealing with a life-threatening case of cancer. I always tried not to feel bad for myself. I always tried to be grateful for what I did have, and not for the hardships that befell me.
But this, this was too much. I wanted to kick and scream and cry about how unfair it was. After all I’d gone through: getting cancer, losing my love, knowing I would never have children, and thinking that that would mean I could never have happiness with the man I loved, I’d finally gotten to a point where I thought all the pain of my life was really, truly behind me. And I didn’t get to live with that blissful, wonderful feeling for even a whole day.
I knew I shouldn’t be alone when I was feeling like this. I dialed Betsy’s number, knowing that she would always be there for me in a jam.
“Hey, girl,” she said, picking up after only a few rings, as always. Suddenly, I was so grateful to her, and realized how lucky I was to have her in my life. I thought I had taken her friendship for granted, and vowed to do more to show her how much I appreciated her.
“Hey,” I said, unable to keep my voice from sounding utterly broken.
“Oh no, honey,” she said. “What is it?”
“I’m sorry I only call you when something’s wrong,” I said, breaking down in tears.
“What?” Betsy said. “Oh, girl, that’s not the problem. I’m sorry that so many things are wrong that you have to call me about them. Seems like you can’t catch a break.”
“You’re too good to me,” I told her.
“No way,” she said. “You’ve always been there for me too. Remember when Ted and I broke up that time? And you paid for half my ticket to come see you in Australia?”
“Yeah,” I said. “But that was selfish. I wanted to see you. And I only had to pay for half the ticket.”
“You’re ridiculous,” Betsy said, “and I’m coming to get you, and then you can tell me what happened. All right?”
“Thank you,” I said. “I love you, you know.”
“Girl, I love you too,” she said. “Now pack your bag. Be there in a few.”
“All right,” I said.
As I packed my bag and waited for Betsy, I replayed the conversation I’d had with Hunter over and over in my mind. I couldn’t believe that he had deceived me all this time, but then again, when I thought back, I remembered all the times he’d brought up how he thought I’d be such a good mother. And I knew that he was telling the truth, that he had been trying to tell me about his daughter, but my secret was getting in the way.
Still, I thought, he should have told me. This was too huge to keep from me. And not only that, but I really wasn’t sure I could handle having another woman’s daughter in our lives. I would look at her, and see everything about her that wasn’t like me. And I would think about how I would never look at a child and see myself in her face. I knew I wasn’t the only woman in the world who had gone through this kind of pain, but I just didn’t see how I could handle it.
Then again, I had thought that cancer would be too much for me and Hunter to handle together too. And I regretted that decision for years. For the nine years before I came back to L.A., I wanted nothing more than to erase the moment I broke up with him. Then later, I thought that the fact that I couldn’t have children would keep us apart. And I was wrong about that, too. Did I really want to push Hunter out of my life a second time, just because things got a little tough?
Only moments before, I had thought it was the right decision. As a matter of fact, I had thought it was the only decision. But now, I wasn’t so sure. After all, although the notion seemed kind of corny, I really did believe that Hunter was my soul mate. And I believed that when it came to soul mates, you only got one. Every relationship had difficulties. It would be difficult to deal with the fact that he had a child, and I couldn’t have my own. But was it impossible?
Soon Betsy arrived, with a pint of double chocolate chip ice cream in tow.
“Thought you might need some of this,” she said, handing it to me. “I think there’s a spoon in the glove compartment.”
“Did I sound that bad?” I asked.
“Pretty bad, yeah,” she said. “
So, you ready to tell me what’s up?”
I took a deep breath and told her everything.
“So, I told him he had to leave,” I said, swallowing. “And that he couldn’t come back.”
“Oh, honey,” she said, reaching over to squeeze me on the shoulder. “That’s so awful. I can’t believe he has a daughter. I had no idea!”
“Yeah,” I said. “Needless to say, I didn’t either.”
“It doesn’t seem like him, though,” she said. “He’s never been a deceitful person.”
“No,” I agreed. “I mean, he did try to tell me. But every time he did, I kind of shut down a little, because I didn’t want to talk about motherhood.”
“Oh,” she said. “That makes sense. So, what do you think? Is it over between you two?”
“I don’t know, Betsy,” I said. “What do you think I should do?”
“Well, of course that’s up to you,” she said. “But I don’t know. It’s a tough one. I mean, obviously I don’t like that he kept this a secret from you.”
“No,” I said. “And it’s such a big secret. It makes me wonder what else he is capable of keeping from me.”
“But does it really?” she asked. “I know it seems huge, but I don’t know. When it comes down to it, I really trust Hunter.”
“You do?”
“Yeah,” she said. “I do. He loves you. He’s always loved you. In the years you were gone, every once in a while me and Ted would run into him. And he’d always, always ask about you. And every time, it was just so obvious that he’d never gotten over it.”
“Really?” I asked. “I didn’t know that.”
“I know,” she said. “I guess I should have told you. But I didn’t want to dredge up painful feelings.”
“I understand,” I said. “And I agree with you. Even though he kept his daughter a secret, I get why he did it. And I can’t help but trust him.”
“Then I guess the only question is, do you think you could handle having his daughter be part of your life?”
I sighed. “I just don’t know,” I said. “I’d like to think I could. I’d like to think that I’m not so petty and jealous that I couldn’t love her. But I’m not sure I really could.”
