by Hannah Shaw
Even the squirrels in the trees were sniggering.
“I don’t really understand why everyone is laughing,” Ursula said. “I’m not even scruffy yet…”
“They are just jealous of our unique qualities,” Gerb said firmly.
“Look!” said Itch. “The playground!”
It was the best playground in town. There was a slide with a great big muddy patch at the bottom, a dozen swings, a great roundabout, some see-saws and a zipline with a dirty pile of bark chippings underneath. There was even a grubby tunnel to crawl through and as many big splashy puddles as you could count. It was PERFECT.
“Off you go, Ursula,” said Itch. “You need to get as dirty as possible”.
“We want to play too!” cried the other Scruffs, and soon they were whizzing down the slide, rolling in the bark chippings and dashing back and forth through the tunnel.
The children in the playground screeched with excitement as the Scruffs ran through puddles, spraying muddy water everywhere. Soon everyone was filthy.
Ursula even managed to get an old sock stuck on her tail. When they had finished, the Scruffs all agreed that this had been the Best Fun Ever. “Even better than playing hide-and-seek,” agreed Lost.
“Well I do have the greatest ideas,” Itch boasted happily. “But Ursula, all that mud could be easily washed off – we can’t make that mistake again. We need to do more…”
“Leaves!” squeaked Gerb. Neat piles of leaves that had been raked that morning by the park-keeper were just waiting there … for a…
“Leaf fight!” yelled Itch. Soon leaves and twigs and catkins were stuck in Ursula’s muddy fur as the Scruffs threw leaves at each other and rolled around like puppies.
They were all out of breath when Elvis (who had turned purple in the brown leaves) spotted: “Ice cream! Sweet and sticky and PERFECT for our needs.”
An ice-cream van had just parked up on the grass and a queue was starting to form. Parents and children leapt away from the muddy animals as they barged their way in through a crowd of legs. Ursula was closest to the front of the queue. “Stand there!” Itch hissed.
A toddler was just being handed a huge melting ice cream. “That’s the one! Now – wait for it … GO!” Itch nudged Ursula forwards and she wrapped herself around the toddler’s legs. “Puddy!” squealed the toddler delightedly.
SPLAT! The toddler dropped her ice cream on Ursula’s back. “Waaah!”
RESULT!
The Scuffs lolled around on the green grass in the sunshine and waited for Ursula’s new sticky ice-cream coat to dry. Soon it was rock hard. However hard Mr Straw tried now, he’d never get the combination of mud, leaves and ice cream glue out of her fur in time.
“Oi, you pesky vermin! Was it you messing up my leaves?” a loud voice shouted, disturbing the peace.
The Scruffs leapt to their feet. A grumpy man in a park-keeper’s jacket wielding a rake was looming over them. “I’m going to teach you a lesson you won’t forget!” he shouted.
The gang looked at each other and the crowd of annoyed adults and amused children, squirrels and pets who had gathered to goggle.
“Well, what are we waiting for?” Ursula hissed urgently. “RUN!”
Chapter Nine
A PERFECT PONG
Tom Cat was still in the cafe window, washing his paws and waiting for the Scruffs to come back, when…
Zooom!
He blinked.
Was that those scruffy pets? They’d gone so fast he couldn’t be sure. Then…
Zip!
A red-faced man with a rake sped past. Was this a chase?
This was too exciting. Tom Cat leapt down from his window sill and dashed out of the cat-flap, hurrying along the street after the man.
“The park-keeper is still behind us!” Gerb yelled to Itch. “But if we turn right down that alley we’ll lose him!” Itch veered down the alley and Ursula followed. They both stood still, their backs to the wall. Lost almost missed the turning, stumbled, and did a slow-motion (crash) landing on to the cobbles. Gerb rolled off her back, landing in a heap against the wall.
To their relief, they saw the park-keeper running past the entrance to the alley, and then a few minutes later he walked past again, heading back towards the park, looking puzzled and puffed out.
“I think he’s given up,” Gerb said, pricking up his ears. “Phew.”
Itch stopped panting and sniffed the air…
“Poooooeeey!”
The others looked at Itch, baffled.
“Can’t anyone else smell that?”
“Uh? What?”
Itch trotted down the alley, following his nose. He stopped by some bins and called for the others to come and smell. “Ergh, that is PONGY!” agreed Slug. “Even for us!”
“Where’s it coming from?” asked Gerb. “We need stinky smells right now!”
A couple of rats were gnawing on a bone in the corner. “Let’s go and ask them,” Itch said.
“Can we help you?” they asked suspiciously.
“We are the Scruffs,” Gerb explained.
“And we’re on an important mission,” continued Itch. “A little girl wants to buy our friend, so we need to make her as scruffy and yucky as possible…” He introduced them to Ursula. The rats listened politely (all rats are polite, unlike pigeons).
“Well, she’s QUITE scruffy now,” said the first rat. “But there’s just one problem…”
“She smells just like ice-cream,” said the second rat. “And what do all children like?”
“ICE-CREAM.”
“Our advice is to jump in those bins over there!” The rats pointed. “That’s where that smell is coming from. Then you’ll stink just like us!”
Ursula looked at the leaky bins, overflowing with putrid rubbish, and her nose wrinkled. She hadn’t minded rolling in sawdust, or leaves, or mud, but surely bin juice was a step too far?
“Come on, it’s not that bad!” said Itch. “I used to sleep in bins when I was young pup.” Although none quite as smelly as this, he thought to himself. To demonstrate, he climbed into a bin, which was lying on its side, and lounged in the rubbish, wagging his tail. The others decided to show Ursula it wasn’t so bad either, so they all joined in.
Eventually, screwing up her nose, Ursula went in. The smell was awful as she rolled around in mouldy banana skins, half-empty bean cans, greasy fish bones, rotten cabbage and out-of-date eggs.
“OK, enough already!” Ursula cried, and she waded out.
“How do we smell, rats?” Gerb asked.
The rats sniffed. “You stink divine! We think you smell great – which means you smell awful…”
Everyone thanked them for their help and agreed that rats were indeed very polite and helpful creatures.
“Right, I think Part Two of the plan has been a success. Now it’s time to get back to the shop, so that Ursula can be rejected – that way she gets to stay, and Mr Straw won’t get into trouble with the customers.” Itch herded the gang back towards the entrance of the alley.
“Not so fast, Scruffs,” came a sneering voice. “You’ll have to get past me first.” There was Tom Cat, and he was blocking their way out. “I know you’re up to something. What is it?”
“None of your business! Now get out of our way,” Ursula glowered.
“JUST LOOK AT YOU!” Tom Cat howled with laughter and pointed at her. “What have you done to yourself? You look TERRIBLE!”
“Do I?” Ursula smiled. “Oh, good.”
This was not the reaction Tom Cat was expecting. He was used to being annoying. He stepped a little closer and tried another insult. “You are one U.G.L.Y. cat,” he said, putting his paw to his nose. “Oh…” He started to turn a little green. “You smell…”
The Scruffs crowded around Tom Cat, trying to stink him out.
“Oh … you smell REVOLTING! But why? Why would you want to smell like that?”
His eyes narrowed. “I don’t know what your plans are but when
I saw you leave this morning you certainly didn’t look like you do now – especially not you, my fine cat. My guess would be Mr Straw finally wants to sell a pet and you lot don’t want him to.” Tom Cat started to chuckle. “I’m going to make sure you don’t get away with this. Just wait while I go and tell Mr Straw what you’re up to.” With that, he turned and sped away.
“Phew!” cried Lost. “He’s gone.”
“No, Lost, you don’t understand,” groaned Itch. “If he wakes up Mr Straw before we let ourselves back in the shop, he’ll know we’ve escaped and he’ll have time to give us a bath. We need to get back before that Tom Cat does and we can lock him out!”
“We need transport! What about if we all get in that!?” Gerb said, pointing to an abandoned shopping trolley.
The pets all sped past, much to Tom’s horror. “Grr! You cheats!”
The filthy, stinky Scruffs reached the door of the Perfect Pet Shop. They let themselves inside as quietly as they could, and crept into their beds.
Eventually, they heard the Town Hall bell chime for eleven o’clock, followed by the familiar shuffle of Mr Straw’s slippers coming downstairs.
Mr Straw scratched his head when he saw the time on the shop clock. “How on earth…” he yawned. “I must have slept in.” Then… “Odd smell in here…” Luckily he barely glanced at the Scruffs as he was still half-asleep and hadn’t made himself his first morning cup of tea yet. (Without his morning cup of tea, Mr Straw did not function properly). He pottered off to the kitchen.
Ting-a-ling!
IT WAS THE CUSTOMERS! The animals all gulped in excitement. Time to see if their plan would work…
Still confused, Mr Straw stumbled to the front door and let in the customers from the day before.
“Eww,” the woman said. “It smells VERY odd in here. Even compared to yesterday. Excuse me – are you wearing pyjamas?”
“Er, come in,” said Mr Straw, scratching blearily at his face. “Usually I’m dressed by this time, but my alarm clock must have malfunctioned…”
The woman rolled her eyes. “It doesn’t matter. We’re in hurry. We’ve come for the cat!”
Bunty, who was sucking on a lollipop, said nothing, but her arms were folded and her eyes were glaring and she tapped her foot impatiently.
“I … err…” Mr Straw’s face was white with misery. He clearly did not want to give Ursula away.
“Chop-chop. I expected you to have her ready. After all, I did give you a very generous deposit yesterday…”
“Err…”
“Well, what’s her name?” the woman demanded. “I’ll call her myself.”
“Err … it’s Ursula.”
“URRRRSULA!” The woman screeched.
Bunty took the lolly out of her mouth and pointed to the corner of the shop where the food products were stored. Ursula’s tail was sticking out behind a stack of tins.
“Mummy, she’s over there!”
“Finally.” The woman strode over, grabbed Ursula by the tail, and dragged her out.
“Neeeeow!” Ursula protested.
“Here’s the ickle pussycat you wanted, my princess…” she began, ready to hand her over to the girl.
“Meow?”
“AGGGgggHhhh!” The woman took one look at the cat she was holding and dropped her. Ursula landed at Bunty’s feet and stared up at their horrified faces.
“Meeeow!?” She tried again (she was starting to enjoy this!).
“EEEEK! Mummy! That’s not the same cat, just look at it!”
“JUST SMELL IT!” The woman grabbed a hankie to her face and realized her hands were covered in stinky, sticky guck. “Agghhhhhh!” she cried again.
“MUUUUMMMMMMMMMY!” yelled Bunty. “It’s NOT FAIR! I HATE YOU! I want another PET, NOW NOW NOW!” and she threw herself on the floor and pounded her fists.
The woman tried to compose herself but she was not coping. “Bunty, get up!” But Bunty continued to kick and yell and cry.
“Surely there are other pets in here?” she hissed desperately at Mr Straw. “One that is not quite as hideous as this one?”
“Yes, there are other animals, but they are not for sale,” said Mr Straw, who had been watching in amazement. “You already met them yesterday … come out, folks,” he called softly.
The Scruffs rushed out from their hiding places and they all made sure they got a little too close to the awful customers. Itch made himself lick the woman (even though she tasted of strong perfume, which wasn’t very nice).
“Oh, NOT them!” The woman started to wail. “Get them away!”
It was too much: the pong of the Scruffs, their filthy coats, scales, feathers – and that slug! Not to mention the useless pet shop owner and her tantruming daughter. The woman began to look faint; she stumbled and fell against the rack of fish tanks. The shelf wobbled, and a whole tank of green water full of slimy pond weed (but luckily, no fish) tipped over on top of her head, soaking her from head to toe. This was followed by a gentle rain of red fish food flakes, which stuck all over her.
The shock of seeing this happen to her mother made Bunty stop crying, and instead she started laughing. She laughed so much that the Scruffs and Mr Straw started laughing too.
It was at that moment that Tom Cat burst through the door, panting and desperate to get the Scruffs into trouble.
“Mummy, LOOK! That’s the cat I want!” Bunty had stopped laughing and was pointing eagerly at Tom Cat, who looked confused. He started to back away, but it was too late – Bunty grabbed him and hugged him so tight his eyes began to water.
“Oh, that one isn’t mine…” Mr Straw began.
“No, that’s because he’s MINE!” squeaked Bunty cheerily. She stuck her lolly back in her mouth, took hold of her dripping-wet mother’s hand and led her out of the shop.
“Bye!” she said in a sing-song voice. “Thanks for the cat. We probably won’t be back.”
The Scruffs watched in wonder as Tom Cat was carried away, helpless in the little girl’s iron grip.
“Well,” Mr Straw said, finally. “I don’t know what happened here this morning, but it’s all worked out for the best.” Ursula gave his leg an affectionate rub. “Phew! The only thing I DO know is that you are all having a bath – starting with you…”
Chapter Ten
A CLOSE SHAVE
“Did you see Tom Cat’s face as that little girl pounced? I’ll never forget it!” Itch chuckled, yawned and adjusted his eyepatch. He stretched out leisurely in the back yard. “And I’ve never had to endure two baths in one week.”
“I just got away with a brush of Mr Straw’s toothbrush,” boasted Gerb. “Baths and gerbils don’t mix.”
“I got a shower,” said Elvis, “with the plant spray! Uh-huh!”
Lost wasn’t saying much; she was too busy flapping her wings to try and dry them off. She didn’t like being damp and all that warm water had steamed her glasses up. Slug had given himself a wash with the watering can. He had started to feel a little dried up and crispy with all the mud clogging his pores.
They all turned and gasped when Ursula stepped out of the cat flap.
Poor Ursula – the mud + leaves + ice cream + bin juice combination had matted her fur into a tangle of dreadlocks that just wouldn’t come out, however hard Mr Straw tried. In the end he’d borrowed a pair of clippers from the barber’s opposite. His hairdressing skills left much to be desired.
“How did you like your … erm … close shave?” Itch asked Ursula. He chuckled a little.
“That’s quite a different look for you, Ursula,” cackled Gerb.
Ursula rolled her eyes. “It’s much cooler without all that fur.”
“Don’t worry, Ursula,” Lost tried to reassure her. “I’m sure it will grow back one day.”
The funny thing was, it never did! Not that Ursula minded; she was a fully-fledged Scruff now and she most certainly looked the part.
“It’s unlikely anyone will ever want me as a pet looking like this,
” she mewed. “And I couldn’t be happier!”
“We’re not pets,” said Itch. “We’re Mr Straw’s animal friends, and that’s the way we’ll stay! Hurrah for the Scruffs!”
“Viva los Scruffs!” echoed Elvis.
“If we’re not pets then that means we won’t be able to enter the local Pet Show, will we?” laughed Slug, showing the gang an advert he’d found in Mr Straw’s newspaper.
“Well, I wouldn’t mind all that money,” said Itch…
“Shall we enter?” gasped Gerb. “Do you think we could win?”
“Maybe,” said Ursula, looking determined, “what we need is a special Scruffs plan…”
Hannah Shaw is an award-winning author and illustrator of young fiction and picture books. Her books include Stan Stinky, Sewer Hero and Stan Stinky vs the Sewer Pirates as well as Bear on a Bike and School for Bandits.
Hannah’s illustrations can be seen in books by other authors such as Gareth Edwards’ The Disgusting Sandwich and the Sophie stories by
Dick King-Smith. She lives on the outskirts of a friendly Cotswold town with her scruffy family and her old smelly dog. She has at least eight unofficial pet slugs who like to glide around her kitchen at night.
Also available by Hannah Shaw...
Meet Stan Stinky – the unluckiest rat in the sewer. But when UNCLE RATTS and his sidekick, ROACHY the cockroach, disappear, Stan must become an ADVENTURER, SURFER and SEWER HERO to save them!
