by Julia Fowler
who want to lick the red
off your candy.
Your chickens
will always come home
to roost.
You can’t make
a silk purse out of a
sow’s ear.
If you're gonna dance,you
gotta pay the fiddler.
If you can’t hang with
the big dogs then stay
on the porch.
If you find yourself
in a hole, quit digging.
Don’t take any
wooden nickels.
Never chew your
cabbage twice.
Bloom where you’re planted.
Talk Southern
to Me 'Bout
Love and
Marriage
Love and Marriage
“Honey, you really crank my tractor.”
I am a natural redhead and whiter than a frog’s belly. My body is covered with freckles. I had an overbite so bad I could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence. From age twelve to fifteen I had braces accessorized by external headgear that had to be worn twenty-four hours a day. I was 5'9" by the time I was fourteen years old. My boobs were so small they looked like two cherries on an ironing board. And despite being raised on Crisco-enhanced Southern cooking, I was so skinny, if I stuck out my tongue I looked like a zipper. As you can imagine, boys were not easy.
Yet somehow there were boys. And together we stumbled through years of puppy love and awkward dating, honing our ability to navigate the particular protocols of Southern romance. If you’ve ever dated a Southerner or if you’re married to a Southerner then you know we go about love and marriage a little differently than folks in other parts of the country. There are customs. Conventions. Commandments.
The Ten Commandments for Dating In The South:
1. Thou Shalt Impress Mama and Daddy Because Family Matters.
You will never have a truly successful relationship in the South if you don’t win over your sweetheart’s parents. This won’t be easy. Southern Mamas ask a million questions and are extremely opinionated and impossible to please. You will never be good enough for their daughter or son. Accept this and move on. Southern daddies are especially protective of their daughters. They think nothing of standing on the front porch with a shotgun while some poor feller picks up their daughter for a date. Do not agitate a Southern Daddy. Fear him and treat him and his daughter with great respect, or he is certain to whip out a can of whoop-ass.
You must win over the rest of your sweetheart’s family as well—brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, first cousins, second cousins, third cousins removed—all of ’em. You must embrace even the most eccentric of relatives and show genuine empathy when Cousin Lurlene rattles on and on about her restless leg syndrome. Oh, and if you make the critical mistake of betraying your sweetheart, then be prepared for his/her entire Southern family to hunt you down medieval army style. They’ll make Game of Thrones seem like a Disney cartoon.
2. Thou Shalt Be Chivalrous.
When I was a teen, if a boy blew his horn expecting me to come out of my house and hop in his car for a date, my parents would run that heathen off faster than green grass through a goose. My parents taught me to have enough self-respect to be repulsed by men who did not treat me in a chivalrous manner. Southern women love to be treated like royalty. In fact, we demand it. That’s why, even in today’s fast-paced world, the South still manages to churn out Southern gentlemen. Proper Southern gentlemen hold open doors for ladies, pull out dining chairs for ladies, stand up when ladies leave the dinner table or enter a room, open car doors for ladies, walk closest to the street, hold umbrellas, help ladies take off and put on coats, and even offer up their own coat if a lady is cold.
Even self-proclaimed Southern feminists know this has nothing to do with ability. Of course Southern women can open their own doors, pull out their own chairs, and put on their own coats. We’re a distinctly capable bunch. Chivalrous behavior stems from the fact that Southern men value tradition and enjoy treating women in a special way. And as difficult as this is for non-Southerners to understand, Southern women find this treatment empowering. We love it when our men take the lead and behave like they are in charge. That’s ’cause everybody in the South knows the women are actually in charge.
3. Thou Shalt Not Leave Home If It Took You Less Than Five Minutes to Get Ready.
The South is filled with men and women who are hotter than doughnut grease. So if you’re looking for love, it’s unwise to go out looking like something the cat drug in. Looking your best requires time, and even the most naturally beautiful Southern women take a decade to get ready. And don’t think this doesn’t apply to redneck gals. They too will spend an hour painting their nails, fluffing their hair, applying their makeup, and selecting just the right Bocephus T-shirt to attend the dirt track races. Southern men can spiffy themselves up in no time flat, so they spend the majority of their lives asking their female companions, “Are ya ready yet?” My staple answer is, “I just need ten more minutes.” This is always a boldfaced lie.
Mama always encouraged me to look my best in public because “you never know who you might see!” Her advice has served me well. I have met handsome men at the airport, the doctor’s office, the DMV, the grocery store, the gym, the car wash, at stop lights, even in port-a-potty lines. When I was living in NYC, I came home one night exhausted from a six-hour dance audition and my friend called begging me to travel to the opposite end of Manhattan because we’d not seen each other in a while. I protested. She insisted, and being a Yankee she said, “You don’t have to get all dressed up, just come hang out.” Even though I was worn slap out, I washed and dried my hair, put on evening makeup, thoughtfully selected an outfit in a shade of blue that complemented my hair, accessorized my outfit, and trekked to a place I had no interest in going called The Bubble Lounge. That’s where I met my husband.
4. Thou Shalt Not Chase Men.
“I would love to take you to dinner. Can I give you my phone number?” That’s what my husband said to me when I met him. Moron. I replied, “Sweetie, I’m from the South. I don’t call boys. Boys call me.” Words that Yankee had never heard uttered. He was instantly intrigued. We’ve been together twenty-one years.
My Mama would snatch me bald-headed if she caught me calling a boy.
In the South it is considered unladylike to call a male you are romantically interested in. I’m not talking about returning a call; I’m talking about initiating a call. This counts for texts as well and requires tremendous willpower. As a teen, my Mama would snatch me bald-headed if she caught me calling a boy. Young Southern gals today may think this is old-fashioned but that’s because they don’t understand the brilliance of this Southern philosophy. I will spell it out for you youngins: Men do not like to be chased. They are natural hunters. And they crave a challenge. Why are rare antiques, Monet paintings, and European truffles so expensive and coveted? Because they are not readily available! The less available something is the more valuable it becomes. Smart Southern women know their true value and they don’t give discounts.
5. Thou Shalt Flirt with Everybody.
Southerners are flirts. We don’t discriminate; we flirt with everybody. I’m not talking about seductive flirting; I’m talking about social flirting. We lavishly address everyone as Sweetie, Darlin’, Honey, Honeypie, Honeybunch, Shug’, Sugar, Sugarfoot, Sugarmuffin’ . . . our tongues are so saccharine it’s a miracle our teeth don’t rot out by puberty. But this is simply how we endear ourselves to folks, and our DNA stipulates that we chat endlessly and pepper our conversations with compliments. So, if you’re the jealous type, dating a Southerner can be challenging.
We don’t discriminate; we flirt with everybody.
When it comes to seductive flirting Southerners have superhero powers. Our magnolia accents melt hearts, and while this does give us an unfair advantage, our greatest weapon is our warmth. I’ve noticed in NYC and LA
that people go out and stand around posing and peacocking and ultimately come off as aloof and cold. If you’re single, try a Southern approach instead. Make eye contact with the person you are interested in for at least three full seconds, flash a pleasant, welcoming smile, then bat your eyelashes and look away. You have now instilled confidence in your object of desire—they feel “seen,” have experienced your warmth, and are less intimidated to approach you. If this person does not engage in conversation with you, then they’re not interested, so get over it. There are plenty of other cookies in the cookie jar. Sample many flavors, even ones you don’t initially think you’d like.
6. Thou Shalt Not Be a Hoochie Mama.
Southern women are shameless flirts, but the one thing they avoid like the plague is being called a “hoochie mama.” Hoochie mama behavior includes dressing scantily, aggressively flirting with taken men, and being sexually promiscuous. Southern men don’t take hoochie mamas home to meet their parents. In the South, shacking up with a man you are not married to, or at least engaged to, is still frowned upon. That’s because Southern gals are taught from an early age that a man “never buys a cow if the milk is for free.” Of course, oftentimes after the man buys the cow the milk dries up, but that is neither here nor there.
My friend Sheila’s Southern Mama preached a great mantra: “The best way to not get pregnant is to hold an aspirin between your knees.” Words to live by, ladies. Southern belles are taught to value their virginity and to present themselves to the world with dignity and class. It ain’t rocket science, y’all. If you want to be considered a potential wife, then don’t act like a whore.
7. Thou Shalt Master Adventure Dating.
If your idea of a date is simply drinks, dinner, or a movie, then you’re not cut out to date a Southern man. A Southern man might take you hunting, fishing, four-wheeling, whitewater rafting, kayaking, horseback riding, mountain biking, skiing, hiking, or to the shooting range, the driving range, the races, or the rodeo. Southern gals, although feminine, are sporty and outdoorsy, so these kinds of dates come second nature to us.
When I was in college, I was dating a boy from Kentucky, but he had a sneaking suspicion that I was sweet on a boy at College of Charleston. He was correct. Mr. Kentucky decided he needed to take drastic measures to woo me and save our relationship. So he took me on a two-day canoe trip down the Kentucky River. I was required to paddle miles and miles and miles down the river as the sun blistered my lily-white skin. Then we rushed to set up camp before dark, as there were many more miles to canoe the next day. Just as we got our tent up, a rainstorm complete with ear-splitting thunder and dangerous lightning rolled in and proceeded to punish us for ten straight hours. It had not occurred to Mr. Kentucky to check the weather. Oh, and our tent was not waterproof. As I laid in that tent of muddy water, contemplating my obituary, certain I would be struck by lightning, Mr. Kentucky tenderly turned to me and said, “Isn’t this romantic?”
8. Thou Shalt Accept that You Will Always Run into Your Exes.
Even cosmopolitan Southern cities like Charleston, Savannah, and Nashville have a small-town vibe, so one of the consequences of dating in the South is that you are bound to run into your exes. Please refer to commandant number three: Thou shalt not leave home if it took you less than five minutes to get ready. There really is a method to our Southern madness.
Running into your exes can either be painfully humiliating or extremely satisfying.
I speak from experience when I say running into your exes can either be painfully humiliating or extremely satisfying. No matter the case, politeness is in order. “Hey, how are you? It’s so nice to see you. How’s your Mama and ’nem? Please tell them I say hey.” We never let our exes see us sweat. And if they are with their new spouse or kids, we make a fuss over them too. “So, you got married, huh? How wonderful for you both! Are these your kids? They are precious! They look like you just spit ’em out of your mouth.” Then we politely excuse ourselves and walk away gloating, “Bet he wishes he had never let me get away,” or jealously muttering, “His wife is ugly enough to haunt a motel chain.”
9. Thou Shalt Have a Southern-Fried Wedding.
Why do when you can overdo ? No matter if it’s at a country church or country club, this is the credo of Southern weddings, which are filled with coveted traditions. First of all, we never plan a wedding during college football season. Never! And the bride wears white even if it’s her thirty-third marriage. Southern brides painstakingly contemplate their “colors.” Choosing the wrong colors can throw the whole wedding off, as this affects the flowers, invitations, decorations, and bridal party attire. Speaking of, Southern bridal parties are big enough to staff a Walmart. And monogrammed gifts for each and every one of them are customary. Groomsmen often wear light-colored or seersucker suits, and bridesmaids wear the exact same dress and shoes. I tweaked this custom at my wedding and gave each bridesmaid fabric to make a dress in whatever style she preferred. Some thought I had lost my mind, but it turned out to be a big hit.
Southern brides and grooms diligently register for a china, crystal, and silver pattern, and the groom must be present for this decision even though his opinion will be ignored, because the bride has been mulling this over since the first grade. All the bows must be saved from the wedding shower gifts because a bridesmaid must craft a “bow bouquet” for the bride to carry during the wedding rehearsal. Southern women wield a fierce glue gun.
The bride must get a professional portrait done in full wedding regalia so it can be prominently displayed at the wedding reception despite the fact that she will be there live in person wearing the same attire. If the wedding is outdoors, a bottle of bourbon will be buried on the property to ensure good weather, and after the ceremony it will promptly be dug up and consumed, along with a multitude of other cocktails. Unless it’s a Baptist church reception, and in that case you will consume enough punch and sweet tea to go into diabetic shock.
There will be a groom’s cake, which is a gift from the bride to the groom, and it will be a visually hideous confection paying homage to the groom’s hobbies: football, NASCAR, football. The wedding cake itself, often red velvet, will be tall enough to rival the Empire State Building and will be highly scrutinized by the guests—getting this wrong is not an option. I tasted no less than twenty cake and icing flavors from multiple bakers before choosing my cake. I gave the baker and florist a photo I’d cut out of a bridal magazine years before I was engaged so they’d know exactly what I wanted: fluffy green hydrangeas placed between each towering layer. During my first dance with my husband, I saw the cake across the room and IT WAS NOT MY CAKE! There was a delivery mix-up so I had another bride’s cake. That thing was ugly enough to blister a mule’s ass at forty paces. I ’bout died. In any case, I did freeze and save the hideous top layer until my first anniversary ’cause Mama insisted it would be bad luck if I didn’t.
That thing was ugly enough to blister a mule's ass at forty paces.
You’ll often see cowboy boots worn with formal attire at Southern weddings, but at my wedding there was another shoe of choice: clogging shoes. We tore up that dance floor with a full-scale hoedown because Southern folks love to cut a rug. And while I was not whisked away in a horse-drawn carriage, this is a popular choice of Southern brides.
If you aren’t invited to a prominent wedding in the South, no need to worry, because a half page of the local newspaper will be dedicated to the wedding announcement. It will include every single detail about the wedding including the brand name of the mother-of-the-bride’s pantyhose. The best wedding announcement I ever saw ended with “The bride and groom left the reception on a four-wheeler with their new bass boat in tow.” A huge picture was included. Only in the South.
10. Thou Shalt Accept that You Will Always Play Second Fiddle to Your Southern Spouse’s Parents.
Family comes first in the South. Period. So if you marry a Southerner there are some things you must simply accept. No matter how hard you try
, you will never cook as well as your husband’s Mama. You can use the same ingredients and method, but your husband will still swear that his Mama’s broccoli and cheese casserole is better than yours. His Mama will take pity on you and try to help you, but she too will agree that you simply lack the magical broccoli and cheese casserole touch. Bless your heart. Don’t worry, even Paula Dean couldn’t make it better than your husband’s Mama. That’s because when your husband eats his Mama’s food he tastes nostalgia, and that’s impossible to replicate.
Vice versa, men must accept that they will never hold a candle to their wife’s Daddy. Southern gals put their daddies on pedestals and think they are authorities on most every subject. You can’t buy a weed wacker, much less a house, without your wife first getting her Daddy’s approval. You can spend weeks building a spectacular backyard deck, and when you’re finally done and proudly reveal it to your wife, she will inevitably say, “Daddy says pressure treated lumber is bad to crack. You shoulda used redwood.”
You're sexier than
socks on a rooster.
He’s as handsome
as a Georgia lawyer.
She’s finer
than a frog hair
split six ways.
He’s so hot,
I’d bite him on the ass and
pray for lockjaw.
You're hot as
a pistol!
I bet he's got sugar
