by J. M. Witt
“I hadn’t thought about it that way.” He took a big breath and admitted, “I don’t know what to tell you, Cass. I want to believe that everything will come out in the wash, if he remembers.”
I know that I paled as I said more to myself than to Cal, “I can’t live with that secret for the rest of my life.”
“It was a complicated and messed up situation. We can ALL testify to that. You slept with Paul, an old boyfriend when James abandoned you.” He scrunched his eyebrows together at the look of remorse on my face. “It was just Paul, right? Cassidy!”
“It’s complicated.”
“Jesus Christ. Who?” My eyes bulged as I knew he really didn’t want to know. “No, never mind. I don’t want to know. I might go to jail when I break his jaw.” He walked back to the chair and sat down.
Little did he know it wasn’t a man, but two women I slept with, while with Paul. I shook the memory away as someone knocked on the door. I opened it and saw Jane standing there.
“Am I interrupting?”
“No.”
“Good! Cal, go chat with James. Cassidy and I have some catching up to do.”
My brother smirked at her and stood from his chair. “Yes ma’am.” He closed the door behind him and left Jane and I to our girl talk. We sat on the bed facing each other. She could tell by the look on my face that I was barely holding on.
Putting a hand on my knee, she said softly, “I’m so sorry, Cassidy. Is there anything I can do?”
I shook my head as I sniffed, “No. If I think of anything, I’ll let you know.”
“He feels terrible. His top concern is you.” That surprised me as she smiled, “I think that’s a good sign. Somewhere deep down, he remembers how important you are to him.”
Sighing, “I know I’m over complicating things, but I don’t know how to be around him.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, he’s your cousin. I’m not sure you want to hear about it.”
Rolling her eyes she insisted, “Just spill it. What is it that has you worried?”
“Do I sleep with him? I mean, I want to, but we haven’t even kissed. And I don’t just mean sex. Do we sleep in the same bed? I’m a stranger to him, but he’s also a guy.”
Like she read my mind, “And if you’re sleeping in the same bed together, he’ll want more.”
“Exactly. It’s not that I don’t want that, but, ugh.”
“I think I get it. You should just be candid with him. He appreciates that. Set up some guidelines.”
“Cal suggested that too, boundaries.”
“I knew there was a good reason I married him.” She winked as we both laughed. “Try to focus on other things. You like to read right?” I nodded. “When you’re not at work, spend some time reading. You should check out the Cursed Series by T.H. Snyder. If you think you have issues, her characters will make your problems seem like nothing. And they make for some hot book boyfriends! I just finished the first one and I’m getting ready to start the second one.”
Laughing, “Well, I love a good book boyfriend. I’ll check it out.”
Chapter 19 ~ Alone
~ CASSIDY ~
Later that night, after Smith dropped off his truck, James was deciding what he wanted for dinner. I had insisted he pick since he’d been the one stuck in the hospital. He’d chosen the Thai place and I offered to go pick it up since I needed to grab a couple things from the grocery store anyways.
When I walked back in the door, there was music playing and he was sitting down scrolling through an iPod. Was that mine? When he spotted me, he took the groceries out of my hands as I ran back to the car for our food. As I walked by the table, I noticed it was indeed my missing iPod. I’d lost it around the time I miscarried. Had he found it or had he had it all along. He noticed me looking at it and asked if he should change the song.
“No. I’m just, well. That’s mine. Where’d you find it?” I smiled, “It’s been missing, for months, that’s why I ask.”
“Oh. Well, it was in a bag on the front seat of the truck. I assumed it was mine, but maybe it’s yours. But I don’t recognize a lot of the songs.”
“It’s ok. I’m glad you found it. I’m beginning to think you’ve had it all along.”
“Maybe so. So, you called me JB3?”
Smirking, “On occasion.”
“Hmm. I’m not sure I like that.”
“I know. You got over it.” My cell phone rang and when I looked at the caller ID, I recognized Dr. Pratt’s number. “Shit.” Answering the call, “Hello. Yes, sorry.” James watched me and his eyes narrowed when I said, “Hello, Dr. Pratt. Yes, he’s home now. I’m sorry, I should’ve called to reschedule. Um, now? Hang on.” I put my hand over the phone and asked James, “Dr. Pratt would like to stop by. Is that ok?”
“Dr. Pratt? Um, sure. Am I seeing him again?”
I had yet to fill him in on that detail. “Yes, we both were.”
“What?”
I put my finger up, making him wait, and put the phone back up to my ear. “Yes, we’re eating dinner. We’ll be here. Ok. See you soon.” I put the phone on the counter and sat down at the table where our carryout awaited us.
“What’s going on, Cassidy? Why are we seeing Dr. Pratt?”
“We were working through some things, together and separately. He was helping us. We had a scheduled appointment for tonight, but with everything that’s happened, I forgot to cancel it.”
“So, why is he coming here? Can’t it wait?”
Shrugging my shoulders I concluded, “I assume he’s worried about you, maybe both of us. If you’re not comfortable with it I can call him back.”
“No. It’s fine. I just wasn’t expecting it.”
He started eating and didn’t speak again until Dr. Pratt showed up. I ate as well and hoped that having Dr. Pratt over wouldn’t be a mistake. When he got there, we’d just finished eating.
I opened the door and he said, “You’ve got a stray cat under your porch.”
“What!” I ran past him and started looking at the porch, trying to get a glimpse under it. A moment later a black cat darted out, hissing at me, and ran away.
“Are you missing a cat?”
I looked to Dr. Pratt and responded, “My cat, Chessa. She ran away on Saturday.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” I just nodded.
We walked in and I sat down on the couch. James was putting dinner away and had missed the exchange about Chessa. He came over and sat at the other end of the couch as Dr. Pratt sat in a chair across from us.
“So, fill me in. How bad is the memory loss?”
Dr. Pratt looked to James, who took a breath and filled him in. Occasionally Dr. Pratt’s eyes would travel to mine and I’d smile or nod in accordance with what James revealed to him.
“Cassidy, how are you handling this?”
Shrugging my shoulders, “As best I can. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to act.”
“What do you mean?” James question caught me off guard because I expected Dr. Pratt to ask it, not James. Looking to him I voiced my concerns. The same ones I’d discussed with Jane, Cal and Smith. James didn’t seem upset or offended and said that my concerns were valid.
“Ok. Cassidy I have some questions for you and I want you to be honest.” I agreed. “When was the last time you two had intercourse.” I looked at him and he just shook his head saying, “Just the truth.”
Like he knew we broke the rules, I told the truth, “Friday morning, before the wedding at the hotel.” I couldn’t bear to look at James and then Dr. Pratt asked when the last time was that James told me he loved me. “I, um…”
“Doc, this is awfully personal.” I glanced at James, uncertain of what to say and how to answer.
“I know it is, but there’s no reason for either of you hide it. You two had been coming to me for almost a month. Sex was a vice for you both and I asked for you two to commit to twenty-eight days of celibacy and no ‘I love yous’
so that you could work on your communication.”
“Twenty-eight days! What the fuck!” His reaction was priceless. I started laughing as he glared at me. “What are you laughing at?”
Trying to contain myself I said, “Because that was MY reaction. You were more than willing to do the time. I was the one throwing a fit.”
His brows scrunched together as he simply said, “Oh.”
“Ok, so back to my question. Cassidy, when was the last time he told you he loved you.”
“At the wedding while we were dancing.”
“And what about you?”
“I, well, I didn’t say it back.” I looked to James who seemed a little surprised and I added, “I called him before the accident, but I don’t know if he heard. I told him then.”
“Wait, we weren’t together during the accident? What the fuck happened?” He was growing agitated and I didn’t know what to do.
“James, calm down. If you want Cassidy to explain everything you need to sit down, shut up and listen.” I liked Dr. Pratt more and more every time I saw him. “That is, if you’re committed to this marriage.”
His eyes darted to mine and then back to Dr. Pratt’s. “Well, yes. I don’t remember, but I know that I wouldn’t have married her if I didn’t love her. I’m committed.”
I explained in great detail what had happened with Dan, the bridge and the accident. I added in the nefarious things too, how I had been dating Dan when James and I met for the first time. James seemed to handle everything ok, but he was visibly upset and looked exhausted. I felt bad, but was glad that at least the Dan portion of our life was out in the open.
“And he’s dead?” I nodded. “Did he drown?”
“I got a hold of his gun and shot him in the car before we went under, but you and Paul pulled me out of the car. Paul got me to shore, but you stayed under. I don’t know what happened, if there was a struggle with you and Dan. I don’t know.”
“Paul? Vincent!”
“Yes. He’s back in town and working for you.” I left it at that. He’d heard enough for one night.
“Ok. Cassidy. I understand your concerns. Honestly. I don’t know how to suggest you two handle this. I think it’s pretty evident that you two had a break through and were effectively communicating, and clearly you love one another.” Looking at James, “I know you don’t remember, but I can tell you from the private sessions you and I had; you were willing to die for her and you almost did. I think you should take it slow, but don’t deny what’s there either. Tread lightly, be cautious and enjoy one another. After I leave, why don’t you two discuss it a little further? It doesn’t have to be tonight, you can discuss it tomorrow, but please talk candidly with one another.”
I was heading up the stairs as James closed the front door behind Dr. Pratt. I heard his footsteps follow me up the stairs and a thrill of nerves and excitement trailed up my spine. It wasn’t that late in the evening, but I needed to try to go back to work the next day and we needed our rest. I pulled some pajamas out, since sleeping nude probably wasn’t the best idea, and walked into the bathroom to change.
When I walked back out he wasn’t in the room. I found him in my spare bedroom, where his treadmill sat and my bike. He was sitting on the edge of my old twin bed and looked to be lost. I walked over to him and knelt down in front of him, unaware that the stance I was taking would be appealing to him.
Placing my hands on his knees and looking to his face, his eyes scanned over my own. “Are you ok?” He had circles under his eyes and he pulled back slightly before I trailed a finger over that scar of his. “Sorry.” I pulled my hand back to his knee and asked again, “Is there anything I can do? You’re exhausted. Go to bed.”
He placed his hands around my wrists in a vice-like grip as his eyes crawled over my body. Pulling us to our feet, we stood as he held my arms between us. “Do you mind if I take a shower? I can sleep in here.”
I shook my head and protested, “James, you can sleep in our bed. All of your things are in there.” I pointed to our bedroom as he released my hands and walked away from me. I found him searching the closet and he emerged with some clothes in hand. “James?”
He walked into the master bath and turned to me. “I, it’s just that I don’t share my bed. Hell, my bed has always just been a place for me to sleep. Alone.” I started to object but he cut me off, “I know we may have, but I need time. I’ll be just down the hall.”
I smiled, though it nearly killed me and told him I understood. “I get it. It’s fine.” Pointing to the bathroom, “All of your toiletries should be there.”
“Thank you.”
He closed the door and I may have jumped at the sound. I crawled into bed feeling defeated and like we were back to square one. A sudden change seemed to have swept over him and I didn’t understand. When I woke in the morning I was still alone. I wasn’t sure what I expected. I walked down the hall and found his door closed. My hand reached for the knob and then pulled back. He needed time.
~<>~<>~<>~
Several weeks later I was on my way home from work. I was looking forward to the weekend, but it had also become the hardest part of my week. James and I were still living like roommates and it was killing me. We talked about everything, when he was around, and wasn’t gone. We’d both thrown ourselves into work and it was our only solace. Paul had moved back to Atlanta a couple weeks earlier, once they were all convinced James could handle the workload.
James still hadn’t remembered anything and we were all losing hope that he’d ever remember. When he wasn’t working, he was working out and constantly walking around the house shirtless. I was beginning to wonder if he was trying to torture me or if he had no idea what he was doing to me. I wondered how he’d react if I started walking around without a shirt on. Hmm, maybe that was a good idea.
I’ll never forget the first time I saw it. He was running on the treadmill that first week he was home and I was on my way to work. I realized when I got down stairs that I’d left my phone on my night stand. I ran back up the stairs and he had his bare back to me as he wiped his face with a towel. He had earbuds in and didn’t hear my gasp.
Shoulder blade to shoulder blade and down the center of his back was a huge anchor tattoo. I tripped on the last step up and landed on my knee. It was a blessing because I was able to disguise my tears when he ran over to see if I was ok. I told him I was a klutz and that he should get used to it. The last thing he needed was more pressure from me to remember.
I stared at that tattoo whenever I could, but knew it was pointless to bring it up. I knew him—well the old him—well enough to know that it was my tattoo. Then it started eating at me. When had he gotten it? Scenario after scenario ran through my head. I had a pretty good idea about the timeframe and hated myself.
That fateful day I had used my safe word, changing the path we were on, he wanted to show me something. That tattoo had to be it. Had I just kept my mouth shut, he’d have shown me that tattoo and I probably would’ve forgiven him, let him back in. I had to try to let it go, but it was eating me alive. I’d never lose my faith in him again, no matter how long it took I was going to get him back. I just had to be patient.
Part of being patient apparently included masturbating to his image almost every night. It got me off, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted him and knew he wanted me, too. At least I hoped he did. I just couldn’t figure out what he was waiting for. I was becoming desperate, thinking about making the first move, but scared to death and worried he’d reject me.
~ JAMES ~
The weeks flew by and summer was going to end before I knew it. Delaney, Smith and Paul had done a great job of getting me up to speed on all the projects I had on my plate. The Benedict was a dream and I was still in awe of it. It had been a pipedream, last I remembered, and I’d made it happen. I’d come to terms with losing mom, but it would always hurt.
Cassidy had been wonderful, but it was like having a really hot roommate that I couldn’t t
ouch. Of course, I knew that was all in my head. She was my wife, of course I could touch her. That was the hardest part for me. I had rules when it came to intimacy, or at least I had at one point. Only at the club, or a hotel, my terms, no kissing, and those were just the beginning of my long list of regulations. What had happened or changed that I’d let her in? I couldn’t believe that we didn’t have sex at home, in our bed, but we also hadn’t discussed things like we had agreed to and Dr. Pratt had suggested. I didn’t want to believe that she was a cold fish, but she’d also made no attempt to become intimate either.
I spent many nights watching her as she slept and wondered if she ever did the same. I should have just kissed her and gotten it over with. I knew the attraction was there, but. Nothing. I was being an idiot. Enough was enough. I’d take the bike out for a ride like I planned and then I’d come home and make my move. I just hoped I wouldn’t disappoint her.
I was putting my helmet on when I heard the purring and looked down to see a cat weaving in and out of my legs. I tried shooing the thing away, but instead it walked up the steps and made itself at home. I fucking hated stray cats.
Then I heard a different purr, the one of her mustang as it pulled in the drive. She was home early. I watched her long legs slide out of the car and watched the skirt fall from mid-thigh back to her knees. Her hair was down and my fingers curled up with a need to touch the red strands.
“Hey. I was just heading out.” I watched as her eyes scanned my body and the bike. Had I missed the signs? She was looking at me like I was a piece of meat. “I’ll be back in a bit. Will you be here?” I saw her posture change slightly. Did she want to go for a ride?
“Ok. Be safe.” She turned and headed toward the front door.
“Cassidy!” She turned and I said, “Careful, you’ve got a stray cat on the porch. Have you been feeding it or something?”
