Lola spat a curse filled with mockery. “Sarah is lovely and pure and good.”
“I think not. Jesus said that no one is good but God. I, too, love Sarah, but I know she is a sinner—just as I am. Just as you are.”
“God and Jesus! God and Jesus! Is everything about them? What about me? What about Sarah? Do our feelings count for nothing?”
“I do not doubt your feelings, Lola. I know they are real; I even know that you are suffering in this moment, and I am so very sorry. But our feelings are not the arbiter of what is right or what is wrong in this life—nor can we trust our feelings not to lead us astray. Untaught and unrestrained by truth, our feelings are quite deceptive.”
“You are saying my feelings are lying to me?”
“I could not have put it better. You believe that a life spent with Sarah would be good—but this life is only temporary, a precursor to eternity. Would you trade the good of eternity for what is but a passing mist?
“More importantly, if you love Sarah, would you wish to condemn her to an eternity of torment? For that is the destination of all who deny the Lordship of Christ. Is it love to cause her to stumble and fall away from God’s grace, the grace that delivered her from her past?”
“I do not believe in such malarkey—neither a blissful heaven nor the fires of an eternal hell.”
“What we believe cannot alter truth, can it? If you believed you could live without water, and you refused to drink, would you not die? If you believed you could fly, and you jumped from a building, would you not perish? If you believed yourself to be a man, would that make you one? God himself has determined what is truth, what is right, what is wrong, what is real. He does not ask for our opinions, nor do they affect what he has already defined as truth.”
“I will talk to Sarah again. She will listen to reason—she will listen to me.”
“Lola, are you saying that you are determined to override Sarah’s choice? You decry the state of society and, in particular, you disparage men who take choice from their wives. Are you not purposing to do the same thing? Are you not guilty of that for which you condemn so many men?”
“Let me pass.”
“No.”
It was a simple, one-syllable reply, neither harsh nor cruel. Then Lola saw the figure of a muscled young man step from the great room into the foyer. He, too, stood with hands folded before him, kindly, but unyielding.
Lola stood still, weighing her options, knowing she had none for the present situation.
Her voice broke on a sob. “Very well. I shall go.”
That was when Rose opened her arms. “Come to me first, Lola, and let me comfort you.”
“What? No! You are my enemy!”
Rose shook her head, her arms still extended. “No, child. I am the mother you never had.”
Rose took two steps toward Lola and pulled her into her embrace. Lola collapsed within Rose’s arms and wept bitterly; Rose simply twined her arms more tightly about the younger woman, and Lola sobbed against her shoulder.
“Oh, Lola! I love you, my dear child, with the love of a mother. I love you with the love of a sister. And I love you with all the love and forgiveness God has poured upon me.”
Lola seemed to come to herself. She jerked and pulled away; she pushed Rose back from her and swiped at her wet eyes. “God? No. I hate God. I hate him!”
Rose’s hands dropped to her sides. “Your hate does not change his great love for you. The Lord made you, Lola, and because he made you, he knows you better than you know yourself. I promise you, he will continue to seek after you.”
Lola stumbled toward the front door.
Rose called after her, “I shall pray for you, Lola.”
Lola stopped. Turned around. Her words were icy. “Please do not.”
“Nevertheless, I shall pray for you, Lola. I shall pray that you find the peace that passes all understanding that can only be found in Jesus.”
Lola slammed the door behind her.
Chapter 21
Sarah slogged through the ensuing days, determined to work hard and perform her duties well. She unburdened herself to Corrine, who simply listened and nodded.
“You shall always be my closest friend, Sarah. We shall get through this . . . together. The Lord will help you to heal.”
Pastor Carmichael, too, was a listening friend Sarah had not expected. He had suggested that Sarah meet with him weekly for prayer and counseling. “Breona and I would like to support you, Miss Ellinger, as you find your footing in the Lord again.”
Sarah had to confess to the Lord, to herself, and to Isaac Carmichael himself, that Carmichael was not the domineering ogre she had painted him—and all men—to be. Once she had forgiven Carmichael and repented of the judgments she held toward men, she was able to see his humility and the authentic care and concern that he had for her.
I have been so very blind! My judgments against men were like the scales upon the Apostle Paul’s eyes—making me utterly insensate to reality. I was deluded for so long that I scarcely recognize the world around me.
Sarah left work two hours early on Friday to keep her appointment; Corrine stayed late to take the shop’s last hours. Sarah rode a streetcar to within a few blocks of the Carmichael’s home, a modest little rental. Sarah looked forward to her visit with Isaac Carmichael with equal parts trepidation and earnest inquiry: She had questions and hoped he could advise her.
She walked from the trolley stop to the parsonage. Breona let her in, hugged her, and showed her to their living room. Sarah heard the sounds of children playing not far away.
“I be makin’ a pot o’ tea for ye an’ keepin’ our Sean an’ wee Rowen busy in th’ kitchen whilst ye talk,” Breona murmured as she left Sarah.
“Will you make yourself at home, Miss Ellinger?” Isaac Carmichael asked.
“Thank you, Pastor.” Sarah took the chair he indicated across the low table between them.
“Have you had a good week?”
“Yes, I would say so. I continue to declare forgiveness over men as the Holy Spirit brings various offenses to my mind.” Sarah placed her hand upon the journal in her lap. “I have listed them, beginning again with my mother’s husband, Richard Langston, since that was the birthplace of my fear and hatred. I asked the Lord to help me recall each painful occasion of his abuse. Some of the instances are veiled in the mist of childhood, but whenever a memory emerges from that fog, I pray over it and make the deliberate choice to forgive the perpetrator.
“I speak my forgiveness aloud—and you were quite right. It is difficult to release the pain and anger, but when I choose to do so regardless of how I feel, I find that my feelings begin to give way to my will.
“Then, as you recommended, I pray daily for my stepfather. I do not know if he is alive or dead. Nevertheless, I try to see him as the Lord sees him: destined for eternal destruction if he does not repent and turn to Jesus. I know it grieves the Lord when anyone rejects him. For that reason, I pray for Mr. Langston’s salvation. I ask the Lord to be merciful to him, to soften his heart and cause him to seek God.”
“How difficult is it for you to pray for his salvation?”
“More than I can say! I could not do it at first, for my flesh craves to see him suffer and insists he does not deserve God’s mercy.”
“How do you get past this sticking point?”
Sarah tucked her chin to her chest. “I-I think on how close I came to rejecting the Lord, how near I was to choosing Lola over him. If Miss Rose had not acted, if she had not called on you to help her confront me?”
A sob caught in Sarah’s throat. “Such a near thing! When I think of how I could be lost right now but for the Lord’s compassion and the love of faithful friends, I am able to see Mr. Langston as the Lord sees him—rather than through the lens of my hatred.”
Sarah sighed. “Each day, I make a little headway, but I declare it is slow progress.”
“I daresay you must go over the same ground more than once?”
Sarah gave a wry chuckle. “How did you know?”
“You have a long-standing habit of hate, Miss Ellinger. Moreover, you are practiced at hiding that hate from yourself. That twofold stronghold of hate and of self-deception must be dismantled—brick by brick—until not one brick remains upon another and until every brick has been crushed to dust.”
“Oh, my. That is a powerful and apt analogy.” She nodded to herself. “Dismantled, brick by brick. Every brick crushed to dust.”
Just then, Breona brought the tea tray. When she had placed the tray between them, she excused herself.
“Shall I serve?” Sarah asked.
“If you please.”
When she had handed him his cup and poured one for herself, she grew still.
“What is troubling you, Miss Ellinger?”
“I must tell you something,” Sarah whispered.
“I am listening. We are safe here in the presence of the Lord—you can speak of anything to me and before him.”
“Thank you; you give me courage to bare my soul. It is just . . . that Lola continues to call the shop.”
His response was grave. “I see.”
“No—you misunderstand. When she calls, I do not speak to her. I did, once, answer the telephone when I did not know it was her calling. However, now, because she calls more than once a day, Corrine takes all calls. She is kind but adamant when she tells Lola that I shall not speak to her.”
Isaac nodded, his eyes sad. “That is wise. Are you praying for Lola?”
“I am, Pastor, but it is painful work. The thing is . . . I know she is suffering terribly, and it grieves me so much. When she called and I, unknowingly, answered, she begged me to see her, begged me to-to-to take her back. When I refused and asked her not to call anymore, she wept and pleaded with me.”
“But you were resolute?”
“Yes.” Sarah’s voice caught. “But she is suffering so—and it breaks my heart. I understand what she is suffering, for I am suffering in the same manner. I-I do not know how to stop this aching in my heart, this longing for her. And this longing leaves me confused.”
“Confused about?”
“I suppose I am confused about my feelings. Why do I long for her? When I was with her, I was not satisfied, yet apart from her, I ache and grieve.”
Carmichael put his cup on the table in front of him and took up his Bible. “Since I became aware of your struggle, Miss Ellinger, I have felt led to study more on this topic, searching the Scriptures to better understand. I wish to share something with you. Although it may distress you initially, I also hope the Lord will grant you insight into the pain you describe—and help you to heal.”
Sarah, too, set down her cup. She folded her hands in her lap. “Very well, Pastor. I am listening.”
“I am reading from Romans 1, verse 26.
“For this cause God gave them up
unto vile affections:
for even their women did change
the natural use into that
which is against nature.”
Sarah cringed. “I have committed this passage to memory.”
“As I said, I did not read it to distress you further. Rather, as I studied out this verse in the original text, I believe that I came upon an answer to your question.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. The word for ‘affections’ in this verse is, in the original Greek, the word, pathos. It indicates deep feeling, a passion, from which the mind suffers. Perhaps a ‘suffering passion’ best describes it. Of course, it is the same word from which the English language derives our word, pathos. In our current language, pathos means to evoke pity or compassion.”
“Pathos. That describes what I feel for Lola. I am sorry to have hurt her; I truly understand what she is suffering, and I have compassion for her, for I am suffering the same.”
Carmichael slowly nodded. “I believe it would be helpful, too, for us to look at the Greek word from which pathos descends, for it means to experience a painful sensation, to suffer and to be vexed by passion. Unfortunately, such a passion can have no godly conclusion, satisfaction, or fulfillment—which only increases the insatiable longing, a longing that has no hope, a suffering with no healing salve.”
Sarah stared ahead, turning his words over in her mind. “Insatiable longing. Suffering. That was my own word, was it not? I said Lola was suffering . . . as am I.”
“I recognized the emotion as you described it.”
Sarah exhaled. “I am glad, at the least, to put a name to this sadness, Pastor.” She swallowed. “And you say there is no remedy for this suffering?”
“I believe that daily surrender to the Lordship of Christ makes all suffering bearable. I am not saying change will be easy or quick. However, in time, when the work of demolishing the underlying spiritual strongholds in your heart is complete—if you earnestly and persistently disallow any taint of the former judgments to regain even a fingerhold in your heart—then, I believe that what was once an ‘inordinate’ or ‘vile’ affection can be replaced and overcome by a godly one.”
“Replaced and overcome by a godly affection? You believe I could ever care for a man as I do for Lola? I confess, my heart resists such an idea.” Sarah shuddered. “I cannot abide the idea of a man’s intimate touch.”
“I should have been clearer, Miss Ellinger: I believe you shall find relief from the painful affections you feel at present. If you allow the work of God to continue in your heart, he will give you rest from this pain. After all, your objective is not to find a husband; your objective is to follow hard after the Lord. Let the Holy Spirit lead you to utterly destroy the strongholds and bring you into perfect peace and liberty in Christ.”
Sarah laughed a little. “I am glad my goal is not to get a husband, for I have vowed not to marry.”
Carmichael said nothing for a moment. Then, with a gentle smile, he said, “Perhaps that is a vow you need to break, Miss Ellinger.”
She frowned. “What do you mean?”
“If your goal is to follow hard after the Lord, should you have anything in your heart you have vowed you will not do? I am not referring to sin, of course.”
Sarah blew out a breath. “But the Lord would not force me to marry, would he?”
“No, he would not—and yet does not a vow such as yours say to the Lord, ‘You are unable to heal my heart, unable to work a miracle’? Does it not also say, ‘Lord, even if you did change my heart, I would not accept your gift of a husband’s love’? Is not this vow simply another piece of your heart you have not surrendered to the Father?”
Chagrin swept across Sarah’s face. “Oh, bother,” she said under her breath.
Carmichael laughed aloud.
Sarah smiled at his laughter, and she realized how comfortable she was with her pastor, what a blessing he was to their church. To her.
“Bother? Indeed!” he chuckled. “I quite agree.”
Carmichael then added, “I hope you will pray on it. I am certain the Holy Spirit will lead you aright.”
He paged through his Bible. “We are all tempted, Miss Ellinger, and each of us has particular sins we struggle with to the point of suffering—and bother. I find great comfort in knowing that Jesus himself suffered when he was tempted—and that he understands and is able to strengthen us when we, too, are tempted. Hebrews 2:18 tells us:
“For in that he himself
hath suffered being tempted,
he is able to succour
them that are tempted.
“With his help, I am confident that you will prevail.”
Sarah replenished their cups and they sipped their tea for a period of quiet camaraderie until they had finished.
Sarah stood. “Thank you, Pastor. I shall pray over your counsel and insights.”
“Shall we meet again next Friday, Miss Ellinger?”
“Yes, thank you, Pastor.”
LATER THAT EVENING, Sarah approached Rose. “Miss Rose? May I have a moment?”
They again used the parlor to speak privately.
“Yes, Sarah?”
“As you may recall, I had an appointment with Pastor Carmichael today. Our time together was valuable. He helped me to understand the sorrow and pain I have been feeling—and I came away with hope that I might, someday, be free of it.
“Miss Rose, you know that I have recommitted my life to Jesus, and you see that I have begun the arduous work of forgiving every man who has ever harmed me. You have seen how this work has begun to bear fruit: The Lord has enabled me to sever my relationship with Lola and, more importantly, is helping me to sever my emotional ties to her.
“However, I admit that the passage of time is essential to demonstrating the depth and completeness of my restoration. I hope, though, as the Lord leads, to make good on my promise to come alongside you to help in the leadership of Palmer House—at least, until you retire.”
Sarah shook her head. She knew Rose could not continue to manage the house many years more, particularly if O’Dell accepted the offer of promotion to the Chicago Pinkerton office. Still, the thought of Palmer House without her was bleak indeed.
She looked up into Rose’s face. “I just wanted to let you know that my intention is still to help you. Someday. Again, I know it will take time before your confidence in me is repaired.”
Rose smiled. “My confidence is not in you, but in the redeeming power of Jesus, Sarah, my daughter. And may I also say? No faith is made stronger or purer without the Lord’s refining fire. Isaiah 48:10 and 11 tell us:
“Behold, I have refined thee,
but not with silver;
I have chosen thee
in the furnace of affliction.
For mine own sake,
even for mine own sake,
will I do it . . .
I will not give my glory unto another.
“It is within the furnace of affliction that the Lord chooses us—not for our own sake, but for his sake, so that, ultimately, our lives give glory to the Lord and him alone. I shall look forward to having you join me, Sarah, when the time is right. Shall we wait together upon the Lord to lead and guide us?”
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