by Heidi Perks
‘What do you mean?’
‘Peter Webb, Director of Services,’ he read out, ‘takes over Bretton Inc. It looks like your dad not only worked for your grandfather, he took over when the old man retired.’
‘What? But it might not be the same one. I guess it might not be my dad …’
Hannah couldn’t believe they had found him. It was too easy, too unreal.
‘It has to be. It’s too much of a coincidence. I think I might have to become a private investigator,’ Dom said. ‘I’ve only gone and got you a photo of your dad.’
*****
Hannah stared at the screen, at the stranger in the photograph smiling back at her. Dark, curly hair, round glasses that made his eyes look small, clean-shaven, wearing a smart navy suit and a red tie. He was shaking hands with a man who stood at least a head taller than him. The photo was taken in 2000, the year after he left. She willed herself to remember him or at least to recognise some small feature, but nothing came.
She shook her head. ‘I don’t feel anything. I thought I would, but I don’t.’
She continued to look at the man who had to be her father, taking in every inch of his face again. ‘I don’t think it can be him, because I would feel something, surely? Nothing about him looks remotely familiar.’ She looked away. ‘It’s not him.’
‘Hannah, it has to be. You’re not going to recognise him, you haven’t seen him since you were two.’
‘But I thought I would feel it,’ she said again, clenching her jaw to repress the lump in her throat. She didn’t want to cry about a man she didn’t even think was her dad, but she suddenly felt so sad. This wasn’t what she had expected at all. Looking at the man in the picture made her feel … nothing. ‘I thought I’d look at him and know in my heart, but this is just a stranger, and he looks nothing like I imagined he would.’
She pushed the iPad back to Dom and held her face in her hands. ‘God, it all does my head in.’
Hannah stood up. She couldn’t look at his face anymore. Her head was telling her it had to be her father but something in her heart was rejecting the fact, and she knew that didn’t make any sense. ‘I’m going in the sea,’ she announced. She needed the icy-cold water to take it away. Dipping her head under would erase these unsettled thoughts if only for a moment and then she’d be able to think again more clearly.
‘I’ll come with you,’ Dom said, draping his towel across their things. Together they walked towards the sea, stopping at the edge. Hannah dipped her toe in but pulled it back as soon as the water bit. However much she was used to the feel of the sea, its first touch of the day always made her shiver.
They stood for a while, looking out to the water. It was as if Dom understood her need for silence, waiting with her without saying a word, then eventually he reached out for her, taking hold of her hand and squeezing it.
‘My grandma called me Abigail the other day,’ she said eventually.
‘Who’s Abigail?’
‘I don’t know. And normally I wouldn’t think anything of it,’ she said. ‘It’s not as if much that she says makes sense at the moment.’
‘So what’s bothering you?’
‘There was something about the way she said it, like she knew what she meant. And the way my mum reacted,’ she replied, ‘you could tell she wished Grandma hadn’t said the name.’
‘You know what?’ Dom said after a while, ‘I believe everyone comes to the Bay to escape something, or someone.’
Hannah felt the grip on his hand tighten and she looked up at him.
‘So what did you escape?’ she asked.
‘Not me, but my family – my oldest brother,’ he explained. ‘Nathan, he died when he was seventeen. He would have been thirty last week.’
‘Your brother?’ she gasped. ‘I never knew you had another one.’
‘I was only five when he died, but I can still remember him. He had left home but came back nearly every day for his tea, and every Sunday he brought a bag of washing for Mum to do. “Nathan,” she would say, “When are you going to learn to start cooking and cleaning for yourself?” But she always said it with a smile on her face. She never minded.’
‘So how did he die?’ Hannah asked, watching Dom’s face tighten. It obviously pained him to talk about a brother she had no idea existed.
‘He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Some guy started a fight in a club and one of his mates got caught up in it. They dragged him outside and started beating him up and Nate stepped in. By that point there were about ten guys involved. According to witnesses you couldn’t tell who was on whose side by the end of it. I think some of them just joined in for the fun of it.’
‘Your poor family.’
‘Mum swears Nate wasn’t like that, wasn’t a fighter. Course you never really know, do you?’ he said. ‘One of them pulled out a knife and Nate just happened to be at the other end of it. Five seconds later the cops turned up but by then it was too late for him. His mate ended up badly bruised, but Nate was dead. Mum couldn’t get her head round that.’
‘I’m not surprised.’
‘She blames herself. No one can tell her there was nothing she could have done to protect him, but I guess that’s what mums do.’
‘I guess.’ She couldn’t imagine how her mum would cope if she lost one of her daughters. These days her mum couldn’t cope if she clicked on the wrong wash cycle. It put into perspective how little Kathryn had been through compared to Mrs Wilson, yet to look at them, you wouldn’t believe it was that way round.
‘You know, I still hear her talking to him sometimes, when she thinks no one’s about. She tells him what’s she done that day, even if it’s boring stuff like going to the supermarket.’ Dom glanced at Hannah. ‘My dad’s not around that much, he works a lot, and she never says any of it to me. It makes me wonder if she thinks Nate’s the only one who’ll listen to her.’
‘Your mum must be so strong to keep looking after you all like she does.’
He shrugged. ‘Anyhow, my point was, the Bay is an escape. If you weren’t born here, and you don’t fish, then I reckon you need a pretty good reason for finding your way here.’
‘I never thought we had one. I always thought Mum just liked the sound of it.’
But now Hannah wasn’t so sure. Maybe they had escaped here. Certainly there were things her mum wanted to hide from them. She had always thought it was just her dad, but now she began to wonder if it was more than that.
‘Look around you,’ Dom continued, gesturing towards the near-empty beach behind them. ‘It’s so bloody isolated. Every kid here’s desperate to get out at some point. I bet most people in the country don’t even know it exists. I’m telling you, you come here because you don’t want to be found.’
Hannah looked around the bay. Dom was right, and it was nothing she hadn’t already felt herself, but it was still a sad thought. Mull Bay was beautiful, yet it was holding her in its clutches, and more than ever she felt the need to break free.
‘I do want to look through the rest of those articles,’ she said. ‘I have to find him and I need to know what happened. I just don’t feel up to it right now.’
‘OK, we will,’ he said. ‘Sleep on it tonight, and we can crack on with our search tomorrow, if you want.’
Winking at Hannah he added, ‘We’ll do it together.’
– Twenty –
Peter had never wanted children. Having a family meant putting another person’s needs before your own and that didn’t fit his make up. All he cared about was how many people he had working for him, how big his next bonus was, and who he needed to impress to further his career. Consequently, Kathryn hadn’t planned to get pregnant; she hadn’t intended to bring an unwelcome child into the world. But she had made a mistake, forgotten to take the pill and had unwanted sex with her husband just to placate him one night.
When the test read positive her heart lurched. After she told Peter his face set like stone: he gave her no reaction, no emot
ion, simply strolled out of the house, briefcase neatly tucked under one arm, mobile phone clutched tightly in his hand. Back then she had hoped that he might change and learn to want and love what was growing inside her. Now all she hoped for was that he hadn’t, and he still wanted nothing more to do with the girls.
Eleanor introduced Peter to Kathryn a month after he started working for Charles. ‘I have someone wonderful I would like you to meet,’ she had said. Kathryn should have followed her instincts. She wasn’t ready to meet anyone so soon after Robert. No one could fill the hole he had left in her heart.
‘I don’t know, Mother. It’s so soon.’
‘Nonsense! You can’t continue to revel in your own misery, Kathryn. It’s unhealthy.’
‘Fine,’ she sighed.
She didn’t have the fight in her anyway. Robert’s death had left her empty. Most days she wished she didn’t need to get out of bed and she was sure she wouldn’t have if it hadn’t been for her mother sniping at her to get on with life.
‘Think how it affects me seeing you like this,’ Eleanor told Kathryn. ‘Do you really think I can bear to see my daughter waste her life?’
The sentiment had surprised her until she added, ‘Anyway, you can’t go on being a single mother for much longer. It doesn’t look good.’
The first time Kathryn met Peter he took her to a fancy restaurant that had recently opened. She endured an evening of his bragging, how he had managed to secure the best table for them, and how he would of course order the wine because he knew a lot about that kind of thing.
‘I’m doing exceptionally well at work you see, Kathryn,’ he told her over dessert. ‘I have nineteen people working under me right now, but of course I expect that to double once I take over the project team next year.’
He took a drag on his cigarette and blew the smoke out of the corner of his mouth. Kathryn smiled politely as he continued.
‘Your father sees what I can do, of course,’ he said. ‘To be honest, I don’t think he’d know what to do without me now. I’ve turned that place around since I got there.’
‘Really?’ Kathryn said with feigned interest.
‘Yes. It was in need of some fresh eyes and sharp thinking,’ he said, tapping the side of his head. ‘I think he knows I’m the man to watch,’ he winked. ‘Of course, in return I’m rather hoping your father will help me too. I see myself as prime minister one day,’ he chuckled. ‘I’d be quite good, don’t you think?’
Why her father was watching him, Kathryn wasn’t sure. But Charles was an intelligent man, so he must have found something appealing. Kathryn would need to keep looking for it, she considered.
‘I’d like to take you out again,’ he said at the end of the evening. He hadn’t asked her, rather assumed she would want to go on another date with him as if she had nothing better to do. Which it turned out she hadn’t because to her frustration she found herself agreeing to see him again.
They had nothing in common but Eleanor’s interest was sparked whenever his name arose and Kathryn felt an unbearable need for her mother’s approval. Ever since she had lost Robert her days were getting darker and she found herself clinging, like a life raft, to Eleanor. So if Eleanor liked him, Kathryn thought she probably would too one day.
As time went on and she continued seeing him, Peter spent more and more time talking about work and taking her to places she didn’t particularly wish to go to, such as fancy wine bars, shows, the opera. Then when he asked her to marry him, she couldn’t really think of a reason to say no. Other than the fact she didn’t love him, or particularly enjoy his company, but for some reason that didn’t affect her answer.
Kathryn knew she shouldn’t have agreed and that he didn’t love her either, but she had already lost her soulmate and she would never love another man anywhere near as much as she had Robert, so there was no point in waiting for anyone else. She might as well make do with Peter.
*****
Kathryn lay on the bed facing the ceiling. Whenever she closed her eyes she felt the nausea washing over her. It came in waves, rolling across her body and then subsiding, making her believe it was over only for another bigger swell to drown her again. It was better to keep her eyes open.
Her hands rested on her stomach cradling the piece of paper with Peter’s number on it. He had sent it to her a year ago, attached to a cheque. She had been tempted to throw it in the bin when she’d pulled it out of the envelope. His brief note explained he had changed his number and thought she should have it, just in case. Just in case of what, she had no idea. Just in case they moved maybe. Just in case she didn’t need his money any longer, or needed more. Instead of throwing it away, she had tucked it at the back of her bedside drawer. Just in case.
Kathryn didn’t conceive that one day she’d be calling that number. For over an hour now she had been lying on the bed, playing out the phone call in her head and second-guessing his reactions. Taking a deep breath, she picked up the phone and slowly tapped in the numbers. Her heart thumped as she listened to the ringtone. She could feel its force beneath her chest, almost burning through her skin each time it pounded. Pulling herself up, she leaned back against the pillow and waited for him to answer.
‘Hello?’
The sound of his clipped tone took her by surprise. Had she tried to remember how he sounded she wouldn’t have been able to, but as soon as she heard his voice it was like they had spoken only yesterday.
‘Hello?’ he asked again, the edge to his voice showing faint irritation. ‘If this is some foreign call centre—’
‘Peter,’ she eventually said, ‘it’s me, it’s Kathryn. I need to see you.’
*****
Three days later, Peter was sitting on a sofa at the far end of Costa Coffee. His face was obscured by The Times, which he shook as he turned the pages, but Kathryn recognised him as soon as she entered the coffee shop. The top of his head was visible above the paper, his hair bouncing in curls both greying and receding. As he bent his head forward she could see a balding patch. How confident he must be, not needing to look out for her, when he knew she would be arriving any minute.
Kathryn steadied herself by gripping a chair. Half an hour, she reminded herself. That was all this needed to take. Then she could be out of there and never see him again. For the last two hours she had been telling herself that over and over as if it were a mantra: get what you need and get out.
Peter dipped his paper and gazed up at her, holding up his hand in a half-wave when he saw her. Although he stirred in his seat as if about to stand he remained seated. He wasn’t smiling, and so Kathryn didn’t smile back, just walked towards him muttering under her breath, Get what you need and get out. On reaching him she saw the hint of an amused smirk and it crossed her mind she had been talking aloud.
‘Can I get you a coffee?’ he asked, gesturing to the chair opposite.
‘No.’ Her voice shook. She needed to compose herself but already she could feel the heat rising beneath the light shirt she had chosen to wear. She needed to flap its collar and cool herself down, but then he would know how uncomfortable she was, so instead Kathryn sat down on the seat opposite and took deep, steady breaths.
‘Straight to business it is, then.’ He smiled at his own joke, eyeing her carefully as if she might do something strange any moment. ‘You look … well.’
But Kathryn had noticed the dark shadows under her eyes that morning, the gauntness of her cheeks. She didn’t answer Peter.
‘So, it’s been what, ten, eleven years and you don’t have time for pleasantries?’ he asked, raising his eyebrows.
‘Fourteen years, Peter. It’s been fourteen years. The girls will be seventeen this December.’ She winced at her mention of the girls. She hadn’t wanted to say anything personal about them so soon.
‘Seventeen. Wow! Have you got any photos?’
‘No, I don’t, I’m afraid,’ she replied coolly.
He nodded. ‘So how are they? Are they why you’re here?
’
‘They’re fine,’ she said, volunteering nothing more.
‘Well, come on, Kathryn,’ he said, leaning forward, placing his elbows on the coffee table between them, clasping his hands together as if in prayer and resting his chin on his fingertips. ‘What is it that’s brought you here so urgently?’ His eyes widened mockingly as he said the word urgently. ‘Don’t keep me in suspenders.’
That awful expression he used. It had always irritated her. How quickly a few words had taken her back to a time she didn’t want to be in. Already Peter had knocked her off-balance and she had to pull herself together to regain control.
‘I need to know something, Peter,’ she started, ‘the truth about us.’ Kathryn waited but he didn’t respond. Shuffling in her seat she tried to focus. Get what you need and get out, she told herself again. ‘How come you suddenly left us when we moved to the Bay?’
Peter leant back into the sofa, his eyes wide, his head hung to one side as he contemplated her.
He’s got a wonky mouth. Abigail’s words came flooding back to her. Two thin lips and when he opens them up his mouth looks as if it’s filled with crooked tombstones. She had scolded her daughter at the time for being so rude but as she regarded him now she could see what Abigail meant. Peter wasn’t attractive when you broke his features down into separate parts. His mouth was a strange shape and his eyes were too round and small. They look like buttons that are the wrong size for his face. She couldn’t remember where this ranting of Abigail’s had come from, but it was making the process easier for her now. Really, why on earth had she married him? It wasn’t his money. And his ambition had driven her mad, all those nights listening to how successful he considered himself to be.
‘And why’s the past so important to you now?’ he asked, breaking her thoughts.
‘I just want some answers.’
‘Because Eleanor can’t give them to you anymore or because she’s been saying things you don’t want to hear?’
