by Heidi Perks
They paddled out to sea lying on their boards, waiting for something to happen, and even though the sea wasn’t as calm as now, I still didn’t know what they were waiting for. It didn’t seem like the type of day to be surfing. The waves that sporadically rolled to shore were low and when the one with blond hair jumped onto his board it carried him only metres before he slipped back into the water. I watched them for at least half an hour, wondering if this was all they had to do in Mull Bay – surf on calm waters.
When they eventually came out they were deep in conversation, the blond animatedly waving his arms about as if making a point. And then I heard her name: Hannah. My head snapped up and I strained to hear him because they were walking away, towards a pile of clothes strewn on the sand. ‘Hannah,’ he said it again. I got up and followed. ‘I want to go back and see her but her mother won’t let me anywhere near,’ he added.
Was this my Hannah they were talking about?
‘Yeah, well, she always was a mad old cow,’ the shorter one piped up. ‘Maybe you should speak to Lauren.’
I held my breath, picking up step so I could get closer to them.
‘Look, there’s Morrie,’ said the first. I followed his gaze towards the fishing boats and caught sight of a man bending over a boat. ‘I’ll see if he can pass Hannah a message, he’s bound to go in later.’
The shorter guy turned and noticed me lingering. ‘All right?’ he said.
‘Yes. Morning,’ I said and scurried past them to the steps, where I waited until they’d spoken to Morrie, deciding I would then speak to him myself. Wherever they were, it sounded like he would be seeing them himself, even if Kathryn was keeping the boys away.
*****
Morrie is the double of your Uncle Mitch. I couldn’t believe how similar they look. Grey wisps of hair against a tanned, weathered face. Bushy eyebrows I’d love to get my tweezers on. Deep blue eyes that pierced through me. As soon as he turned and smiled at me I felt at ease. Not many people have such a warm and open face as Mitch but I was pleased to have found another one.
He saw me approaching his boat and stopped what he was doing, stretching and rubbing the base of his spine as if it was causing him pain.
‘Hello,’ I said, ‘I’m looking for an old friend, and I heard you might be able to help me.’
‘I’ll be happy to see what I can do,’ he said, holding his hand out for me to shake. ‘Morrie.’
‘Abi,’ I said, taking it. ‘Do you have some time?’ I asked. ‘I don’t want to disturb you if you’re in the middle of something.’ I nodded towards the pot of paint perched on the side of his boat, brushes poking out of it.
‘Nothing that can’t wait,’ he smiled, grabbing a paper towel and rubbing it over his hands. ‘Now who is it you’re looking for?’
‘Her name’s Kathryn,’ I said. ‘She’s got two daughters, and I know they live here, I’m just not sure where exactly.’
‘Oh,’ he said, before adding, ‘Oh? And you said your name was—?’
‘Abi.’
Morrie nodded, and his smile faltered slightly. ‘Abigail,’ he said eventually. ‘That’s what Kathryn called you so it didn’t click at first. But I can see it,’ he said. ‘You look like her.’ He carried on nodding. ‘You’re also the image of Hannah.’
I realised my mouth had dropped open as I stared at him, but I didn’t have a clue what to say. Had Kathryn told him? I couldn’t believe she would. Yet …
‘Tell you what, Abi,’ he said. ‘I was just thinking I could do with a bite to eat. How about we head to the diner up there and we can chat? I could do with an excuse to take a break.’
I nodded mutely and waited for him to tidy his paintbrushes, wiping them against the paper towel he had used on his hands before wrapping them in a plastic bag and setting them carefully on the deck of his boat.
We walked up the steps to the top of the cliff and towards the diner he had pointed out from the beach. All the while he talked to me, telling me they hadn’t seen a summer so hot in years and how the kids still didn’t realise they needed to top up the sun cream. He pointed out a boy with a sunburnt chest to prove his point and then changed the subject, asking me what I did for a living and where I lived.
At the diner the woman behind the counter laughed when he placed our order.
‘Morrie, that has to be the third time you’ve ordered a bacon sarnie this week! Oh, and by the way, are you OK to look at our garage tonight?’
I took my Diet Coke and thanked him, all the while wanting to say, ‘Will you just tell me what you know,’ but at the same time I knew I had to pace myself. He knew my family and I needed him to help me.
‘So, Kathryn’s talked about me?’ I asked, when we found a table outside.
Morrie nodded. ‘Only yesterday.’
‘Are you friends?’
‘I’ve known the family a long time. I’ve got a lot of time for them – the girls are lovely.’
‘I guess you know who I am, then?’ I asked.
‘I believe you’re Kathryn’s daughter,’ he replied.
‘What else did she tell you?’
‘I hope she told me the truth. That you’re Hannah’s mother?’
I nodded. ‘And she only told you this yesterday? That’s a big coincidence.’
‘It does feel odd,’ Morrie agreed. ‘But sadly it all came about because Hannah found out the truth,’ he said. ‘Yesterday morning.’
‘So she knows about me?’ I gasped
‘Yes.’ He looked out to the sea. ‘As you can imagine she was extremely upset. She took off and had an accident. Hannah’s in hospital, I’m afraid,’ he said, turning back. ‘She’s going to be fine but she’s been through the mill a bit.’
‘What happened?’
‘She took a car belonging to her boyfriend’s father and drove it off. I don’t know where she was going. But she can’t drive.’
It was too much to take in.
‘Where’s the hospital?’ I asked. All I could think of was my baby finding out about me and ending up in hospital. I had to see her. She must be so frightened; I needed to tell her it was going to be OK.
Morrie took a sip of his tea and carefully placed the mug back on the table.
‘This isn’t my place to say, but I think the last thing you should do is turn up now.’
‘But I have to see her,’ I said. ‘I’ve finally found them and you tell me she’s in hospital. You can’t expect me to walk away.’
‘No, but she’s poorly, and if you want all this to work out OK, I’m just saying I don’t think now is the right time.’
‘Is there ever going to be a right time?’
‘Maybe not, but here’s what I know. Hannah didn’t know anything about you until yesterday morning. As soon as she did, she ended up in hospital. She needs time to get her head around what she found out and also to recover physically. Then there’s Lauren – she doesn’t know any of it yet. She will, but Kathryn needs to tell her. Lauren is devastated by her sister’s accident. Those girls are as close as real twins could ever be and they’re going to need time to adjust to this.’
‘But what if they don’t adjust?’
‘They will,’ said Morrie, smiling gently at me.
‘You don’t know that.’
‘I know them,’ he said. ‘And I know that once they can work this out, you’ll all be in a much better place to meet.’
‘But I’m so close,’ I cried out. ‘I don’t know how I can leave again, not now I’m here and I know they’re—’ I sighed and shook my head. ‘I need to see them.’
Morrie leant across the table to hold my hand and squeezed it. ‘I don’t know what happened all those years ago. Kathryn didn’t tell me why you haven’t seen each other in so long. I can’t begin to understand what life you’ve led, but if only for the girls, you need to give this some more time.’
How was it possible to give it more time? I haven’t seen the girls in fourteen years, and there I was so close – close to
where they live and breathe, to where Hannah is lying in hospital and where Lauren is most likely sitting by her bedside.
‘I’ll stay in touch with you,’ he continued. ‘You have my word that when I think the time is right, I’ll let you know.’
*****
I was so torn, Adam. In the end I told Morrie I’d take his advice. I said goodbye and left, hoping he would keep his end of the bargain. Then I drove out of Mull Bay and straight to the hospital.
But now I’m here, Adam, I don’t think I can go in. Inside is my daughter – my girls. If I walk through that door now, I might ruin everything. If they aren’t ready to see me I could lose them for ever all over again. And on top of all that Morrie was right about one thing: he knows them – I don’t.
So maybe if being a good mum is putting Hannah first, then I should walk away. Maybe that’s what will set me apart from Kathryn and Eleanor. Maybe I can finally break the chain of broken mothers.
– Thirty-Three –
Lauren was by the door. She looked blurry but then Hannah felt so tired, it could just be that her eyes weren’t focusing. Her mum still wasn’t there. If she had the strength Hannah would pull the tubes and wires out of her arms and pace the corridors until she found her. Kathryn was probably hiding somewhere, in case Hannah remembered what had happened right before the accident. Which of course she did: Hannah remembered every word of it.
Lauren looked tired. She was rubbing her face and yawning, her eyes were bloodshot and watery. Every time Hannah woke, Lauren was in the room with her. Her sister hadn’t left her side.
‘Hannah, you’re awake.’
Hannah smiled back. ‘Where’s Mum?’ she asked. Every time she thought of Kathryn as ‘Mum’ it sent a sharp stab to her stomach. She felt her eyes filling with tears but she couldn’t lift her hand to wipe them.
‘Don’t cry,’ Lauren said, rushing to her side, gently holding her arm. ‘You’ll be fine, everything’s going to be OK. The doctor was only just saying they were pleased with your progress. He says you’re strong.’
Hannah tried turning her head away but it hurt too much. She couldn’t bear to look at Lauren, who knew nothing of what their mum had done to them.
‘I said in that case it was better it was you and not me.’ Lauren gave a short laugh. ‘Because I’m not nearly as strong as you.’
‘Where’s Mum?’ Hannah asked again.
‘She’s on her way. Morrie’s just spoken to her so she’ll be here soon. I didn’t mean that, by the way,’ she added. ‘I’d swap places with you in a heartbeat.’
Hannah gave her sister a weak smile. ‘Has she been here at all?’
‘God yes, of course she has, but you know what she’s like.’ Lauren shrugged. ‘She had to go.’
‘Go where?’
But Lauren didn’t answer. They were silent for a while, each sister watching the other. There was nothing to say, yet at the same time there was everything, but Hannah couldn’t bring herself to do it. She felt tired again, her eyelids were heavy and as much as she wanted to keep them open the pressure was too much and she let them drop shut.
‘Mum.’ Lauren’s voice broke the silence and Hannah managed to flicker her lids open to see her mum at the door.
Her mum. Kathryn. Whoever.
‘You’ve come back,’ said Lauren.
Kathryn looked concerned, her eyes dark, their lids hooded, but she had a glimmer of a smile on her face when she saw Hannah’s eyes open.
She still cares about you, Hannah told herself. It’s all over her face. And as much as Hannah wanted to shout at her and cry and tell Lauren the truth, it was good to see her mum still cared.
Then Hannah couldn’t stop herself from falling back into a deep sleep.
– Thirty-Four –
‘Lauren’s here,’ Morrie said to Kathryn gently. ‘I can wait in your kitchen if you like.’
‘Don’t go, Morrie,’ Kathryn begged. ‘Stay here, please.’
She wasn’t ready; it was ridiculous she was going through this already.
But he shook his head. ‘You must do this on your own, Kathryn. Don’t back out, will you?’
‘I don’t think I can do it.’ Her whole body trembled with fear.
‘You have to,’ he said calmly, backing out of the room.
Kathryn grabbed her glass of water but couldn’t keep her hands still. Water splashed over the top, wetting her skirt, and she tried to rub it away roughly with her hands.
‘Mum?’ Lauren came into the living room, looking at her with wide eyes.
Kathryn’s mouth still felt dry so she reached for another sip of water, but again it splashed, this time over her hand.
Lauren sat down on the chair opposite and leaned forward, her face a mixture of worry and anticipation. ‘What is it?’ she asked. ‘Is it Grandma?’
‘No. No, it’s not Grandma,’ Kathryn said. ‘Well, not really. Maybe it is.’
‘Mum, you’re not making sense, just tell me what it is, please. I’m getting worried now.’
Kathryn took a deep breath, trying to look at her daughter, but she found her eyes drifting towards her lap. ‘There’s something I did, a long, long time ago,’ she said finally, ‘and it’s something I should never have done.’
‘OK, well, we all make mistakes.’
‘Yes, I suppose we do …’ Kathryn paused, shaking her head. ‘But this was big, a very big thing I did and I’ve never told anyone.’ As she lay her hands across her lap, her legs were jiggling up and down and she wished she could make them stop. Kathryn closed her eyes. It was impossible, there was no way she could tell Lauren the truth.
But what if she didn’t? Someone else would tell her. Though maybe that was preferable, maybe she could let someone else do it. Who would that be, though?
‘Mum?’ Lauren sounded impatient.
‘Kathryn?’ Morrie was now calling her, standing in the doorway, glaring at her. She hadn’t ever seen him glare. Only one day had passed since Hannah’s accident and he had been repeating himself over and over that she needed to speak to Lauren.
Fine, I’ll just come out with it then he might stop glaring.
‘I have another daughter. Her name is Abigail.’
‘Abigail?’ This was Lauren.
Don’t answer questions. Breathe. Remember what you practised. Talk again before she asks anything else.
‘I left her when you and Hannah were two, because I believed she was very out of control and was going to ruin everything for us and I was scared.’
I had believed that, hadn’t I? But was it true? Because only now I don’t actually remember what she had said and …
‘What do you mean, ruin things? What are you on about, Mum?’
Ignore her. Now I can’t think of the next line. Think, Kathryn, think.
‘Abigail had a baby at fourteen, the baby was Hannah and she couldn’t look after her, so I looked after her and brought you both up as twins. Then she said she was going to tell everyone and take her away from me and I couldn’t let that happen, and oh God, Lauren, I really don’t feel very well.’
Breathe, Kathryn, Breathe.
Kathryn grabbed a magazine from the side table and started fanning herself.
‘What the hell are you talking about? This is ridiculous! Are you making this up?’
‘No, Lauren, she isn’t.’
Kathryn heard Morrie’s voice, which was good, she thought, because she needed to lie down now. He sat down on the sofa next to Lauren and took hold of her daughter’s hand, rubbing it gently. Maybe she could lie out on the floor and Morrie could take it from there.
Kathryn shuffled forward to the edge of the sofa but Lauren’s questions came one after the other. She heard her own voice answering them, but it all sounded like it was happening very far away. She heard Morrie’s voice too; he sounded like an interpreter.
The room was swimming in and out; she felt as if she was being dragged under the surface of water. Everyone’s voices were muffled and unreal.
In a way it was a pleasant feeling. But then Lauren started crying before shouting. Kathryn desperately wanted to close her eyes because there was so much noise and she couldn’t make any sense of it. Then Lauren stood up and cried out, ‘I’m going to be with my sister!’
Was that it? Was it over?
‘Do you want to know more?’ Kathryn stood up, her legs wobbling. She needed to grab hold of the chair to steady herself, but Lauren was already out of the room. Kathryn desperately wanted to do the right thing for her girls. It was just so very, very hard.
The front door slammed behind Lauren.
‘Oh, I think I’ve ruined everything,’ said Kathryn.
‘No, you haven’t. That’s the hardest part over,’ Morrie told her softly. ‘Whatever happens from now on, you’ll cope with it because you’ve told them the truth and that’s all that matters.’
She heard his words but she didn’t believe them. ‘They’ll talk about it together,’ she said, biting the corner of her thumbnail. ‘About how much they both hate me for what I did. They won’t want anything more to do with me.’ She should stop because she had reached the skin and it was hurting now.
‘That’s not true.’
‘I can’t blame them. What kind of mother am I? What kind of mother abandons one child and lies to the others their whole lives? Oh, Morrie, why did all this have to come out? Why couldn’t we have carried on as we were? And now it’s bleeding again.’ She held up her thumb.
Morrie looked down at his feet, shuffled on the spot and she knew he wanted to say something.
‘What? There’s something you’re not telling me.’
Still he said nothing.
Kathryn felt a blinding stab of pain across her forehead. ‘I’m going to lie down,’ she said. ‘I think I’m getting a migraine.’
‘OK—’ He paused. She wished he’d just say whatever was on his mind, but instead he turned his back and told her he would make them both a cup of tea.
Kathryn went up to her bedroom. The light was streaming in through the window, its glare bright. She moved to pull the curtains, stopping briefly to look out onto the lane. If she craned her neck to the right she could glimpse the sea. It had surprised her the morning after they’d arrived in Mull Bay. So different to what she was used to in London, the rows and rows of houses overlooked from every side. Mull Bay was isolated in comparison. She had always hoped they could have a happy life in the Bay, the three of them. And they had. But she had also hoped that one day Abigail would join them too. That’s what she had written in her letter to her: that once it had all blown over, Abigail could join them. Only Eleanor always said it never had.
