by HJ Bellus
“I’d love to, but I have to get going.”
“I hate this part.”
“Me, too.” I wiggle my nose on his cheek. “When will I see you again?”
He nibbles on my jawline. “It will be a while, Baylor. Our next game is away. I won’t have any time to come see you this week.”
I deflate next to him. “Okay.”
“We’ll fly home Sunday. We usually get in super late. The game is going to be intense, we’re playing our conference rivals. They’re out for blood this year.”
“So, like two weeks?” I ask.
“Fuck, I hope not. I’ll do my best.”
I’m being selfish and I know it. I prop up on one elbow to look down at him. “It’s okay. You’re a busy man with lots on your shoulders. I know you’ll come to me when you can.”
“I am busy and have tons of responsibility with football, but Baylor you’re number one in my life. Do you get that? Number one. Day or night.”
I nod. “Okay, but seriously State, my name on your back is all I need.”
“What do you think of Rowe coming to my next home game?”
“Honestly?”
He nods.
“I really don’t think she’s ready. I mean football aside, she’s really sensitive to loud noises.”
“Down the road?” He looks hopeful.
“I’ll talk to Miss Tami and we can make a plan.”
“I really want her at a game. Hell, I’d love to bring her down on the field.”
“I know. She adores you, Shrek.”
He brushes off a shoulder throwing my own move in my face. “I’m pretty damn loveable.”
“That you are.”
Twenty-Three
“You’re crazy. It’s still light outside.”
“I’m walking your fine ass to your car and sending you off with a proper farewell.”
We walk hand in hand past the security guard and avoid another elevator soap opera. State gets stopped by a group of men. I recognize some from the team party, but step back while they talk.
I send out a quick text to Miss Tami while I wait. State holds up a finger to me and jogs off with the men. I can still see him, even though he’s like the size of ant in the distance.
“I know you from somewhere.”
I turn to see Dylan Burnett behind me. He’s alone and eyeing me up and down. My skin fucking crawls. No way he recognizes me. Hell, I didn’t even put a name to the face until it was announced at the party.
“Nope, sorry.” I turn my body to face the direction that State went in, hoping the fuckface walks off.
“I’m pretty sure I do.” He steps in front of me tapping his lips. “You star in any porns?”
“Excuse me?”
“I never forget a face.”
“Leave me alone. State’s going to be right back. Get away from me. I have nothing to say to you.”
He’s just trying to upset you. Stay calm. He’s one of State’s team members. State needs to have a good season. Stay calm.
His hand wraps around my wrist and he tugs me to him.
“Let go of me.”
His grip tightens and he jerks down hard. I feel a pop in my shoulder and then shooting pain strike down my arm.
“Rowe, the little retarded girl. You guys ruined my brother. He’s serving time.”
I react, ignoring the pain. I spit in his face and then knee him in the groin as hard as I can. I connect hard, sending him backward. I’m not finished though. When he hunches over, I send my knee up into the air connecting with his nose.
My kneecap aches with pain because of the brutal connection. Blood spews from his nose, and I bring back my fist to take a swing at his perfect lined jaw.
“Baylor, Jesus.” Someone pulls me back by the shoulders.
They’re stronger than me, but the anger and rage in me fuels my adrenaline.
“Let go of me.” I swing my arms and try to kick whoever has me in their grasp.
I’m spun around and come face to face with State.
“Let me go.”
“No.” He looks over my shoulder. “Get that fucker out of here.”
Campus security shows up and escorts him off.
“I’m not talking to them. Let me go.”
“Baby, what’s going on?”
“I want to go home. Please.”
One of his teammate bends over and picks up my phone. “State, I think it was all caught on video.”
I look down at the phone and go for it, but the man holds it up over his head. I begin to tremble and feel my legs go weak. The world spins, I see stars for the second time tonight, but not the good ones.
“Jesus, baby.” State scoops me up in his arms. “Do you trust me?”
Sobs wrack me.
“Follow us in her car.”
I feel State reach around in my purse for the keys. The sound of them jangling together fills my ears when he tosses him.
“Green, drive my car.”
He has me clutched to his chest in the back of the car. “Are you taking me home?”
“No,” he whispers into my ear. “You have to talk to me and trust me.”
I close my eyes willing everything to disappear. I want to be back home and the Baylor I was before reconnecting with State. I don’t want him in my life. This is going to ruin everything.
I’m not sure what happens or even how much time passes before I come to my senses. I’m sitting on a couch in Coach Pete’s house. He’s sitting across from me with a concerned look on his face. Momma Pete is on one side of me with State on the other.
“Whenever you’re ready, sweetie. You need to tell us what happened,” she reassures me.
“It’s them or the cops,” State whispers, clutching my hand.
“Where’s my phone?”
“Right here.” State hands it to me.
I swipe it open and pull up the camera roll. There’s a new video that’s three minutes long. It starts out with a view looking up on my face. I push the triangle button to play and feel the sensation of losing State. I won’t make it through this.
The whole nasty conversation plays out. I cringe when I hear the top of my kneecap collide with his nose.
“Rowe,” State whispers.
“I didn’t want to tell you. It would ruin your football season.”
“How long have you known?” The hurt is evident in his voice.
“The team party.”
“Mind filling the rest of us in?” The coach asks.
I can’t look at State. He’s pissed. I can feel the anger radiating off of him.
“I was taken in by a woman named Miss Tami. She was a social worker at my elementary school. It was after State was adopted. I had a great life growing up. Long story short, a few years ago she also took in a little girl named. Rowe. She has down syndrome and was severely abused by the high school football team. Dylan Burnett’s brother was one of the boys.”
“What did they do to her?” State viciously growls.
I swallow hard. “State, I don’t want this to affect you. You have so much going for you.”
He slams his fist down onto the coffee table in front of us. The corners containing glass shatter.
“It’s okay. Go ahead.” Momma Pete gently squeezes my hand.
“They did horrible things, State.” Tears begin to fall from my eyes. “Her parents didn’t even know. Her brother was on the team and they were terrorizing him through Rowe.”
“Miss Tami told me that part. I need to know what they did to her.”
I choke back a sob. “They molested her, State. The school nurse found her in pain one day at school. She was taken to the hospital and objects were removed from her rectum. That’s why she hates football.”
I bury my face in the palms of my hands. Each word slices my tongue as I’m forced to speak it. The long and brutal hours in the courtroom come back to me, along with the testimony and pictures. I break on the inside just like I did when we experienced it.
/>
“This will be handled.” Coach Pete stands. “State, my office now.”
I don’t look at him. I know he’s gone when I hear a door slam.
“Sweet, baby.” Momma Pete wraps me up in her arms and holds me while I cry. Her hands run down my back. After several minutes she speaks again.
“I must say I’m impressed with your self-defense skills. Good girl.”
“The product of being raised on the streets.” I manage to get out through my sobs.
State’s booming voice echoes throughout the house, then the Coach’s, and then State’s, again. It goes back and forth for a long time until I can’t stand it any longer.
“I’m going home.” I raise up on shaky legs.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Please.” I look down to her with a pleading stare. “I want to go.”
She nods her head and ushers me outside. Momma Pete takes my phone from me and types in a number.
“Please call or text when you get home.” She places her hands on top of my shoulders squaring me to her. “We care about you.”
I nod toward her and then get into my car. I twirl the phone over and over in my hand debating whether to text State or not. There’s nothing left to say. I fire up the engine and push shuffle on my iPod linked up to my stereo. The drive back goes quickly and I’m pulling into the driveway. All my tears have dried up and I’m thankful the house is dark.
When I enter the house and see all of Rowe’s princess dolls strewn around the house, the sadness slams back into me. I refuse to cry any longer, but I just don’t know how I’ll handle losing State. The look on his face killed me.
I’m thankful he has his coach there for him. He’ll be the one person to keep State’s head square on his shoulder. I recognized the rage State flew into. It was a glimpse of him when we were young and he was protecting us, but now it’s intensified.
I scrub my face in the bed and let a few tears flow. It’s grieving. The loss of him. I drift off into sleep when my phone buzzes on the nightstand. It takes me several minutes to even roll over to see it, but it buzzes again. I finally reach over and grab it. There’s several text notifications from State.
“Shit, I forgot to text Momma Pete,” I whisper.
I send her a quick text and then read the others.
State: I’m coming to your house.
State: I’m here.
State: I don’t want to wake Rowe and Miss Tami
State: Please let me in.
State: PLEASE
The three dots at the bottom of the screen jump around. He’s not going to give up, so I crawl out of bed. When I open the front door, State is standing there with his head dropped down typing furiously away on his phone. He looks up at me shattering me with the desperate look on his face.
“Thank you,” he whispers.
I’m greedy, so I grab his hand and lead him to my bedroom. Once in the room with the door shut, there’s only the dim lighting of my bedside lamp lighting up the room. Neither of us talk. I’m not sure why he drove all the way here to just let me go. Football is his future and I won’t stand in the middle of it.
“State, you didn’t need to come out here to end things. I get it.”
He looks up to me with a dark and wicked stare. “Fucking really, Baylor? Read your fucking texts.”
The angry tone in his voice scares me. He’s never talked to me like that. I look down to my phone lying on the bed and noticed he managed to send three more texts while I went to let him in.
State: I’m hurt.
My fingers tremble around the phone.
State: Why didn’t you tell me?
State: I fucking love you more than anything. Even football. I love Miss Tami and Rowe. I’ll do anything to protect you guys. Are you really going to shut me out that easy?
“I’m sorry, State,” I whisper.
He looks back down at his large unlaced sneakers he’d slipped on to walk me out to the car.
“I didn’t want to interfere with football and your career. It’s your future.”
He stands to his feet, putting his hands on the top of his hat in frustration. “I really don’t know what else I can do, Baylor. I’ve tried showing you everything that you are to me. It’s like you have no desire to fight for us.”
He walks out of my bedroom. I crumple to the bed and, like usual, I lose my voice. I’m streamlined right back into my ball of fear where my voice is lost. I fade away in the darkness of a life I’m so damn used to.
I wake up hours later with a kinked neck and a very dry mouth. My face is plastered with dry tears. I go out to the kitchen not turning on any lights to fetch a bottle of water from the fridge. The cold water coats my dry throat. I gulp more of it until my head hurts from a brain freeze.
There’s two cupcakes on the counter decorated with way too many pink sprinkles and note lying by it in Rowe’s writing. To my sissy and Shrek. I love you. XOXO Rowe.
How can I break anymore? Shattered tiny pieces of glass can’t break any further, but I feel it crack. The tiny shards pierce my already broken heart. Tears spill down my face when I walk back to my bedroom.
I notice State’s large frame sleeping on the couch. His legs dangle over the end and his head at that angle that looks painful. Without thinking, I go to the basket in the corner of the room and grab him a few blankets.
It takes two to cover his large frame. Once he’s covered up, I lean over and kiss his forehead leaving my lips there for a long time. I pull back a little bit and whisper to his sleeping frame.
“I love you, State. I’m sorry. I thought I was protecting you. I’ll always love you.”
I stand up to walk away when he clutches my wrist in his enormous hand.
“It’s my job to protect you. It always has been, Baylor.”
He drops my hand and I walk back to my bedroom. My alarm sounds way too early. The throbbing pain in my head makes me dizzy, but like so many other times in my life when I didn’t want to live another day…I get up.
I shower quickly, knowing I’m already fifteen minutes late to get the morning started. I know I should be buzzing around getting ready, but the lead weights on my soul slow my every move.
A loud ruckus in the living room causes my head to ache even more. When I open my door, Rowe and State come into view. He’s sitting in front of her tying her tennis shoes.
“Sissy,” she squeals.
“Hey.” I blow her a kiss.
“Look.” She pops up on her feet. “State brought me this.”
She twirls around in her blue and orange tutu and new football shirt.
“Wow, you look beautiful.”
“There was one in the box for you, too.” She pulls it out and hands it to me.
“Thanks.” I look over to State.
He shrugs. “I was going to mail them to you guys this week, but brought the package in from car this morning.”
“Oh.” I look down at my bare feet. “Okay, Rowe, you need to eat breakfast.”
“Already did. State made me waffles this morning and he’s taking me to school.” Her toothy grin is contagious.
“Exciting, sweetie,” I offer, still feeling hollow on the inside.
She runs for her backpack and grabs State’s hand. “I’m ready, Shrek.”
“Would you like to go with us?” He asks.
I look up at him and realize he’s talking to me. I’m scared. I don’t want to hear how much I’ve hurt him.
“Baylor looks sad,” Rowe says.
“She does,” State adds.
He steps up to me, grabs the back of my neck, and pulls me into him. He kisses me hard and then pulls back.
“I’d do anything to make her happy.” He brushes his lips against mine.
Rowe squeals. State takes my hand in his and we walk out to his car. My nerves are on high alert, but State acts like last night never happened. When we pull into the school parking lot, Rowe buzzes with excitement.
“
Will you walk me in, State?” Rowe asks from the backseat as she frantically undoes her seat belt.
“Yes, sweetie. I’m dying to meet this Mr. Moore.” He jumps out of the car, helps Rowe out, and then makes his way to my side of the car.
I’m shocked when he extends his hand to me. I take it without second thought, jumping down and colliding with his hard chest.
“I love you, Baylor.”
“I hurt you,” I whisper back.
“You did.”
His acknowledgment of the statement devastates me.
“I understand though. You’ve protected Rowe, and I get it. You don’t have to protect me the same way.”
He kisses me lightly and then succumbs to the tugging of Rowe. She guides us up the sidewalk like shiny new toys. The three of us never let go of each other’s hands while winding through swarms of excited children.
Rowe rushes right up to her favorite principal.
“Mr. Moore.” She tugs on the bottom of his suit jacket.
He looks down to her, smiling widely.
“Good morning, Rowe.”
“Morning.” She beams with excitement.
I follow Mr. Moore’s sight to my linked hands with State. I feel sheepish for a few seconds until State begins to talk.
“I’m State.” He extends his hand out.
Mr. Moore shakes his hand. “Nice to meet you.”
“I’m Baylor’s boyfriend.”
“And my prince,” Rowe squeals.
Between the two of them, I’m pretty sure Mr. Moore gets the hint loud and clear. He’s professional at all times, even though I sense the air of disappointment flashing on his features.
“Mine,” State growls when we leave Mr. Moore. I squeeze his hand reassuring him that I am, in fact, his.
It’s an even bigger production when we hand her over to her teacher. We walk back to his car hand in hand right past Mr. Moore. I don’t miss the nod State sends his direction.
“Enough, State.”
“What?” He asks, opening my door.
“I think you’ve pissed on me enough.”
“Good.”
When he gets in the car he doesn’t start the engine, but turns to me in his seat.
“I need to say sorry, Baylor. I overreacted.”
“State, do we have to do this?”
