“I don’t quite understand why, but I found that statement disturbing.” He frowned.
Marian almost laughed. He probably wasn’t used to a female that didn’t want to trap him in the bonds of matrimony. “You wouldn’t question it if a male declared that sentiment instead of a female. Don’t worry, my lord, I’ll keep it to myself from now on. Saying it once is enough, I’d think.”
“Didn’t I give you permission to call me Jonas?”
“I refuse to be so familiar with you.” That was it? That’s all he took from her statement? She refused to play his game or let him realize how much he rattled her. At the very least he needed to understand her position and that there would never be anything between them. “It leads to expectations, and I’d hate to give you ideas.”
“Darling Marian.” There was that wicked smile again… “With you, I always have ideas, and we’re far past expectations.”
She should run. The way he was staring at her… Marian licked her lips unable to stop herself. His heat was calling to her and she had to move closer to him. It was an imperative she could ignore no matter how hard she tried. She took a step forward, stopping when he jerked his gaze upward. His frown was like cold water dousing the fire inside of her.
“Jonas,” a male said. “We need to talk.”
“We have nothing to discuss.” Jonas spun on his heels and left her alone. He didn’t look back once.
She turned to see who had made him dash out of the ball. The Duke of Southington stood behind her. Why didn’t Jonas want to talk to his grandfather? This hadn’t been the first time he’d reacted oddly to his grandfather’s presence.
The whispers of a rumor filled her memory. His grandfather had been cruel to him when he was younger. She had to go find him and make sure he was all right. Marian didn’t say a word to the duke and fled in the direction that Jonas had gone. Weston Manor was a large estate, and it might take a while to locate him. She wouldn’t be able to sleep until she was certain he would be fine.
CHAPTER 12
JONAS DIDN’T KNOW where he was going. The only thing he could think of was putting as much distance as he could between him and his grandfather. Why did he keep showing up? Did the duke really enjoy making him as miserable as possible? He’d been enjoying his conversation with Marian and the evil bastard had to come over to ruin it. What would it take for the old man to leave him alone? He had nothing but questions, and there were no answers to be found.
He pushed a door open, strolling randomly into a room. A fire blazed in the hearth to help alleviate the chill in the room. Several shelves, filled with leather bound books, lined the wall. A settee graced the middle of the room flanked by two chairs. In the far corner, a mahogany desk sat near a window. A floor lengthy mirror trimmed in gold hung on the opposite wall. The room was ornate and welcoming at the same time.
Something about the mirror called to him. He headed toward it, stopping in front. His image filled the glass surface, illuminated by the glow of the fire. He clenched his fists at his side as he stared at himself. He wasn’t entirely sure if he liked what reflected back. Was this who he wanted to be? A man consumed by his past and who reacted like a desperate little boy tormented by his grandfather.
There had to be something to drink in the room. The duke had kept alcohol in a secret spot in the billiards room. Surely a nice decanter of brandy would be in the library too. He roamed the room, searching the shelves until he reached the desk. A large drawer was on the left side of it. Jonas pulled it open and grinned at the contents. A small decanter sat inside with a couple of goblets. His luck was holding up in that regard at least. He lifted the bottle of brandy out of the drawer along with one of the glasses and set them on the desk.
Jonas pulled the top off the brandy and poured some into the glass, then drained the contents. The door to the library opened wider than he’d left it. Slowly, she stepped inside the room. She didn’t appear to see him, so he remained still—waiting. Had she come to find him? Her auburn hair shimmered in the firelight, making it almost materialize into a flame of its own. Suddenly the brandy paled in comparison. It didn’t burn in quite the same way. He needed her—Marian.
She made it to the middle of the room and turned. A stray curl fell loose, and she brought her hand up to brush it behind her ear. She met his gaze, and then her mouth fell open as if she was surprised to see him. He set the empty glass down and took a step forward.
“Lord Harrington.” She stumbled over his name, almost breathless or maybe anxious. He couldn’t be sure which, but either way gave him hope. Maybe, just maybe, she was as drawn to him as he to her. She cleared her throat. “Are you all right?”
He stalked forward, closing the distance. She’d come looking for him, and he wasn’t going to let this opportunity pass by. They’d been dancing around each other long enough, and he was done ignoring his own desires. “Nothing could be more perfect.”
“What?” She scrunched her eyebrows together. “I don’t understand.”
Jonas reached for the stray curl behind her ear and rolled it between his fingers. The silky softness slid over his skin as he’d always imagined it would. He wanted to pull all the pins out of her hair and see the glossy strands in all its glory. Someday, he hoped he would, but for now he’d settle for the pleasure of touching this one lock. “Why did you follow me?”
“You seemed upset.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “Your grandfather…”
“Means nothing,” he interrupted her, his voice harsh and unyielding. He wouldn’t allow the duke to ruin this moment. Whatever was between him and Marian wouldn’t be sullied by that awful man. He leaned closer to skim his hand over her cheek. The scent of vanilla and lavender enveloped him. “You, however, do.”
“I should go,” she replied. “This would be a mistake.”
“Don’t,” Jonas said softly. He brushed his lips over her ear. “You must feel this too.”
Kissing her would be the epitome of everything that’s good in the world. Even if he never got the opportunity to do it again, he had to do it. Her innocence spoke to him and made him want to do better—be better. There was no room for mistakes—only memories without regret. Ever since he’d lost his father, he’d believed in living in the moment. This was one time he would keep true to that conviction.
Jonas pressed his lips to hers. She gasped—her breath mingling with his. He touched his tongue against hers and fire spread through him. The flames consumed him until there was no end and no beginning. It was just him and Marian. Perhaps he should have considered where one kiss could lead, but he’d lost all ability to reason. He’d been selfish and had only thought about what he wanted. He should stop, but kissing her felt so unbelievable.
He wrestled for control and pulled back. “Marian.” His voice was hoarse with desire he couldn’t restrain. “You should leave now before this goes further than it should.”
“What if I want it to?” Her voice held an edge of uncertainty mixed with anticipation.
Her innocent question set him ablaze all over again. Her face held so much hope that it almost shattered him—he didn’t deserve her, but he wanted her far more than he should. He would not take advantage of her. Even if she wasn’t the daughter of the one man he still looked up to, he couldn’t do that to her. She was far too special. “I should go.” If she wouldn’t leave, then it was up to him to put some distance between them. He had to be better than the world believed him to be. Damn if he wished things were different though…
MARIAN WASN’T ENTIRELY sure she understood what was occurring between them. There was one thing she was certain about: she wanted him to kiss her again and soon. She had always believed that medicine was her future. Seeing past that hadn’t ever been an option. Kisses and a charming rogue never entered that vision she had for her life. Then Jonas put his lips on hers and everything changed in one instant. Now she didn’t just want to be a doctor. No, that would never be enough. She’d had a taste of passion and needed muc
h more.
He was hurting, and she wanted to take that away—even if it was only briefly. She didn’t believe in lying to herself, yet she had been doing just that for far too long. She’d always had some sort of morbid fascination with Jonas. Maybe she should have realized sooner it wasn’t as awful as she thought. Her attraction to him wasn’t a bad thing. No, it was much more than that, and always had been. It was magic at its best, and she had to stop denying what he meant to her.
He was staring at her as if she’d lost her mind. Perhaps she had, but she couldn’t consider that. Jonas was gorgeous. She’d always thought so, but had not allowed herself to believe he could be anything important to her. He was one of her father’s protégées. Many had come and gone over the years; however, there had always been something special about him.
“You’re an innocent.” He was saying the right words, yet he hadn’t taken another step back. Jonas didn’t want to leave. He’d gladly touch her and kiss her again, but something held him back. Maybe she should encourage him more. Marian took a step forward and placed her hand on his chest. He was so warm, and then her body came alive being close to him. “Marian…” He groaned out her name. “I’m not strong enough to walk away a second time.”
“I’m not asking you to.” She lifted her other hand and wound it around his neck. “I’ve never felt like this before, and I’m afraid I never will again if I let you act the gentleman. Please kiss me again.”
“I want to.” He pulled her closer. “I shouldn’t, but God do I want to…”
He pressed his lips to hers and pulled her closer. Sensations she’d never experienced before lit through her like wildfire. Jonas kissed her cheeks and then trailed his lips down her neck and shoulder. Marian’s breathing became more and more ragged with each touch of his lips against her heated skin. He dipped his head lower until he reached her bosom. The top of her dress was lowered before she had time to realize what happened. His lips were around her nipples, and Marian forgot everything but the sensations swirling through her body.
“Jonas…” She wanted to beg for more, but his name was the only thing she could manage to utter. When had she turned into a wanton woman? He’d tried to walk away, and she’d asked him to stay. She’d needed to feel this and understand what true passion was.
“You’re so sweet.” He met her gaze. “And as much as I’d like to do more…” He lifted her bodice back up. “I respect you too much to take advantage of you. Please forgive me for my lapse in judgment.”
“Why?” How could he stop as if that hadn’t meant anything to him? “I wanted this—you.”
“Sweetheart,” he began. “You’re the type a man marries. I’m not in the market for a wife. If we had taken this any further, we’d have been heading to the altar.”
Her heart squeezed tight inside her chest, breaking by slow increments—each beat more painful than the last. He couldn’t have hurt her more if he tried. She never asked or assumed he’d marry her. Maybe, deep down, she’d hoped he cared for her. He had never been a part of the future she’d seen for herself, but she had hoped he would at least be a part of her present. She’d been a silly, stupid, and foolish girl.
“You’re right.” Marian nodded absentmindedly. “It’s a good thing nothing happened. Heaven help us if we were forced to spend the rest of our lives together. No need to worry about my trying to trap you into something you don’t want.”
“What?” He frowned. “I didn’t mean…”
“No.” She closed her eyes and fought back tears. She swallowed down the lump forming in her throat. Being in the same room was quickly becoming too difficult. “You meant exactly what you said. I have to go.”
“Marian.” Why did he have to say her name as if he had the right to? She never gave him permission to address her as an intimate. “Don’t make this more than it is. I hate that you’re upset.”
Maybe he was, but she couldn’t forget the humiliation to make everything all right for him. She started to head out of the room, and he reached out and grabbed her arm. She glanced at his hand wrapped around her wrist and yanked back. “Perhaps you should have thought about that before you kissed me. I always knew you were selfish, but this is an all new low. Do me a favor and never speak to me again.”
Marian left the library as fast as she could. If he stopped her again, she wasn’t so sure she would be able to control her emotions. She was barely hanging on as it was. How had she managed to find herself in this position? The blasted scoundrel had ruined her forever—at least emotionally. Somehow, she didn’t think she’d ever feel quite the same again.
She loved him.
It was imprudent, and the worst mistake she’d ever made in her life. Unfortunately, she couldn’t stop loving him that easy. Maybe over time the pain would dull, but somehow she doubted that was possible. As much as she hated to admit it to herself, she was afraid no amount of time would make her feel better. She would forever be in love with a man who was emotionally unavailable.
Until he got over the insecurities holding him back, he’d always be trapped in the same place. Never moving forward, and always running from the same issue. He wasn’t discarding her so much as rejecting anything that would lead to happiness. In the meantime, she would have to go on with her life and continue on the path she set for herself.
She took a deep breath and held back the tears. There was no room for them in the life she had planned for herself. It hadn’t been her mistake. No, it was his, and he could go to hell. He didn’t deserve her love—she wished she could believe that.
CHAPTER 13
EPIPHANIES WERE like lightening striking their target and exploding into booming thunder that oftentimes left chaos in its wake. Marian reeled from the massive one that had hit her the night before. In some ways, nothing had changed, yet something profound had sneaked its way inside of her. The surreal aspect of it all didn’t escape her. She’d come to Kent hoping to convince a duchess to teach her all she could about being a physician, and instead she loved a man incapable of thinking of anyone other than himself.
She couldn’t think about it, yet it was all she had on her mind. Taking control of her life and her frenzied emotions was turning out to be much harder than she’d anticipated. Why did everything have to be so profoundly complicated?
Marian had always believed her destiny was to be a physician and help other people, and maybe it still could. She had been doubting herself and her chosen path for awhile. The duchess was her last chance to make that happen, yet she couldn’t seem to bring up the subject with her. She was standing in her own way, making sure the dreams she’d desperately been striving for wouldn’t happen. Why did she keep sabotaging herself? If she didn’t believe in herself and her ability to help others, then why bother at all?
She pushed open the first door she came across, rushing inside and then closing it behind her. Marian’s room was too far away, and she desperately needed to be alone—to think. Tears were threatening to slide down her face once again, and she feared someone would find her in a state of misery. The very idea of someone seeing her crumbling to pieces was too much for her. Her cheeks were wet before she had time to realize that she could no longer hold back the sadness overwhelming her. She wiped the evidence from her face, but didn’t think it would completely hide the fact she’d been crying.
She glanced up and realized she was in the library. This was the room of her downfall. How had she inadvertently gone to the one place she hoped to never see again? Books filled every shelf from one end to the other, and in any other time she’d have been exhilarated at the prospect of examining them all. She wandered aimlessly toward them.
The first shelf had some books on farming. She loved books, but that subject had never interested her. Shakespeare, poetry, and medical tomes were her go-to books. She skimmed the next shelf with her fingers and stopped short. A large leather-bound book was on the shelf and something about it seemed special. She pulled it out and opened it, surprised to find a journal
of sorts. A lot of the pages were blank, but what was written inside was proof she’d never hoped to find. The book contained medical notations and drawings. A lot of the information could be called innovative and nothing like she’d ever seen before.
“What are you doing?”
She’d been so engrossed in reading that she hadn’t heard the door open. Marian glanced toward the entrance and frowned. The duchess stood in the entrance, and she didn’t appear happy. “I’m sorry,” Marian said. “The information here is so fascinating. Did you write this?”
The duchess shut the door and moved toward Marian. When she reached her side, she took the book from her and closed it. “This isn’t for the world to see—at least not yet.”
“Why?” Marian tilted her head. “If it could help save people’s lives, wouldn’t you want to help them?”
“It’s for that reason I’m writing this down.” She sighed. “You don’t understand, and I’m not sure I should explain it.”
She reached up and slid the book back on the shelf then turned to walk away. When she reached the settee, she sat without saying a word. Marian wasn’t sure if she should sit as well or wait for the duchess to address her. What was the etiquette for reading a medical journal that was off limits? After several heartbeats, she decided to follow her lead and sit in a nearby char. Afterward, she folded her hands in her lap and asked the question she couldn’t let go of. “Where did you learn all that?” The rest of her life was in shambles, but perhaps that had been fate’s way of putting her back on the right path.
“That’s the part I shouldn’t tell you,” she said. “You’re intelligent enough to learn that, but…” Alys sighed. “That book was meant for me, so I wouldn’t forget. Silly really, considering I have a photographic memory…. Maybe it wasn’t for me as much as it is for my future descendants. I hate the idea of leaving them without every ounce of my knowledge.”
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