by Jess Dee
An unborn baby.
“She’s worth it,” Matt insisted.
Fear gripped his spine. Lexi and his baby.
“Ad.” Matt snapped his attention back to the table. “She’s the right woman for you.”
Adam knew what he had to do. He’d known for a while now. Not that he wanted to, not on any level. Hell, he’d rather gouge his eyes out with a fork, but there wasn’t a choice. If he didn’t act now, there’d be no way he could ever sort out this whole fucked-up scenario.
Those stitches that had barely held him together had finally snapped. Every last one of them. If he didn’t get his shit together soon, he’d fall apart completely. Lose himself to his pain and desolation. And if he did, he doubted he’d ever find a way back out of it.
With hands as cold as ice, he reached in his briefcase for his mobile phone.
“You phoning her?”
Adam almost laughed out loud. He shook his head. “Travel agent. Change of plans. I won’t be flying home with you when this trip is over.”
…
“You gonna tell me what’s got you so pissed?” Daniel asked. “You’ve been moody for the last three weeks.”
“I told you, I don’t want to talk about it,” Lexi snapped. She’d been mooching around the whole morning, wallowing in self pity. Again.
“Where’s AJ?”
She looked up sharply. “What’s he got to do with it?”
“You tell me.” Daniel unwrapped a chocolate chip muffin, broke off a piece, and set the rest on her desk between them. “I know he’s been away. That the problem? You missing him?”
No. She was too pissed off to miss him.
Okay, maybe she was missing him a bit. Or a lot. But it didn’t ease her rage. She still wanted to spit every time she thought about the man. She was trapped in a world of despising and loving him. She couldn’t seem to see past the cloud of conflicting emotion, couldn’t find a way through it. It overshadowed every aspect of her life.
Even the sibling program, which was about to be launched and was running more smoothly than she’d ever dreamed possible, had lost its sparkle. She found it impossible to get excited about much when her heart had been ripped apart.
There were times over the last few weeks when Lexi had found the strength to put her anger aside and look at the situation logically. During those more rational moments, she’d come to realize Adam wasn’t the self-involved asshole he’d acted like that night. She’d recognized the real man behind the facade. The gentle, tender lover whose capacity for love knew no boundaries. The damaged father who feared intimacy of any kind because he equated love with pain. Years ago, he’d been free to love and to be loved. To lavish affection on those closest to him. His price for that love had been death and divorce.
His reaction to the forgotten condom issue had been an impulsive, self-protective response to an unexpected crisis. She’d pushed him to a point of psychological helplessness, forcing him to confront a grief he’d suppressed for a decade. Adam had found himself defenseless in the very situation he’d feared the most: facing the prospect of becoming a father again. He’d protected himself in the only way he knew how—by pushing her away and dealing with the issue alone.
Hadn’t that been his modus operandi since Timmy died? Confronting the world and its problems alone?
In those rational moments, Lexi hadn’t and wouldn’t condone his behavior, but she’d understood it.
Unfortunately for Adam, those moments were heavily outweighed by the emotional ones. He’d hurt her, he’d insulted her, and he’d pissed her off, and she wasn’t getting over that pain or rejection anytime soon.
“It doesn’t matter,” she told her brother. “It’s over.”
“What’s over?”
“Him and me. Our relationship.”
Daniel’s eyes widened. “What happened?”
She took a piece of his muffin and stuffed it into her mouth. She chewed, swallowed, and stared at her desk, reluctant to talk about something so painful.
“Lex?”
“We had a big barney. A major fight, and I kicked him out.” Minutes before he’d been about to walk out.
Daniel frowned. “You guys looked pretty tight. I thought this was a sure thing.”
“Yeah?” she snapped. “Well, it wasn’t.”
“Hey, I’m not the enemy.”
“Sorry.” It wasn’t fair to take her aggression out on him. Her brother wasn’t the baddy. “I’m just feeling…pretty shitty.”
“I can see that. Tell me about the fight.”
She shook her head. It hurt too much to remember. And pissed her off all over again.
“Lexi…” He used his no-nonsense, big-brother tone of voice.
Well, shoot. If she avoided telling him now, Daniel would only turn up on her doorstep later to get the rest of the story.
She took a shaky breath. “We weren’t fighting at first. We were talking.” They were breaking through some of the barriers Adam had wrapped around himself. They were making progress.
“About?”
“It’s not important.” Yes, it was, but she wouldn’t break Adam’s confidentiality by telling Daniel. “Suffice it to say it was a sensitive subject.”
“And?”
“And Adam was upset. We both were.”
“So you fought?”
If Daniel called hauling out the heavy artillery and blowing their relationship apart fighting, then yes. “But not about the issues we were discussing.”
“I don’t understand.”
Her cheeks burned. How did she explain the finer points of all this to her brother? “We fought about me being pregnant.”
Daniel choked on his muffin. “You’re pregnant?” He spluttered. “I’m going to be an uncle?”
“No. And, no.” A week after Adam had stormed out of her unit, Lexi had gotten her period. Never in all her years since puberty had she celebrated the rites of womanhood like she had that day.
He held out one hand in question and slapped his chest with the other, clearing his throat. “Then why did you fight about it?”
“You know the night of Leona’s dinner?” Dang, this was awkward. “We kind of got carried away.”
Daniel raised a brow.
“We, er, forgot to use protection.”
Her brother raised his other brow.
“It was a mistake,” she muttered.
He nodded. “Of course it was.”
“Well, I wanted to talk about what would happen if I was pregnant, and he didn’t. We argued. I kicked him out. The end.” Only it wasn’t the end. Because the end would imply there was nothing left. Lexi wouldn’t be nursing a crushed heart, a grumpy disposition, and a compulsive yearning to see him again if it were all over.
A tear spilled onto her cheek, surprising her. She wiped it away, unsure if it was an angry tear or a sad one.
“Wait.” Daniel leaned forward. “Did you want to be pregnant?”
“No,” she sighed. “Not now. Sometime in the future, yes, but only under the right circumstances. I want to be settled in a relationship and happy and excited about the prospect of starting a family.”
She took another piece of muffin. She wasn’t hungry; she just hoped eating would distract her from her musings. Maybe the chocolate would make her happy. Nothing else seemed to.
“Does AJ know you’re not pregnant?”
“No.”
“Does he deserve to know?”
“No.”
Daniel gave her a pointed look.
“Maybe.” Or maybe she wanted to punish him. Selfishly hold back the truth to torment him, like he’d tormented her with his selfish arrogance. She sighed. “Yes. I thought I’d wait ’til he got back before I told him.”
“When does he get back?”
“Last week.”
“Ah, right.” Daniel nodded. “Have you spoken to him since the fight?”
“He tried to phone.” Many times. “But I wasn’t ready to talk.” She’d g
one so far as to threaten to disembowel Penny with a pencil if she put any of his calls through to her.
“Are you ready now?”
Lexi shook her head. Then she nodded. Then shook her head again. “Yes. No. Maybe.”
“Very decisive.”
“I love him, Dan.” The muscles in her belly pulled tight enough to make her cramp. “But he’s an asshole and he regrets ever getting involved with me.”
“Want me to beat him up for you?”
Lexi started to laugh, then she started to hiccup, and before she knew it, she was crying. She opened her mouth to apologize for her crazy mood but found herself telling Daniel her whole, sorry story instead. Starting from the fateful meeting in the hotel lobby and ending with the moment she closed the door on Adam.
She didn’t mention Timmy. That wasn’t her tale to tell. But she told her big brother about Adam’s hot and cold behavior, and how she felt cherished by him one minute and unwanted the next.
Daniel listened to every word, and when she was finished, he took a minute to mull over what she’d told him.
“AJ’s an idiot,” he finally said. “But it sounds like he’s a confused idiot.”
“He’s a big, fat idiot,” Lexi pouted.
Daniel grinned, obviously remembering the many times she’d called him that growing up. “Thing is, I watched him at dinner that night. He likes you, Lex. A lot. I suspect he’s halfway in love with you. And falling in love is scary shit. Especially if you say he’s been burned before.”
Lexi rolled her eyes. Adam didn’t know how to love anyone but his son.
“Rolling your eyes isn’t going to help. Neither is avoiding him. You need to tell him there’s no baby. Either it’ll help you sort out this bullshit, or it’ll give you closure, and you can move on.”
Lexi had no idea which one she wanted—another chance at a relationship with Adam and all the risks it came with, or the opportunity to close a door on him forever.
The very thought of speaking to him had her breath coming in sharp bursts.
“You could go see him now.”
“I’m at work.” It was too soon. She wasn’t ready. She couldn’t face him. “The media conference is tomorrow. I can’t leave the hospital. I have too much to do.” It was easier to hide behind work than to pluck up the courage to go to him.
The longer she put off seeing him, the better.
“I thought Abbey had taken over the program?”
“How do you know Abbey?” She’d mentioned she’d hired someone. She hadn’t told Daniel her name.
“I hang around the ward. I get to hear things, meet people.”
Of course he did. Ever since he’d done the photo shoot at POWS, he’d become a regular visitor here. If there was news, Daniel knew it.
“She doing all right at the job?”
“More than all right. She’s brilliant.”
“Then she can manage without you for a while. Go and see him.”
Bugger. Tricky big brother. “I don’t know if I can, Dan.”
“I’m sure Abbey will be fine without you.”
“I’m not talking about Abbey. I don’t know if I can face him.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “What if he hates me? What if he doesn’t want to see me again?”
“And what if he does?”
“Ok, what if I hate him?” Which she did. Just like she loved him.
“Then you’ll tell him your news and leave.”
Dammit. Did he have to be so reasonable?
Lexi picked up a pencil and doodled on her desk pad.
“Phone him,” Daniel insisted.
“I—”
“Don’t procrastinate.” He stood, took the remainder of the muffin with him, and yanked the pencil out of her hand. “Call him now.”
“Okay already.” She rose, too. “Bully.”
“Guilty as charged.” Daniel grinned at her. “Now clear things up with AJ, Lex. I have a feeling he’s waiting for you to contact him.”
Chapter Sixteen
Adam wasn’t waiting for her.
According to Genevieve, he wasn’t even in Sydney. His secretary didn’t know where he was, and if she did, she wasn’t telling the crazy lady who’d stormed into her boss’s office.
Lexi went home with a heavy heart. So much for her chance to face him again.
She and Adam had made incredible progress. They’d forged a bond she knew he’d never have dreamed possible. With a little more time, she was convinced she could have broken down all of his barriers and given him reason to want a future again.
One mistake, one stupid, thoughtless oversight on both of their parts, and everything was ruined. Adam had pulled back, reining in every one of his emotions and bringing their budding relationship to a screeching halt. He’d hurt her, insulted her, and pushed her away again. It baffled her how arrogant and stubborn the man could be when his defenses were up.
If he could drop his emotional barricades, he’d see how good they could be together.
But no, not Adam. He was too damn guarded. He’d searched for a reason not to go the distance with her. The forgotten condom was the perfect excuse. He’d used it as the motive to destroy any chance they might have had.
Or maybe Lexi was mistaken. Maybe she hadn’t gotten as close as she’d thought.
Perhaps she was to blame for everything falling apart. Perhaps, instead of breaking down his defenses, she’d reinforced them. By pushing him to face his past when he wasn’t ready, she’d destroyed their chance at a future.
The doorbell rang, jarring her out of her thoughts.
She didn’t want to see anyone. She wanted to wallow in self-pity alone, away from prying eyes. If she sat quietly and pretended not to be there, maybe whoever it was would go away.
The doorbell rang a second time, and then a third.
“Lexi?”
She froze.
“Open up.”
His voice was muted, but she’d recognize it anywhere.
“Please. Let me in.”
Holy shit. He’d come to her.
What would she do, what would she say? Would it be inappropriate to not say anything? Maybe she could open up, kick him in the shin—or the balls—and slam the door closed.
Or maybe she could grab him by the collar, haul him close, and kiss him. Fuck him right there in the doorway.
“You can’t ignore me forever.”
What if she cried? What if the anxiety and relief of seeing him again were too much and she lost it completely? She’d sobbed all over Daniel earlier.
“Open the door, sweetheart.”
She did, although her hands shook so hard she had trouble with the lock.
And there he was, looking better than she ever remembered. A little thinner, perhaps, but still heart-stoppingly gorgeous.
Those shoulders, those enormous shoulders. She wanted to throw herself between them so he could wrap his arms around her. Then she’d feel safe again, secure in the knowledge that he was back.
Or maybe she could slam her own shoulder into his solar plexus and shove him out of her doorway and out of her life forever. Permanently this time.
Adam greeted her quietly. “We need to talk.”
His voice ripped through her heart like a hurricane. Her ribs constricted, making breathing difficult.
“May I?” He gestured to come in.
She stepped wordlessly aside, terrified of what he’d say. And of what she’d say and how she’d say it.
Adam filled her lounge room. His aftershave left a delicious trail in his wake, and the scent caught Lexi by surprise.
God, he smelled good.
For a brief moment, the prospect of being pregnant with his child didn’t seem so awful—not if it meant she could keep him in her life forever.
She dismissed the thought as soon as it popped into her head.
He sat on her couch, pausing only to place a brown paper bag on the coffee table.
Lexi numbly chose a chair opposite, eyeing the
bag cautiously. Her attention flicked from Adam to the parcel and then, because she couldn’t keep her eyes off him, back to Adam. His beautiful face was expressionless.
There was no sign of the storm that had thundered through him three weeks ago. But then there was no indication of remorse, either. She couldn’t read his mood at all.
“Go ahead. Open it.”
What was it? A peace offering? A restraining order?
“It won’t bite. I promise.”
Was that an attempt at a joke?
No. There was no humor in his eyes, only a steady intensity that made her heart race.
Her silence hung around her. She couldn’t think of a single intelligible thing to say. Better than shooting her mouth off, she supposed, and saying something she’d regret later.
Better to remain quiet until she found the appropriate words to tell him she wasn’t pregnant.
While her head and heart spun crazily, her body danced to an unsteady beat. Every nerve ending flared to life. He was here, meters away, and the physical awareness sent goose bumps skittering over her skin.
It didn’t matter how bad things were between them, the mutual attraction was always there, zapping them both, scorching Lexi with its intensity.
Curiosity got the better of her, and she picked up the bag shakily and peeked inside.
A rational sentence finally formed in her head. “This isn’t necessary,” she told him, thinking it nothing less than a miracle that she could talk. Her tongue was glued to the roof of her mouth.
“It is. I’m a responsible man, and I hold myself accountable for my actions.”
Of course he did. He held himself accountable, and therefore he’d fix it. His way. Lexi gave him a hollow smile and tossed the package on the table. “I don’t need a pregnancy test. I’m not pregnant.”
He sat up straight. “How do you know?”
“I got my period.”
“Oh.” He shook his head. Frowned. “I…uh… Oh.”
He sank back in his chair, silent, and she gave him a minute to digest the news.
Inscrutable emotion filtered through his eyes as he stared past her. Finally, he nodded. “There’s no baby.”
“No, much to your relief, I’m sure, there’s no baby. You’re free to leave.” He’d come to her of his own volition—to resolve his unfinished business. Now that the business was settled, what reason did he have to remain? “You’ve fulfilled your duty. You’ve got your answer. There really is no reason for you to be here any longer.”
