by Jin Yong
“‘This is a big secret,’ Big Brother Linghu said in a confidential tone. ‘Brother Tian, since I am having a good chat with you, I might as well tell you. But never let this out, otherwise it can cause great upheaval in the entire Martial World. Three months ago, the five Head Masters of the Five Mountains Sword Alliance had a meeting at Mount Huashan to discuss the skills of the famous Kung Fu masters in the Martial World. While they were in a good mood, they decided to rank the masters in the Martial World just for fun. Brother Tian, to be frank, although the five Masters really disliked your personality, they had great regard for your Kung Fu skills. Fighting while standing up, you can be ranked at number fourteen.’”
Priest Tian-Men and Sister Dingyi exclaimed in unison, “Linghu Chong was talking nonsense! Nothing like that ever happened!”
“So Big Brother Linghu was just fooling him again?” Yilin asked. “Well, Tian Boguang didn’t completely believe him either. He said, ‘The Head Masters of the Five Mountains Sword Alliance are all outstanding and famous martial artists in the Martial World. They actually ranked me at number fourteen? That is really overwhelming. So brother Linghu, did you present your smelly Toilet Sword Art in front of the five Head Masters? If not, how did they rank you at number two?’
“Big Brother Linghu said with a grin, ‘This Toilet Sword Art would be too embarrassing to show in public, especially in front of the five Head Masters. The sword art looks very ugly, but the moves are very ferocious. I was discussing it with some masters from heretical clans, and they all thought that nobody except Chief Dongfang could defeat the sword art. But brother Tian, I have to say that even though my sword art is very fierce, besides using it to kill flies when sitting on a toilet, it is really quite useless. Think about it, when you are really fighting with somebody, who would agree to sit down and not move? Even though we agreed to fight sitting down, as soon as you start to lose, of course you would get mad and stand up. You are ranked at number fourteen fighting while standing up, so with no effort, you could easily split me, the number two fighting while sitting down, into halves with just one chop. See, your number fourteen fighting while standing up is the real thing, and my number two fighting while sitting down is just a novel trick. It’s nothing to be proud of.’
“‘Hmm, brother Linghu, you are really glib,’ Tian Boguang said. ‘How do you know I will definitely lose to you fighting while sitting down? How do you know I will get mad and stand up to kill you?’
“‘Well,’ Big Brother Linghu said, ‘if you agree not to kill me after you lose, then I won’t insist on the enu…eunuch rule. So you won’t have to worry about having no descendants. Ok, enough talk already, let’s fight!’
“He raised his arm and flipped the table. The table, together with all the wine kettles and bowls, flew to the side. The two just sat there, face to face. One held a knife; the other grabbed hold of a sword.
“‘Go ahead,’ Big Brother Linghu yelled, ‘start your attack! Whoever stands up first – his butt leaving the chair – loses.’
“‘All right!’ Tian Boguang also yelled. ‘Let’s see who’s going to stand up first!’
“Right before they started fighting, Tian Boguang glanced at me and then suddenly burst into loud laughter. ‘Brother Linghu,’ he said, ‘well done! So you have set up an ambush in advance, and intentionally set limits on my actions. As we fight while sitting down, not being able to leave the chair, all your helpers will rush out – or even if they don’t, just this little nun playing some trick behind my back might force me to stand up.’
“Big Brother Linghu also laughed loudly. ‘If anyone helps me, then Linghu Chong is the loser. Little nun, do you want me to win or lose?’
“‘Of course I want you to win,’ I said. ‘When you fight while sitting down, you are the second best in the world, so you won’t lose to him.’
“‘Good,’ Big Brother Linghu said. ‘Then please go! The quicker the better, the further the merrier! With a bald headed little nun in front of me, I don’t need to go through the motions, I will have already lost.’ He did not wait for Tian Boguang to comment and thrust his sword at him.
“Tian Boguang waved his knife and blocked the attack. ‘Outstanding!’ he smiled. ‘Outstanding! What a great plan to rescue the little nun. Brother Linghu, you are truly a babe…babe-hound. But the risk is a bit too high this time.’
“By then I finally realized: Big Brother Linghu’s mentioning again and again that whoever stands up first loses was to give me a chance to run away. Tian Boguang could not leave his chair, so of course he would not be able to catch me.”
Hearing this, the listeners all praised, in their hearts, the great effort Linghu Chong had made. His skills were not as good as Tian Boguang’s. Other than by using this stratagem, there really wasn’t any other way to help Yilin get away.
“The words ‘babe-hound’ etc. are all rude words. Never mention them again. Don’t ever even think about them in your heart,” Dingyi admonished.
Yilin lowered her head. “Yes, Master. So those were rude words too. I see.”
“So you left right away, right?” Dingyi asked. “Once Tian Boguang killed Linghu Chong, you wouldn’t be able to get away anymore.”
“Yes,” Yilin said. “Big Brother Linghu urged me again and again, so finally I bowed to him and said, ‘Thank you, apprentice brother Linghu, for saving me!’ Then I turned around to leave. When I got to the stairway, I heard Tian Boguang shouting, ‘Gotcha!’ When I looked back, two drops of blood splashed onto my clothes. Big Brother Linghu had taken a cut to the shoulder.
“Tian Boguang smirked, ‘Well, I think your number two ranking sword art while sitting down is really nothing special!’
“‘The little nun is still here,’ Big Brother Linghu said, ‘how am I to beat you? I am doomed to fail from bad luck!’
“I figured since Big Brother Linghu really disliked nuns, if I stayed any longer, he might really die because of me, so I rushed down the stairs. After I got out of the wine house, I could still hear all the clang of metal made by the sword and knife.
“Then Tian Boguang shouted again, ‘Gotcha!’ I was very worried and knew that Big Brother Linghu must have taken another cut, but I dared not to go up to the wine house again. I climbed up the roof of the wine house from the side of the building, and bent over the roof to look inside the window. What I saw was very frightening. Big Brother Linghu was still fighting fiercely with his sword, with blood all over him. Tian Boguang, on the other hand, was not hurt at all.
“After another while, Tian Boguang shouted again, ‘Gotcha!’ He slashed Big Brother Linghu’s left arm and then pulled back his knife. ‘Brother Linghu, I am being nice this time!’ he said with a smile.
“‘I know. If you had cut a little deeper, my left arm would be gone by now!’ Big Brother Linghu answered, also with a smile.
“Master, how was he still able to smile in such a bad condition?
“‘You still want to fight?’ Tian Boguang asked.
“‘Of course I do! Did I stand up?’ Big Brother Linghu said.
“‘I suggest you give it up and stand up!’ Tian Boguang said. ‘Forget about the bet. You don’t have to ask that little nun to be your master.’
“Big Brother Linghu said, ‘For a true man, once his word is out, even a wagon with four horses cannot drag it back. I gave my word; I am still accountable.’
“Tian Boguang complimented him, ‘I’ve seen many tough guys before. But this is the first time I see a true hero, brother Linghu. Fine! Let’s call it a tie and stop right here, alright?’
“Big Brother Linghu just looked at him with a smile and said nothing. Blood kept flowing from his different wounds and dripping onto the wood floor. Tian Boguang lowered his knife and was just about to stand up when he suddenly remembered that he would have lost if he had stood up. His body had moved upward a little when he quickly sat back down and did not leave the chair.
“‘Brother Tian, you are clever!’ Big Brother Linghu grinn
ed.”
Everyone could not help but let out an “Ah” of pity for Linghu Chong.
Yilin continued. “Tian Boguang picked up his knife again. ‘I am going to use my fast strokes now,’ he said. ‘If I wait any longer, the little nun will have run to wonderland, and I won’t be able to keep up with her anymore.’
“I trembled when I heard his words. I also worried that Big Brother Linghu might get killed by him, but I had no clue as to what to do next. Then a thought popped into my head: Big Brother Linghu fought so hard against him just to rescue me. The only way to save Big Brother Linghu’s life was to commit suicide right in front of them. So I unsheathed the broken sword by my waist, ready to jump into the wine house. Right at that moment, Big Brother Linghu’s body swayed suddenly, and he collapsed onto the floor together with his chair. He pushed on the ground with his hands and struggled to get up with the chair at his back, but he was so badly wounded that he just couldn’t get up.
“Tian Boguang was quite content, and with a big smile on his face, he said, ‘Number two for sitting down. What rank for crawling?’ With those words, he stood up.
“Big Brother Linghu burst into loud laughter. ‘You lost!’ he said.
“Tian Boguang laughed hard. ‘You were just defeated in such an embarrassing manner, and you are calling me a loser?’
“‘What did we agree on?’ Big Brother Linghu asked while lying on the floor.
“‘We agreed that we fight while sitting down,’ Tian Boguang answered, ‘and whoever stands up first – his butt leaving the chair – is…is…is…!’ He stuttered the word ‘is’ three times but could not finish his sentence. He could only point at Big Brother Linghu with his finger in disbelief. He had just realized that this was a trick and he had been fooled. He had already stood up, but Big Brother Linghu had not stood up and his rear end was still touching the chair. Although his body was in a very embarrassing position, but according to the agreement, he had already won.”
People in the hall started applauding and cheering. Only Yu Canghai gave a disgruntled snort and scoffed, “A rascal playing unscrupulous tricks with the rapist Tian Boguang; what an embarrassment to all decent schools!”
“What kind of crap is that?” Dingyi said angrily. “A true man fights with his brain, not his muscles. I did not see any one in your Qingcheng Sword School act so bravely.” Hearing from Yilin about how Linghu Chong had saved the Heng-Shan Sword School’s reputation with no regard to his own safety, she felt very thankful deep in her heart, and had already disregarded all negative thoughts about Linghu Chong.
Yu Canghai snorted. “What a wonderful crawling young hero!”
“Your Qingcheng Sword School…!” Dingyi started yelling when Liu Zhengfeng cut her short, afraid to see conflict between them again.
“Nephew apprentice, did Tian Boguang admit defeat?” he asked Yilin.
“Tian Boguang stood there staring blankly at the floor and could not make up his mind,” Yilin went on.
“‘Little apprentice sister of the Heng-Shan Sword School, you can come down now,’ Big Brother Linghu shouted. ‘Congratulations on getting a first-class apprentice!’ It turned out that he already knew I was sneaking about on the roof.
“Tian Boguang is a bad man, but he does keep his word. He could have just stepped up and killed Big Brother Linghu easily with a single blow, and then turned around to catch me, but he simply shouted out, ‘Little nun, listen up! If you ever dare see me again, I will finish you off with a single chop.’
“I never wanted to have the villain as my apprentice in the first place, so his words were like music to my ears. Tian Boguang shoved his knife back into its sheath, and then stormed out of the wine house. I then jumped down into the wine house, helped Big Brother Linghu up, and took out the ‘Heavenly Connecting Glue’ to put on his wounds. After counting the wounds, I found up to thirteen different ones on his body….”
“Sister Dingyi, congratulations!” Yu Canghai suddenly cut in.
“Congratulation for what?” Dingyi gave him a hard stare.
“Congratulations for getting such a reputable and master-level new grand-apprentice!”
Dingyi was enraged. She struck the table heavily and stood up.
“Master Yu, you’re at fault this time. How can we Taoists make such silly jokes?” Priest Tian-Men cut in.
Knowing that first of all, he was in the wrong, and secondly, Priest Tian-Men would be a tough opponent, Yu Canghai turned his head away and pretended not to hear anything.
Yilin continued, “I finished dressing Big Brother Linghu’s wounds and then helped him up to sit on the chair. Big Brother Linghu was breathing very heavily. ‘Would you please pour a bowl of wine for me?’ he requested. I poured the wine and handed him the bowl. Then footsteps came from the stairway, and two men walked in. He was one of the two.” She pointed at the Qingcheng apprentice who had carried Luo Renjie’s body in a while ago. Then she said, “The other one was the villain Luo Renjie. They looked at me and then looked at Big Brother Linghu and then looked back at me with very impolite stares.”
The listeners all thought: when Luo Renjie and his companion saw the blood-covered Linghu Chong sitting together with a beautiful nun in the wine house, and the little nun was pouring wine for him, they would certainly feel very awkward. Then staring impolitely would not be an unusual reaction.
Yilin kept on telling the story. “Big Brother Linghu glanced at Luo Renjie and then asked, ‘Apprentice sister, do you know what Kung Fu the Qingcheng Sword School is best at?’
“‘I don’t know. I heard that the Qingcheng Sword School has many good Kung Fu skills,’ I replied.
“‘Correct!’ Big Brother Linghu said. ‘The Qingcheng Sword School has many good Kung Fu skills. But the best one, ha-ha, I’d better not mention it to avoid conflict.’ Then he gave Luo Renjie a stare back.
“Hearing his words, Luo Renjie rushed forward. ‘Which one is the best one? Spit it out!’ he yelled.
“‘I didn’t want to say it,’ Big Brother Linghu smirked. ‘But you really want me to say it, right? It’s a move called ‘Bum Bum Back, Geese Landing in Sand’.’
“Luo Renjie struck the table with his palm and bellowed, ‘Nonsense! What is ‘Bum Bum Back, Geese Landing in Sand’? I’ve never heard of it!’
“‘This is the very special skill of your respectful school, how can you not have heard about it?’ Big Brother Linghu chuckled. ‘Turn around, I’ll show you the move.’
“Luo Renjie started swearing at Big Brother Linghu and suddenly threw a punch at him. Big Brother Linghu tried to stand up and dodge it, but because he had lost too much blood and did not have much strength to move, he tumbled and then sat back down on the chair. The punch landed squarely on his nose. Blood immediately started flowing. Luo Renjie punched him again and I hurriedly blocked his fist with my hand.
“‘Don’t hit him!’ I demanded. ‘Can’t you see he is badly wounded? Bullying a badly wounded man, what kind of a man are you?’
“Luo Renjie scolded, ‘Ha, this little nun thinks this rascal is so handsome and has fallen for him! Get out of the way. If you don’t, I’ll beat you up too.’
“‘If you dare to hit me, I’ll tell your Master Yu.’ I threatened.
“‘Ha-ha, you didn’t follow your nun rules and violated the moral prohibitions; anyone can punish you,’ Luo said. Master, wasn’t he wronging innocent people?
“He poked his left hand toward me. I tried to block it, but didn’t notice it was a feint. Then his right hand suddenly stretched out and pinched my left cheek. He began to laugh loudly. I was very angry and fought back with three palm heel strikes, but he dodged them all.
“‘Apprentice sister,’ Big Brother Linghu called out to me. ‘Don’t fight him. Let me get my breathing going, then I’ll be just fine.’ I turned to look at him; his face was so pale.
“Luo Renjie ran to him and punched at him again. Big Brother Linghu deflected Luo’s punch with his left palm and redirected it, which
turned Luo’s own body around, and then he threw a kick and it landed right on his…his rear end. The kick was quick and accurate, swift and smooth. Luo Renjie could not keep his balance and rolled all the way down the stairs.
“‘Apprentice sister,’ Big Brother Linghu whispered to me. ‘This is their Qingcheng Sword School’s best move called ‘Bum Bum Back, Geese Landing in Sand.’ Bum Bum back is where they get ready to be kicked, then geese landing…landing…in sand. Don’t you think it was an accurate description?’
“I wanted to laugh, but I became really worried when I saw his face getting paler and paler. ‘Take a rest, and don’t talk,’ I said. Blood gushed out from his wounds again, obviously because he used too much strength when he threw the kick and the wounds opened up again.
“Luo Renjie rushed back immediately, after rolling down the staircase, with a sword in his hand this time. ‘You are Huashan Linghu Chong, aren’t you?’ he yelled.
“Big Brother Linghu grinned. ‘You are already the third master of your respectful school who used this ‘Bum Bum Back, Geese Landing in Sand’ on me. No wonder…no wonder….’ He started to cough badly. Fearing that Luo Renjie might harm him, I drew my sword and stood by his side, guarding him.
“Luo Renjie turned to his fellow apprentice. ‘Junior apprentice Li, you deal with this little nun,’ he commanded. The Li villain answered and unsheathed his sword to attack me.
“While defending myself with my sword, I saw Luo Renjie thrusting his sword again and again at Big Brother Linghu, and Big Brother Linghu could hardly raise his sword to fend him off. He was really in great danger. After several rounds, Big Brother Linghu’s sword fell down to the floor. Luo Renjie thrust his sword out, and placed the point of his sword at Big Brother Linghu’s chest and smirked, ‘If you call me Grandfather of Qingcheng three times, I’ll spare your life.’
“‘Sure, I will! I will!’ Big Brother Linghu smiled. ‘After I call you that, are you going to teach me your school’s famous Bum Bum Back, Geese Landing…?’ Before he could even finish this sentence, Luo Renjie the villain pushed his sword forward and stabbed the sword into Big Brother Linghu’s chest. The villain was so ruthless…!”
