I did not scream, and that is why I still know everything. But I have to speak about it, I have no choice.
So then listen to what my mother told me:
He did not say so clearly, but he thought it: You exist only because I want to have a son. Let him think that; it would not have really mattered that much. He did not have to know that I had tormented myself for a long time, pondering that I could not lie like that forever while nothing changed. I yearned to stand up, but I could not do so on my own. I need a man (I thought to myself) who would stand up in my place. Perhaps the top of his head will reach the sky. That would be good; I will be glad to obey him. If I had not had those thoughts, everything would still be the same as at the beginning. He did not have to know that.
And I bore him the son. First came your sister, then you, and then two more girls. I was quite content; it was almost as I had imagined it. And for a while, things went well.
One day, he said: "Tomorrow I am going to war."
"Must you?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied.
On the other side of the ocean, there was a great city. The people were more splendid than we. One could see their splendor when they came in their ships to trade with us. They brought things that we did not have. They also looked down at us, it was noticeable. Perhaps they are not peaceful people, I thought to myself, and they may attack us if we do not strike first. That was why I inquired no further. It would have been better had I done so.
In the morning, he went to the ships, which lay ready, and he said: "You are to rule as long as I am away, so that when I return, I will find everything in order."
"Very good," I said.
"And raise the children." You were all standing there. You were not yet grown up.
"Very good," I said.
"And if something should happen requiring a man, then turn to this one here." He pointed to his half-brother, who had been fathered with a maid. The half-brother lived with us in the palace and ate at our table.
"Very good," I said again. Then he boarded the ship. A lot of young men were sailing along to war. They were singing. It could be heard far across the sea. But the mothers and wives were weeping.
For a long time, nothing was heard from the other side. Meanwhile, we lived without the men and kept the house in order. Then a ship came. We were overjoyed upon seeing it; for we thought: Now the war is over. But the order came: Send more young men and ships. It is not so simple.
I carried out the order and sent the men. They too were singing as they sailed off.
The next year, it was exactly the same. Again ships came and took men back. We asked them: Is it bad? But we only had to look at them. One lacked a hand, the other a leg, or else their faces were lumps of flesh. They were also filthy, they spat indoors and cursed loudly when they did not get their way. We had trouble making them feel at home again. They also told us about the many who would never come again because they were lying in foreign soil. Thus our sorrow grew.
This went on for several years. Then came the order: "Send me the eldest daughter. I have promised her to a foreign king, who will be helping us with his people. Otherwise we cannot win." I obeyed. Ah, if only I had not obeyed! The child had grown into a maiden, tall and slender. Everyone delighted in her. I told her to put on a white gown. She stood at the stern of the ship, gazing back. I could not help her anymore. I stared at the white gown for a long time; eventually it was only a dot and then nothing. Weeping, I went home with you from the harbor. You were almost grown up. "What will that foreign king do with her," I said to you. "She is too tender for him." But your eyes were feverish.
Then came the order: "Send me the son. He is now old enough to continue the war for me if I die in battle." Now, at last, I said: No! It is enough! But it was too late. You took your weapons and jumped aboard ship. I ran after you. I called you from the shore. You sat at the tip of the boat, gazing in the direction of the war. You did not sing. And you did not look back even once. When the ship ground away from the harbor wall, something was crushed inside me.
I went home. I did not weep. The half-brother was standing at the palace entrance, and he saw me coming. As I walked past him, he said to me: "Now it is enough."
"Come," I said to him, and he followed me.
I noticed that I was growing old, that was why I took him along. I ignored the two other girls, nothing mattered. They were growing up somewhere in the palace. One of them hated me. Her hatred made her twisted and scraggy. The other one, however, was still a tender blossom, ah.
The half-brother was a strong man. Still, one could tell that he had been born of a maid. His neck was as round as a tree trunk and without the good furrow that you have. One could also tell by the way he walked: he walked through his big toe. But I closed my eyes.
He was very devoted to me, but secretly he thought: One day, I will be king. I acted as if I did not know.
He told me: "On the other side — it is well known — they are wallowing with foreign women in the tents!" And I replied: "Never mind! That is not it!"
Let them have pleasure with foreign women if it does them good. For that was really not it. Rumors passed back and forth across the ocean. Nothing mattered to me. I made no secret of it. You men must have found out about it too.
My mother sighed and kept silent for a while. Softly, I said to her: "I found out one night. They were sitting around the fire. We were standing guard in the open fields. I was lying a bit off to the side, and they thought I was sleeping. They whispered about it. At first, I wanted to leap up and kill them. But I was deeply ashamed and I pretended to be asleep. Now I can no longer be one of them, I told myself, and from then on, I was only like the king's son. The next morning, I had to go to the king's tent to receive his orders. He scrutinized me. If only he does not notice, I thought to myself Then he looked away and spoke about the war as usual. I peered at him from the side to see if he knew it. But I could not find out."
"He knew it," said my mother, sighing again. Then she went on with her story:
After many years, the war suddenly ended. You men had destroyed the city and killed all the people. In the east, a cloud of filthy smoke hung in the sky for weeks.
"What should we do?" the half-brother asked me. "Wait," I said.
Then the ships came back. First it was only like a speck of dust that has flown into one's eye. Then it was like a swarm of mosquitoes on the horizon, bigger and bigger, like a cloud, and finally we could see that those were ships.
"We have to decide," the half-brother said.
"Wait," I said.
I saw that he was afraid. He wanted to run away, but I enjoyed holding him back.
"There are too many of them," he wailed. "Once they are ashore, it will be too late."
"Wait," was all I said. For I knew that they would instantly run to their women and relax. They are all like that.
The ships came closer. The sails were already being lowered. One could hear the screeching of the coils. Then the ships glided into the harbor and were moored.
"Hide in the cellar," I told the half-brother.
"What are you planning?" he asked, hesitating.
"That is my concern, not yours," I told him. He still hesitated. He did not trust me. He thought I was going to hand him over.
"Hide in the cellar!" I snapped. "I will call you when it is time." Now he had to obey me, and he hid in the cellar. It was too late to flee anyhow. I, however, stood with the two girls on the palace stairs, waiting for them to come.
And you men came. The man who was my husband led them. His hair had turned gray and his mouth was creased and tired.
"He had slept on the ship," I interrupted my mother. "'Do not wake me until we are home,' he had told us. I would have liked to wake him earlier; for I wanted to talk to him. I was worried about how we should act when we landed. But I did not dare wake him. He was so tired."
"That was how it was," said my mother. Then she went on:
I greeted him as victor
in front of the entire populace, as is customary. He thanked me in front of the entire populace for maintaining the homeland for them, as is customary.
"Are these all?" I asked, pointing at the troops.
"Many have fallen," he replied. He said that they must not be forgotten, and that the fallen would always have to sit at the table with us.
"Why is my half-brother not here?" he then asked.
"He has gone into the city to make sure that no disorder occurs," I replied.
"What sort of disorder?" he asked.
"When soldiers come home, they have a difficult time getting accustomed to peace," I said.
"Very well," he said. "There is no hurry. But I must arrest my half-brother. He did not send us enough men and weapons, as I demanded. This put us in a terrible predicament, and the war lasted longer. I owe it to the fallen to put him on trial. If he is innocent, all the better."
"Do whatever you feel is right," I said.
"However, this will be our last military action," he said to the men. "Now go to your homes and do not forget that we have peace." Then he dismissed them, and the people scattered.
We were still standing on the stairs of the palace.
"Who is that standing by you like a watchdog?" I asked him.
"It is our son,' he replied.
"If he is my son, why does he not greet me?"
"Greet your mother," he told you.
"Must you first order him to do so?" I asked.
"It was the custom in the war."
You shook my hand coldly. I wanted to embrace you but you slipped away.
"I sent you a different son," I said to the man. "This is not the right one. What have you done to him?"
"Once we have laid down our weapons, you will recognize him. Have patience with us," he said.
He sent the two girls indoors. He also sent you away. But you did not leave immediately, you remained there, gazing at him. He asked you what you wanted. But you were unable to speak.
"Ah, Mother, I was so afraid for him," I exclaimed.
"I know, I know," she said, stroking my hand. Then she went on with her story:
You were supposed to go to the city, and if any tumult were caused by drunken homecomers, you were to restore peace and quiet. That was his wish. When you still did not go, he said, smiling:
"I can no longer order you. But I can ask my son." Then you went. You repeatedly looked back, but he did not summon you.
Now we were alone. I asked him if he wanted to go indoors and bathe.
"Not yet," he said. "First we want to confer as to whether we can get our destiny to change its mind."
"I do not know what you mean," I answered.
He called for wine, and it was brought.
"Let us sit here, so that the city may see us, and we can be an example for everyone. Soon it will be evening. Let us sit here like two old people who have a hard day's work behind them and can now rest," he said.
"What has made us old?" I screamed.
Suddenly, the daughter who hated me stood in the doorway. He saw that she wanted to tell him something. But he did not want to hear it; patting her cheek, he said: "If we have had to wait ten years, we can wait until tomorrow. It cannot be that urgent." So she had to leave.
"We have made mistakes," he turned back to me, "but we can make up for them if we prevent our mistakes from burdening our children."
"Where is my eldest daughter?" I cried.
"I am not worried about her. When I saw her, I knew that wherever she goes, it becomes brighter," he replied.
"You bartered her to a soldier. He will defile her with his blood-stained hands," I cried.
"I am a soldier too," he said, "but one is not always a soldier. Look!" And I saw him pouring a powder into the wine. "If we both drink it, we will not have to argue anymore. The populace will say: They endured until the end, and when they met again, they died of joy. They will place us in one grave. They will bring the children and grandchildren there and remind them: You must be like these two. Our son will rule here, and everything will have its order."
That was what he said to me, and I understood him precisely. And I shouted at him: "You sold my daughter and ruined her. You took my son from me; for he will never lay down his arms and become my son, the weapons have grown into him. The country is denuded of young men and impoverished by your war. But I was deceived of all happiness. Go to your rest if you are worn out by your deeds. But I want to live and see what I have left."
"Very good," he said. "For the children's sake, it is better for us to be quiet. I will now go indoors, as you wish, to bathe." I signaled the half-brother, and we killed him in the bath.
Here, my mother lapsed into a long silence, and I too could say nothing. We gazed across the heath, where evening was gathering. We were both very sad. Finally, I heard her voice again:
"The poisoned wine is still standing there."
"Yes, I see it," I said. "It ought to be poured out. Someone might drink it. The children or whoever."
"Let it stand," she answered. "I will watch out."
We lapsed into another long silence. The cat sat a bit off to the side, staring fixedly at something in the moor, something I could not see. I would have preferred our pouring out the wine. I found it unpleasant that it was still standing there.
"You should have drunk of it as he wanted," I said to my mother.
"Do you think so?"
"Yes, it was the only possibility."
"We say that now," she sighed. "But it must have been impossible. Otherwise I would have done so."
"He could also have given me a hint," I cried irately. "After all, I was the son."
"That was why he relied on you wordlessly."
"But he burdened me with it," I moaned loudly. "Oh, why did I not know that earlier."
"Because you are a man," she said.
"What do you mean? Did the women know?"
"Yes."
"Did they learn it from you?"
"They simply know it," she said. "When the moon changes, we know it, every one of us."
"No woman ever spoke to me about it."
"Because you are a man," my mother smiled. "Not even the men who took care of you and who tried to rearrange the world knew everything. They were good people, I must not say anything against them, and they wanted what is best. But they were only men. You can now see for yourself, it does not last."
I felt utterly wretched. "Oh, Mother, what should I do now?" I asked her. "You are so beautiful that I am astonished, and I would not wish to stop looking at you. But now I am supposed to hurt you. Oh, I would rather drink up the wine."
"Not that," said my mother, holding her hand over the cup. "Before darkness comes, and you grow utterly weary, let me finish my story."
The half-brother said to his men: "Now I am the master!" You see, there were men who sided with him, malcontents, and men who obey anyone who issues orders. He ordered them: "Announce in the city that the war is over because I have killed the man who started it. Anyone who rebels is an enemy of peace."
I wanted to stop it. For I knew that he meant you. "It would be better if we first took the ships," I advised him. I wanted you to have time to flee.
"No, first the city," he insisted.
"The man who has the ships has the power."
"The ships will not sail away."
I could not talk him out of it. He was not that stupid. We argued long and loudly. The guards in the courtyards must have heard us. That annoyed him. "You understand nothing about this," he yelled at me. "You are only a woman. Go inside." And since I would not go, he added: “Now I am the master!"
I believe he would have struck me if we had been alone. While we were arguing, the night descended. We stood in the dark. I looked at the ocean, but now there was nothing to see. We were standing on the stairs in front of the palace.
"Torches here!" he shouted, his voice breaking.
"Why light?" I said. They brought torches; their fitful glo
w danced red above the courtyard. The half-brother excitedly hurried back and forth. He was waiting for news from the city. I leaned against the wall, in the shadows. The dead man lay behind us, in the house.
Suddenly, there was a shout from the distance: Attention!
The shout came closer. Finally, the guards at the gates to the courtyard also shouted: Attention! Then you came. All alone. "Close the gates!" the half-brother ordered. They did so. "Seize him!" he ordered further. But this they did not dare. "Do not be afraid," you said, and tossed your sword over to them. "You can see that I am unarmed."
"What do you want?" asked the half-brother.
"Are you the master now?" you asked.
"I am."
"I do not believe it."
"You will believe it."
"So long as I am richer than you, I am the master. But you can have my treasures if you wish. I am sick of fighting. You can rule alone if you care to."
"Tell me precisely what you want," asked the half-brother. "Give me the corpse of the previous master," you said. "I want to sail away with it and bury him where we fought."
"I will never give it to you," said the half-brother. He was afraid you wanted to show the corpse to the populace and stir it up.
"Fine," you replied. "Then kill me. But you will not get the treasures."
The half-brother grew uneasy. One could tell by his voice. "You are lying," he shouted, "you have nothing."
"Do you imagine that we returned like paupers after waging war for ten years and conquering a great city? We have brought back more riches than we ever possessed. One can buy a whole country for them and equip a huge army and wreak vengeance if one cares to. The man who has the treasures is the master. That is the way it is."
"You are lying all the same," the half-brother cried. "Where are the things you are boasting about?"
"Where should they be?" you jeered at him. "In the belly of the ship, of course. You can inspect them first before striking our bargain. But do not think that you can take any of them without me. We are not that stupid. There are several reliable men aboard ship. If anyone attacks it, they will scuttle it. They are scuttling it tomorrow in any case. The dead man ordered us to do so. At daybreak, he ordered, if you have heard nothing from me, then you need wait no longer. The men will obey. We are used to it from the other side. Then you can go diving for the treasures."
An Offering for the Dead Page 10
