by Wallace Ford
Only the nagging feeling that I was missing something woke me up at some point. Otherwise I might have slept right through the evening and into the morning. The combination of the sun, the run, the salt air, the drive from the city and the total change of environment lifted the stress of the past few months and transported me to a land of deep, dreamless sleep.
But there was business to be done and now was the time. I sprang out of bed and dressed quickly and carefully. I entered the living room area of Gordon’s sprawling manse just in time to see Jerome, Diedre, Kenitra, and Gordon sipping Henri de Cazenove champagne from exquisite crystal flutes while watching the setting sun cast its last light on the ocean. They were taking all of this in through the octagonal picture window that seemed to take up the entire side of the house.
CHAPTER 73
Jerome
When you wish upon a star …
“Counselor! I see that you have gotten your sorely needed beauty rest.”
Since Paul was the reason that we were all at Gordon’s, it seemed fair to let loose a few jokes at his expense. And I knew that he wouldn’t mind.
“Actually, Jerome, he was waiting for room service. With all of the gorgeous women coming to Gordon’s party tomorrow night, he was hoping that he might get lucky and that one of the really early arrivals would get lost looking for her … bathing suit.” Diedre had a way with words that could dazzle and dice at the same time.
“Actually, Diedre, since this is the first time that we are going to be sleeping under the same roof in almost twenty years, I was hoping that you might come tap-tap-tapping at my chamber door. But my hopes and dreams have died a sad and bitter death.”
We all had to laugh at that last line. Paul could be genuinely funny at times. But I could swear that I saw Paul and Diedre exchange a look that I didn’t quite understand at the time.
“Well, folks, it’s time to eat and get down to business. Kenitra is going to have her dinner upstairs so that we can take care of business.”
Gordon kissed her as one might kiss a mule or a favorite automobile. There was nothing resembling affection or emotion. But then, what was new?
Dinner was served by Gordon’s almost invisible housekeeper and her assistant. There were incredible raw oysters, an excellent radicchio salad and grilled swordfish that Gordon confirmed was fresh caught—by him. Along with the Schlumberger Riesling, the meal was excellent.
And then, over espresso and port wine and Sambucca, we engaged in small talk. We talked about everything and nothing. And then it was time to get down to business. We had all read the documents that Paul had produced after countless conference calls with our lawyers. I had read my version at least a dozen times.
We all reviewed the documents one last time. By now it was close to eleven o’clock. It was late for me, but time was really not the issue that night. When Paul finished getting all the documents signed with executed copies circulated to all three of us, I could swear that a full two minutes of total silence went by. Something just told me that I had to say something or we might wind up just standing there all night.
“Paul, we all know that when we had lunch with you at the Water Club that day, we were friends and acquaintances. But partners? That was not part of the deal. We all were going our separate ways.” I usually feel more comfortable pacing when I talk, and I did pace and talk that evening.
“I don’t think that any of us were dead set against the idea of our being partners. Frankly, and I think I speak for my new partners, none of us had ever really thought of it.
“And then you came up with your bright idea and everything has changed for all of us. For better or worse we are all in the same boat now, and I keep thinking about what you said at the Water Club. We are making history and we are going to make even more history. This is one of those great moments that people are going to be talking about for a long time.
“Paul, you have been a friend to each of us over the years. And we all have thought of you as being a pretty good lawyer. Now you are our lawyer. And now you are a damn great lawyer!
“I can only imagine the grief and pure bullshit that you have had to put up with in trying to help us put this deal together. Getting the three of us on the same page could not possibly be an easy task.” We all had to laugh at that last line. I continued to pace and talk. I really felt like this was something that I had to say.
“I know I am not a cuddly kitten when it comes to business and I can’t imagine that Diedre is either. And then, of course, there is Gordon.” We laughed again, but many times the truth is spoken in jest.
“Thank you, Paul. It has been great. And it’s going to be great.”
“Jerome, I am going to risk repeating what you have already said.” There was no way that Gordon was not going to have something to say. But on a night like this, it was all right.
“Jerome and Diedre, I propose a toast to our new partnership, to our new firm, and to the best goddamned lawyer I have ever known.” We touched glasses and began to drink.
“And Paul, you’re not too bad yourself.”
I had to hand it to Gordon. His timing with lines like that were just perfect. The moment collapsed into friendly laughter and relief. The deal was done! We were partners and our new firm was being born in front of our eyes.
As the day before the last weekend before Labor Day came to an end on the eastern tip of Long Island, it was as if a new reality, a new universe, was coming into being. That is certainly how I felt.
At that moment, everything, everything seemed possible. Our collective hopes and dreams were more than possible, they were going to come true. I just knew it.
“Paul, I just realized something.” Diedre had something to say, and we all got a little quiet. She could carve a brother up with that tongue of hers.
“You aren’t a lawyer at all! You must be a magician or a wizard, or something. To get me to join up with these two? I should have my head examined.
“But while I am waiting for an appointment with my psychiatrist, I know that we all owe you a debt of gratitude and thanks and … final payment of your bill.” Diedre has a way of making the most serious of points with a smile on her face. And this was one of those times. And we all knew that she meant every word that she said.
I could tell that, for what had to be one of the few times in his life, Paul was without words. That should have been a memorable moment in and of itself. But that moment ended soon enough, and just at the right time.
“Thank you, all of you. A good idea doesn’t mean a damn thing if there aren’t good people with vision who know what to do with it. Diedre, Jerome, Gordon, you are certainly all different, incredibly different people. But, after all these months of being the middleman, I will let you in on a secret … you are also very much alike.
“You all like to win. All of you simply have to win to make it worthwhile. And I understand that and respect that.” By now Paul really did have our undivided attention. It wasn’t that often that I heard myself analyzed, and certainly not so correctly.
“And another thing. I don’t care what you tell everyone else. You are all dreamers. All of you. You dreamed up the firms that you started. You dreamed the success that you achieved. And now, with this merger, you are dreaming again.
“I have never met a group of people with the drive and the talent and the ability that even comes close to the three of you.” All you could hear was the surf in the distance. It was that quiet. There was no tinkling of glasses. There was no music in the background. There was just the group in silence. It was a very special moment for all of us.
“Thanks for letting me be a part of your dreams. And, congratulations!” Another toast followed and things started to wind down.
After we finished our last drinks, there was a palpable sense of anticlimax. There was not going to be any real work done until the following Wednesday. We decided that we would issue a press release announcing the merger and the formation of the new firm on Wednesday. But we also a
greed to make a private announcement to the guests at Gordon’s annual end-of-summer party on Saturday night.
I said my good nights and headed home to Charmaine. I left Gordon, Paul, and Diedre finishing their last drinks for the night. I had a feeling that a lot more was going to happen that weekend.
And it turned out that I was right.
CHAPTER 74
Diedre
Some enchanted evening …
Gordon, Paul, and I sat in the enormous lounging area for a few more minutes after Jerome left. And then Gordon said his farewells and went to the master bedroom suite, leaving Paul and me alone. For what seemed like the longest time, Paul stared at his glass saying nothing. I knew Paul long enough and well enough to leave him be. I sat silently sipping my drink.
I know Paul, probably better than just about anyone on this planet. I knew that the success of the evening probably seemed a little thin and watery to him. For the moment he seemed to not really care about the deal or The Pride.
“Want to talk?”
“Actually, I would rather take a walk.” As he turned to look at me, all the celebration and gusto and bravado were gone. I saw emptiness and pain in his eyes. He was not tired. But he was certainly weary. His spirit was carrying many heavy burdens.
“Would you care for company? I’m really not that tired and I am certainly not ready to go to sleep.” I found myself caring for this man who had been in my life, out of my life and now, a part of my life.
“Actually I would like that very much, Diedre. Yes I would. Thank you.”
There was a sincere look of gratitude in his face and gratitude in his voice that I don’t think I had ever noticed with Paul.
“Why don’t you get a jacket or a sweater? It’s starting to get a little cool on the beach. I’ll freshen our drinks and meet you on the deck.” You could almost see his spirit starting to revive. And I was truly glad to be there for him. And I found this to be amazing!
“I’ll be right back. Try not to leave without me. I would hate to have to go looking for you in the dark.” I could see him start to smile, and that was enough for the moment.
“Not a chance, my dear. You will have no trouble finding your escort for the evening.” He was trying to keep a “stiff upper lip” I guess, and it was certainly better than him giving in to the clouds of despondency that were hovering over his head.
As I headed to the guest quarters, I could have sworn that I saw the dawn of the glimmer of the flickering of a smile on Paul’s face. That was a good thing. I really didn’t know what I wanted to find out about how Paul was feeling. But I was sure that I wanted to find out something that night.
After Paul and I broke up I had not retired to a convent. I had had a couple of grand and glorious affairs that could have resulted in marriage if I had been willing to fit my dreams into those of someone else.
At that moment, that day, that evening, there was no one special in my life. There was just the occasional social, and sometimes sexual, companion. I had gotten to the point that I was starting to wonder where all of this was leading.
To tell the truth, I wasn’t even consciously thinking about all of that as I went to get my Peruvian shawl that I always preferred on cool summer evenings like this one. But to tell the truth I did skip up the stairs like an excited schoolgirl. I was very sure that I could not remember the last time I felt like that.
Gordon’s house was designed so that there were two sleeping suites in each of the four wings of the house. I guess he called himself being diplomatic in putting Paul and me in separate wings so as to avoid any subtle implications in the sleeping arrangements.
The reality was that Paul and I had not been intimate during the past fifteen years. Not even close. We had become friends during the past five years. And that was all.
Nevertheless, I had to confess to myself that I had always found Paul attractive in some eternal kind of way. He was the first true, the only life-altering love of my life. And as he matured and grew, he was a better man and in many ways more attractive than he ever was when we met and were together.
When I came back downstairs I found Paul standing outside on the deck with our drinks in his hands. He was staring at the stars.
CHAPTER 75
Diedre
Slipping into darkness
“Thinking about making a wish? Don’t get too greedy, Paul Taylor. I have to believe that at least one of your dreams came true tonight.”
Paul passed me my drink and then gave me a wan smile. And at that moment I knew his wish. And I knew that wish would never come true. There was nothing more that I could say or do at that point. I could swear that I could see an aura of pain around him at that moment.
“Let’s walk, Paul. It’s a lovely night. Come on.” I placed my arm inside of his and headed toward the steps and the beach.
“Yes, it is lovely. You know, Diedre, a walk would be just about right just about now.”
We walked along the beach sipping our Delamaine cognac and watching the surf relentlessly embrace and release the shore. We walked almost a mile in total silence. We had been quiet for so long that, when Paul finally spoke, it gave me a start. His voice was tissue whisper soft.
“Diedre, please tell me the truth. If I start talking about Samantha will it bother you? Because if it will bother you, I will just keep it to myself.” He was staring out to sea as he spoke.
“It’s fine, Paul. You know if it bothered me I would just tell you. Just go on and talk about her, if you feel like it.” He was in such pain and so vulnerable, I couldn’t help but care.
We continued to walk in silence for a while. He found a piece of driftwood and we sat down. We were facing the sea with the surf swirling to a stop a few yards away from our feet. Paul continued to speak in that whisper that sounded like gossamer to the ears. It was a voice I had never heard him use.
“You know, Diedre, after my father and brother died, I thought that I knew all that I needed to know about pain and loss. I thought I knew enough to last a lifetime, several lifetimes actually.” He took a sip of his cognac and continued.
“I didn’t think that I was immune to pain, I just figured that I had learned about how much I could hurt and how to handle it.
“And then, when I found out that Samantha was sick and was going to die, somehow the advance knowledge just did not prepare me for the reality of her actually dying. I guess I was in denial, you know, that river in Egypt. I simply could not believe that I was going to lose her. I couldn’t believe that this star of a woman was going to … die.”
He looked like he was about to cry right then and there. And then, just like that, he composed himself and continued.
“But Diedre, when I went to her funeral in Gary, I felt like the bottom had just fallen out of my world. And ever since then, every night I feel the pain, the real pain, of losing her. It hurts. It just hurts.”
I sat in total silence listening to his every word. I did not look directly at Paul. I wanted him to speak freely. And I realized that during all of our time together he had never expressed his true feelings in such a sincere and real fashion.
I had heard him say all the words of love that a man is supposed to say to a woman. I had even heard him talk about his hopes and dreams a million years ago. But I had never heard him speak from the heart. Not like this. Not like tonight.
As he was speaking, I realized that Paul had changed in a very real way. Part of it had to do with time and the maturation process. As people mature, if they are lucky, they change for the better. I was sure, however, that Samantha’s death had created a different Paul Hiawatha Taylor.
Pain can be like fire. It can consume a person, or it can temper a person like steel and make them stronger. Paul’s willingness to open his heart to me was a clear sign, and a good sign. I could tell that I was sitting next to a different man. He was a different man that I was coming to like very much. I continued to listen to him.
“I know that every day millions of peopl
e all over the world lose mothers and brothers and fathers and sisters. My loss of Samantha is nothing special in the cosmic scheme of things. But it hurts me, Diedre. And to tell you the truth, I just don’t know what to do about it.”
It was starting to get cooler. We got up off the driftwood and started walking back to the house. The waves applauded our journey by gently slapping the sand. It took me just a moment to notice that we were walking more closely than we did on the way out to this spot on the beach.
“You know, Diedre, it’s funny. During the day I am fine. I have my work, my appointments, my clients, my calls, my documents. All of that. But this feeling I have is like Dracula. It sleeps during the day. But at night, when the sun goes down, I get this feeling that tastes like iron filings in my mouth and it makes me want to cry for no reason. For no reason at all except, of course, that Samantha is gone forever.” I could see his eyes misting and his voice starting to quiver. But he continued.
“I don’t know why I am telling you all of this …”
“Paul, go on. You need to talk and I promise that I will keep listening. I promise. No conditions. No strings. Please, go on.”
I placed my hand on his arm as we spoke and left it there. It certainly wasn’t out of habit. It was something else entirely. Paul continued as we walked slowly on the sand. Only the stars and the waves were listening.
“And you want to know the strangest thing? I find myself looking at the night sky, almost every night, looking for the right star to wish upon. Is that weird or what?”
“I don’t think so, Paul Taylor. What do you wish for when you see the right star? Inquiring minds want to know.”
The lightness of my comment did not mean that I was not serious. And Paul knew it. I just thought that lightening the moment might help. I could have sworn that I saw the glimmering of the beginning of a smile on his face. And I could see that he had not truly smiled for a long time.
