Autumn smiled to herself, but didn’t twist the little lock. If he wanted in that badly, she wouldn’t try to stop him and, quite possibly, he should follow his own advice.
She took her time getting ready for bed, enjoying a long, hot shower. Admittedly, she dallied, secretly hoping the hissing spray of water beating against her flushed skin would prove too great a temptation for Balen to ignore. Sobriety slowly ensued as she combed out her damp hair, brushed her teeth, and changed into a pale pink cami with matching boy-shorts.
She was climbing into her bed when her cell went off on the nightstand. Autumn grabbed it and unlocked the screen to find several missed messages.
I know what you’re trying to do and it’s not going to work…
Okay, it might be working a little bit. How drunk are you? ;)
Autumn, you’re killing me over here. All I can think about is licking that water off your gorgeous tits…
She smiled and sent him a message back. Sorry, you’re too late. You missed your chance. And P.S. I’m not that drunk. ;) Less than five seconds passed before a new message appeared.
Fuck me… What are you doing now?
That depends on you.
Wanna watch Netflix and chill?
Are you asking me to watch Netflix and chill or are you asking me to “watch Netflix and chill?”
Is there a difference?
Don't you know that when you ask a girl to Netflix and chill, that's code for making out?
That's funny. No, I’ve never heard that. But if I was trying to make out with you, I'd just ask you if you wanted to make out. Sooo… Wanna make out? ;)
Autumn laughed. It was one of those embarrassing, loud, snorting laughs and she slapped her hand over her mouth, trying to hold it in. Another message flashed across her screen.
Not usually the response I get when I ask a girl that question.
Crap, he’d heard her. You ask a lot of girls to make out then, do you?
Not anymore. The only one I want underneath me is you.
Oh, he was good. Aw…I bet you say that to all the girls.
No, I don’t. Believe it or not, they’re usually the ones coming on to me.
Oh, she believed it.
Wanna watch a movie with me?
Hmm…curling up with Balen on a couch and watching Netflix? She was so down for that. Can it be a scary movie? Autumn loved horror flicks. They frightened the crap out of her and she always had nightmares when they were over, but she couldn’t resist a good heart-pounding thriller.
Of course.
And popcorn?
Bag’s already in the microwave.
No sooner did the message come across the screen, did the unmistakable scent of buttery popcorn waft beneath her door. Her mouth watered. If Balen wouldn’t have already had her with the hot guy, plus a scary movie, she was sold with the popcorn. Be out in two minutes.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Balen was still in the kitchen when she came out of the bedroom, plaiting her damp hair into a braid over her shoulder. His back was to her as he pulled a large bowl from the cupboard and tugged the corners of the popcorn bag, releasing a roll of steam. She took full advantage of the opportunity to stare. He wore nothing but a pair of low-riding lounge pants. The muscles in his back flexed and rolled as he reached into the cupboard and pulled out a glass.
“Wanna share a rum and coke?”
“Sure.”
She curled up on the couch, watching him move around the kitchen. Balen scooped some ice into a cup and then bent down to pull a coke from the door of the fridge. Who needed Netflix when she had her own episode of Playgirl going down right in front of her? All she needed was for those loose-fitting cotton pants to slide down juuust another inch lower…
His hands were full when he turned around to head into the living room, a bowl of popcorn in one, a full glass of rum and coke in the other. He froze, his eyes sweeping over her, making her acutely aware of just how little she was wearing.
“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath. “Maybe we shouldn’t Netflix and chill…”
She laughed. “Nu-uh. You’ve got popcorn and a Captain Coke—my two favorite things in the whole world. Get your ass over here.”
Balen chuckled as she scooted over and patted the cushion beside her, making room for him near the armrest. He sat and tucked the bowl between his legs, then set the glass on the end table before grabbing the remote and loading up his Netflix account.
You could tell a lot about a guy by what was in his queue. As Balen scrolled through his watch list, Autumn busted out laughing. “You’re a B-movie horror fan! Zombeavers! Sharknado? You’re not seriously going to make me watch this?”
“Hell yeah!” he laughed. “You’ve got sharks and tornados. This is going to be a great movie.”
They were both laughing as she lunged for the remote, but she wasn’t fast enough. Balen raised his arm, holding it out of her reach. “Sharknado’s the shit.”
“It’s shit all right.” She finally snagged the remote, though she suspected he’d surrendered it.
“How do you know if you’ve never watched it?” He slid his arm around her shoulders and tucked her into his side. He smelled like man and salty sea air, a heady combination that made Autumn want to turn her head and take a deep breath. Her ginger complexion was pale next to his. Despite his heat radiating through her thin cami, goosebumps prickled over her arms. He must have noticed and mistaken her arousal for a chill, because his hand rubbed briskly over her bicep. “You cold? Want me to grab a blanket?”
Before she could respond, he set the popcorn on the end table and hopped up, heading toward his bedroom. He came back a moment later with a blanket and draped it over her before sitting back down. “So, if Sharknado is out, then what are we watching?”
“Have you seen Secret Window? It’s not a horror flick, but I have it in my queue and haven’t watched it yet.”
“Nope. Let’s give it a try.”
She played the movie and Balen grabbed the popcorn. They were thirty seconds into the film when he protested through a mouthful of puffy kernels, “Hey, this is a Johnny Depp movie!”
“I know. That means it’s going to be good.”
He grunted and she felt the masculine chuff roll through her. “I don’t look anything like this guy.”
Autumn turned so she could see him better. “Well, maybe not in this movie. But if you grew your hair out a little longer,” she playfully tugged a wavy lock, “and threw in some dreads, maybe add a little guy-liner and a gold tooth...” She broke out laughing at the look he gave her.
“You’re crazy,” he chuckled, tossing another handful of popcorn into his mouth. He extended the footrest and stretched out, tucking her closer to his side.
She fit against him perfectly, like she’d been made just for him. Those are dangerous thoughts, Autumn. But her conscience didn’t heed the warning. As they snuggled together, eating popcorn and sharing a Captain Coke, she found it impossible to focus on the movie. Her mind was plagued with thoughts like I don’t want this to end… and for the first time in my life, I finally feel…whole.
Even when she’d been married to Alex, they rarely had moments like this, and it never felt this…right. The first two years had been pretty good, and then they decided to start a family. Three years and four miscarriages later, she discovered that wasn’t going to happen when words like “inhospitable uterus” and “incompetent cervix” had crushed her dream of becoming a mother and having a family.
Alex wouldn’t even discuss adoption and not long after that, he was always busy “working late,” or “out of town on business.” Of course, he’d been screwing his assistant, but it’d taken her almost a year to figure that out. In retrospect, she should be thanking him. If not for his affair, she’d most likely still be stuck in a loveless marriage. But knowing that didn’t ease the sting of betrayal and feeling of failure she lived with every day. If she would have been able to have children, Alex wouldn’t have
stopped loving her. She couldn’t give him what he needed, what he wanted, and so he’d left. What was to stop the next guy from doing the same thing when he found out the truth? And the guy after that, and the guy after that? It’s not like it was something she could lead with. Hi, I’m Autumn. Do you want to have children? Because, if you do, don’t get involved with me.
Her fear of being rejected and getting her heart broken were the main reasons she’d never dated after Alex. And she’d never told that to anyone—not even Summer. She wasn’t ready to discuss her infertility when she hadn’t even come to terms with it herself yet. Since she didn’t have casual sex, fast forward two more years and, well, here she was…on vacation in the Island of Love, spending her days and nights with the most gorgeous guy she’d ever met and trying like hell not to lose her heart.
Yep, this was supposed to be fun, easy breezy, a good time without consequences. Only it didn’t feel so carefree anymore, especially snuggled up against a man she wanted more than she’d ever wanted anyone before. The problem was her damn feelings kept getting in the way. They were making something that should have been simple a lot more complicated than it needed to be. Of all the men she could have fallen for, why did she have to pick the one that didn’t believe in love? If she told him she had feelings for him, she risked scaring him away. She had no right to expect him to feel the same, but then if he did, there was still her whole infertility issue that would come between them and she just didn’t think she could handle going down that road again. And so here she was, dwelling on her issues when all she wanted to do was cuddle up with this hot guy and watch a movie without having to overthink everything all the time.
Balen must have sensed something was wrong, because his thumb brushed over her upper arm, a leisurely back and forth caress. “Hey, you okay?”
She closed her eyes against the sudden sting of tears and tried to swallow the lump of emotion lodged inside her throat. She didn’t want to ruin this, and she didn’t want to complicate it any more than it already was. But then a tear slipped free, rolling down her cheek and landing on his hand.
Shit.
“Hey…” Balen set the bowl of popcorn aside, paused the movie, and turned Autumn so he could look at her. “Okay, the movie’s not that bad. Tell me what’s wrong.”
She shook her head, refusing to meet his stare. She didn’t want to cry in front of him, dammit. “It’s nothing. Can we please just watch the movie?”
His knuckle slipped beneath her chin, gently tipping her head up to meet his stare. Amber-flecked eyes against that mocha-colored backdrop met and held hers. They were full of concern, and something that was probably just wishful thinking.
“Autumn, talk to me.”
“It’s just been a long time since I’ve done this. I didn’t realize how much I missed it. That’s all.”
Balen’s thumb swept over her cheek, drying her tears. “You were thinking of him?”
She didn’t answer. He wasn’t angry or offended. Just concerned, like maybe he understood how hard it could be to move on sometimes.
“Do you still love him? Alex?”
It surprised her that Balen remembered his name. She shook her head, not wanting him to get the wrong idea. “God, no. But the reasons we divorced were complicated, and it’s something I’ll carry with me the rest of my life. Most of the time I handle it just fine. I’m not sure why it caught me off guard tonight. I’m sorry to put a damper on our movie.”
He studied her as if trying to decipher her explanation. “It’s not your fault your husband cheated on you, Autumn. The guy’s a fucking idiot. If you were mine—”
“You probably would have left me too,” she interrupted, the words tumbling out before she could bite them back. She wished she’d let him finish what he was going to say. If she would have been his…then what?
His brows tightened with confusion. “Why do you say that?”
Maybe she should just tell him. Get it off her chest. Then she could stop wondering “what if.” It wasn’t like they had a future together, anyway. Balen had made her no promises, and in two days she’d be leaving, so what did it matter?
“I…I can’t have children. That’s why Alex cheated on me and that’s why he left.”
It was the first time she’d uttered those words out loud. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting for a response, but the one she got certainly wasn’t it.
“That’s bullshit!”
“Excuse me?”
“That piece of shit cheated on you because he’s a fucking asshole. That’s it. I’ve got news for you, Autumn. He would have cheated on you whether you had kids or not. Cheaters cheat, that’s what they do. Only you’d have been pregnant or with a family when it happened.”
Those weren’t easy words to hear, but what was even harder was accepting the possibility that her failed marriage may not have been her fault.
“I can’t believe that bastard let you take the blame for his infidelity. Jesus, Autumn. You can’t honestly believe that was your fault?”
A fresh wave of tears filled her eyes. Before she could stop them, they spilled down her cheeks. The wound she’d thought was healed had been ripped wide open by Balen’s words. What if he was right? What did it change? She could still never give the man she fell in love with a child of his own.
“That son of a bitch should have been there for you. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.”
He wrapped his other arm around her and hugged her tight. And that was when she lost it. She absolutely—freaking—lost it. After two years of suppressing all the hurt, the anger, the guilt, it all came pouring out in gut-wrenching sobs. This was the last person she’d expected to pour her heart out to, the last man’s arms she’d ever imagined seeking solace in, but it felt right. The realization dawned on her that, until she purged all this grief, she could never truly move on. She’d been so wrong. It wasn’t about the sex. That wasn’t what was holding her back, and that wasn’t going to wipe any slate clean. It was this—confessing her deepest secret and darkest fears, that finally made the invisible weight pressing down on her lift.
Balen’s hand slowly soothed up and down her spine as he let her cry. He seemed to understand she needed this and he didn’t try to stop her. Kissing the top of her head, he held her close, whispering comforting words like, “Let it go. It’s not your fault, sweetheart.” And promising retribution by vowing, “That bastard better hope I never get my hands on him.”
It was a sweetly protective threat, and entirely improbable because Alex was half a world away, however, it was comforting to hear nonetheless. But of all the things Balen said to her, one particular confession obliterated any hope she had of getting through this without losing her heart.
“And you’re wrong, by the way. If you were mine, I never would have left you.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
The moment the words left his mouth, Balen knew he’d made a mistake, but it was too late to call them back.
Autumn tensed.
All he wanted to do was take her pain away, and there wasn’t much he wouldn’t have done or said to make that happen. Now that he knew the whole story, it made so much more sense—the mistrust, the self-doubt…the enigma that was Autumn Harris.
Until now, he hadn’t fully understood why she hadn’t taken a lover in the two years since her divorce, or why doing so now was such a difficult step for her. No doubt the alcohol had loosened her tongue, and it bothered him to think that if she hadn’t been drinking, he may have never learned the truth.
Unable to have children. Wow, that was a heavy burden she was carrying. And he could see how some women might falsely attach feelings of inferiority to infertility, even when that couldn’t be farther from the truth. In Autumn’s eyes, she associated her inability to have a child with her husband’s affair, and Balen knew from experience how emotionally damaging it was to be cheated on.
He leaned back far enough to cup her beautiful face and tipped her chin. He dried
her cheeks and met those oceanic eyes he swore he could drown in. “Autumn, you are any man’s dream come true. You’re sweet, and fun, and feisty—and so beautiful. Don’t let one stupid asshole define you. And besides, not every guy wants to have kids.”
“Do you?”
She caught him off guard with her question. Balen wasn’t sure at what point the hypothetical question started taking on a whole other hypothetical possibility. What was she saying? Was she asking him if there was a chance for a future with them? And why did the idea of it send his pulse racing and his chest filling with an emotion he wasn’t sure he’d ever felt before? It scared the shit out of him just as much as the thought of losing her did.
“I don’t think so. At least not right now. My lifestyle isn’t stable enough for a family, and I don’t see that changing in the near future.”
“Alex wouldn’t even consider adoption.”
“I think we’ve already established your ex-husband is a jackass.” There was no humor in her laugh, just a lot of sadness. “But I tell you what, if I did ever want kids, I would never let your situation stop me from having a future with you. And any guy who did doesn’t deserve you.” Aw, hell. He hadn’t meant to make her cry again. He sucked at this. “Shit.” Balen exhaled a frustrated sigh and dragged his hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No. Don’t apologize.” She swiped her hand over her cheeks. “You have no idea how much I needed to hear that. You know, it’s going to be hard saying goodbye to you.”
Two more days. That was all that remained of their time together. He wasn’t ready to let her go, nor was he ready to hand her his heart. Before he could do that, he’d have to come clean with his own secrets and he didn’t trust her not to walk away. And if by some miracle she didn’t, what kind of a life could he offer her? She thought he was a beach-bumming surfer who lived a life footloose and fancy-free when that couldn’t have been farther from the truth. He traveled all the time and was buried in commitments. Between competitions and sponsorships, he was gone more than he was home. Autumn didn’t exactly strike him as the kind of woman who would be all right with his career that was more like a lifestyle. How would a woman who struggled with issues of trust feel about wave runners hanging all over him? It didn’t matter that he discouraged the behavior, it still happened more than he cared to admit.
One and Done (Island of Love Book 1) Page 19
