by Tanya Huff
Magdelene-one shrugged, spreading butter liberally on the muffin. "Beats the Netherhells out of me. She was there when I woke up; large as life and twice as tidy."
"And I can't seem to get her to care," growled Magdelene-two through clenched teeth. We must find out who did this to us and why."
"It’s too hot to care." One stuck her foot out into a patch of sunlight and grinned down at the shadow of her bare toes on the tile floor.
"Mistress, if there is a wizard powerful enough to do this..."
"What difference does it make? I mean, really? It’s been done."
"You see? You see what I've had to put up with?" Two glared down at her double. "Well, fine. I don't need you. I was only including you in the process to be thorough. I can get the answers on my own." Pivoting on one well-shod heel, she stomped out of the room, the door slamming behind her.
"What a bitch," One snorted.
"Mistress, if she is a part of you..."
"Then I’m well rid of her."
The door swung open hard enough to crash against the wall. "What have you done to my house!"
Magdelene-one sighed, reaching for another muffin. "What do you mean, your house? Try, my house."
"The tower is missing!"
"Is not."
Shaking her head, Kali went out into the hall. Not only was the tower missing, but two of the hall's four doors opened into the garden and the door that should have returned her to the kitchen lead sequentially to the sitting room, the bathing room, Joah's old room, and a room the demon didn't recognize, although from the piles of debris it appeared to be a storeroom of sorts. A half-grown calico cat meowed indignantly down at her from a stack of crates.
"I have no idea," she said, closing the door again. If the house was causing the cats problems, things were even more serious than they appeared.
A fifth attempt finally took her back to the kitchen. Magdelene-one was licking the jam spoon while Magdelene-two made notes on Kali's recipe slate.
"The house," she announced, "is out of control."
"That's just so unlikely," One scoffed stickily.
"Nevertheless, Mistress, it is the case."
Sighing heavily, One heaved herself up out of the chair and sauntered over to the door, Two following close behind, arms folded and lips pressed into a thin line. They walked out of the kitchen and stood in a square hall, warmly lit by the large skylight overhead.
"Sitting-room, bathroom, stairs to the Netherhells..." The doors opened and closed showing the rooms behind them as they were named. "...stairs to the tower." One rolled her eyes and headed back to the kitchen. "You guys make such a fuss over nothing."
As the door closed behind her, the house shifted. The green and gold lizard who'd moments before been sunning himself in the garden stared up at Magdelene-two in shock.
"You’re right," she told it. "The situation is completely unacceptable. Fortunately, a reasoned analysis finds a simple solution." Opening a door, she reached into the kitchen, grabbed her other self by the back of the vest, and hauled her into the hall. The lizard disappeared, the doors returned. "Clearly, we must stay together in order to maintain the house."
"Clearly," Magdelene-one mocked. "Why?"
"Let me think..."
"Oh, you're thinking. I can smell the smoke."
Two ignored her. "As you observed previously, there is still only one of us, we have merely been separated into pieces. It's therefore logical to assume that our power has been equally divided between us. Together, we remain the most powerful wizard in the world. Separate, we are merely powerful – and not powerful enough to mindlessly support old magics."
"That sort of sucks."
"Indeed. We need answers." Clutching her other self’s elbow, Two threw open a door and marched them both up the steps to the cupola on the top of the tower.
"So many stairs," moaned One. "What was I thinking?"
From the outside, the turquoise house on the headland seemed to be only one storey tall. From the cupola, the two wizards had an uninterrupted view of the surrounding countryside from fifty feet in the air.
One gazed down at the cove and the fishing village that hugged the shore. "Nothing much happening there. Wait a minute, that's Miguel working on his boat. Would you look at the shoulders on the man. And the ass – you could bounce clams off that ass." Leaning forward, she whispered something as if in Miguel's ear. The fisherman turned and waved. Even at such a distance, they could see his broad smile.
"What did you say to him?" Two demanded suspiciously.
One giggled. "I told him that if the kayle weren't running I knew something else he could spend the morning spearing."
"Have you no concern for your dignity? And if not yours," she continued before her double could reply, "have you no concern for mine? We are the most powerful wizard in the world, and we have a position to maintain!"
"Prude."
"Slut."
One stuck out her tongue, flickered once, and glared across the room. "You stopped me from leaving! How dare you stop me!"
Hands on her hips, Two returned the glare. "Have you forgotten why we came up here?" A half turn and a sharp wave toward the large oval mirror in the rosewood stand. "We must discover who did this to us!"
"Why?"
"So that we can undo it."
"Why?" One asked again, dropping down onto the huge pile of multicoloured cushions that filled most of the floor space. "Personally, I think I'm better off without you dragging me down."
"Me dragging you down?" the other Magdelene snorted, turning to the mirror. "Oh, that's a laugh."
The mirror showed nothing but a reflection of both Magdelenes.
"You've broken it!"
"I haven’t done anything."
"Oh, you never do do anything, do you?"
"At least I know how to enjoy myself," One pointed out. She flashed her double a sunny smile and vanished.
"At least I won’t end up with sand in sensitive places," Two sneered to an empty room.
* * * *
"She's gone to the beach," Magdelene snorted as she crossed the kitchen. "She's such an embarrassment, Kali." Lowering herself into a chair, legs crossed at the ankles, Two quivered with indignation. "I shudder just thinking of how she’s perceived."
"The villagers have always treated her – you – with respect, Mistress."
"But she's so..." Manicured nails beat out a staccato rhythm against the polished wood of the table as she searched for a description that managed to be both accurate and polite and managed only: "...enthusiastically athletic."
"From what I have heard, they respect that as well. I have received the impression on a number of occasions that some are rather in awe." Kali set a lightly steaming cup of tea on the table by the wizard. "Did you discover who is responsible for this division?"
Magdelene took a ladylike sip of tea and sighed. "I'm afraid not. The mirror is non-functional and showed only our reflections. Whoever divided us in two must have disabled it in order to cover their tracks."
The demon nodded thoughtfully.
* * * *
"What's this?" Magdelene blinked down at the lightly steamed vegetables and the poached fish on her plate.
Kali placed a pitcher of water and a glass on the table. "Lunch, Mistress. High in fibre, low in fat. Your double ordered it."
"Then why isn't my double here eating it?"
"She remains in the workshop, delving in eldritch realms to discover the cause of your affliction."
"Please, it's nothing a little salve won't cure." When Kali sighed, Magdelene rolled her eyes. "Oh, our affliction. Right. Well, she's going to get us into trouble with that whole eldritch realms thing – it's likely to bring on an angry crowd of villagers with torches and pitchforks, and... Hang on." Frowning, she pushed a heavy fall of hair back off her face. "I don't have a workshop."
"She has added one on, Mistress."
"And you just let her?"
"I am her housekeeper
as much as yours, Mistress." Kali placed a thin slice of lime in the water glass and stepped back. "If you are unhappy with her decision, perhaps you should confront her yourself."
"Yeah, probably, but I don't really feel much like doing it now. Maybe later." A lazy flick of a knife point teased apart two translucent flakes of white flesh. "Any chance of rolling this in breadcrumbs and frying it in butter?"
"No, Mistress."
"You're forcing me cover it in tartar sauce..."
"Your life is hard, Mistress."
* * * *
Hand raised to block the sun, One leaned out of the hammock and frowned at her double. "What are you doing?"
"What does it look like I'm doing?" Two demanded. She dropped a cushion onto the ground, dropped to her knees on the cushion, and began inscribing runes in the fresh earth. "I'm laying out protective wards around the house."
"Didn't there used to be cat mint there?"
"Do you want what happened last night to happen again?" Two sniffed, ignoring the actual question.
One settled back down and scratched at her bare stomach. "Don't see how it can. We're already in two pieces."
"And what would you say to being in four pieces?"
"Five card draw, monkey's wild. It'll cost you a caravan to open."
Two sniffed again. "You’re making absolutely no sense.”
"With four," One sighed, "we'd have enough for poker."
"You think you're very funny, don't you? You're just lucky you have me to take care of things."
A tanned hand waved languidly in the hot afternoon air. "Whatever makes you happy, sister."
"Don't call me that!" Two protested, vehemently tucking an escaped strand of hair back behind her ear. "I'm not your sister, I’m you!"
"Then I really need a nap." The words were nearly lost in the depths of a yawn. "I'm not usually this cranky."
* * * *
"Kali, what is this?"
"Supper, Mistress." Thankful that the kitchen was one of the more anchored rooms, Kali put down the plate of spiced prawns in garlic butter. "Your double ordered it." When faced with the inevitable, she felt she might as well just say the lines assigned.
Magdelene's lip curled. "Then why isn't my double here eating it?"
"There was a delivery from the village this afternoon."
"A delivery of what?"
"I do not know. He never reached the house."
"Why not?"
Kali opened her mouth to answer, but a raised hand and a scarlet flush on the wizard's cheeks cut her off.
"Never mind. How can she take a chance like that? He might not be a mere delivery boy, he could easily be our enemy attempting to take us unawares. He could be the wizard who divided us, arriving to check on our weakened condition." Magdelene leapt to her feet. "He could have weapons designed to destroy us!"
The demon placed her hand on the wizard's shoulder and pushed her back down into the chair. "I believe he was searched quite thoroughly," she said.
* * * *
Two looked up from placing her folded clothing neatly into a chest and clutched at her voluminous nightshirt. "What do you think you're doing here?"
"This is my bedroom."
"Excuse me, I believe that it's my bedroom."
"Whatever." One shrugged. "It's a big bed." She began to loosen the laces on her vest.
"I'm not sharing this bed with you."
"You're not my first choice either, but..." The vest hit the floor, quickly followed by the skirt. "...so what. It's late. I'm sleepy. And this is my bed."
"You can sleep in one of the spare rooms."
"You can bite me." She kicked her crumpled clothes into a corner. "Besides, I have dibs. I'm clearly the original."
Two's lip curled. "And how do you figure that?"
One spread her hands. "I have all the dominant character traits."
"You’re a lazy, lecherous, slob!"
"And I rest my case." Triumphant, she dropped onto the bed, bounced once, frowned, and dug a pomegranate out from under a fold in the blanket. "You're only angry because you know I'm ri.... Hey!"
Releasing her double's ankle, Two stepped back and pointed toward the door. "Out," she snarled. "Now."
One scrambled up off the floor, glaring through the tangled mess of her hair. "You shouldn't have done that."
"Really? What were you planning to dAWK!" Pressed up against the back wall, Two struggled to get an arm free.
"I plan to get some sleep, but first I plan to... OW!"
For every offence, an equal defence. For every spell, a counter spell. For every pillow slammed into a face or across the back of a head, a pillow was slammed in return. The pillows were, by far, getting the worst of it.
Feathers reformed into geese in midair. The geese, who weren't stupid, escaped through the open window.
* * * *
Down in the village, men, women, and children stared up at the lights and noises coming from the house of the most powerful wizard in the world, and they wondered. Some wondered what fell enchantments were afoot. Some wondered where the geese had come from. Most wondered why they hadn’t been invited to the party.
One wondered why the ground seemed to be shaking slightly.
* * * *
The impact shook the house and knocked both Magdelenes to the floor, hands buried in each other's hair.
"Now what have you done?" Two demanded, eyes wild.
"Wasn't me," One snorted. "If I make the earth move for someone, we're both having a better time."
"Well, it wasn't me. Unlike some people, I'm capable of maintaining perfect control."
"So, if I didn't do it and if you're a paragon of perfect control..." One blew a feather off her nose, "then who’s doing all the bang...."
The second impact was more violent than the first.
The wizards’ eyes widened simultaneously. After an undignified moment untangling themselves...
"You're on my hair!"
"You're on your hair, you idiot!"
...they scrambled to their feet and raced out of the bedroom into the hall.
Unencumbered by the tangled ruin of a nightshirt, One reached the door first and threw it open, peering down the long, long flight of stairs that lead to the Netherhells. Under her bare foot, the first step began to vibrate.
As a high-pitched whistle grew louder, familiar hands grabbed her shoulders and yanked her back.
"Duck!"
"That's not a duck," One pointed out a moment later as the two wizards lifted their heads to stare wide-eyed at the object embedded in the wall across from the door. "That's one Netherhell of a large bone, and to give some indication of how seriously I'm taking this," she added as she stood, "I'm going to skip all the smutty innuendo a bone that size calls out for."
It was almost five feet long and a hand-span in diameter. Blood red sigils had been carved around the curve of the visible end.
Two crossed to the bone and leaned in until her nose nearly brushed the surface. "It appears that one of the demon princes is attempting to breach the door. This sigil here is the sign of Ter'Poe, and this the sign of conquest, and this..." She tapped her finger lightly against another. "...this is what appears to be a corrupted version of my name with certain Midworld influences apparently creeping into the actual line and curves."
The other wizard yawned. "Even facing potential disaster you're boring."
"Potential disaster, Mistresses?"
They turned to face the housekeeper.
"You don't think an invasion by the Netherhells where we all end up murdered in our beds and all manner of evils like sloth and gluttony..." Two paused long enough to glare at her double. "...are let loose in the world can be called a disaster?"
"I merely question your use of the word potential, Mistress." Kali indicated the bone with a single, measured nod. "If their missile is able to reach the house, they are already through the lower door."
On cue, the distant sound of pounding footsteps rose fr
om below.
One scratched thoughtfully. "At the risk of stating the obvious, that can't be good."
"Don't just stand there!" Two charged across to the open door and lifted both hands to shoulder height, palms out, fingers spread. "And while the darkness from the deep doth into this world try to creep, I raise my powers from their sleep..."
"What are you doing?"
"Stopping an invasion by the Netherhells!"
"With bad poetry?" Accepting a dressing gown from Kali, One shrugged into it, tightened the belt, then pointed down the stairs and said, "Go home."
"Ow!" The exclamation was distant, but unmistakable. The footsteps paused.
And then began again.
"That can't be..."
"Yes, we know. That can't be good." Two opened the door to the right and dragged a box of miscellaneous junk out into the hall. "Stop repeating yourself and start throwing things before we're horribly killed and responsible for the deaths of thousands."
"Horribly killed? It's not enough just to be killed?"
Two waved away the smoke and shoved a wicker basket with a broken handle into her hands. "Throw!"
"I don't think..."
"Fortunately for the world, I do."
"I can think of someone's death I'd like to be responsible for," One muttered and pitched the basket down into the darkness.
* * * *
"That... was close," Two gasped, sagging back against the now closed door.
"Too... close," One agreed from where she lay panting on the floor.
"As long as your power remains divided, I very much doubt you could stop a second assault," Kali pointed out. "And there will be a second assault, Mistresses. You may count on that as a certainty."
"She has... a point."
"Two. They're horns."
"She has a point about the two of us not being able to defeat the demon-kind a second time," Two snapped. "We have to do something before we're all destroyed. Before we're chopped into pieces and devoured. Or worse. I'll return to the workshop and attempt to find the strongest spells we can perform with our reduced power."
"Good on you." One closed her eyes. "I'll have a nap."
"No," Kali sighed. "You will both come with me to the tower."
"Kali, lest you forget, I..."
"We," amended One, waving a sooty hand.
