That sounds terrific, Jack. And I'm sorry I'm such a lunatic. I just wasn't expecting us to be friends, or not like this anyway ' whatever this is. She laughed nervously and he tried to reassure her.
I'll pick you up. You can wear jeans, if you want.
Great. She took him at his word, and when he arrived, she was wearing faded jeans wallpapered to her spectacular body and a big cozy pink angora sweater. He was dying to tell her how great she looked, but he didn't want to scare her.
They drove to La Cienega, and they stopped at a little restaurant she had never even seen before. They were talking animatedly as they walked in, and suddenly she clutched his arm, and turned away with a look of terror.
What is it? If she had been married, he would have guessed that she had just seen her husband in the corner, with another woman. All he could see was a young couple dining there, but Amanda was already out the door, and her heart was pounding. Who was that?
My daughter Louise and her husband, Jerry.
Oh my God. That's all right. Aren't we allowed to be eating dinner? We both have our clothes on. He tried to make light of it, but she looked as though she wanted to run away, and he didn't want that to happen. They walked back to his car, and talked for a moment once they were safely inside it.
She'd never understand it.
She's a grown woman, for heaven's sake. What do your kids expect? For you to stay home for the rest of your life? I'm Jan's father-in-law, I'm harmless. He tried to look innocent, but this time Amanda laughed at him.
You are anything but harmless, and you know it And my kids think you're a masher.
That's nice. I hope Jan doesn't think that ' well, come to think of it, maybe she does. I guess for quite a while now, I've been one. But there's always the possibility that I might reform. Would that count?
No. And certainly not tonight. Maybe I should go home.
Tell you what, we'll go to Johnny Rocket. She smiled at the suggestion. It was where the kids hung out, drinking milkshakes and eating hamburgers, just like they did in the fifties.
And when they got there, they sat at the counter and ate chili dogs and fries, and drank milkshakes, and Amanda even managed to laugh at herself, before they ordered coffee.
Did I look like a complete fool running out of there? She looked like a kid who had made a huge faux pas, and couldn't believe she'd done it, but Jack loved everything about her.
No. You looked like a married woman out on a date, who had just seen her husband.
That's what I felt like, she confessed with a sigh, and then glanced up at him. Jack, I'm not up to this. Honestly, I'm not. I think you should go back to the chorus line again, you're a lot better off with them, believe me.
I think you should let me decide that. And then out of nowhere, he asked her what she was doing the following week for Christmas.
The kids are coming to my house on Christmas Eve, they do every year. And then this year we're going to Louise's on Christmas Day. Why? What do you do?
Sleep, usually. ' I mean, as in snoring, nothing more exotic than that. Christmas in the retail business is a nightmare. We're open till midnight on Christmas Eve, to accommodate our customers who can't face their shopping until nine o'clock that night, mostly husbands. It's as if they lose their calendars every year and find them at six o'clock on Christmas Eve' . Oh my God, it's Christmas! I usually take the last shift and then I go home and sleep for two days. It works for me, but I was just wondering if you wanted to go skiing with me the day after. You know, separate rooms, just good friends and all that.
I don't think I should. What if someone sees me? It hasn't been a year yet.
When will that be? He honestly couldn't remember.
On the fourth of January, she said solemnly, and I'm actually not much of a skier.
It was just an idea, I thought it might do you good, to get some fresh air, and get away. We could drive up to Lake Tahoe, or stop in San Francisco.
Maybe someday, she said vaguely, and he nodded. He was pushing it, and he knew it. She really wasn't ready.
Don't worry about it. Why don't you drop by the store one of these days. I'll be there all week, and we can eat caviar in my office. She smiled at the suggestion. In spite of his reputation, and the fact that she wasn't ready for this, she really liked him. And he seemed to understand everything that she was feeling. There was a warm, caring side to him, that had taken her by surprise and caught her off guard completely. And he seemed so much younger than Matt, so full of life, so happy to be with her, and much as she didn't want to feel that way about him, she found that she loved being with him.
They talked about it that night, in the car, on the way home, and he confessed that she was not at all what he had expected her to be, once he got to know her. She was funny and warm and kind and compassionate, and so vulnerable. Everything she said or did made him want to protect her.
Can you stand just being friends for a while, she asked him honestly, or maybe even forever? I don't know that I'll ever want to get involved again. I'm just not sure I could ever do that.
No one's asking you to make that decision, he said sanely, and she calmed down and stopped feeling quite as guitly. He came in for a while, and they drank mint tea in her kitchen, and then eventually he lit a fire in the living room, and they talked for a long time about the things that were important to them.
It was two o'clock when he left, and she didn't know where the night had gone. The hours seemed to fly by when they were together. The next morning he was busy at the store, and she spent the day doing all the last-minute details of getting ready for Christmas. She had already bought the tree, and she was decorating it that night when he called her.
What are you doing? he asked, sounding tired. He had been at the store for twelve hours, and he was exhausted.
Decorating the tree, she said, but she sounded sad, and she had put carols on the stereo, which suddenly seemed even sadder. It was her first Christmas without Matt, her first as a widow.
Do you want me to come by? I'm leaving the store in half an hour, and you're on my way home. I'd love to see you.
I don't think we should, she said honestly. She still needed time to mourn, and this was one of those private moments. Instead, they talked for a while, and when they hung up, she felt a little better, and he felt worse, and suddenly desperately lonely. He wondered if she was ever going to let go of Matt, or be ready to let someone in behind her walls. He knew that he had glimpsed into her heart, but she was still afraid to let him approach her, and maybe she always would be.
Jack drove slowly past her house on the way home, and he could see the lights blinking on the tree inside, but he couldn't see her. She was sitting in her bedroom, crying, because she was desperately afraid she was falling in love with Jack and she didn't want to. It wasn't fair to Matt, and more than anything, she didn't want to betray him. After twenty-six years she owed him more than that, more than just falling for the first man who came along, no matter how charming he was. And what would happen if she did turn out to be one of the girls in his chorus line? She would have cheapened herself for nothing. And she knew with absolute certainty that, for Matt's sake, and her own, she couldn't let that happen.
Jack called her when he got home, but she didn't answer the phone. She knew instinctively that it was him, and she didn't want to talk to him. She wanted to end this even before it happened.
She turned out the lights that night, and went to bed, and left the music on, and the strains of Silent Night drifted through the house as she cried, for two men, one she had loved for so long, and the other she would never know. It was hard to tell at that exact moment which pain was greater, and which of them she most longed for.
Chapter Five
Jack only called her once or twice over the next few days. He could sense what was happening to her, and he knew how hard it was for her over the holidays. Dori had died in November, and he had stayed drunk for an entire week between Christmas and New Year's.
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He wisely left Amanda alone to cope with her feelings privately, but on the morning of Christmas Eve, he had a Christmas gift dropped off for her. It was a small eighteenth-century sketch of an angel that she had admired in the store, and it was very pretty. He wrote a brief note to go with it, and told her that he hoped an angel would be watching over her, this Christmas and always. He signed it 'Jack, and she was deeply touched when she saw it, and a little while later she called to thank him. She sounded more distant than before, but a lot calmer. She was obviously coming to terms with whatever it was she was feeling. And although he was happy to hear from her, he was careful not to frighten her by being too intimate with her. But right now he was totally swallowed up by the store anyway. They had had a few problems, a small theft, a nearly fatal heart attack the day before, and a small army of lost children. The usual crises over Christmas. They had also lost the gold sequined dress of a famous star, and then found it miraculously, and had had two famous women slugging it out over one man, in cosmetics. The holidays had not been without excitement.
I hope you have a good time with your kids tonight, though I know it will be hard for you without Matt.
He always carved the turkey, she said sadly. She sounded so small suddenly, and all he wanted to do was put his arms around her.
Have Paul do it, Jack said gently. I taught him everything I know. About turkeys, not about women. She smiled at what he said, and asked him if there was any news about Paul. Jack told her that Paul had an appointment to go to the specialist between Christmas and New Year's. I hope everything checks out fine, Jack said hopefully.
So do I, she agreed with him, and she suddenly wished she had invited him to dinner, but the children would have wondered why he was there, and he couldn't have left the store anyway, and what point was there in asking him? She wasn't going to pursue a relationship with him. She had already made that decision, and as he sat listening to her on the phone, from his desk, Jack could hear her decision about him in her tone. She had already taken a definite distance from him. He thought about calling someone to go out with him on New Year's Eve, but for once in his life, he didn't even want to. He had already made reservations to go to Tahoe the day after Christmas, and he was going alone.
Merry Christmas, Amanda, he said gently before they hung up, and he sat in his office for a long time, thinking about her. He had never known anyone like her.
And that night, as he walked around the store, helping out wherever he was needed, he thought about them eating turkey at her house, the children, and the tree, his own son, and her two daughters, and he suddenly realized what a wasteland his life was. He had spent the last ten years chasing tits and cute little asses in tight blue jeans, and what had it gotten him? Absolutely nothing.
You don't look like you're having such a good Christmas, Gladdie said when she left that night. He had given her a beautiful cashmere coat, and an enormous bonus. Something wrong? The kids okay? She worried about him, and she knew there was no hot mama of the moment. She also knew that he had called Paul's mother-in-law several times, and she was afraid that he might be sick, or something might be wrong with the marriage, but Jack had purposely said nothing about it.
No, I'm fine, he lied. Except that I've wasted my life, the only woman I ever loved died thirteen years ago, and the best woman I've ever met before or since wants to bury herself with her husband. No big deal, Gladdie. Merry Christmas. Just tired, I guess. Christmas in this business is a killer.
Every year I tell myself we'll never get through it, but we do, she smiled. Financially, it had been their best year ever.
So what are you doing tonight? He smiled at her as she put her new coat on. It was a soft lavender-blue and she loved it.
Sleeping with my husband. Literally. The poor guy hasn't seen me awake in six weeks, and he probably won't for another week.
You should take a couple of days off. You deserve it.
Maybe when you're in Tahoe. But he knew she wouldn't. She never did. She was the only human being he knew who worked harder than he did.
As he did every year, he worked until after midnight, and he was with the night watchman when they finally locked up at one o'clock in the morning.
Merry Christmas, Mr. Watson.
Thanks, Harry. Same to you. He waved, and slid slowly into his red Ferrari. But he was too tired to sleep when he got home. He watched television for a while, and thought about calling someone, but by then it was three o'clock in the morning. And for some odd reason, he felt as though those days were over. He just didn't care anymore. There were no legs long enough, no breasts big enough, no skin soft enough to woo him.
Christ, maybe I'm dying, he said out loud, and then laughed to himself as he went to bed. Maybe turning sixty was doing it, and not just Amanda. There was no fool like an old fool, and he had certainly been one.
He slept until noon the next day, and thought about calling her, but when he did, she was already gone. She was at Louise's house with her family, eating yet another turkey. He drove out to north L.A. and picked up some Chinese food instead, and then sat on his unmade bed, eating it, and watching football. He called a couple of girls after that, and wanted to ask them out for dinner that night, but everyone was out, and he was actually relieved not to reach them.
He knew Amanda was home that night, but he didn't call. What could he say to her? Are you over your husband yet? Suddenly he felt like a fool for badgering her, and he tossed and turned all night, and thought of her. And finally, the next morning, he couldn't stand it. He was leaving for Tahoe that afternoon, but when she answered the phone he asked her if he could come by for a cup of coffee.
She sounded surprised, and a little worried, but she invited him over anyway. There was always the possibility that he wanted to talk to her about Paul, or Jan, but she didn't think so. And when she saw his face, when she opened the door to him at one o'clock, she knew that it had nothing to do with their children.
You look tired, she said, looking concerned about him.
I am. I can't sleep anymore. Turning sixty is rougher than I thought, he said with a wry smile. I think I'm finally losing my marbles.
How's that? He followed her inside, and they walked into her comfortable kitchen. She had a pot of coffee on, and offered him a cup, and then they sat down at her kitchen table.
He looked at her over his coffee and asked her bluntly, I've made a real nuisance of myself, haven't I? I guess mashers don't clean up all that well. I got a little overexcited. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, that was never my intention. He looked desperately unhappy as he said it, and a lot less than sixty. He looked and felt like a kid again, visiting the one girl in the class who didn't want to go steady with him. I know how hard this time is for you. I'm sorry if I made it any harder for you.
You didn't, Jack, she said gently, her eyes boring into his, she looked as unhappy as he felt, and as though she felt so desperately torn that she didn't know what to do about it. I know I shouldn't say this to you, but I've missed you. While he pretended to look calm, his heart flipped over as she said it.
You have? When?
For the past few days. I've missed talking to you, and seeing you. I honest to God don't know what I'm doing.
Neither do I. I've been feeling like an utter fool, and the biggest pain in the ass that ever lived. I've been trying to leave you alone, because I figured that was what you wanted.
I did. But there was a catch in her voice as she said it.
And now? He held his breath as he waited.
I don't know. She looked up at him with eyes the color of a cameo and all he wanted to do was kiss her, but he knew he couldn't.
Just take your time. You don't need to make any decisions. Go slow. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. ' And then he remembered, with a grin. Except Lake Tahoe.
Now? She smiled at him, she really liked being with him.
Later. I still have to go home and pack my ski clothes. I should have packed yesterday, but I
was too beat to do it. She nodded then, and they talked, and a little while later, they were comfortable again, and she was laughing at him. He was describing the incident in the store when the two women got into a fistfight over their common boyfriend.
Can you imagine what the tabloids would have done with that? And of course, if they got hold of it, both women would have blamed us for squealing. Actually, they deserved it. He still hadn't told her who they were, and said he wouldn't. He was surprisingly discreet about his business. So what are you going to do this week?
Nothing much. Maybe I'll see the kids, if they're not too busy. But he didn't reiterate his invitation to Lake Tahoe. He knew she just wasn't ready. Maybe I'll go to a movie. What about you? Are you taking anyone with you? She was still trying to convince herself they were just friends, and it wouldn't bother her in the least if he was taking a woman along, but it would have, and she knew it.
No, I'm going alone. I ski better that way. And then, tired of playing games with her, he took her hand in his and held it. I'm going to miss you. She nodded and said nothing, and then she looked at him, and she would have melted him to his soul if he'd been wearing asbestos. What are you doing on New Year's Eve? he asked casually, and she laughed at him.
Same thing I do every year. Matthew hated New Year's Eve. We went to bed at ten o'clock every year, and wished each other a Happy New Year the next morning.
Sounds exciting. He smiled.
What about you? she asked with interest.
Mine will be about like yours this year. I might stay up at Tahoe. And then as he looked at her, he felt suddenly stupid. On the other hand, Amanda, ' we could do something a little different. We could hang around together here. Just as friends, and go to movies and watch television together. I don't have to go to work, and there's no law that says we can't be friends, is there?
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