by T. S. Ryder
"I've got another one scheduled for two weeks. As long as nothing happens."
Two weeks. It wasn't very long. He let out a relieved, shaky sigh. "I'm glad. You'll be fine."
Lana glanced at him again. Her green eyes were jaded, uncertain. His heart sunk a little, yet he tried to remain optimistic. She was walking with him, after all. Speaking with him. That counted for something.
"I, uh . . . " He took a deep breath. "I want to be in their lives. I want to be in your life."
"Simon—"
"I know that this is all very confusing and scary, but just hear me out. It doesn't have to be romantic. In fact, it might be better if we tried to stay away from those types of feelings. But I haven't stopped thinking about you. I want to be your friend even if nothing else is possible."
Pain flashed across Lana's face and she wrapped her arms tighter. She was silent for a long time. So long that Simon's hands started to sweat. She was trying to think of a gentle way to let him down.
"Lana." He grasped her elbow, stopping her. "Please. I don't have to be their father. You can just tell them that I'm a friend. I'll give you child support. Anything you want. Just let me be in your lives."
"I don't need child support." Her voice came out weak and soft. "I'm rich. And I'm good with money, so it's not like it's going anywhere. I hear what you're saying, Simon, but it wouldn't work. Can you honestly say that you would be satisfied with only being a friend? Not a father, not . . . anything else. In our lives but only on the fringes?"
Simon opened his mouth to say yes, but the lie got stuck in his throat.
Lana's shoulders slumped. "I didn't think so."
"We don't have to have a romantic relationship."
"That's what we said when you were my doctor. Look at how well that went."
"We didn't do anything—"
"Nothing sexual, but we still crossed boundaries. You know we did."
Simon sighed but nodded.
"I couldn't get you out of my mind, and every time I see you, it's like . . . it's like I'm seeing the sun for the first time. You're right about one thing, though. It's better if we stay away from those types of feelings." Her arms remained firmly around her middle and tears began to leak from her eyes. "I can't do this. Between cancer and looking after my girls, I don't have the strength. I'm sorry. There can be nothing between us."
Simon stayed where he was as she turned and walked away. He felt like he had been stabbed in the heart. He had finally learned how to move on from Katie . . . How was he meant to move on from Lana?
Chapter Eleven – Lana
"But Mommy, I want to go back!" Evie wailed.
Lana stroked her fingers through her daughter's blonde hair. "I know, but we need to go home."
They had gone to the shifter cultural hall that morning to take part in a craft activity specifically geared towards shifter children and non-shifter parents. It had been a lot of fun, but after half an hour, Lana had started feeling sick. Half an hour after that, she had a pounding headache, her limbs felt weighted down and she had to call the girls and head home. There had been a few times where she feared she'd have to pull over and be sick but luckily she stayed steady. The girls had been noisily voicing their displeasure ever since leaving the hall, though.
"But I didn't finish my noodle art," Elaine complained. "And we didn't see Simon."
Lana flinched. Part of her had been hoping that Simon would be at the hall for some unrelated reason. Seeing him would have helped . . . She had to stamp that idea out quickly. Apparently, the girls were used to seeing him there, too, because they had started asking when he was going to arrive as soon as they got there.
Was it really fair for her to keep them separate? Even though they didn't know that Simon was their father, he was a fixture in their lives. More than she had realized, apparently, since they had whined about needing him there for the first five minutes of arts and crafts.
They would probably run into each other again. Simon would come to the cultural hall, and she wasn't going to keep them away from the shifter culture. Maybe she and Simon could work something out where he could spend time with them at the hall. It would be good for all of them, right?
"I wanna go back," Evie said, stomping a little foot.
"Mommy's not feeling good," Lana told them. "Why don't you find Peter? Maybe he would like to do noodle art here at home."
The twins joined hands and raced off. Lana sank into a chair, exhausted but grateful that they didn't force the argument. The last thing she needed right now was to have to deal with their stubbornness.
Two weeks. Two whole weeks before she could get her surgery. She rested her face in her hands. Why did it have to turn out like this?
She hated it. All of it. She hated still having this tumor inside of her. She hated that she kept thinking she needed to push Simon away, to keep a distance between them. She hated that she wanted to call him up, wanted to fall into his arms. Hated how tired she was, how exhausted she was of keeping up a brave face and not letting anybody see how terrified she was.
When she first got the diagnosis, she told herself it would all be fine because she was being proactive and nipping the problem in the bud. She was doing what was necessary in order to get herself better. At the time, she felt like she had everything under control. It was terrifying, yes, but she was doing what she could. She was getting her surgeon to take the tumor out of her; she was making sure things didn't get worse.
Now everything was falling apart. She didn't know how to stop it – didn't know where to start getting her life back in control.
Kari came into the room and Lana straightened, letting out a heavy sigh. It was going to work out. She just needed to keep treading water even if she couldn't swim. The surgery would happen. She could figure out whatever else was going on in her life later.
"Hey," Kari greeted her with a tight smile. "So, the girls were just telling me that Dr. Wolfe wasn't at the hall today."
Lana stood and pulled off her jacket. "I didn't expect him to be. They were disappointed, though."
Kari watched her for a moment. "So, what are you going to tell them the next time you go and he is there?"
A shrug answered her.
"Look, you made the right choice when you turned him down. You don't need a man like that in your life."
Lana snorted despite herself. "A man like that? What do you mean by that?"
"I mean a man that will leave a party with a girl half his age and—"
"I was the girl who left a party with a man twice my age."
Kari scowled. "You don't sleep around. From what you told me about that conversation you overheard with him and the nurse, he does."
"So?"
"So, I'm saying that you made the right choice."
Lana hunched over. This was yet another reason why she felt like everything was out of her control. In the past, she'd been able to talk to Kari about almost everything. Her older sister was somewhat more emotional than she was, but she was able to express her own feelings and work through her frustrations. Kari had decided that she didn't like Simon, though. That meant that it was hard to talk to her about him without her sister instantly going all fire and pitchforks.
"Where are the girls?"
"I put them in the reading room with Peter," Kari replied. "I told them that we'd do noodle art after half an hour. I set a timer – don't worry."
"Good." Evie wouldn't let the other two leave the room until the timer went off. A stickler for rules, that one. "I need to talk to you."
Kari sat down. "Of course, sweetie."
"I know that you don't like Simon and you keep saying that I made the right choice when I told him there wasn't room in my life for him. But if I made the right choice, why do I feel so terrible? It's like I'm skydiving and I cut the ropes to my parachute."
"You are not parachuting," Kari said firmly. "Robert and I are here for you, and we've got all of our friends. You have a safety net. You don't need to cling
to the ropes that . . . " She trailed off and shook her head. "You don't need him."
"Maybe not, but I want him." She wanted his strength, his calmness, his arms around her. "What if I made a mistake?"
"You didn't. It's the hormones."
"Hormones," Lana repeated.
"Yes. This situation is scary, so your hormones are all out of whack. Dr. Wolfe gave you confidence and stability as your doctor. That is what you are craving right now. You don't want him, you want what he can give you. Once things have calmed down, you'll see I'm right."
Lana was silent, unsure if she agreed with her sister or not. Maybe it was just hormones. She sucked in a shaky breath. She did crave the physical contact as much as the emotional support. The thought of Simon's body over hers, her ankles locked behind his hips while his mouth buried into her neck made her core squeeze. She closed her eyes for a moment, letting herself indulge in the fantasy. Imagining his hand between their bodies while he took her like an animal nearly made her groan.
"After your surgery, you should start some real dating," Kari interrupted her daydreams.
Lana struggled to return to the present. "Real dating?"
"Yeah. Real dating. Going on multiple dates, doing activities with a guy. Not just one dinner or movie followed by saying there wasn't any spark."
Well, that was a familiar argument. Lana couldn't help but smile. "Maybe."
"It will take your mind off of him." Kari made a face and snorted. "And somebody should tell him that flowers aren't going to work."
Lana straightened. "Flowers? What flowers?"
"They're in the kitchen, but—"
Lana took off before Kari could finish the sentence, her heart in her throat and a strange tingling feeling in her hands. Her heart pounded as much as Lana tried to calm herself. It was ridiculous to react this way to flowers.
When she got to the kitchen, she saw a beautiful bouquet of roses – yellow roses. Friendship roses. She stopped right beside them and reached to touch their velvet petals. They were more fragrant than the usual flowers she saw in the store. The bright yellow color made the kitchen look all the more inviting. A card in a sealed envelope sat next to them with her name written on the front. She ripped it open as Kari came into the kitchen after her.
Dear Lana, the card started.
I just wanted to apologize again for my recent actions. I should not have presumed that you would want me in your life. I understand your trepidation, and I assure you that I have no intentions of pushing this further. I hoped that we could be friends, but you are right. I don't think that would be good enough for me.
She chewed her lip. Not good enough for her, either. Why did her heart have to beat so fast and her cheeks heat like this?
If you need me for anything, I will be there. If not, I will keep my distance.
Respectfully, Simon.
She sighed heavily as she dropped the card and looked at the flowers again. "They're beautiful."
"They're a bribe."
"They're an apology. Here." Lana handed her the card.
"Lana—"
"I'm going to go lie down. I have this massive headache."
Kari looked a little suspicious but didn't comment. Lana moved slowly to her room, wondering what to do now. She couldn't just call up Simon, could she? No, not after the selfish way she had been treating him. In her room, she stripped off her clothes and pulled on a nighty before crawling into bed. Her headache still pounded at her temples, but despite trying really hard to just clear her mind, Simon's smile kept floating into her mind.
With a low sigh, she grabbed her phone and dialed him.
"Lana?" he greeted. His voice was light and hopeful.
"Hi." She chewed her lip. "Thank you for the flowers. They're really beautiful."
"You're welcome. I almost didn't send them. I don't want to be pushy."
Lana sagged against her mattress, her eyes filling with tears. Seriously, why did she have to start crying now? "You're not. You're being really sweet. Too sweet, maybe. I'm sorry for reacting the way I did. I shouldn't have gotten so defensive. You didn't do anything wrong and I just freaked out."
"It's okay."
"No, it's not." She sucked in a deep breath as her voice shook. "I'm scared. Scratch that. I'm terrified. About relationships, about you, about this surgery. I'm just so scared." She sucked in another breath as he was silent. "I know that I pushed you away. I thought that it would make things easier if I didn't have to think about what our relationship was or what it meant to me. But I'm still scared."
"It's okay." Simon's voice was low and soothing. "You have every right to be scared. This is a scary surgery. But you're going to be fine."
Two tears leaked from her eyes. "Will you go in with me?"
"Yes." There was no hesitation when he answered. "I will be there. I promise."
Chapter Twelve – Simon
Two Weeks Later
Simon stroked his thumb over the back of Lana's hand as she slept. She looked overly pale in the sterile hospital bed. The surgery was complete, and now she was sleeping soundly. She had briefly woken up after the sedation and asked for him, but had quickly fallen asleep again once he held her hand. Since then, he had only left her long enough to go to the waiting room and tell Kari and the rest of her family that she was doing fine and that he'd let them know when they could come in and see her.
The nurses tried to tell him that he shouldn't be with her and that she needed rest, but her heart rate started increasing when they tried to kick him out and calmed when he was near her again. The nurses reluctantly let him stay after he showed them his doctor's credentials.
Lana stirred and Simon sat straighter in his chair. He gripped her hand a little tighter. A yawn stretched her jaws and then she settled. A smile crossed her face as her lids fluttered open. When she saw him, her eyes, still hazy with painkillers, brightened.
"Hey," she croaked.
"Hey, yourself." He smiled at her. "Need water?"
She nodded, and he held a cup to her so she could sip from a straw. She smiled at him, squeezing his hand. "Evie and Elaine?"
"Kari and Robert have them at the park across the street. I'll text them that you're awake."
"Thank you." She yawned again. "Can you help me sit?"
Simon adjusted the bed, shot off a quick text to Kari, and squeezed Lana's hand again. Even though he'd gotten the report from her surgeon, he still had to hold back from checking her charts himself. She still looked pale and weak, but a little color was returning to her face and her eyes were clearing. He couldn't help but grin at her.
"You're smiling. That's good."
"Well, the surgery was a success; easy and simple; in and out. You'll notice some tenderness in your breast, but, with the implanted shifter tissue, you should be healed in a week. Maybe less."
"Good." Her free hand slowly moved to the breast that they had operated on. Her fingers ran lightly over the bandages beneath her hospital gown, and she winced a little. "Tell me honestly . . . is it smaller?"
Simon shook his head. "Maybe. Honestly, in this outfit, there really isn't any way to tell. But it's okay if it is, you know. If you're really concerned, you can always go get a cosmetic surgeon do so something with it. It's natural to have breasts be different sizes, though."
Lana laughed and shook her head. "No, I don't really care. I guess I might have been concerned about that, but right now I'm just . . . relieved. I was afraid the whole thing was going to have to come off. But now . . . I don't know if I even want to get rid of the scar, you know? Maybe it's the drugs . . . but dudes dig battle scars, right?"
She giggled, then winced as the motion shook her. Simon brushed some hair from her face.
"You're beautiful no matter what."
A smile crossed her lips, then it fell to a frown. She tugged the ends of her hair, staring at it for a long moment. "I'm gonna shave it off."
"What?"
"I'm gonna have it shaved and then make a wig out
of it. I decided that just before I went under." Lana took a deep, shuddering breath. "I'm going to lose it anyway when I go into chemo. Honestly, I'm more worried about my hair than about my boobs. You can get these reconstructed easy enough, but wigs always look fake."
Simon couldn't help himself. He leaned forward and kissed her cheek. "It will grow back."
He moved to her lips, lightly brushing his mouth on hers. Her eyelids fluttered, but instead of leaning forward as he hoped, she drew back and shook her head. She looked miserable as she did so, but her eyes were still firm.
He opened his mouth to apologize, but Lana cut him off. "Why did you decide to be a surgeon?"
"The money mostly," Simon answered wryly. "I also heard that surgeons did well with women. But not for why you're thinking . . . I was probably sixteen and trying to impress Katie. I later married her. She's the reason I decided to specialize in cancer research, too."
Lana cocked her head to one side, eyes wide. In everything they had been through together, he hadn't opened up this much to her, so it was no wonder she was surprised. Simon took a moment to collect his thoughts, then moved the chair a little closer. By this time, Lana's thumb was brushing over the back of his hand, whether consciously or not he didn't know.
"Katie was human. She died of cancer."
Lana's eyes widened.
"I knew from the time I was young that she was the one for me. I thought the only one. When she died, it felt like I had been ripped in half. Nothing had any joy, and I couldn't see a reason why I should go on without her."
Her hand tightened around his. "Is that how you still feel?"
"No." He shook his head. "It went on for a few months, though. Until one day when I was working on a patient and they went into cardiac arrest. I brought them back. That's when I realized that I was a doctor. I had a life ahead of me to actually make a difference in other people's lives. So I decided to focus on cancer research – to battle against the disease that took my love from me."
"Simon . . . I had no idea."
He smiled softly at her. "I didn't tell you. The truth is, I never stopped mourning her loss. Or, rather, I didn't allow myself to stop mourning for her. She's been gone for so long, but I haven't been able to let her go. And I refused to ever let myself go through that pain again, so I started sleeping around. I jumped into bed with any woman who showed interest in me. Used it as an excuse to keep them all at arm's length."
