by Cheree Alsop
“I know,” I forced past the lump in my throat. “I'm sorry I didn't call earlier. This is the first time we found a phone, I-”
“We?” Kaynan's voice grew stronger. “Who's with you, Colleen? Are you okay? Are you a prisoner or-”
“I'm okay,” I cut him off. “I'm with Rafe. He saved me from the fire.”
“Who's Rafe?”
I remembered they hadn't even thought Rafe could speak, let alone have a name. This wasn't going to be easy. “Rafe is the werewolf from the rehab center, in the analysis room.”
“I don't remember anyone named Rafe, especially in the analysis center. There was only you and. . . .” He fell silent, processing, then he spoke in a voice thick with disbelief. “Don't tell me you're with that wild wolf.”
“He's not wild-”
“Colleen!” he cut me off. “He's dangerous. I can't believe you're with him and you've waited this long to let me know you're alive. I've been at the center helping them sift through the wreckage and fearing that I was going to find your body.” His voice grew tighter, “But I also feared where you were if I didn't. I don't know what I'd do if Tannin's men found you again.”
“So it was Dr. Tannin?” I fought back a wave of nausea.
“We're not sure, but it's the best guess we've got,” Kaynan answered. I could almost hear him frown. “No changing the subject, Colleen. We need to get you home. You can't trust that wild wolf-”
“He's not a wolf, he's a werewolf and he's not wild.” I was surprised at the sudden defensiveness that filled me when he spoke about Rafe. “He saved my life, and he's a good guy.”
Kaynan took a breath and let it out loudly. “Okay,” he said in a forcibly steady tone. “He's a good guy. Let's get you both home where you're safe and go from there.”
I felt eyes on me and looked up to see Rafe watching me from the foliage at the edge of the gas station parking lot. His golden eyes reflected the moonlight, and there was an expression of sadness on his face as though he guessed what we were talking about. I knew that if I went back to civilization, he wouldn't be going with me.
I took a breath to steady my resolve. “I'm not coming home.”
Disbelief colored Kaynan's voice. “What do you mean, you're not coming home? You've got to come home. Everyone's missing you and you're not safe out there-”
“I can't go back behind walls and doors, Kay.” The image it evoked sent a shudder through my skin. I pushed the thought away and continued despite his protests, “I'm learning how to control myself. It's easier out here without people trying to tell me I should have more self-control, or I'm not safe to be around, or listening to them talk about how they don't know what they'll do with me if I don't learn to control it. I hear them behind the doors, Kay. I know what everyone thinks.” More tears flowed down my cheeks. I wiped them away with my sleeve.
Kaynan's voice came softer. “Colleen, we can work this out. You don't need to stay away.”
I shook my head even though he couldn't see it. “I need to work things out. I promise I'll be back.”
“I need to see you, Cole. I need to know you're okay.” His voice grew desperate. “It nearly killed me to think you had died in that fire or Tannin's men got you. Ask the others. I've been working non-stop since the fire searching through the wreckage to find you and know if I had killed you again.”
My heart slowed. “The fire wasn't your fault. You didn't make it happen.”
“But you weren't safe there. I shouldn't have gone back to Jaze's. I shouldn't have let you out of my sight. I-”
I cut him off with the realization of what I needed to do for both of us. “Kay, I need you to listen to me.” I paused, and when he stopped talking, I said, “You can't live your life if you're so worried about me. The accident wasn't just your fault. I knew you had been drinking and I should have called Mom and Dad instead of getting in the car with you.” He tried to protest, but I rushed on, “We both died in an accident and for some reason we've been given another chance at living again.” I took a shallow breath. “I'm going with Rafe and I don't want you to worry about me.”
“Colleen, I-”
“I need to find myself out here, and you need to find a new life there without me so that when I come back, you'll be able to stop worrying about losing me. Neither of us can live that way.”
“Tell me where you are. We can discuss it there instead of over the phone.”
My heart caught in my throat at the pain in his voice, but I refused. “You spent practically every waking moment at the rehab center. I don't know why Grace even put up with that. She's an amazing person and she loves you and I know you love her.”
“Colleen, wait, I-”
A beep on the phone indicated I had ten seconds left.
“Kaynan, I've gotta go, but I'll call you. I'm safe, so please don't worry. I love you.”
“Colleen, don't go!”
“Bye, Kaynan.” I hung up the phone to the sound of his protests and a fresh wave of tears rolled down my face. I let myself seep in self-pity for a few moments, missing him, my mom and dad, my friends, Debra who had died in the car accident with us, my school, and my old life so fiercely it was hard to breathe.
I leaned against the old pay phone that smelled of hundreds of people and the occasional forest creature that came to lick the salt of sweat off the phone handle, and allowed myself to fear for one moment the different creature I had become. I feared my stronger senses, the instincts that told me to run or fight when my old tendency was to act as a peacemaker. I feared the call of the moon and the power it had over me. I feared the forest that grew up to the edge of the parking lot and in some places overturned the pavement with reaching roots as though it longed to take back the land that had once been a part of it. And I feared the werewolf that watched me from the shadows of that forest, also a part of it in a way that I would never be.
Then I looked up straight into Rafe's eyes. The distance between us felt like inches, and I could smell the wild, woodsy, cedar and winter rain scent of him even from across the parking lot. His gaze held a depth of sadness that said he had heard our conversation, but also that somewhere inside he felt a similar pain of loss with which he could identify. I wanted to ask him what it was, but he tipped his head to remind me of the gas station.
I sighed, wondering why he could fluster me so much that I kept forgetting what I was doing. I closed my eyes and found the center of calm Mom had once told me was one of my greatest gifts. I let the calm overcome the torrent of thoughts caused by my conversation with Kaynan and the fears of what I had become. The whirlwind inside faded to a manageable gust.
I took a breath and stepped into the gas station. It felt strange to walk on the cold tile floor with bare feet, neon lights glaring overhead and cigarette signs flashing behind the cash register. The cashier, a boy even younger than me who was probably pulling late hours for his gas money, glanced up from the graphic novel he was reading, looked back down at the page, then stared up at me again, his eyes wide behind big glasses and disheveled hair.
I walked past him to the two racks of clothes, grateful that as the only gas station in town it also served as a gift shop and mini mart. I found a dark gray teeshirt and a pair of blue jean shorts that would fit somewhat decently, pulled the tags off, set them on the counter in front of the still-staring cashier, and changed into the clothes in the surprisingly clean restroom. I then used the restroom with the relish of one who had been confined to Mother Nature for relief.
I found black shorts and a dark blue shirt that I thought Rafe would like, then laughed at myself for thinking I knew anything about his likes or dislikes. It unnerved me to know I was going back into the wild with him. I shoved the thought aside and bought jerky, trail mix, two big bottles of water, and a backpack to carry it all in with the remainder of the money.
The cashier stared at me with a mixture of curiosity and surprise. I realized I must have looked like quite the wreck when I walked in, and was grateful tha
t the teeshirt and shorts fit somewhat reasonably. His cell phone sat on the counter next to the cash register and I glanced at it. “Does that get good reception out here?” I asked as casually as I could manage.
“Uh, it, uh, yeah,” he stuttered out, his eyes wide. He swallowed, then straightened his glasses and sat up. “It’s the best phone for reception you can get.” He indicated the mountains. “Anything else, and you’re pretty much screwed up here.”
I smiled at him; he shifted in his seat and gave me a crooked grin back. I pushed the clothes, tags, and items I had gathered onto the counter. “I’ll get these, thank you.”
He stared at me a second longer, then swallowed again and nodded. “Yes, of course.” He rang them up one by one and I packed them into the backpack. I pulled the backpack off the counter when he was done, sliding the cell phone underneath it as I did so. I caught it when it fell and slipped it into my pocket.
“That’ll be thirty-nine eighty,” he said.
I felt a wave of gratitude for the woman's generosity and handed him the money. I slipped the change into a pocket of the backpack and headed back out into the night with the gawking cashier behind me, a cell phone in my pocket, and a backpack full of supplies.
Chapter 5
I had lost all sense of direction, time, or date other than the fact that it was almost two days from the gas station heading deep into forested hills that smelled nothing of man or civilization by the time Rafe stopped and said in his soft, calm voice that we had made it. My uncontrolled phasing had slowed during our journey; I didn’t know if it was the open woods or the fact that no one was there to tell me not to phase that made it easier, but Rafe’s patience and easy acceptance of my struggle eased my frustration. He phased whenever I did, and never indicated that it bothered him if I slowed us down.
I stared through the trees ahead and couldn't see anything until the breeze shifted and brought me a scent like that of the werewolf but deeper, more full, and mixed with the pine and loam of the forest as though the scents were one. I narrowed my eyes and studied the clearing.
My heart jumped when a form next to one of the boulders lifted its head and looked in our direction. A gray and brown wolf, smaller than a werewolf but bigger than the wolves I had seen in the zoo, sniffed the air and then rose to his feet. Other forms stood with him and stared in our direction until I looked into the calm, searching golden eyes of seven wolves.
Rafe held up a hand for me to stay where I was, then walked toward them. The biggest wolf, a dark gray creature with black markings along its back and shoulders, stepped forward and waited for Rafe with his ears up, his muzzle high, and tail held stiff. Rafe crouched in his human form so that he and the wolf were eye-level and about two feet stood between them. The wolf took three slow steps forward, his eyes never leaving Rafe’s.
Rafe didn't look away, but his gaze was calm and non-threatening. He kept his hands on his knees and the barest hint of a smile touched his lips even though his eyes shone with obvious happiness. The wolf sniffed his face, followed by his chest, hands, and hair, then walked a full circle around him smelling his clothes, feet, and back.
The wolf went around to sniff his face again and the animal's breath moved Rafe’s hair back from his face. Rafe laughed and pushed the wolf. The wolf snorted, then licked Rafe across the face. Rafe wiped his face with a hand and the other wolves bounded forward, surrounding him in a pile of paws, softly wagging tails, excited yips, and much sniffing and licking.
Rafe ran his hands through each wolf's fur and spoke to them in undertones I couldn't make out. He seemed lost with them in a world I couldn't follow, and the look on his face was one of contentment, and, finally, peace. I watched him with the wild wolves and couldn't help smiling at how happy he seemed with them, and how they hadn't forgotten him. I wondered what his full story was; it was obvious they were special to him and they treated him as one of their own.
I moved a foot slightly and a twig snapped beneath my toes. Rafe’s head jerked up as if he had just remembered me. He gave me a sheepish smile and rose from his sitting position to his knees. “Sorry. It's been a while.” He motioned for me to join him.
Advancing on seven wild wolves was something I hadn't prepared for. I set a foot into the thicket and they all rose around Rafe.
“It's alright,” he reassured them softly. “She's with me.” He turned back to me. “They won't hurt you. I promise.”
“Do they understand you?” I asked to cover my fear.
He shook his head with a small smile. “It's more the tone they respond to. Wolves don't have a set language. They speak through body language and tones instead of words.” He set a hand on the lead wolf's shoulder. “She's a friend,” he said quietly.
I took another few steps into the clearing, then stopped where he indicated.
“Kneel down,” he instructed, his eyes holding mine.
My heart pounded in my throat, but I knelt slowly into the long grass that swayed around us. Rafe rose and knelt next to me. The wolves followed him and I clenched my hands together so tightly that they hurt. Rafe noticed and put his hand over mine. The touch sent a rush of warmth through my skin. I wondered if he could hear the way my pulse rushed.
“Hold out your hands like this,” he said, showing me his hand palm up with his fingers loosely closed.
I did as he instructed and froze when the big wolf stuck out his dark muzzle and sniffed my hand. He then licked my palm and turned away with a soft snort. The others wolves rushed to me, their noses sniffing and tails waving.
“What just happened?” I asked, amazed.
“He accepted you as a visitor to the pack,” Rafe said, reaching out to rub a small brown wolf under the chin. The wolf leaned into his hand and he scratched its forehead as well.
“What if he refused me?”
Rafe kept his gaze on the small wolf. “The pack would have attacked.”
I stared at him, my heart in my throat. “Now you tell me!”
He glanced at me and gave a small, serious smile. “Don't worry. I would have defended you.”
I shook my head in disbelief and smiled when a lithe, gray wolf let me rub her ears.
“Smile with your mouth closed,” Rafe advised. “It's better not to show teeth.”
I quickly shut my mouth and dropped my hand. “Am I going to get eaten out here?”
He regarded me for a moment, and when I stared at him, he lifted an eyebrow. “You really think I would have brought you into danger just after getting you out of it?”
He rose and several wolves trailed behind him through the clearing. I glanced at the other wolves around me and hurried to follow. The wolves walked with an air of belonging to the wild woods, so different from the few dogs I had been around that they didn't even seem related. The wolves exuded a confidence of their own abilities, and I felt like one of them instead of a master surrounded by pets.
Rafe waited for me just past the trees and lead me into a quiet hollow where older, towering trees provided shelter and thickly interlocking bushes created an enclosed space with only a few exits. One tree, a massive old oak toward the end, had fallen and the exposed roots made a hollow in the earth. Someone or something had dug away at the hollow to create a tunnel.
Rafe crouched a few paces away and threw me a smile. “Watch.”
He gave a soft, whining sound, then waited. A few seconds later, a female wolf almost as big as the alpha but so skinny her ribs showed through her soft tawny fur came out and rushed at Rafe. He put his arms around her neck and held her tight. She whined and licked his face and he laughed, saying soft things to her that I couldn't make out.
The female wolf gave a sharp bark and glanced at the tunnel. I had to stifle a laugh when four fat, clumsy wolf cubs appeared. They fell over each other and tripped on their own feet in an effort to reach Rafe first.
“They're new,” he said with a grin. A cloud swept across his face. “A lot happens in six months.” The cloud disappeared as quickly as
it appeared and he buried his head in a wolf pup's downy fur. “They're perfect.” He glanced back at me. “Come and see.”
“Are you sure it's alright?” I knew mother animals defended their babies and didn't want to risk any of my limbs as much as I wanted to hold a pup.
Rafe nodded. “They trust me and they'll trust you because you came with me. Don't worry.”
I took a calming breath and crossed the ground to his side, then sat down. The pups immediately swarmed to me, tripping over my legs and licking my fingers. The mother wolf sniffed my hair and ice ran through my veins at the fear that she would bite me, but she merely gave a concluding sniff and went to lie down near the tunnel entrance.
Rafe settled on his back and let the pups climb all over him. He rubbed their ears and tugged on their paws and let them chew on his fingers with their needle-sharp milk teeth. He closed his eyes and truly relaxed for the first time.
I ran my hands through the grass at my side while one of the chubby female puppies slept in my lap. I took a deep breath of the cool forest air and for the first time, I wanted to phase just so that I could better experience what it was to be a wolf; but I didn't want to break Rafe's reverie, so I settled for watching the leaves sway in the trees overhead and bring down the scent of rain and ever-present life.
***
Rafe glanced back at me, then ducked into a small cave entrance about a half-mile from the wolves' den. “You can come in. It's empty,” he called out.
I ducked under the stone lip and was surprised to find a wide cavern beyond. The ground sloped downhill to a flat place about the size of an average living room. The charcoaled remains of an old fire sat near the entrance, while the rest of the cave was littered with pieces of wood, a few scraps of clothing, and what looked like an old bear hide. A camper's cooler sat in one corner, while crystal clear water trickled down the other side to form a tiny pool.
