GLENDA: She didn’t?
BARRY: I had to close me eyes after that.
GLENDA: I always think how attractive you look with your eyes closed, Barry.
BARRY: You know, I’d do anything for you, except teach your mother to drive. Honest, Brenda.
GLENDA: The name’s Glenda, Barry, it’s always been Glenda. You’re a stranger, Barry. You won’t eat your éclair and you’re calling me Brenda.
‘MERRY CHRISTMAS, FATHER CHRISTMAS’
Wesley has been summoned into the house by Edie.
EDIE: Now, wash your hands. I’ve run you some nice hot water—and don’t splash!
WESLEY: Don’t splash? Have you ever tried dabbling in water without splashing?
EDIE: Well, three people drowning wouldn’t spread it about worse than you.
WESLEY: What’s it all in aid of, anyway?
EDIE: All? All? I have asked you to get your hands clean, that is all. It’s not major surgery. You’ll be on your feet in no time.
MEMORIES…
‘Gordon Wharmby, as Wesley, was a great natural actor. When he came to see me, he’d done bits on TV, but when he read the script, he put so much character into his one line about bringing back a ladder. Impressed, I gave him another script, and although I’d already seen an actor in London for the Wesley part, I asked Gordon to read it. He made the scene very funny and real. He was a painter and decorator and had only done one-lines, but I took the chance and recruited him. He was word-perfect and got big laughs in front of the audience. Two years later, Roy brought him in as a regular character.’
ALAN J W BELL (Producer/Director)
WESLEY: I’m just in the middle of giving me engine a tune.
EDIE: Well, you can play to it later.
‘DANCING FEET’
Clegg emerges from the Co-op, where Nora and Ivy had been fending off Compo.
CLEGG: I hate being caught between Ivy and Nora, you never know which way to panic.
‘TO ME, TEAM.’ (HOBBO)
‘THAT CERTAIN SMILE’
Seymour, Clegg and Compo are devising a plan to smuggle Clem Hemmingway’s dog into his hospital ward. As the dog proves to be bad tempered, they call in at Barry and Glenda’s for a sedative. Barry is coming to terms with married life.
BARRY: I can hardly believe it happened, really. I find meself stopping in front of mirrors. I look at this bloke in the mirror, and I think: ‘That’s you, you fool. You’re married.’ And do you know what’s, what’s really weird? I haven’t got the first idea how it actually happened.
GLENDA: (Enters room) It happened because I have to make all the decisions for him. (To Seymour) We’ve got these travelsick pills. They make you feel dozy.
MEMORIES…
‘I was working in the theatre when Alan Bell offered me the part. He said Brian Wilde was leaving the show and he was bringing in a new family, with Thora Hird and Michael Aldridge. He wanted me to play the son-in-law. I thought it was a one-off appearance in a feature-length episode. How wrong I was.
‘The character was well written so it was obvious what was required. And I struck up a good working relationship with Sarah, who plays Glenda, and we never had a word of disagreement.
‘At one point, I was working on three series at once and it was hard keeping everything going: something had to give and that was Summer Wine. I left the show for a while but was pleased when, later, Alan invited me back.
‘I’ll never forget filming the episode, ‘Support Your Local Skydiver’, which involved a remote-controlled engine. In fact, a proper-sized engine had been placed on the chassis for the scene involving some of us opening the doors of Wesley’s garage and this vehicle creeping out. But when we did the scene, it flew out, nicking me, nearly hitting others and coming close to wrecking the camera before smashing into the wall of somebody’s house.’
MIKE GRADY (Barry)
SEYMOUR: Oh, they’ll be fine, dear, just the job.
GLENDA: At least, they made me feel dozy. Barry went to sleep.
BARRY: What’s so terrible about going to sleep?
GLENDA: We were on honeymoon!
‘DOWNHILL RACER’
Nora and Ivy are expressing their disapproval of one of the town’s women-folk.
NORA: Oh, it’s a dead giveaway. Show me an expensive hairstyle and I’ll show you somebody who’s no better than she should be.
‘THE FORMER MRS TRUELOVE.’ (TRULY)
IVY: No.
NORA: I always think, tidy but unattractive is the soundest base for an unblemished reputation.
IVY: (Takes a long look at Nora) Got it cracked then, haven’t you?
‘THE DAY OF THE WELSH FERRET’
Compo, Clegg and Seymour are on their way to a funeral.
COMPO: I think I’d like to be cremated.
SEYMOUR: (Frustrated) Oh, now he tells us, when he knows nobody’s got a match.
DID YOU KNOW?
Last of the Summer Wine is the world’s longest running sitcom, having kicked off in 1973.
MEMORIES…
‘Michael Aldridge was a nice guy. He played a different character, not as popular as Foggy. which wasn’t his fault, it was mine because Seymour wasn’t as obvious a character. He was eccentric enough to appeal to me, but the character’s eccentricities weren’t as popular as Foggy’s. The same applies to Frank Thornton’s character, Truly. Again, his eccentricities weren’t as obvious as Foggy’s, so he was never going to be as instantly popular.’
ROY CLARKE
‘Over the years, Pearl has become more confident. She began as a nervous, worried little women but is increasingly outgoing and has developed a sense of humour. I love playing her. Filming in the Yorkshire countryside is lovely, too, although the show has introduced me to thermal vests and long johns—it can be freezing on those hills!’
JULIETTE KAPLAN (Pearl)
‘CRUMS’
Compo, Clegg and Seymour, wearing Santa suits, are collecting for charity. They see an ‘impostor’ Father Christmas.
SEYMOUR: Did you see that?
CLEGG: Some fool dressed as Father Christmas.
SEYMOUR: It’s no wonder we’re not collecting any money. There’s some unauthorised Father Christmas dodging about the town, beating us to it. We’ve got to stop him.
CLEGG: But how?
SEYMOUR: Well, we’ll have to catch him.
CLEGG: I’m not running around chasing Father Christmases, dressed like Father Christmas. It’ll look as if Walt Disney is in town.
MEMORIES…
‘When I wrote the pilot, Nora Batty was just the woman next door to Compo. I didn’t spend any time on the character; actually, I didn’t think she was a character, just a woman with a couple of lines. But she had such an impact from word one that I thought, “she’s staying”. Kathy Staff made her into what she became.’
ROY CLARKE
‘When Michael Aldridge had to give up because his wife was unwell—he was in tears when he told me because he regarded Summer Wine as the best job he’d had—I asked Brian Wilde back; it was a logical choice because he was the most popular of the third men.
‘Seymour may not have been universally liked from the beginning but grew on the fans. I think he was very funny and some of the best episodes were with him. Whereas Foggy was a leader, Seymour was the inventor who’d come up with lots of strange ideas, opening up lots of avenues for Roy. Michael Aldridge acted as a catalyst, bringing the three actors together. He even made them meet up for dinner on Sundays.’
ALAN J W BELL (Producer/Director)
‘RETURN OF THE WARRIOR’
Now that Seymour has left, Compo and Clegg find themselves without any leadership so they pass the time of day in Ivy’s café.
CLEGG: Suddenly, life is like first-class mail. There doesn’t seem to be any urgency anymore.
‘BUT I COULD BE LYING.’ (TRULY)
‘THE EMPIRE THAT FOGGY NEARLY BUILT’
Compo, Clegg and Foggy are at Wesley’s s
hed, when Clegg expresses an opinion.
CLEGG: I always think it’s a lot like being dead, waiting at the checkout of a supermarket.
‘THE LAST SURVIVING MAURICE CHEVALIER IMPRESSION’
Howard is busy cleaning his windows, as Clegg approaches.
CLEGG: Ah, morning, Howard. Has Pearl got you started early, or have you been there since last night?
HOWARD: (Sadly) What’s it like to be free, Cleggy?
CLEGG: Free? Sometimes I think I’m just a plaything of Foggy Dewhurst. Anyway, you don’t do too badly, considering.
HOWARD: It’s not easy. Pearl’s got radar.
From an upstairs window, Pearl has overheard.
PEARL: (Accusingly) Pearl’s got a what?
HOWARD: (Thinking fast) A radiant smile, Iove! I was just telling Cleggy here, how you’ve got a radiant smile. When you bother to use it. How come you never smile these days when you look at me?
PEARL: Smile? Because I’m too busy giggling. You look hilarious in a chilly bathroom.
She slams the window shut.
HOWARD: (To Clegg) You see what I mean? What do you do?
CLEGG: Well, for a start, when Pearl is around I should keep out of chilly bathrooms.
‘WAS THAT NORA BATTY SINGING?’
Foggy is in the library, making an unusual request.
FOGGY: Have you anything on silent killing?
The customers in the library look around in alarm.
LIBRARIAN: (Uneasily) If there is anything, you’ll find it under sports and pastimes.
FOGGY: Yeah. How about unarmed combat for the over-sixties? You see, I’ve had a look round and all I can find for the over-sixties is old-time dancing. Well, I mean, it’s all very well in it’s way, but if you’re mugged in the street, you can hardly valletta him to death, can you?
Foggy (Brian Wilde) fancied himself as a leader of men.
‘THE PHANTOM OF THE GRAVEYARD’
The three men relax in a beautiful spot. Clegg reflects.
CLEGG: You come all the way up a hill and there’s this insect waiting. Now, how did it know we were coming up this hill?
DID YOU KNOW?
When Thora Hird joined the cast as Edie, she was expecting to make a one-off appearance, but her performance soon saw her become a regular.
FOGGY: You don’t call these midget creatures insects.
COMPO: Here we go again. OK, what do you call insects?
CLEGG: Ronald?
FOGGY: I could tell you tales about insects. I’ve seen insects big enough to carry off children.
COMPO: He does talk some fanny.
CLEGG: But fluently.
FOGGY: I have seen these winged things, flying through the jungle, big as small mangles. And teeth? They could eat steel helmets.
MEMORIES…
‘Brian Wilde wasn’t the easiest person to work with. One of the problems was he didn’t have an agent and had to do his own negotiations, always a bad move. He was also a prickly character but brilliant and never uttered a line wrong.’
ROY CLARKE
‘I’d always watched Summer Wine and was very happy when asked to appear in the 1988 Christmas Special, ‘Crums’. I always wanted to play an eccentric and this was my opportunity. It’s been such a successful series because it has wonderful writing—it’s so witty you could get a laugh out of every other line, if necessary.’
JEAN ALEXANDER (Auntie Wainwright)
‘I received lots of letters from people saying the series has been an inspiration. Rather than just looking out the window, they now go for walks in the hills. It encourages people to do something with their lives and explore the countryside.’
ALAN J W BELL (Producer/Director)
‘HAVE YOU GOT A LIGHT MATE?’
Smiler is demonstrating Auntie Wainwright’s latest moneymaking scheme: security-lights.
AUNTIE: People have to see what it is you’re offering. They won’t buy security lights if they can’t see security lights.
SMILER: Supposing I get electrocuted?
AUNTIE: By the look of you, that could be beneficial.
Auntie adjusts the lights on Smiler.
AUNTIE: Yes, well, that should attract some attention.
SMILER: I feel such a fool.
Jean Alexander, who made her name playing Hilda Ogden in
Coronation Street, initially joined in a one-off role.
AUNTIE: Now why should you feel a fool? Blackpool’s illuminated. Blackpool doesn’t feel a fool. People travel miles to see the lights. Turn round. Hmm, I wonder if there should be a red light at the rear?
SMILER: Supposing I overheat?
AUNTIE: (Mishearing) Not in my time, lad, you bring your own sandwiches. Well, you’ve got a switch. Turn yourself on.
There is a flash and a loud bang, as the lights explode.
SMILER: I think one of me bulbs has gone.
AUNTIE: (Despairing) That’s always been my impression.
‘STOP THAT BATH’
The ladies prepare to get into Edie’s car, as they set off on a picnic.
GLENDA: My Barry likes a picnic. After a day in the building society he loves to be informal on the grass.
EDIE: (Shocked) Will you be quiet, girl! People don’t want to hear things like that. You weren’t brought up to be informal on the grass.
GLENDA: Oh, Mother.
EDIE: And if you get any leanings towards lolling on the grass, it’s from your father’s side.
‘THE GLORY HOLE’
Pearl and Ivy are chatting, as usual, about Howard.
IVY: Well, what’s the matter with him now?
PEARL: He’s been up half the night with indigestion.
IVY: Why, what’s he been eating?
PEARL: Paper.
IVY: Well, I hope you give him a bit of good gravy with it.
PEARL: It’s not my paper, it’s her paper. He thinks I don’t know. He gets these notes from you-know-who.
IVY: Oh!
PEARL: Then he swallows them for security purposes. It wouldn’t be so bad but it’s scented notepaper.
‘ADOPTED BY A STRAY’
Howard is making one of his secret phone calls to Clegg. Pearl listens from the stairs until Howard notices her.
HOWARD: (Nervously) Hello love. I was just calling my horoscope line.
PEARL: In future, if you want to know your future, ask me.
Pearl looks at Howard.
PEARL: Why are you holding the phone down your jumper?
HOWARD: Oh, well, I always think it works better when it’s warm.
PEARL: Is that why men always stand with their backsides to the fire?
‘THE DEFEAT OF THE STONEWORM’
Howard has been on the phone to the council, asking about stoneworm. Pearl waits for his explanation.
PEARL: Well, what did he say? What do you use for stoneworm?
HOWARD: You apply a thin solution of vinegar and garlic.
PEARL: Garlic? I thought that was for vampires?
HOWARD: Have you checked your neck lately?
‘BICYCLE BONANZA’
Compo, Clegg and Foggy are crossing the top of a waterfall when Clegg divulges information.
CLEGG: I used to think God invented beetles, but then Wesley Pegden said it was Hitler.
COMPO: Hitler invented beetles?
FOGGY: That was the Volkswagen Beetle. Hitler didn’t invent creepy-crawly beetles.
CLEGG: Well, I’m glad about that. That means I can go back to liking beetles.
FOGGY: What’s to like about beetles?
CLEGG: Oh, I think they’re wonderful. They look like tortoises, some of them. And yet, they can fly.
COMPO: Me Auntie Meg had a tortoise.
FOGGY: She had something slow and idle and that was her husband.
MEMORIES…
‘Bill Owen was a superb actor. Watching him, you could believe he was a Yorkshireman. But he had no Yorkshire relationship whatsoever because he was born in Acton and spoke wit
h a London accent. He was a very friendly chap.
‘Peter Sallis is a brilliant actor, too. Give him a line and he’ll say it superbly, getting every bit of humour from it. He’s always word-perfect and has a wicked sense of humour. I always referred to Peter as the “father” of the series. Roy Clarke gave birth to it and Peter would look after it and treasure it, making sure no one started taking it in the wrong direction. Peter cared about Roy’s work.’
ALAN J W BELL (Producer/Director)
‘I cast Mike Grady but it was an assistant floor manager who actually suggested him. He’s marvellous, as is Sarah Thomas, who plays Glenda. She wrote to me when I was casting the character. I wanted someone who could conceivably look like Thora’s daughter. She was perfect. Whenever filming is underrunning, I’ll ask Roy to write another scene for Barry and Glenda. Mike and Sarah will go away, have a coffee and come back word-perfect.’
Last of The Summer Wine Page 4
