by Sharon Green
Chapter Ten
Everyone but Rion and Naran had moved away from the grass we'd been sitting on to do other things. I just sat there thinking about the enemy we'd only gotten a glimpse of in the flesh. We still didn't know what their entity was like, and that bothered me. When you know exactly what you have to face, it's possible to be brave even if your opponent is bigger and stronger and very frightening. But if you have no idea what your opponent will be like, fear goes wild along with your imagination…
"Tamrissa, we need to speak with you for a moment," I heard Rion murmur. When I looked up I saw that both he and Naran had moved closer to me, and both of them looked worried.
"What's wrong?" I asked, knowing for a fact that there was definitely a problem. "Did I miss seeing something happen?"
"No, it isn't something that you could have seen," Naran said, actually answering for herself. She'd been doing a lot of that lately, a definite improvement. "When I agreed with Lorand that I wasn't aware of conversation when we were Blended, I lied. I heard everything just the way Vallant did, but I didn't want Lorand to think he was all alone. Was I wrong to support him? Is there anything you can think of that we can do to help Lorand?"
"Naran has also told me that we must discover what the problem is and correct it," Rion put in, looking really disturbed. "If this particular problem isn't solved, we won't have to worry about any of the others."
"Why does every problem we face have to be a matter of survival or extinction?" I asked the world at large, my growing anger making me really want an answer. "Why can't we have an unimportant problem for once, one we can ignore without worrying that the world will end because we didn't take care of it?"
"We're just lucky, I guess," Naran answered with an odd smile. "Someone or something doesn't seem to want us to grow bored."
"I've decided I agree with Vallant about boredom," I stated, showing Naran that her comment hadn't amused me. "I can learn to really enjoy boredom, if someone or something would only give me the chance to do it. Well, no sense in wishing for something we aren't going to get. You two take Lorand aside and make a bunch of guesses as to why he and Naran haven't experienced what the rest of us have in the Blending. I'll get Vallant and Jovvi together and pass on the problem, and maybe one of them will think of what we can do."
The two of them agreed immediately before getting to their feet, so I sighed just a little before doing my own standing. The anger I'd felt earlier seemed to be growing, as if there really was someone to be angry at. If it ever turned out that there was someone behind everything we'd been going through, they would enjoy my discovering who they were as much as I was enjoying what we were being put through…
"What's wrong now?" I heard Vallant ask, and looked up to see that he'd left the people he'd been speaking with to come over to me. "I could feel your temper burnin' all the way over there."
"Don't worry, it's nothing personal, but I'm going to act as if it is," I told him in a mutter. "As soon as Jovvi is alone I'm going to stalk over to her, and when you follow to hear me complain about you I'll tell the both of you what the problem is."
"I'm glad you warned me," he muttered back with a scowl that hid amusement. "If you really started bein' mad at me again, I'd probably go hide instead of followin'. I don't think I'm strong enough to go through war with you again."
"Poor baby," I murmured with my own pretend scowl, giving him a wink only he could see. "Then I guess I'll have to do the arguing for both of us."
And with that I turned with a haughty toss of my head and strode off toward Jovvi, who now stood alone sipping tea. Vallant lost no time in following me, and by the time we reached Jovvi her brows were raised high.
"What's going on?" she asked at once, looking back and forth between Vallant and me. "My eyes tell me that you two are in the midst of feuding again, but my talent says you're doing no such thing."
"It's all his fault!" I said in a moderately loud voice, then lowered my tone to keep the "complaint" private. "Actually, your talent is right. I have to talk to the two of you, and pretending to complain about Vallant is the easiest way to do it. Naran and Rion told me that she lied when she said she didn't hear the rest of us in the Blending. That means Lorand is the only one who's cut off, and Naran also says we have to solve his problem otherwise we don't have a chance against the invaders. Do either of you have any idea what's wrong, or what we can do about it?"
"Lorand seems perfectly normal to me," Vallant said with a frown that wasn't acting. "He's just the way he always was, so I don't know what the trouble can be."
"What you just said may be the very thing that's causing trouble," Jovvi said to Vallant with a worried expression creasing her brow. "Lorand is just the way he always was, which means he's been hiding jealousy instead of talking about it or showing it. But possibly you understand the situation better than I do, Vallant. I've been able to detect jealousy in you as well."
"No, it's not really important or even relevant," Vallant said at once with a glance for me as his skin darkened just a bit. "It's a silly private thing that I'm havin' trouble with, and it's really not important."
"Please, Vallant, tell us what it is," Jovvi urged as I stood there without anything to say. "Even the smallest scrap of information could mean the difference between helping Lorand and leaving him to flounder. And we're quickly running out of time. The enemy - "
"All right, I know how little time we have," Vallant said sharply, then shook his head. "I apologize for cuttin' you off, Jovvi, but I've been feelin' guilty about this for some time now… Tamrissa, I really do love you, but - I also love Jovvi and Naran. That makes me a low, miserable dog, doesn't it?"
"If it does, then I'm the same," I blurted, more relieved than I ever expected to be. "I love you too, but I also love Rion and Lorand. I had no idea how to tell you about it without hurting you."
"But that's wonderful!" Vallant said with a big smile, putting one hand to my arm. "We both feel the same way about it, so there's nothin' of a problem."
"You have nothing of a problem," Jovvi corrected with gentle understanding, drawing our attention. "Lorand is still in the same position, so can you please explain why you felt jealous if you really weren't?"
"I was jealous of Rion, mostly," Vallant answered with what looked like a small boy's discomfort. "He seemed just as devoted to Naran as ever, and I was hatin' myself for not bein' the same with Tamrissa. Lovin' her only a little bit more than lovin' you other ladies seemed like nothin' short of betrayal."
"I think we're supposed to feel like that, since most of us do," I offered with a warm smile for Vallant. "Is it possible that Lorand is feeling the same kind of guilt and jealousy, but in his case it's keeping him from… I don't know, merging with us completely, maybe?"
"But the feelings didn't keep Vallant from … merging with the rest of us, so I don't think that's it," Jovvi said, a small headshake joining her concern. "That means his problem has to be different, and the only way we'll find out what it is will be by asking him."
"Naran and Rion are talking to him right now, to distract him from this conversation," I said with a sigh. "Maybe they all figured something out, and the problem is solved without the rest of us."
"I certainly hope so, but I'm not counting on it," Jovvi said with her own sigh. "Let's go over there and find out."
Vallant gave me a glance that said he'd rather just stand and talk for the rest of the day, and I knew exactly how he felt. Personal interrelations between the members of our Blending had always been more than complicated, but we had no choice about getting involved again. If our Blending was growing again in some way, we all had to grow with it or the rest of us were wasting our time.
Lorand was still deep in conversation with Rion and Naran when we walked over to them. Jovvi led the way, and when she reached Lorand he put an arm around her shoulders.
"Hi, love," Lorand said as he kissed Jovvi's cheek. "We were just trying to figure out why Naran and I are the only ones who haven
't experienced this new thing in the Blending. We haven't gotten very far, so maybe the rest of you will come up with something that makes sense."
"Lorand, love, the problem isn't exactly what you think it is," Jovvi told him gently as she touched his face with one hand. "You need to know that Naran did experience what the rest of us did. You're the only one who hasn't, so things are more complicated than we thought."
"But … Why did you say you didn't experience it when you did, Naran?" Lorand blurted, agitation giving him a bewildered expression. "Were you trying to fool me into something?"
"I didn't want you to feel left out, Lorand," Naran said at once, her expression so full of commiseration that it was impossible to doubt her. "I know much too well what feeling left out is like, and I'd only wish the feeling on my worst enemy. Not on someone I care so much about."
Lorand went silent as his skin darkened, and suddenly he wasn't able to make eye contact with any of us. I thought it was just embarrassment over his having accused Naran of something underhanded, but Jovvi seemed to know better.
"What you're feeling right now relates directly to the problem, love," she said, her tone relentless despite the compassion on her face. "Tell me why your discomfort is ringed with so much guilt. And I'd also like to know what all that jealousy inside you is about."
We all waited to hear what Lorand would say, but he stood silent as he continued to look down at the ground. The silence dragged on for a very long moment, and then I got the strangest idea.
"Lorand, we once had a discussion about how you felt about Jovvi being a courtesan," I said slowly, trying to get my thoughts in order. "You said you hated the idea of her lying with other men, but that can't possibly relate to her lying with Vallant and Rion. They're not other men, they're part of the whole that makes up our entity. It would be like resenting your own lying with her."
"And I seem to recall a time not long ago when you happily went with Naran while I paired with Jovvi," Vallant said when Lorand made no comment on what I'd said. "You told me you weren't bothered at all, and you were also actin' like it. You can't mean you were lyin'?"
"I wasn't lying, not really," Lorand blurted, finally looking up. "I knew in the beginning that we had to lie with each other to make our Blending bond strong, and that time you're talking about was to help out a brother as well as a sister. But now it looks like we'll have to lie with each other on a regular basis, and that's not the same thing at all. It's just not the same."
Once again Lorand was looking away from the rest of us, while we were busy exchanging glances. Vallant had obviously been right to say that Lorand was the way he had always been, and that was the whole trouble.
"So Naran and I both love you but you don't return the feeling," I heard myself saying to Lorand, and somehow a trace of hurt ran through the words. "You haven't merged with the rest of us in the entity because you don't want to be a part of us the rest of the time."
"But that isn't true," Lorand said at once, his expression now stricken. "Of course I love you and Naran, or I couldn't have lain with the two of you. That's not what's … disturbing me."
"I believe I see the point of disturbance," Rion said, a small bit of revelation in his tone - along with something else. "Your lying with Tamrissa and Naran is perfectly acceptable, but Jovvi's lying with Vallant and myself is not. Would you care to explain how that can be? You've used the term 'brother' at least as often as I have, but obviously the word has a different meaning for you than it does for the rest of us."
"But - don't you see that it doesn't matter if I consider you brothers?" Lorand said, his brows having risen with surprise. "I had brothers at home too, but I didn't share a woman with them. No man shared his woman, because doing something like that just isn't right."
"No, Lorand, this time you're the one who isn't right," I said quickly, annoyed with myself for not having seen the truth sooner. "It's clear now that you may have left that farm district physically, but inside your head you're still living among those narrow-minded provincials. The rest of us have grown, but you're still a little boy who worries what the neighbors will think."
"What Tamrissa means is that you're not lookin' at the matter in the proper light," Vallant added hastily as Lorand actually frowned at me. "Sleepin' around, especially after you pair up with a woman, isn't acceptable behavior in my home town either, but men boast about doin' it and women pretend they never indulge. If a woman is caught sleepin' around, her reputation disappears instantly. But Lorand - haven't you noticed that we're not sneakin' around behind each other's backs? We're not playin' sex games, we're doin' what we have to in order to make our Blendin' as strong as it can be. And we only do it in our merged pairs - or at least that's all the rest of us do. Are you sayin' you indulge with women other than our three?"
"Of course he doesn't, but not for the reason the rest of us don't go looking," I said while Lorand tried to babble out a very embarrassed denial. "He doesn't go after other women because he's still a little boy who worries what a bunch of people he doesn't even like may say about him. And more than that, he worries about what those stupid people will say about Jovvi, the woman he considers his. If he gets caught with one of the other women in our pairs, he can grin while his loutish friends congratulate him in private. But if Jovvi is caught with you or Rion, Vallant, he'll be humiliated in front of everyone. After all, we all know what people think of sluts and the men who associate with them."
"It was Korge who did this, wasn't it, Lorand?" Jovvi said, shock staring from her gaze. "Tamma is right about the way you feel, and it all stems from that act Korge put on to keep the members of the other council Blendings from lying together. No one else took him seriously, but his attitude threw you right back into your original way of looking at things. You're ashamed of all of us, and ashamed to be considered one of us."
"And that's why you haven't merged with us in the entity," Naran said while Lorand stared at Jovvi silently with a stricken expression. "You think it's wrong to do what we do, so you've held yourself back."
"And you'll probably continue to hold yourself back, which is fine with me," I said, the words hard as I interrupted whatever else Naran may have wanted to say. "Since you're such a better person than the rest of us, you can relax from now on. If anyone ever suggests that I lie with you again, I'll burn them to ash just to show how firm my refusal will be."
After having told him exactly the way I felt, I turned and walked away from all of them. It had been impossible to miss how hurt Jovvi felt, and her pain had fed my anger to the flaming stage. At one point I'd thought we were all through with being hurt by anyone but outsiders, but obviously I'd been wrong.
"Tamrissa, wait," Vallant called from behind me, his voice filled with disturbance. "Lorand isn't feelin' things like that on purpose. He's just reactin' to the way he was raised, which is always the hardest battle we ever have to fight."
"Garbage," I countered with a very rude sound, pausing to turn and glare my disdain. "Rion and I also had to fight the way we were raised, but we managed it because we didn't consider ourselves morally superior. He does, and if I ever need my life saved again and you let him do it, I'll never speak to you again. I'd rather be dead than be saved by someone so … good."
The shock on Lorand's pale face said he knew I wasn't lying or just speaking to hear the sound of my own voice. I meant every word I'd said, and I was glad he knew it. What I didn't understand was how I could have ever considered that man a friend and more…
I began to take another step away from the group when I became aware of something that anger had kept me from noticing sooner. One of our associate Blendings had their entity on watch, and some part of me knew exactly where that entity was. Which meant that the entity I now sensed probably wasn't one of ours. I didn't know exactly where the new entity was, but there was no doubt about its being very near.
The enemy was right on top of us, and our strongest Blending members were barely speaking to each other, not to mention b
eing totally unready to fight!
Lorand swam in confusion and helplessness. It had been something of a shock to learn that he was the only one who hadn't … merged during the last time they'd Blended, but the following conversation had made things worse rather than better. He hadn't known himself precisely what he was feeling, and he'd been horrified when Tamrissa actually put those feelings into words. It wasn't possible to deny what she'd said, and then she turned and started to stalk away.
"Tamrissa, wait," Vallant called, saving Lorand from having to fight to say the words himself. "Lorand isn't feelin' things like that on purpose. He's just reactin' to the way he was raised, which is always the hardest battle we ever have to fight."
"Garbage," Tamrissa denied with a snort, pausing to turn and stare at Lorand with disgust. "Rion and I also had to fight the way we were raised, but we managed it because we didn't consider ourselves morally superior. He does, and if I ever need my life saved again and you let him do it, I'll never speak to you again. I'd rather be dead than be saved by someone so … good."
Lorand felt as though someone had stabbed him in the chest with a very long, sharp knife. Tamrissa had been his friend almost from the first day they'd met, and since then she'd become something a good deal more … complex in his life. He loved Jovvi with every fiber of his being, and when Jovvi had looked her pain at him it had been almost more than he could bear. Now Tamrissa had added to his anguish, in a way that a simple friend could never have done. The beautiful Fire magic user was vitally important in Lorand's life, and now she had taken herself out of it.
And what was happening was all his fault! He'd thought he'd outgrown the provincial attitudes he'd been raised with, but it had suddenly been made clear to him that he'd just buried those prejudices. Intellectually he knew that he and the others weren't just not doing wrong but were doing what was necessary, but some mindless part of him refused to accept that. That mindless part knew right from wrong, just the way his former neighbors in Widdertown did. Right was what they thought it was, no matter the opinions of others…
