by Julie Blair
“That whole weekend…” Jamie shook her head, thoughts falling into place. “I remember everything about it—the heat, the music festival, the incredibly friendly women I met. And you—how brave you were to go to the concert and the bar, dancing…I never forgot it.” Jamie’s heart loosened with the relief of saying what she’d always wanted to say to the woman who’d shared it with her. She let her eyes travel from their hands to the V between Carla’s legs, then up her stomach to breasts that filled out the sweater, to her mouth and the hint of a smile, and last, the eyes that pleaded with her to keep going. She owed Carla the truth. Then she could let it go.
Jamie’s heart was pounding and she looked back at their hands. “As the night went on you brought out feelings in me I hadn’t felt before.” Did she dare say the rest of it? “I think I fell in love with you.” She laughed but it sounded wrong. “Silly, huh?” Jamie stroked her thumbs over the backs of Carla’s hands, her awareness narrowed to exclude anything but the softness. Tomorrow they’d be on the other side of this moment. They’d be past the awkwardness.
Carla remained quiet with everything but her eyes that were filling with tears. They spoke volumes. Jamie soaked up the kindness. Just two old friends reliving the past, putting it to rest.
The words escaped. “I wish it had ended differently. That room was so lonely when I woke up…realized you’d left. I thought about trying to find you, but I didn’t know your last name.” Sadness engulfed her. “I still have your note.”
“Oh, Jamie, I wish it had ended differently, too.”
“The shock of seeing you again…” Jamie frowned as she reached for words that fell into place as she spoke them. “It’s made me look back at my life. I don’t know where the last twenty years have gone. I don’t think I’ve felt that carefree since that weekend.” She tightened her grip on Carla’s hands. “I wish we could have a second chance.”
Jamie realized what she’d said, and she started to add, “at friendship,” but Carla wrapped her arms around her waist and pulled her close. Jamie slid her hands up Carla’s back and rested her cheek against Carla’s. She sighed with the familiarity of it as the moment swallowed them. Their bodies shifted until they were pressed against each other, their breath warm on each other’s cheeks. The sound of the front door opening pierced Jamie’s awareness. She flinched and pulled away.
“I brought takeout,” a man said as he walked toward them carrying a plastic bag.
Jamie backed up, almost tripping over the coffee table. Carla’s husband.
Carla lunged for her and caught her arm but let go as her knees buckled. “Shit. Ow, that hurts.” The man rushed to catch Carla with an arm around her waist. “Jamie, wait,” Carla cried out as she clutched her back.
Jamie stopped her exit when she heard Carla’s cry. She knew what it meant. She’d never felt so embarrassed in her life as she faced Carla and the tall, good-looking man. She didn’t know how much he’d seen, but she knew guilt and shame were written all over her face. She stood frozen in place, waiting for his reaction.
“Jamie, please.” Carla’s face was pinched with pain and tears rolled down her cheeks.
She would probably be tossed out in a few minutes, but she had to make sure Carla was all right. She supported Carla’s other side as they helped her to the couch. “Lie down.” She put one of the pillows under Carla’s knees. “I’ll get the ice pack. Take deep breaths. It’ll be okay, Carla.” She heard them talking but couldn’t hear what they said as she went to the kitchen. When she slid the ice pack under Carla’s back, Carla grabbed her hand with both of hers.
“I have to explain.” Her eyes were as pleading as her voice.
Jamie couldn’t think straight, but she knew her hand didn’t belong in Carla’s. She backed away. The man cleared his throat behind her. Jamie hoped her cheeks weren’t as red as they felt as she turned to face him.
“I’m Mike. You must be Dr. Hammond.”
“Jamie, please.” She took his outstretched hand but couldn’t meet his eyes. Why was he smiling?
“Mike’s the friend I helped move this weekend,” Carla blurted out.
“I don’t understand.” Jamie looked between the two of them.
“We’re getting divorced. Mike moved out.” Carla’s voice sounded defeated and her face was tight with pain.
“That’s my cue to leave.” Mike kissed her on the cheek. “I’ll put the sushi in the refrigerator. Sorry I interrupted.”
“Don’t go.”
Jamie tried to make sense of this exchange. Divorce? Had Carla said they were getting a divorce? That meant…a tingle of dread spread over her body. Her confession. The hug. Second chances. “I need to get home.”
“Please stay. We need to talk.” Carla struggled to a sitting position with a groan. “We can’t keep running from that night.”
Is that what they’d been doing? What she’d been doing? Maybe they did need to get it all out in the open, and then it would fade away. Jamie relaxed a little until she realized Mike looked like he understood this conversation perfectly. Oh, God, he knows.
“Wine or Scotch?” Mike asked, squeezing her shoulder. “Sorry, those are the only two choices.”
“Scotch,” Jamie said. “Make it a double.” This didn’t make sense. They didn’t act like two people getting divorced. Jamie dropped into a chair across from the couch and gratefully took a large swallow of the drink Mike handed her.
Carla held Mike’s hand when he sat next to her, but her attention was on Jamie. “To make a long story short, Mike realized he’s gay. And since that night with you I knew the truth about myself, too.”
Jamie’s thoughts whirled. Carla wasn’t straight? Or married? Jamie gulped more Scotch. She coughed as the burn hit her stomach. It growled menacingly.
“How about if I set dinner out and you two finish this discussion,” Mike said.
Jamie was too confused to do anything but listen as Carla went on.
“I can’t say I wish we’d figured out we’re both gay before we got married because we wouldn’t have Lissa, but it explains a lot about our relationship over the years.”
Jamie listened to the sounds of plates being set on the counter and water turned on. Did she want to hear this?
“We were best friends, and if life in a small Southern town hadn’t forced us to be more, things might have been different. I worried something was missing between us. I didn’t know what it was until that night with you.”
Heat crawled up Jamie’s throat. Surely Mike could hear them.
“I want to keep working for you, Jamie. And I could really use a friend. I’m kind of in transition.” Carla smiled, but it was a sad smile. Her voice broke as she said, “We have to find a way to get past this.”
Was there a way past it? How did one night carry more than its fair share of importance in her life? She took a deep breath. Sure, they were ex-lovers, but weren’t they just sealing that door and moving on to the next phase in their relationship?
“Dinner,” Mike announced.
“I should be getting home.” Her stomach growled again.
“You need some food to go with that Scotch or I’ll have to drive you home,” Mike teased her. “And I always order way too much.”
Jamie was a little unsteady as she stood. She did need to eat. “I have to make a call. Excuse me for a minute.”
“Hurry,” Mike said. “We’re pretty cutthroat when it comes to sushi.”
*
Carla clung to Mike’s hand as he helped her off the couch. Her emotions were on overload from Jamie touching her all day. And the hug…she’d been ready to kiss her before Mike’s untimely entrance.
“Sorry if I screwed things up for you.”
“Not your fault.” Just bad timing again.
“She’s cute.” Mike kissed the side of her head as he lowered her into the dining chair.
Carla tried to get comfortable as her back muscles spasmed. Jamie was standing in front of the French doors talking to
someone. She had to figure out how to get them past this awkwardness.
“We love sushi,” Mike said, when Jamie joined them at the table.
“I do, too.” Jamie added wasabi to the soy sauce in the tray on her plate. She picked up a piece with the jade chopsticks, dipped it, and put the whole piece in her mouth.
“Try a piece of Red Dragon,” Mike said, pointing at a roll with bright-red tuna on top.
“How about if I get it for our Friday staff lunch?” Carla asked, as if this were a perfectly normal conversation.
“Um, sure.” Jamie reached for another piece.
“Jamie’s an ex-softball star,” Carla said.
“Wow, a real athlete. I’m a huge baseball fan, but I was never good enough to play. Did you play college ball?”
“San Jose State.” Jamie’s eyes watered as the wasabi hit her. “Had a scholarship to UCLA,” she added in a voice garbled by the bite in her mouth.
“I’m impressed. Why didn’t you go?”
Carla watched this back-and-forth between her soon-to-be ex-husband and the woman she’d been in love with for twenty years. It made her giggle, but no one noticed.
“My mother died the summer after I graduated and I decided to stay close to home.”
“That’s tough,” Mike said. “How long have you been a chiropractor?”
Carla reached under the table and squeezed Mike’s leg. “Thank you,” she mouthed, grateful for his leading the conversation.
“Twenty years in August.” Jamie reached for a piece of unagi at the same time as Carla, and their chopsticks clinked.
“Shall we sword fight?” Carla held up her chopsticks.
“No, I’ll just beat you to it,” Jamie said as she stuffed the whole piece into her mouth.
“I can’t thank you enough for taking care of Carla today. I feel terrible she got hurt helping me move. I told you we should have waited for Rob.” Mike waved a chopstick in Carla’s direction.
“Mike’s boyfriend,” Carla said, and Jamie choked. She resisted the urge to slap Jamie on the back. She liked the unflappable Dr. Hammond a little ruffled.
“I don’t quite…” Jamie looked down at her plate, shaking her head.
“Ask whatever you want, Jamie.”
Jamie set her chopsticks across her plate. “You two just…agreed to divorce? And you’re friends with his boyfriend?”
Carla’s heart broke for the confusion on Jamie’s face. This wasn’t how she’d wanted to tell her about the divorce. “We can’t continue a marriage just for the sake of appearances. We know truths about ourselves that dictate a different lifestyle.”
“Didn’t you tell me you found a lesbian bar in San Diego a few weeks ago? And met an attorney who lives up here?” Mike smiled sweetly at the daggers Carla sent him. “I’ll clean up. Why don’t you tell Jamie about it? Maybe she can give you tips on dating.” He took their plates to the kitchen.
Jamie folded the napkin into a square and set it in the middle of the place mat. “Wow. Dating.” She gulped some water.
“Yeah.” Carla shrugged. “Seems like the next thing for me to do if I want a new life. I can’t exactly ask Lissa for advice, and since you’re my only lesbian friend…” Jamie shifted in her chair. “Like, should I call her at home or her office? And should I suggest we go to dinner or let her make a suggestion? The whole dating thing…I never did it.” Carla tried not to smile as she watched Jamie digest this. Her puzzled expression was adorable.
“It’s been a long time for me, too.”
“I vote for the bold approach,” Mike offered from the kitchen. “Call her up at home and invite her to dinner Friday night. Doesn’t she live in Los Altos? There’s that great Mediterranean restaurant up there we liked. If it goes well I’ll give you my tickets to that new play in San Francisco for Sunday. Anybody want ice cream? Macadamia nut or green tea.”
“I should go.” Jamie scooted her chair back.
“Jamie loves ice cream. Bring her a little of both.” Just a few more minutes and she’d let her go. “How ’bout I make us cappuccinos?”
“Um…sure.” Jamie sprang to her feet and helped Carla up. “How’s it feel?”
“Stiff, but I’ll be fine.” She missed Jamie’s arm around her waist the instant she let go.
“Guest of honor,” Mike said, as he set a bowl piled high with ice cream in front of Jamie, and Carla set a cup next to it with a “J” drizzled in the middle of the foam. Conversation drifted to sports and then to books.
“I joined a book club for lesbian fiction,” Carla said.
“Okay, that’s my cue to leave,” Mike said. “I’ll check on you in the morning.” He kissed Carla on the cheek. “And you better take good care of my best girl.” Jamie blushed when he kissed her on the cheek, too.
“You two should go running as soon as Carla’s back is up to it,” he tossed over his shoulder. The front door closed, encasing them in silence.
“I should get going, too.” Jamie carried dishes to the kitchen.
“Thank you for staying for dinner.” Carla followed her, sadness settling over her. She didn’t want Jamie to leave yet. “Are we going to be friends, Jamie?”
Conflicting emotions passed over Jamie’s face and she put her hands in her pockets. “I’d like to.”
“I’m sorry you found out about the divorce this way. I was going to tell you but then with my back…”
“Speaking of which, let’s get you on ice.” She opened the freezer and grabbed the ice pack before helping Carla to the couch.
“Do you need anything before I leave?” Jamie tucked the blanket around Carla.
“No,” Carla said, aching to pull Jamie to her for another hug. “Thank you for taking care of me today.” She tried not to think about the woman Jamie was going home to.
“I’m glad I could help.” Jamie looked tired. “Do you need a ride in the morning?”
Carla wanted to say yes. “Mike will take me.” She reached toward Jamie’s chest and saw her breath catch.
“I’ve wanted to ask you about this.” She fingered the pendant at Jamie’s throat, a diamond set in a gold star that Jamie always wore. “It’s lovely.”
“A gift from my mother.”
“Both my parents are gone too, Jamie. We have a lot in common.”
“Sleep well,” Jamie said. She left without looking back.
Sobs broke through the minute the door closed. Carla held her arms across her stomach as her back rebelled. Both her past and her future were gone. She struggled to her feet and went to the stereo, bringing Melissa’s voice into the room. She wasn’t going to be alone.
*
Jamie let Melissa’s music envelop her as she headed home, her mind processing the strange turn of events. She liked Mike, and their closeness reminded her of Penni and Lori. She respected their willingness to make such a big change in their lives at this age. Could she and Carla be friends? Should they, given how Sheryl felt about her? Her phone rang. “Hey, Penni.”
“Where are you?”
“Headed home from Carla’s. I had dinner with her and her gay husband.” Jamie smiled as the silence stretched. It took a lot to silence Penni.
“Carla’s husband is gay and you had dinner with them?”
“Yep. They’re getting divorced. It was weird but fun. Carla wants us to be friends.”
“Maybe you could be more than—”
“Stop. She’s my employee and I’m happily married.” Jamie rubbed her chest. Must be a little heartburn.
“Sheryl has separate friends. So should you.”
“Maybe if I have someone to pal around with I won’t feel like such a nag.” Should she tell Penni about Sheryl’s run-in with Carla? No, she didn’t need any more drama tonight.
“I agree. Let’s have dinner after my appointment tomorrow and get caught up.”
“Sounds good.”
Jamie pulled into her driveway and let the song end as she stared at the dark house. She hated the sterile lawn and
shrubs. Maybe Carla could help her—No, of course not. Should she be friends with her? Wasn’t it dishonest to Sheryl?
Tossing her keys on the counter she went to the living room and poured a tumbler of Wild Turkey, her new drink of choice, not bothering to turn on lights. The house felt less lonely if she couldn’t see the emptiness. She smelled Carla’s perfume on her shirt as she unbuttoned it and realized she’d forgotten the flowers. Sadness stopped her fingers. She wanted those roses. She undressed and got a towel from the bathroom.
Setting the tumbler on the edge of the hot tub she lowered herself into the water and put the jets on high. She took a long swallow. The whiskey burned down her throat but landed softly in her stomach. Why shouldn’t she and Carla be friends? Sheryl had friends Jamie had never met.
Jamie climbed out of the hot tub, irritated at Sheryl’s absence. She marched to the pool and dove to the bottom. The cold took her breath away, and she surfaced sputtering. Breaking into freestyle strokes, she swam until her arms felt like lead sticks.
Jamie showered and put on sweats and a light-blue sweater Sheryl always said looked good on her. She cupped her breasts through the soft chenille fabric and pinched her nipples. She wanted Sheryl’s mouth on her. Sitting against the headboard she tried to focus on the book. Every time she heard a car she willed it to be Sheryl. She yawned and turned another page. Maybe she and Carla could trade books.
Jamie stirred from sleep and then closed her eyes against the glare of the bedside light. Checking the clock, she was surprised it was after midnight. She was alone. Wasn’t Sheryl home yet? She went to the kitchen and found her purse on the counter. The guest room again. Anger gripped her as she marched down the hall, the hardwood floor cold under her feet.
“Sheryl.” Jamie sat on the edge of the bed and gently shook Sheryl. She lifted the book from her chest—Ten Tips for Getting the Promotion You Deserve. Sheryl opened her eyes. “Come to bed.”
Sheryl tugged the sheets up to her chin. “You were asleep. I didn’t want to wake you.”
“No more guest room.” She pulled the covers back. “I want to be close to you.”
